Why is it so common for a victim to leave an abuser and for their friends, coworkers, and loved ones to side with the narcissist?
The narcissist plans the break up way ahead of time. They already know that you are going to tell people that they were abusive to you. They value their “perfect false self” image. They cannot have people thinking they are abusive. How would they be able to get another victim?
So ahead of time they begin to destroy your reputation and tell lies about you. They often tell people that you are mentally ill. If you do have mental illness, then they will make it worse than it is.
They will play the victim and tell people that they are trying so hard to deal with you, but it is hard for them. You are mentally and emotionally abusing them.
They will get to your co-workers, your mutual friends and anyone else that they can. Some of them are able to get the victim’s own family to see you as the abusive one in the relationship.
You have no idea this is going on and by the time you are done with the relationship, your reputation as a mentally abuser precedes you. People do not believe you. They were already told that you were going to blame your poor partner who has tried so hard to put up with your behaviors.
Another reason why people do not believe you is that narcissistic mental abuse is invisible. Unless you got broken bones and bruises that people saw, then no one sees any abuse. Most victims cover up any physical signs while they are still in the relationship for fear of losing the partner or fear of punishment for telling.
Narcissistic abuse is so horrible and disturbing that most people just cannot believe that anyone who seems as normal as your abuser would do that. I mean who would spend time and energy to make someone feel like they are mentally ill and to torment someone by confusing their reality to the point that they become mentally ill?
No one believes this. Even the police , the therapists and the courts have trouble telling who the abuser is. The narcissist is smart. They may even have parts of recorded conversations and emails that are out of context and make you look abusive.
They are going to be calm, cool and collected in any therapists office, while you are crying and making claims about this person that just seem unbelievable.
This is a sad thing and many many people have gone through this. They sometimes have their children taken away based on how they appear to a therapist in comparison to how normal the abuser appears.
The best thing to do is to keep as much documentation of their behaviors as you possibly can. Record conversations, keep emails, keep letters and notes that are abusive. Once you are out of the house, keep communication by email, if you have to communicate due to children you have in common.
If there are no children then go No Contact. You can look up information and support for going no contact. There are some very supportive videos on youtube that explain why to keep no contact and they you can watch to remind you when you feel like breaking it.