Ways to Stop Missing our Abuser

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It is hard to let go of the idealized image we had of the abuser. Letting go of the perfect partner we once believed we had, is a process, not a single act of will.

The narcissist or psychopath that seduced you into their lair, got into your mind in a way that normal people never do.

The narcissist is especially gifted at getting into your head and learning many things about you. They learn what your ideal is of the perfect partner.

They are able to transform themselves, cleverly and accurately, into the partner of your deepest dreams. They play their role of this perfect partner until they have you devoted to them.

They create a constant connection with you, that makes you feel like you are an important, desired, part of their lives.

They get your happy chemicals flowing, like dopamine.

The constant contact creates an increased need for this dopamine high. This is their design.

Once they tire of the false role they are playing for you, the devaluation stage begins.

They intermittently throw you small scraps of the idealized partner, just to keep that addiction to the dopamine live.

Even after they leave us, or we manage to escape from them, there is still a live chemical dependency on the abuser.

This was their design, in case they ever wanted to lure you back…”hoover” you back in, for narcissistic supply.

The realization that we were thought of as “supply” and had no more value to the narcissist than their computer or their cell phone, is hard to take in.

It is a realization that our entire perception of the relationship, and reality itself, was very wrong.

Months after the relationship has ended, we will feel sudden floods of emotion for the narcissist.

Maybe they were not all bad. Maybe some of the beautiful things they said to us were true.

This is only your brain fooling you. Your memories of the past are often inaccurate. We want to see things in a certain way that matches what we want to believe at the time.

Think of a time that your abuser said something nice, flattering, or kind to you. Your memory of this is tainted by your belief at the time that they cared about you.

If you were able to see that memory more realistically, you might pick up on little things that you did not see, but were in plain view.

Perhaps the narcissist gave you these sweet words as a reward for doing something that complied with their wishes.

In which case, the narcissist wss simply modifying your behaviour through simple bahavior modification tactics.

Perhaps the narcissist needed something from you, some favor to be done, and they gave you flattering words to boost your self esteem about your skills in the area that was needed for them.

After flattering your skill, they may have then given a guilt trip about how they are not good at that, but really need something done.

Then you would have felt guilty and of course, used your skill…possibly creativity, people skills, or business skills…in order to do the narcissist this favor.

There were many times that the narcissist said nice things to you, simply in order to manipulate you.

So, when you are remembering the past, keep in mind that our memories are not always truth. They are perceptions and are influenced by our beliefs at the time.

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21 responses »

  1. By the way how in the world did I had you “unfollow”? go figure.
    Anyways I read this on emmagc75, I thought that the part or key part is that they do get to you inside out and use it to their advantage, which is basically for you end up destroyed. I actually was with a girl that had all these signs and she did have me hooked, until one day she really but really had me in real trouble. After that last “gigg” of hers, I had to run out and change numbers. I once had 99 freaking calls from this gal if you can believe it, 99 where in the world did this nutcase have the time of the day to make so many calls. So I had to change numbers.

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    • Wow. I think I would definitely consider 99 calls stalking and also very disturbing and scary.

      There are people in this world that seem so harmless at first, but they are masking a very disturbing person that lies beneath the surface.

      I think that certain narcissists ( ones with psychopathic tendencies) particularly enjoy targeting people that are like you and I.

      We are independent thinkers and they hate that and want to destroy us. They also resent our ability for compassion and empathy.

      They want to break us and often they succeed. But no more of that for us…

      Much love,
      Annie<3

      Like

      • Exactly ! you said it, being independent is what this b–tch hated. Living my own life, with my own friends men and women, she just went ballistic if she saw me talking with a guy for a period of over 5 minutes because she would say I wasn´t paying attention to her and you can imagine if I was talking with a girl….she pulled a knife twice on me, that´s the only time I put a hand on this crazy ass. And more strange stories, I could go on that happened in a short period of time. Good thing is, I know now that I have been up close and personal with a freaking psychopath! Kind of scary if you think about it.
        So just moving on, or better said running out of there and not look back, past is past specially I don´t have time to re live a person like that.

        Liked by 1 person

    • By the way, you were very wise to change the phone number. The only way to deal with these people is not to deal with them at all.
      They will keep digging holes in you until there is nothing left of you.

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    • Yes I agree that she was a psychopath. People do not realize or believe that psychopathic people are where you will run into them, They are about 1 percent of the population. So if out of every hundred people, one of them is a psychopath then people cross paths with them and do not even realize it.

      It is only when you are in a personal relationship with them that their true colors come out, especially in private. In public they can appear just like everyone else.

      When we say anything to anyone, they think we are the crazy one !

      It takes time to heal from this kind of relationship and some of the scars never leave.

      Thank you for sharing your story. We can only talk to others that have had this experience. No one else believes it. So it is important to get validation from each other.

      Nice to hear from you, Charlie,
      Annie ❤

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      • That´s true, in public she could be the most normal person in the world and if I started talking about what she did during the night, you said it, people thought I was the crazy one. Good to know I´m not alone in that strange path I took with this nutcase. Quite amazing that I have been with a psychopath, now that I coldly think about it.
        Anyways, have a great day Annie.

        Like

    • It is frightening to think about it. I still can’t sleep well. It is 6am and I have not slept yet. It has been like this for months.
      I still have feeling of being unsafe, even though logically I know I am safe where I am. Sometimes I think about how he wanted to take a trip with me and I always said no.

      I had a bad feeling that I could not put my finger on so I always came up with an excuse not to away with him to another state. But he pushed for it a few times.
      I get freaked out when I wonder what might have happened,

      It is over and I should be able to sleep yet here I am at 6am talking to Charlie 🙂
      I am going to close my eyes now. Somehow I have to get up at noon to take my daughter to an appt.

      I will talk to you again. Tomorrow is another day….

      Annie<3

      Like

    • Yes I have two daughters. One is 12 and one is 18.
      Both are beautiful and don’t let anyone walk on them. They are very independent minded and I taught them to think for themselves.
      Lately they seem to think they know more than I do….
      They do not realize that an extra 30 years experience in life does actually teach you a few things 😉
      I like it that they know how to stand up for themselves. I think I taught them too well for my own good though….

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      • You got two little fighters there, well not all that little, but two fighters in life, so it seems you did a good job and now at least for one of them the one of 18 now you can let her fly out of the nest. Man, two girls….that must be tough raising two girls, a handful I can imagine.

        Liked by 1 person

    • You have to let go a little at a time, giving them a little more slack each age. Tap them back on the better path if they start wandering off track.

      I don’t know how 18 year olds can make it on their own though…the way the economy is so screwed up.

      It keeps getting worse in spite of what Obama says. They have to live at home longer now. That’s ok because I would miss her.

      I just wish I could make ends meet myself. Hopefully it will get better soon.

      Good night Charlie,
      after 6 am again here….
      Annie<3

      Like

      • She can work, I was working by age 16 and by age 19 I was on my own, I think young people now a days are a bit either weak or lazy. By 19 I was in the army and deployed, so no mommy or daddy there to help out make my food let alone defend me from baddies. Talk about economy, here we have 26% unemployment, a friend of mine got fired from Burger King, him and two more, if you get laid off from Burger the King, you tell me if the economy is bad, and I won´t even tell you how my own economy, quite pacetic to see my account of the bank. But you just got to survive and keep going, is not all that bad since I can use a computer I have a roof over my head, and I can eat at least one meal a day, I have been in worst situations so…… just let them fly. If the girl doesn´t learn hardships early in life I think that later on in her life when she gets out in the real world she´ll probably suffer from depression.

        Liked by 1 person

    • Yes I left at 18 or 19 also. I left to get away from “home” and thought I would find a real home…..I am still looking and still homesick.

      People that grow up abused keep finding the same kinds of people….or worse..
      But now you I have learned things that we did not know before about narcissists and psychopaths.

      Hopefully we can avoid them in the future. But I have to get my way out of this house of abusive people that I am living with first. I feel engulfed in darkness here and I can’t figure my way out.

      WordPress is a tiny stream of light that connects me to some compassion.

      I am going to try to go back to sleep for a little more. Consciousness is overwhelming me right now….but thank you for listening.

      Annie<3

      Like

    • Thank you and yes, you are right. We learn attachment styles at young ages.
      It is like our Map of what reality is supposed to be is missing the accurate information.

      There are ways to rewire the brain and upgrade the software, so to speak. Unfortunately people usually go through abuse from predators as an adult a few times before they realize that their brain software was corrupted during childhood.

      I have been fervently studying NLP techniques and methods of using compassionate dialogue, in order to assist my life coaching clients with these issues.

      It takes time and proactive healing to get better. But I do believe people can learn to set boundaries, look for red flags and change their mental / emotional behavior patterns.

      Thank you so much for taking the time to comment and share your thoughts here. People should not have to continue to be revictimized and retraumatized .

      Annie:)

      Liked by 1 person

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