Monthly Archives: June 2015

You do Not Have to Set Yourself On Fire to Save Another Person

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save yourself memeIf your relationship has become one that is causing you mental, emotional or physical harm, then you need to begin devising exit plan.

You may feel that you are helping the person, or saving them from something. You may feel like you are saving them from the cruel world or saving them from themselves. They are an adult and they are responsible for their own well being as well as their own actions.

It is fine to want to help someone, but if they are demanding things that are unreasonable and your health is becoming compromised then they are using you. Love does not make unreasonable demands. Love does not rage. Love does not cause mental injury with no remorse.

If you are with a toxic personality then they have no guilt, and no remorse over any emotional or mental injuries they are inflicting upon you.

But they are telling me that they are not abusing me. How can I be sure?

If you feel that there is a question as to whether or not someone is using you or abusing you, then this is enough reason to move on. There are many more people in the world and you do not need to be with someone that puts you into a state of constant anxiety.

If you live in fear of the person’s actions and walk on eggshells to avoid upsetting them, then this is likely to be a toxic, abusive person.

Sometimes the easiest way to tell whether or not someone is in an abusive relationship is by how the victim acts, rather than by how the abuser appears.

It is not normal for you to be in a constant state of fear or anxiety.

It is not normal for you to fear your partner arriving home from work.

It is not normal for you to feel extreme anxiety about going home to them.

People that have loving, healthy relationships look forward to going home and to their partner arriving home. There is relaxed comfortable feeling about being together. You may have forgotten what this is like or never have experienced a calm healthy relationship at all.

If you grew up in an abusive household then you may  have no frame of reference to know what normal , healthy relationships are like. You may have been taught that love involves taking abuse, rage, injustice and unreasonable demands.

That is why you need to know that healthy relationships are calm. content, relaxed and rewarding. People should look forward to seeing their partner and not fear what will happen when they interact with them.

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Keeping Sane After an Abusive Relationship

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GentleKindness

love is calm

This is an important one. Love is calm and understanding. There is no reason for someone who really loves you to rage at you. There is no reason for them to give you communication that is confusing  or hurtful.

Saying cruel words to someone, in order to make them feel bad, so that they can be manipulated, is not love. Having battles of who is better at what, who is right, who is in charge…none of this is love.

We love our friends and we support them. We may point something out for their own good, if they are heading down a dangerous road. That is our job as a friend.

If someone reacts to this kindness of your offering a different perspective about them and their situation, in a violent angry manner…this is not love either.

If your partner is telling you his opinions about something and then gets…

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Isolated in an Abusive Relationship

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If you are in the midst of an abusive relationship then you are probably being forced to isolate. This is a typical tactic of abusers to keep control over you.

It may be unsafe for you to force the issue with him about seeing your friends.

You are probably online seeking support and connection with compassionate humans. That is good and you need support and compassion from other people.

If it has gotten to where you are very isolated, then you should know things will most likely get worse from here on out.

It may seem like complying with his wishes, and giving him all your time and attention will keep him happy. But there is a problem with that.

You are a normal human who seeks happiness. It is logical to project those normal desires onto him, and assume he is seeking peace and happiness with you.

But toxic people do not think or feel in the same ways that you and I do.

He is not seeking harmony or happiness. He is seeking dominance and he feels entitled to using you up and bringing you down, so he can wipe you off of his shoes.

He feels that he owns you but he will never be happy with you.

Why?

In his twisted mind, everything he “owns” should be perfect because he is perfect. He has an unreasonable, completely unattainable mold for you to fit into.

You will never be the ridiculous, obedient, perfect, thing that he idealized in his head, he wanted to make you into….like a pygmalian project.

He will only keep giving you impossible situations to live up to and place unreasonable demands on you.

This is not love. You are not a plastic toy with no feelings.

You need to begin thinking your way out. Get support. Get help. Be safe.

Do not confront him, threaten him or give him ultimatums. You will increase the level of violence.

Get help from someone that is knowledgeable about leaving an abuser. There may be a women’s shelter or you can talk to the police.

There is a really good blog on WordPress with great posts to build your confidence in yourself and your self esteem. That is the Better Not Broken blog.

Another great blog for you is the Silver Girl blog.

Learning and connecting will help to build your self esteem back up.

But leaving needs to be safe. Use your head. Act …Don’t React.

Blessings for peace and safety,
Annie ❤

What Does Machiavelli have to do with Narcissism? The Dark Triad

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This video is meant to be humorous and it is, but this is actually a perfect example of what someone with a Machiavellian Philosophy would do.

This is important for you to know, if you are trying to avoid abusive relationships and you tend to attract abusers into your life.

Narcissism can be co-morbid with other disorders. There is something that is referred to as the Dark Triad. People that have the dark triad are narcissist that also have antisocial personality. To complete the triad they live with a philosophy which is the Machiavellian philosophy.

I personally think that the Machiavellian philosophy goes hand in hand with narcissism and is something that most narcissists live by. They believe that the ends justifies the means. They do not care of people are hurt, as long as they get what they want in the end.

The extent to which a narcissist will go, in order to reach their end goal, is affected by whether or not they have antisocial personality disorder, which means they are a psychopath. If someone is a psychopath then they are willing to commit illegal acts as part of their “means” to reach their end goals.

This video shows a short play with three characters. One of the characters uses a Machiavellian philosophy to get the job that he is interviewing for in the play.

If you are unfamiliar with Machiavelli, he wrote the book The Prince, which teaches that any means can be used in order to reach one’s goals.

Here is a YouTube Video on Machiavelli and his book The Prince. The really disturbing thing is all the comments under the video of men trying to compare their test scores on the Machiavellian test. They are proud of scoring high and being competitive and / or high fiving each other for getting high scores.

This is very disturbing and it lets you know that these guys are out there and they know what they are doing. There are men that actually study how to use and manipulate others in order to get their own agenda met. They are proud of the fact that the ends justifies the means for them.

Help for abuse victims

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Killing Me Softly: Emotional & Psychological Abuse

Depressed and stressed woman Image courtesy of FreeDigitalPhotos.net/artur84

Abuse victims share a myriad experiences. One of the most insidious is isolation – from friends, family, interest groups, churches and sometimes, even from social media. Nothing is surer than that your abusive partner has alienated you emotionally from himself, the only person left to lean on. Abuse victims who have nowhere to turn for help are at high risk for substance abuse (to dull the pain), severe depression and other mental illnesses – even the ultimate escape – suicide.

Abuse, whether physical, psychological, emotional or verbal, invariably shatters your self-belief. You no longer trust your own thoughts, feelings and perceptions. This completes the feeling of desolation. You believe no one cares, and if they did, what could they do? If you’re reading this and silently asking, ‘Is there help for abuse victims? Is there help for me?‘ – I want to…

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Is It Possible He’s Not 100% Narcissist?

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Let Me Reach with Kim Saeed

Pensive Lady

Part of the reason targets of narcissistic abuse stay in the relationship beyond a reasonable and rational point is because they find it too hard to accept the idea that some people are cunning, devious and heartless.  People who are conscientious give manipulators the benefit of the doubt and try to see their side of things.

This is exactly what narcissists and other emotional manipulators count on.

It’s no secret that narcissists target people who possess specific personality traits and vulnerabilities.  By definition, vulnerability refers to the inability to withstand the effects of a hostile environment (en.wikipedia.org).  Because of this inability to survive in an unfriendly environment, targets of narcissistic abuse distance themselves from painful reality through the use of defense mechanisms which are fairly unconscious, meaning victims use these mechanisms without even being aware of doing so.

Narcissists keep their victims in a constant state of fear, which in…

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