It has been 4 months since I wrote my 3 month No Contact Anniversary Post. On March 14 will be my 6 month anniversary of being narcissist free. What’s more ..I have not entered into any other relationship.
I used to always grab the next guy I saw and go into a serious relationship right away. I could not stand the toxic loneliness that came with being alone, especially right after a break-up. I have gone from one relationship right into another since I was a teenager.
This is the first time I held out and endured the loneliness. It can be done! Not only that, it gives you time to get to know yourself better and to heal from the trauma of an abusive relationship before you get involved with someone else.
When you give yourself this time, you can rebuild your self esteem and become stronger in your own identity. You can now wait for the right person rather than jumping into a relationship with someone you do not know that well…who usually turns out to be another narcissist.
You do not recognize them as a narcissist, especially if you have not studied about the red flags and also learned to establish healthy boundaries for yourself. You need time to yourself to find out what boundaries you need to have and how to define and maintain them.
In order to avoid ending up with another abuser, you need to be okay by yourself first. If you are suffering from toxic loneliness and just want to jump into something as a distraction from your pain, then a narcissist or a psychopath is going to recognize you as an easy target.
They know how to spot you in a room full of people, on the internet from what you write, over the phone from the things you say or anywhere they see you. In one conversation they can tell if you will be compliant with them when you feel the threat of abandonment.
Narcissists are well trained at spotting codependent people and people that have People Pleaser Syndrome. They know that you are afraid to be alone and that you need to be validated by another person for your self esteem and self worth.
Before you go into another relationship you have to learn to self-generate your own feelings of self worth. You need to be secure in the fact that you are worthy because of who you are and not because of what you do.
People that grew up with a narcissistic or otherwise abusive parent learn that they are only loved based on what they do. They learn to cater and comply with the narcissistic parent to avoid punishment and retaliation. They learn that love is based on how well you please the narcissist.
But this is not what real love is. When someone really loves and cares about you, it is because they appreciate you for who you are inside. They should not play games making you jump through hoops just to get their attention and affection.
Six months is probably the minimum amount of time that it takes to get all these things together. I am still not ready for a serious relationship. I am not going to date until I feel more healed than this, but I am much better than I was before.
The pathological loneliness has to be endured. You have to go through the withdrawal symptoms and get over the Stockholme syndrome. The chemicals take time to re-regulate themselves and your brain actually needs to re-wire itself after narcissistic abuse.