domestic abuse, emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, narcissistic abuse, red flags of a narcissist, red flags of an abusive person, red flags you are dating an abuser

Red Flags You are Dating an Abuser

Here is a list of red flags that may help you to see early on that you are with an abusive personality. If you are seeing a few of these characteristics then you need to assert some boundaries with them and see how they react.

If they fight you about having simple personal boundaries then you need to realize that you may be in an abusive relationship. 

Tell them you have to go sleep early one night because you have a lot to do the next day. If they do not accept this, then there is a problem.

No one should give you guilt or shame you that you are not good to them, when you are doing simple basic things to take care of yourself.

It is not normal for someone to threaten to leave you or call you a bad girlfriend if you want to do things for yourself like take a class, do an extra assignment for school or work, or spend time with family or friends.

You should never feel manipulated by guilt, shame or fear. People that love you do not inflict fear or threats in order to get you to comply.

Here is a list that I have come up with from research and also from personal experience. There may be things that need to be added. Feel free to leave any ideas in the comments.

Keep in mind that narcissists are on their best behavior at the very beginning of the relationship, called the idealization phase.

Many of these red flags will not come up until the “honeymoon phase” is over in a couple of months. The best ones to look for early on are the ones that I put near to the top of this list.

Love Bombing and Pushing to be in a Serious Relationship Right Away

Constant texting, calling, stopping over (calls you the second you get out from work or during work/ calls you while you are trying to get ready for work/ calls you first thing on your day off and wants to be on the phone, texting, or see you all day on every day off you have / calls while you are out with friends and you told them you would be busy with friends/  texts you when you said you would be at the gym….never ending constant contact)

Angry or very upset when you do not respond to texts and voicemails right away

Never taking responsibility for their action – things are always someone else’s fault

Chameleon-like changeable personality – a different personality for different people and situations

They are always right and never make a mistake

They hate to be told they could have done something better or differently

Jealousy and Ownership of You

Isolating you from family and friends (discouraging you from spending time with them/  getting angry when you do/ saying that those people are interfering somehow in your relationship/ telling you that relatives that you have known for years are out to get you and you did not realize it)

Need to control your schedule

Never apologizes or does so in a sarcastic,  fake way ( my ex never apologized but when I brought up something that was bothering me he would say “I am always apologizing to you.”…

I would say “you are?” and then he would say “Yes and I am not doing it anymore. I am tired of you making me apologize to me.”  …

And the funny thing was I was not looking for an apology.  He jumped to that conclusion on his own.  I just wanted to work on our communication.)

Need to know where you are at all times

Telling you what to wear and how to look

Control of the money ( you need to check with them before you spend your own money/  they question how you spend your money/ shame you or make you feel guilty over spending your money on yourself)

Criticism and disrespect  of women (this may not be directed at you at first  since they put on their mask and are on their best behavior during the idealization phase – observe how they treat other women who they have nothing to gain from)

Making you account for your whereabouts

Making you ask permission or clear your activities with them

Name calling and demeaning

Complaining that the women at work do not treat him with respect

Excessive monitoring and making you check in all the time

Extreme sense of entitlement

Unrealistic, and unreasonable  demands

Lack of sympathy and empathy

Not interested in anyone else’s side of things

Accusing you of cheating when you are not

Blaming you for things that do not go his way

Excessive need for control in the house

Manipulating your friends and family to take their side in arguments

Getting angry if you have a different opinion than they do

Making you feel stupid and less intelligent than they are

Being disrespectful to you in front of your family and friends

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13 thoughts on “Red Flags You are Dating an Abuser”

    1. Thank you for reblogging this. Those of us that know this now should teach the ones who do not.
      I wish I had known these things before .
      I would have recognized abusive people much sooner than I did.
      Annie ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      1. I totally agree with you, Annie! I wish that I would have known also… or known better than ignoring the ones that I did see. So many of us have been broken at young ages and desire to be loved so much that we become victim to the lies and deception of abusers. I pray that God heals us all!

        Liked by 1 person

    1. Thank you for reblogging this. We have to get this information out to people. Most people do not know until after they are already broken and traumatized.

      Always nice to hear from you. 🙂
      Annie ❤

      Like

  1. Reblogged this on Rose with Thorns and commented:
    It is important to take a look at this list not only for yourself but others in your life. The sad truth is that many women and men are in abusive relationships. Also, more men and women are abusive than they might even know. We need to deal with this issue instead of ignoring it.

    Liked by 1 person

    1. Most people do not know about it. The main people that are targeted for abuse are people that have holes in their boundaries. This is usually due to developmental stages being interfered with during childhood.

      So, the people that have C-PTSD from mental / emotional abuse during childhood are unaware of these boundaries because they were never taught them.

      Most of the other people just assume everyone has boundaries and those people do not tolerate abusive people. They would cut them off very quickly.

      The others are predators who do not want you to fix your weak points.

      I am glad you have the red flags and are aware of the predators now. Unfortunately most of us never proactively learn these things until after we have been abused.

      But at least we can prevent another predator from getting through. It helps to work on self esteem and to get therapy or life coaching sessions for people pleaser syndrome / codependence to ensure another predator does not get in.

      Blessings,
      Annie

      Like

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