Red Flags You Are with an Abusive Person

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Here is a list of red flags that may help you to see early on that you are with an abusive personality. If you are seeing a few of these characteristics then you need to assert some boundaries with them and see how they react.

If they fight you about having simple personal boundaries then you need to realize that you may be in an abusive relationship. 

Tell them you have to go sleep early one night because you have a lot to do the next day. If they do not accept this, then there is a problem.

No one should give you guilt or shame you that you are not good to them, when you are doing simple basic things to take care of yourself.

It is not normal for someone to threaten to leave you or call you a bad girlfriend if you want to do things for yourself like take a class, do an extra assignment for school or work, or spend time with family or friends.

You should never feel manipulated by guilt, shame or fear. People that love you do not inflict fear or threats in order to get you to comply.

Here is a list that I have come up with from research and also from personal experience. There may be things that need to be added. Feel free to leave any ideas in the comments.

Keep in mind that narcissists are on their best behavior at the very beginning of the relationship, called the idealization phase.

Many of these red flags will not come up until the “honeymoon phase” is over in a couple of months. The best ones to look for early on are the ones that I put near to the top of this list.

Love Bombing and Pushing to be in a Serious Relationship Right Away

Constant texting, calling, stopping over (calls you the second you get out from work or during work/ calls you while you are trying to get ready for work/ calls you first thing on your day off and wants to be on the phone, texting, or see you all day on every day off you have / calls while you are out with friends and you told them you would be busy with friends/  texts you when you said you would be at the gym….never ending constant contact)

Angry or very upset when you do not respond to texts and voicemails right away

Never taking responsibility for their action – things are always someone else’s fault

Chameleon-like changeable personality – a different personality for different people and situations

They are always right and never make a mistake

They hate to be told they could have done something better or differently

Jealousy and Ownership of You

Isolating you from family and friends (discouraging you from spending time with them/  getting angry when you do/ saying that those people are interfering somehow in your relationship/ telling you that relatives that you have known for years are out to get you and you did not realize it)

They feel the Need to control your schedule

Never apologizes or does so in a sarcastic,  fake way

Need to know where you are at all times

Telling you what to wear and how to look

Control of the money ( you need to check with them before you spend your own money/  they question how you spend your money/ shame you or make you feel guilty over spending your money on yourself)

Criticism and disrespect  of women (this may not be directed at you at first  since they put on their mask and are on their best behavior during the idealization phase – observe how they treat other women who they have nothing to gain from)

Making you account for your whereabouts

Making you ask permission or clear your activities with them

Name calling and demeaning you

Complaining that the women at work do not treat him with respect / also treating employees or people that are performing a service for them (like a waitress, a hotel maid, a taxi driver) with disrespect and contempt

Excessive monitoring and making you check in all the time

Extreme sense of entitlement

Unrealistic, and unreasonable  demands

Lack of sympathy and empathy

Not interested in anyone else’s side of things

Accusing you of cheating when you are not

Blaming you for things that do not go his way

Excessive need for control in the house

Manipulating your friends and family to take their side in arguments

Getting angry if you have a different opinion than they do

Making you feel stupid and less intelligent than they are

Being disrespectful to you in front of your family and friends

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7 responses »

      • yes, I guess this is true. Thank you, we have spoken about this matter and when he return from abroad we can solve our differences. The problem is me….the memories of the pain that he inflict remains in my mind ….It was me who change. Maybe healing is a very long process . I’m still living with the trauma though I tried to go out and be active again still, this fear in my heart remains it won’t budge.

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    • If you are feeling like the problem is you then he might be feeding this thought into your subconscious brain. If someone who was abusive wants to change and be a good partner , then they would not want you to feel at fault. They would not want you to feel like you are the problem.
      Abusers rarely change. The fact that you are feeling like you are the problem and that you should “get over” the abuse from the past worries me.

      Just be careful. Review the red flags if abusers and the nine traits of narcissism. I can send you links if you need them.

      Remember to be open minded about what you believe to be true Facts that speak to the contrary should make you question the belief. People like us, who are used to being in abusive relationships tend to alter the facts to fit our belief.

      Here is an example…
      Mary believes that her boyfriend cares about her and wants what is best for her. He has told her this many times. She thinks that because he told her he wants the best for her it must be true.

      He tells her that he will always come home right after work because he values the relationship and wants her to feel supported. Then after a couple of months he starts to come home a couple of hours late.

      When she asks him about it, he becomes angry and shifts the blame on her, telling her that if she were not so controlling then maybe he would want to come home. He begins to demean her and criticize her on a regular basis.

      Mary has to reconcile the belief with the facts that do not fit the belief. Something has to change in her mind…either her belief that he really wants the best for her…or the facts themselves.

      So Mary alters the facts in her mind …with his manioulation to assist…and sees the facts as SHe is the problem and she is too controlling. If she were better to him then he would want to come home. She alters his abuse of her …to think that she is actually abusing him. He tells her that he is having anxiety because of her behavior and she believes him because…..If she does not believe him then…..it means he does not really care about her.

      She has altered the facts and the reality in order to still be able to believe that he loves her and wants the best for her. The idea that he has been lying and manipulating her is not something she wants to accept…even though all the facts actually back that up.

      Please be careful and look at the facts as they present themselves in an objective way, as if someone else were telling them to you. If you picture that another woman were telling you about the facts of the situation then you can see things from a more detached point of view.

      There are some NLP hypnosis techniques that could help you. If you ever decide you want to try that let me know. You can reach me through my web site
      gentlekindnesscoaching.com

      I have been through this before and unfortunately I do not trust him because of the fact that you said you feel that You are the Problem. I believe that he is feeding that to you in some covert way that you may not realize.

      Much love,
      Annie ❤

      Liked by 1 person

      • thanks, Annie I greatly appreciate how you try to bring light my negative perception about my problem….yes, learning to accept that marriage must be worked out despite the latent abuse of one partner in my country divorce is not honored if you want annulment its very costly . So many endured the pain and sacrifice for the sake of the children in fear of losing face but there’s a new law goverrning about this marital issue if the couple separated for 6 years they can file annulment because directly they are already separated by having no contact for about 6 years.
        yes, christianity feeds us that despite of the distances, all the abuse all the pain and sacrifices one must learn to forgive and forget. That’s how I see things before but now. I question myself through all the pain and sacrifices that I’ve been through . I learned that the abuser wants to change and guarantee that he change for you the issue now is different it concerns my well being and my feelings about him. The fear in my heart grows and my instinctive ability to accept him once again even he said that he will change it’s not the same as before. I already have this fear inside me tattoed in the back of my mind all the details of what I’ve been through . Eventually, it was me who change and my feelings for him also is no longer the same now fear is immenent.
        I feared to suffer the same ordeal that I’ve been through with him before . In conclusion there is dual force living inside me to go on giving him a chance or leave at once and pick up the pieces I leave behind to let me heal first. I was very devastated that It feels like it’s better to live alone than live with him.
        We talked it over online making compromises on my part to have peace temporary between us because the children are the one who suffered by our constant bickerings over nothing . I feel better not talking to him i have my peace when we have frequent contact I feel agitated and irritated.Before the great force of his abusive onslaught against me he knows that I gave him undivided attention but upon knowing that he wants to consume everything that really matters to me up to the very small detail of my existence I feel devastated and angry with him everything i do whether right or wrong is a mistake for him.People are talking because I become bipolar we are shouting over the phone which I am not ….they think that I’ve gone insane. It hurts I realized that I’ve been through a ver chronic depression stage by learning to accept what I’ve been through the healing surfaced. I was angry with him and with myself by doing everything he wants me to do thus forgetting what truly matters o me. I put him first only to learnthat he wants me to give my loyalty to him in a choice he wants to make a very selfish options he have ( if i give up my faith and ministry that equals the meaning of life to his disproportionate desire to own me and a guarantee over his devious choice between another woman he wants to covet i put him first and it become a connflict . He learns to own my boundaries i set for myself )
        I was angry becaause a family business became a worldwide issue I was terribly hurt when he tried to abuse and literally ruin a person who have done nothing to him.I was terribly hurt when he tried to literally demean other people using my name and it cause great havoc in my demeanor I felt belittled by his disrespect and mistrust. I told him that I want out he told me to wait on him till he came home ….and talk if we can patch things up or end it . I told him I want to ork abroad its the only way to heal me from all the pain that I’ve been through.
        His family have done tremendous effort to demean me and hurt me use and abuse my gentleness and kindness given a very generous heart i forgive them despite of all the pain and disrespect that i suffered that makes me wanna give up my life and my children’s. the most painful of all is when your beloved someone hurts you the most infavor to his family when they tell him anything about me derogatorily whatever it was. It likes he was killing me telling myself its over. I can’t take it anymore the pain is so great.I don’t go out alone nor talk with any man on my cellphone thus not to incite any doubts on everyone around me. I have much to tell to get all this off my head….many things happened that is very heavy to bear. I guess i have to write storiesabout it and asseess and have a synopsis about my personal isssues. Thank you for giving extra care about my ordeal.

        Liked by 1 person

  1. Thank you for sharing. You do not have to feel guilty just because the church thinks you should. People twist the bible around and there are narcissists in the church also.
    I have been researching narcissists in Christian churches for a few weeks now. I could send you a few links to some YouTube videos by a person that I like to listen to.

    Remember that narcissists like to be in positions where they can manipulate people and they can have a cult following of sorts. The leaders in the church who are narcissists can use the bible and say that God is speaking to them, Then when they tell you what to do it seems like they are just having you follow God, but they can twist things around any way they want to, especially if they can lay guilt and shame on you.

    I believe in Jesus and I read all the stories in the bible that he was in. He always spoke of forgiveness but not for forgiving someone who abused you and will continue to do so. This forgiveness of Jesus should apply to you as opposed to working against you.

    Any good christian should want you to be safe and to be able to have your own identity. Some people have never been abused so they do not understand your position. Other people in church are toxic and just want to control other people.

    Just be careful. You said that You feel better alone than with him. This is how you feel and God would respect that. Why does the abuser get forgiveness and you get put into a situation that torments you and created mental illness? It is not a christian way of thinking at all. It is just people manipulating the bible to their favor.

    Wishing you peace,
    Annie

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