abuse, narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Abusers in the abuse Community

Be careful just trusting someone, because they are knowledgeable about abuse, and know all the “right” terms and phrases.

Remember – Abusers are knowledgeable about abuse too !

 

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Depression and the brain – early losses and trauma. — Food.for.Thoughts

Certain events can have a long lasting physical as emotional consequences. Early losses and emotional trauma may leave you more prone to depression later in life. Profound early losses like the death of a loved one or the withdrawal of a loved one’s affection may resonate throughout life and express itself in a […]

via Depression and the brain – early losses and trauma. — Food.for.Thoughts

Uncategorized

Are You the Scapegoat in Your Family?

GentleKindness

scapegoat

image from Pinterest – linkhere

If you are the scapegoat in your family, then you are the one that gets the most blame for things. They consider you the “difficult”  family member…usually you are the one who will not get with the program. 

Narcissists like to create their own narrative of the family, including assigning roles to each family member, and creating a cover story of how the family interactions are normal. Someone has to be blamed in this kind of family. 

It is a given that the narcissist gets special treatment in the family, and the family members are trained to go along with this. Everyone knows there are consequences and punishments for not complying with what the narcissist wants. 

The narcissist never takes any blame for things, and they might have made portrayed you as mentally disturbed, or defiant to outsiders of the family. The narcissist, of…

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abuse, toxic people

Face in the Dirt

If you have experienced severe, ongoing abuse, at the hands of a cluster b personality, then you know what I mean when I say your face was shoved into the dirt over and over again. Everytime you tried to get up, and restart, they knocked you down and shoved your nose and mouth and eyes right back into the filth again. You were choking on it, and getting more and more exhausted each time you tried to get up again.

Eventually, after so many repetitions of the process, part of you has the thought of “why don’t I just keep myself down here? What is the point?”

Getting to that place of “What is the point?” is devastating  it leads to despair and feeling worthless. After all, what is the point of living, if we are just here to be crushed underneath a cruel punisher’s foot ?

Life has to have some meaning beyond mere survival, and making though the day physically alive but mentally broken. Humans need meaning, connection and a feeling of purpose in the world. You need to feel like something you are doing counts for something.

The narcissist or psychopath partner or family member wants to crush that out of you. The most severe of abusers, will try to destroy your will to live, or rewire your brain to become a slave to them.

These abusers are dark imdividuals who are sadistic, as well as controlling and entitled. They have malice toward you, and not just a machiavellian method of living. That is to say, they not only will hurt you if it happens to be a side effect of them barrelling through life to take what they want, but they will also hurt you just to hurt you, even when they have no other goal in mind. It is more than just disregarding other people. Narcissists and sociopaths think about ways to hurt you.

One of the worst parts of being a victim of this level of darkness, is the darkness itself . It is the very knowledge that this level of cruelty can be disguised within someone’s mask of being your friend. It is the knowledge that someone could get you to confide your inner most thiughts to them, while they are planning ways to use that infiormation to destroy you.

It is the fact that someone pushed your face into the dirt, over and over again, while they smirked out of the side of their curled lip. Even the thought that someone would have nothing they would rather be doing that posing as someone who cares deeply for you, so they can get to the most vulnerable parts of you.

They play the game of life and love, for maximum damage of you, the one that cared for them, and offered humanity to them.

After it is all said and done, you see them with their current supporters and admirers. They are in their place, as the king or queen of the circle. You are shoved out, discarded, and mocked.

Once you are out, it would seem to other people that you should be able to become unstuck and to move forward. However , there is often a lot of damage that was caused by that repeated crushing and grinding of your face in the dirt.

You had to survive and your brain had to adapt. Some of the adaptations it made, were designed to prevent you from triggering the narcissist into feeling the urge to knock you down, and shove you into the dirt again. These adaptations of your behavior, and your thoughts, carry with you, long after you have left the abuser, or the abuser has left  .

For those of you trying to manage ‘low contact’ with your abuser, well……that can be toxic and I’m not sure if it’s any safer than second hand smoke on a regular, ongoing basis . It has the appearance of being less harmful than actually smoking, and yet there is still a high illness and death toll.

We will begin to address these things, and ways to re-train the brain, to reswt it for making decisions in our favor. Too many years, decades in servatude of the narcissist will do some damage.

But the brain has plasticity. Our spirits have resilience. Our hearts have a spark of love and hope.

 

 

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But Why ?

But why are they like this?

Why do I attract them?

Why can’t they accept my love?

Why don’t they feel bad?

How could they?

How do they sleep at night?

Why do they mislead you?

Why can’t they love me?

Why do they lie about everything?

Why did they choose me?

Why don’t they return my texts?

Why did they show up after so long, acting like nothing happened?

What did I do to deserve this?

How did I end up with another one?

Why do I miss them?

Will they be okay without me?

Why do they keep changing what they want?

Why do they do things that are bad for them too?

How does their behavior make any sense?

How can I recover what I’ve lost?

How can I compete in the world next to normal people?

Why does the whole world seem dark now?

Why do I not even want to see good in the world anymore?

How do I move on?

What the hell were they thinking ?

Why would he leave me for her?

Why would he choose them over me?

Why do I miss them?

Why can’t I get them out of my head?

How could he terrorize me on purpose?

Why did they leave me with nothing to live on?

How do other people not see through their lies?

Why do people treat me like I’m the problem ?

What did he /she tell them about me?

Why don’t they hear me out?

How did I get here?

Why don’t I believe in my dreams anymore?

Why can’t I see a livable future ?

Why do I get so confused?

Why do I dream of them?

Why do I miss them?

Why don’t they value the history we had together?

How can they just throw it all away?

Why won’t they tell me why?

Why won’t they explain themselves ?

Why aren’t they sorry?

Why don’t they care anymore?

How can they just ignore me?

How could they turn on me?

Why would they sabatage me?

Why can’t I stop thinking about what they did?

How could they?

Didn’t it mean anything to them?

Don’t they remember what we’ve been through together?

How can they behave this way?

How do they sleep at night?

Did I see a smirk?

Did they turn their back, to hide a smile?

How is my pain what they were after?

How could they have been faking their feelings ?

What about those times they were emotional?

How could they do such monstrous things?

Are they setting her/him up too?

Why do they look happier with her/him?

Why did their look change?

Why did their interests change?

How can they be so cold?

How could they be so callous?

Is nothing meaningful to them?

Was I completely meaningless to them?

What the fuck?

…..

This list of questions, are all things that I have heard over and over from my clients.

These are the questions that roll around in people’s heads, keeping them awake at night.

The after-effects of a close relationship with a sociopath /psychopath, draw you into your head in a way that feels like there is no way out.

….

Will the questions be answered?

Will it help if they ever are?

Why do these people exist?

Why do they look jist like everyone else?

How can I know it won’t happen to me again?

What do I keep doing wrong?

How do I fix what they broke?

…….

We will explore these questions and more, in this blog.

Some questions have logical answers , although the answers aren’t what you think.

Some questions have answers , but you might not want to hear the answer or be reasy for the truth yet. Or you just might surprise your self, and fibd that the truth helps you to develop of better, more accurate mawp of reality ; one that will serve you better.

Some of the questions have very dark realoties , as parr of their answer.

Others will point you in a direction of finding the possibility of light again.

Some questions are not really answerable , with a ‘one response fits all’ kind of response . It depends on what perspective will support you the best.

Some answers will change over time for you.

In some cases, with certain questions, partial answer can serve you for the time being , and a more complete answers will be able to be accepted later on.

Some questions need the cooperation of your own perception of reality to fill in what answer serves you best.

And even those can change , as you continue to allow your map of the territory to grow and expand.

The abuser leaves you locked up in the darkness.

At the same time , your mind longs to expand onto a greater consciousness.

Enjoy our journey together, into the depths of the darkness, to connect with a new kind of light