abuse, battered women, domestic abuse, domestic violence, mental health, mental illness, narcissist, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, wellness, women abuse

Being Retraumatized After We Leave our Abusive Relationship

Good morning ladies ! Well actually it is 2:25 pm and I am still in bed. That’s the way it is going today. I am hiding under my covers.

I can hear the wind blowing too loudly. I live on the top floor of this old house. It is like an attic. The wind sounds different up here. It is so loud and it whistles and makes a kind of howling noise. There is actually a pitch to it, as if it is singing a creepy song, that might be in a horror movie.

It is funny that when I write out those kinds of thoughts that go through my head here, it is ok. But if I actually talk that way out in the real world, where the “normals” live, then my words are met with contempt.

Apparently there are people that do not want to hear you describe the wind or the fog in such painted detail. They do not want to hear your feeling about the wind making noises at you or the fog looking like it could engulf you.

Those are thoughts that I have learned are better kept to myself. So, when I remember to bite my tongue then I keep my thoughts to myself.  When I forget that my speaking of such things will scare the straights, then I get into trouble.

When you have survived domestic abuse, you have a different perspective on life and even the wind than other people do. If you are still in a domestic abuse situation, then I am  very sorry for you and I hope you find the support here that you need , to give you that extra push to get out.

When you have lived through months and years of another person tormenting your mind, it does something to you. It does something to your mind. I would not go as far to say that all of us are mentally unbalanced. I would say that we have been psychologically injured.

We have been psychologically injured in such a way that things do not have the same priority and perspective that they used to. We see things differently than other people. We feel things and react to things differently than other people.

We appear the same as them on the outside, but the damage is on the inside. There is a place where we are always bleeding. There is a place inside of us where we know we are different. We were broken, Our minds were tortured in a way that only other victims could understand,

I hear the sound of the wind, and it blows and makes those howling noises. It reminds me that I did not choose to live in the upper most floor of a house, with my ex in laws. I am terrified of top floors, to the point of a phobia.

If I chose my own place to live, it would be on a first or second floor. The wind howling reminds me that I should not be here at all. I should not have had to escape and hide from some. It never should have happened.

It should not have happened to me. It should not have happened to you.

The fact is that after leaving an abuser, we are retraumatized again and again. I am constantly reminded that I had to leave an abuser because I ended up living where I hate to live. I do not like the people and I hate the creepy attic.

I hate carrying my laundry down and up 2 flights of steps. I hate carrying bags of groceries, for 3 people, up 2 flights of long torturous steps. My arthritis is advanced and the pain in my knees and hips, when I carry things up and down the steps is torturous.

When we have to leave our abuser, we often have to settle for whomever will take us in. We have to go somewhere fast, because the level of violence is escalating in our house. We are in danger to stay there, so we just have to go somewhere to get away.

I am mentally tormented by these people I live with, that are supposedly loving family members and the grandparents of my children.

As adults, we should be able to choose where we live and how we want to live. As victims, we have to go to the only option we have that opens up first. We have to go where we are safe. But us being physically safe the same as being mentally safe?

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts in the comment section below

Blessings,

Annie

1 thought on “Being Retraumatized After We Leave our Abusive Relationship”

  1. Good lord; I see the similarities but here are the differences. I’ve abandoned my abuser and prime hater to avoid a violent reaction (deadly) on her.
    I’ve moved to a 12th floor apartment LOL. (and I still think it’s not high enough on those “situations” we don’t want to talk about now…)
    Yes it’s true; I left an abuser to live with another. That’s what happens when we are not financially independent. I stopped shopping for groceries because I have other health problems that get worse if I carry weights around. Especially when I have a driver license for 23 years and can’t drive although my abuser have a good car parked outside and I’m the only one in all the world that can’t drive any on her cars, unless they get old and want to give it away…
    I would feel like a nobody if I didn’t know who I am when people treat me like this. From time to time I am blessed by meeting the best of friends, people I look up to; People that are for real and know how to live their lives without even thinking on screwing someone because they have a good soul to even have that darkness inside.
    To answer your question; Abuse is abuse! I feel somewhat physically safe but my body is getting ill with such stress and I feel that I’m being physically abused as well. It’s crucial that I leave these crazy people for good and never let myself be in these situations ever again. I “just” need to get my health better fast and try to find a way to never be depended on anyone till the end of my life.
    I feel your pain…,

    Like

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