Domestic Violence: Another Piece of My Story

reclaiming mei

Over a year later, it still isn’t easy for me to talk about the domestic violence I went through. It’s hard for me to tell my whole story at once, as I’ve mentioned somewhere on this blog, and it can take me months before I can write another post. Goodness knows it took 19 years for me to talk about the child abuse I went through, and I like to (darkly) joke that I can only process one form of abuse at a time. I’ve already written a bit about sexual abuse; in this post I write about physical abuse–an easier topic for me personally, but nonetheless difficult.    I originally wrote this article for an informational website I was making for DV victims and survivors (which explains the “professional” tone in some sections), but decided to post it here instead.


Physical abuse happens when a person tries…

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abuse red flags, domestic abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissistic abuse

Women Staying in Domestic Abuse due to Social and Cultural Discrimination

There are many reasons why women stay with an abuser. Some of them have to do with views that society has of women and marriage. The role of women is still considered by certain groups of people to be the one that is  “supportive no matter what.”

Many women are brought up to feel that the husband is the dominant person and that that allows for excuses for abusive behavior.

Women who choose to leave their husbands are often shamed by their families, churches and social groups. When the wife tried to explain that abuse was occurring people have reactions that cause her to feel like she is at fault. They claim that the husband would not have abused her if she were more patient and understanding of him. 

Some people think that if a man has a hard day then it is a good excuse for him verbally abusing his wife.  

When the verbal abuse turns into physical abuse then it must her fault for complaining about the verbal abuse.  Also people will not acknowledge any physical abuse unless the woman has injuries that require hospitalization. 

They will tell the wife that if she behaves better that her husband will treat her better. They encourage her to stay in the abusive relationship and that she should work harder to be a better wife.

Cheating is mentally abusive behavior, especially when it continues over time behind the wife’s back. This is deceitful and the lies that are told to the wife’s face are highly disrespectful.  Once the wife discovers the on-going lies, she can  become traumatized and disoriented about the nature of reality.

For months or years she believed that her husband was being honest with her and then she realizes that her entire reality was based on lies. Reality was actually intentionally distorted to manipulate her into staying and trying to work out the marriage. Yet some families will still take the husband’s side and blame the wife.

I have even heard people tell women that the husband cheated on her because she was not being a “good enough, obedient ans submissive, proper Christian wife.”  If she had been more submissive to him, then he would not have had any desire to cheat on her. She drove him to it by not having dinner on the table the second he got home and being at his beck and call.

It has to have been her fault because her job was to keep the husband happy in any way he expected her to. They will shame her and make her the failure of the marriage.

There are people that will yell the wife that as long as the abuse is not right in front of the eyes of the children that they are not harmed by it.

The husband can criticize and yell at the wife in the next room, and it will not have any mental/ emotional damage to the children. So the wife wanting to leave for the sake of he children gets criticized and people tell her that any father is better than no father at all, even if he is abusive. 

There is a great information page about domestic abuse at the Power to Break Free website. It has a graph of the Wheel of Power, the Pyramid of Power Pyramid and the Cycle of Abuse Circle with the five stages of violence.

It also has a list of facts and statistics about domestic violence. According to statistics over 20 percent of the female population will become a victim of domestic violence.

“Around the world collectively 33 percent of women are beaten, raped or otherwise abused during their lifetime. ”  Power to Break Free.com

You can view or download lots of information from this site.

In spite of what the men’s anti-feminist groups will tell you, women are abused much more often that men are. The statistic is 85 percent of abuse victims are women.

However the statistics about abuse of men are probably not correct. The percentage is likely to be somewhat higher than the statistic because of the stigma about men who are abused.

There are situations of women being abusive to men and not being reported because people would minimize or disbelieve the man who is the victim. 

Here is a list on Domestic Abuse Hotlines and other information and help for victims. 

Abuse happens in every country, every culture and at each and every economic level.

Over 200 million children live in homes where there is regular violence. No matter what the media says about the rate of abuse going down, it is not true. 

Most abusive situations are not reported for a long time, if at all. The statistics on abuse are missing numbers due to the women and men who are abused and never report it.

Most domestic abuse offenders have personality disorders like Malignant Narcissistic Personality Disorder or Anti-Social personality Disorder (psychopaths). The best protection is learning about the red flags of abusers.

If you have a history of relationships with abusers then you also should learn about People Pleaser Syndrome, Co-dependence and how to create boundaries to protect yourself.

There is a lot of information on the internet about these things but often just reading about it is not enough. Many people need extra help in re-wiring their mental behaviors.

Therapy or Life Coaching for C-PTSD, and People Pleaser Syndrome can help. Someone who is trained at dealing with C-PTSD can help you to discover the root causes of your mental Rules of Behavior.  NLP techniques can also help to re-wire the subconscious and give you a new way of perceiving your rights to  your emotional and mental boundaries.

Most people who have People Pleaser Syndrome also have C-PTSD from childhood mental abuse or other abuse. People that were mentally and emotionally abused as  children do not always recognize the abuse in their past.

domestic abuse, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome, narcopath, post traumatic stress disorder from domestic abuse . mental abuse, psychopathic abuse, PTSD

Domestic Abuse, Narcissistic abuse and PTSD

Triggers suck.

Domestic Abuse, narcissistic abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse….all can cause PTSD . You will end up with emotional flashbacks that are triggered by certain things that remind your brain of danger or trauma.

For people into NLP triggers are called NLP anchors. The difference is that NLP anchors can be good or bad. They might be pre- existing from a past trauma or created to ease the effects of trauma.

They can be put into your mind intentionally to bring about a certain mood or mental state. This is a functional or a therapeutical use for them.

Back in the days of Pavlov, triggers were discovered as a tool for behavioral modification. You know…Pavlov’s dog.

Every time Pavlov fed the dog, he rang a bell first. After a while the dog salivated at the sound of the bell even without the food being presented.

This is how our minds create associations between certain triggers and a corresponding emotional response.

I have ring tones that I hate the sound of. There are songs I cannot listen to. I had such anxiety connected with my ex calling me or not calling me that the sound of my old ring tone makes my blood pressure rise.

Some triggers are related to incidents and some are related to specific poem. Some triggers are related to time periods or ongoing abuse. Others are related to break ups from our ex.

There are some triggers that we are well aware of where they come. Other ones may be related to trauma from our past from when we were very young or even infants.

There may be triggers that create emotional flashbacks for you that are from periods of time that you have blacked out from your mind…or I should say that your brain blocked them out in order to protect you.

The first few weeks to months after an abusive relationship can be filled with startle responses and severe physiological responses to triggers that remind you of the abuse.

Although every so often I am out somewhere and a stranger’s phone rings with the very ring tone that is now taboo on my cell phone.

There are times when we suddenly feel severe anxiety and have no idea what caused the onset. This can sometimes be an emotional flashback to a trigger we are unaware of.

That is a very tricky one to figure out. You would have to write down all the sights, smells and circumstances that were around at the time of the anxiety attack.

You would have to keep a log of those things each time you had an unexpected, unexplainable anxiety attack. Then look for anything in common between them that was never part of your environment when you are calm.

To make it even more complex, triggers can have more than one component to them. It might not be candlelight or the smell of roses individually that triggers you. It could be the combination of the two of them that does it.

Certain emotional triggers can be healed or at least the effect can be lessened through NLP techniques. Other ones may be harder to deal with than others.

The ones that we cannot identify or do not know what they were caused by are the worst ones in a way. At least as far as there being any hope for treatment.

The more severe the trauma, the more severe the pain from being triggered

Talking about your triggers or unexplained emotional brain attacks is the first step to healing or at least lessening the feeling of alienation or isolation due to PTSD or Complex PTSD.

Know you are not alone. There are others of us that understand.


Narc-Sadistic Brainwashing: The 8 Ingredients Of Mind Control

Free From Toxic


Have you ever wondered how narcissists and sociopaths (narcopaths) are so highly skilled at control and manipulation tactics without ever having stepped foot in an advanced psychology classroom? Were you ever curious how by some means they instinctively know how to take a smart, successful and happy person and methodically dismantle their self-worth and self-esteem to smithereens so covertly that the target is completely unaware that it’s even happening until it is too late? Have you said to yourself, “It’s like they all went to the same Jim Jones University of Narcopathy or they all must have read the same Narcopath For Dummies book?”

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emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, mental health, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, Psychopath abusive relationship, PTSD from mental abuse

Narcissist Discard Aftermath Nightmares

I have heard many people mention weird dreams or nightmares occurring in the first few weeks following the realization that they had been in an intimate relationship with a psychopath or a narcissist.

Some people have said that they dreamed of their ex in ways that represented missing them.

Other people dream of things being the way they used to be, prior to the dawning, shocking realization that the relationship was an entire deception.

Personally I had the most terrifying nightmares I have ever had before that. I guess you could call them night terrors, because when I awoke I felt like something evil had followed me out of the dream and into the darkness of my bedroom.

I had to start sleeping with the lights on again, which I had not done in years.

In the dream I would be walking in some building either alone or with other people.  Out of no where it would feel like this evil entity, dressed as a man, would enter my dream and invade my mind.

The evil creature would grab me from behind in such a shocking way that it disturbed me to my very core.

It was the way he appeared out of nowhere in the dream that was so terrifying. One minute no one was in the hallway and then he would just materialize and grab me.

I swear when I woke up I could still feel his hands around me. I felt as though whatever it was did not belong in my dream.

I had not given it permission to be there. It was like it was entering my mind from the outside.

Did any of you have dream experiences?


How Narcissistic Abuse can help you heal. Divorcing a narcissist.


Melanie Tonia Evans is particularly good on this radio show. Notes below.


It’s actually impossible to have a healthy and genuine relationship with someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder.

People suffering from NPD don’t heal and don’t become healthy people – because someone with Narcissistic Personality Disorder is deeply unconscious and won’t take personal responsibility for the inner wounding that causes their horrendous behaviour.

Additionally he / she cannot give up narcissistic supply (the self-medicating of inner emotional pain) for long enough to meet, claim, embrace and deal with these inner wounds.

In stark contrast, the narcissist does EVERYTHING to self-avoid, garnish narcissistic supply and project their inner wounds onto others. It’s important to understand that if narcissists don’t do the inner work on their wounds – the exact reason they are capable of behaving in a malicious and pathological way any words, admissions and “sorrys” cannot hold up…

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