This topic is near and dear to my heart. It has probably caused me more inner turmoil and pain than any other sort of abuse only because of the way it twisted my mind into believing that I was at fault for everything that happened to me. It made me believe that I deserved all I got and that I should be grateful for anything I still had or was ever given to me no matter how damaging.
Abusive people bait their victims. They play their cards close to their chests so that the victim is unable to see the fact that they are not being cared for or loved but rather, they are being baited. Abusers are great at this. The more years they practice it? The better they get. They spend their time getting you in to their web and when it is far too late for you…
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The Bigger Picture
The work of healing, letting go and moving forward is about self love.
It’s about creating a new beginning and the determination to change yourself and change your life. The healing process is hard and painfully slow but eventually you come to the point where you stop focusing on those that have caused you destruction, loss and pain.
People and actions that once consumed your thoughts and mind every minute of everyday now no longer take up so much space.
You feel clearer as the fog and confusion lifts. You can finally see the big picture.
You have had the strength to heal and the courage to completely remove yourself from the toxic people in your life whether they were family or friends. They are now simply part of your past, part of your tragic past but your past, and you are now completely free to create the future
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Thank you to Hummingbird Redemption for nomination this blog for the Real Neat Blog Award.
The Rules Are
1. Put the award logo on your blog.
2. Answer 7 questions asked by the person who nominated you.
3. Thank the people who nominated you, linking to their blogs.
4. Nominate any number of bloggers you like, linking to their blogs.
5. Let them know you nominated them (by commenting on their blog etc.)
My Nominees Are
My Questions for my Nominees
- Do you see yourself as introverted or extroverted?
- What do you do for relaxation?
- Do you have a favorite movie (or movies)?
- Do you have any pets?
- How long have you been blogging?
- How often do you read other blogs?
- Tell us something you want to share about yourself
- What was the last concert you’ve been to? I have not been able to afford any concerts lately. The last one I would have went to might have been Eric Clapton about 20 years ago. Unless you count the free concerts in the park they have in the area which I went to a few years ago.
- Your favorite song? Don’t You worry Bout a Thing by Stevie Wonder which is one of the songs in Silver Linings
- What annoys you the most? People with no empathy and people who do not respect other people’s boundaries
- Your favorite food? Seafood and Italian food
- What freaks you out? My ex mother in law waiting around the corner, on my only way out of the house, to bother me about something and not care if I am late to work or an appt.
- Fashion or sport? Fashion
- What can you hardly say no to (or whom)? My daughters and my bunny
- Sweet or sour or both? I am more a savoury girl.
- Red, white or bubbly? I prefer a good hearty red.
- Would you rather be the superhero or the sidekick? Superhero!
- What kind of superpower would you like to have? Healing
This has definitely been a part of my journey.
I absolutely know narcissists will never admit or face up to the harm they have caused. They can pretend, if they have to and can fool many in doing this, and it would only be for their own reasons/needs. Not for the victim. It is never genuine remorse.
I know and have seen this in play, all too often. Manipulation – and other people falling for it.
A classic non genuine narc apology “I’m sorry you got hurt”. Not….”I’m sorry I hurt you.” And during the 20 minutes prior to this apology, the issue to these narcs, was ‘only’ about their image and their distress at how ‘other people would know’, I was called ‘demonic’, and everything denied, minimized, excused, and narc rage shown. No concern for me, at all. All of which has been witnessed by others, who agreed, this is narcissistic behaviour.
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Narcissists are very good at persuasion techniques and ways to get you to trust them, in order to lure you in.
If you felt right away that they were not to be trusted then you would not have continued onto the next level of intimacy with them.
Some narcissists actively study and train to learn these techniques and others just naturally develop them. Since they do not have to learn to follow the moral and ethical practices that other people do, it leaves them more time for learning these techniques by trial and error.
Narcissists want to control people in order to extract narcissistic supply or to use them as sources for narcissistic supply in some way.
They can control you better if they learn about you. In order to learn about you they need you to reveal things about yourself to them.
You would not reveal personal things to someone like dreams, fears, and skeletons in your closet unless you felt like you could trust them with this intimate knowledge of you. They lure you into telling them about yourself by gaining your trust.
The ways in which they gain your trust are intentional and basically a kind of hypnosis.
There is something called Conversational Hypnosis, which is something that narcissists are good at. They have practice it over and over again and they have each developed their own special brand of brainwashing through hypnosis.
This video that I have shared with you is a class by David Snyder. He is a really excellent teacher of hypnosis and NLP hypnosis. He teaches hypnosis to people who are therapists and life coaches amongst other professions that want to be able to lead people to certain goals.
This type of hypnosis can be very helpful and add value to the lives of people, of the hypnotist has honest intentions and keeps the client safe. I have shared this video with you so that you can see that the techniques in this video are used by narcissists for malice.
If you have an opponent that is in a match with you and you do not understand the rules and techniques, but they do, this puts you at a great disadvantage. But once you understand the techniques that the narcissists use to lure you in, to get you to trust them and to believe the things they tell you, then you will be much harder to manipulate in the future.
I recommend that you watch this video and see how he uses the technique of pacing and leading.
David Snyder defines a “pace” as something in your present environment that the other person can verify as true. This means that the abuser will say things to you that you can validate as truth.
Once they give you enough truth then your brain begins to expect that the next thing they say will be true. Once the victim’s brain sees that the narcissist is saying true things then it lowers its defenses (filters) and begins to accept the things the narcissist says as true.
The next thing is called a “lead.” David Snyder defines a lead as something that you want the person to believe, to think, to say or to do.
So the narcissist will give you 4 or 5 paces and then 1 lead. Then they will give you 4 paces and 2 leads. More and more the paces can become less and the they can give you more suggestions that they want you to believe to be true.
Here is an example
“You are a single mother that has had to struggle with raising your kids on your own. You have had many obstacles in your life and you have overcome many things. Women have it hard when they have to work and also take care of their family. I really respect your resilience and I think you are to be commended. “
Do you see where this begins as true statements that you agree with and know to be true…and then…they tell you something that is not true but that they want you to believe? The “lead” that they want you to believe is that they have great respect for you and they think you deserve to be commended.
In this context of the hypnotic pattern of pacing and leading, their words seem to be true and you do not question them. If they had just started off by saying “I have great respect for you and I think you are to be commended…you would not be sure of that were true about how they felt about you.
During one conversation the narcissist can take you through this pattern of paces and leads many times. The more you begin to assume they are being transparent with you, the more you begin to trust them. The more you can validate the things they are saying are true, the more you will trust them.
The narcissist can use this same technique to get you to believe the false self is really them. They begin by giving you “paces” which you can verify are true. They can tell you about the business they own and then show you the link to the web site.
They can tell you that they specialize in a certain field and then demonstrate that they are knowledgeable in that field…or at least they can give you just enough that you believe they have proven that they are trained in that field.
Then once they have given you things about themselves that your brain can verify to its satisfaction to be true, then the narcissist can say something that you cannot verify but that your brain will accept as true.
This might be something about their personality that is not true such as …”I am a team player at work. I respect and listen to my employees”
Now you are seeing them as a person who respects their employees and someone that values people.
They might then give you some more paces and then tell you something like …”I am a loving kind of person. My employees feel like it is a family there. “
This of course is a complete lie since their employees actually fear and loath them. He controls and manipulates them and sucked the blood out of them while sadistically undermining and degrading them.
But when he says it to you using the Conversational Hypnosis techniques, it really seems to be true. You feel as though he was telling you the truth from the beginning of the conversation and from then on you believe the things he tells you without question.
Check out the video and have some fun with it. If you think of this as something new and fun to learn then I believe you will enjoy it. Instead of feeling bad about the games the narcissist played on you, learn the tactics they used so you can feel empowered.
Once you know the rules they are playing by then they can no longer confuse and manipulate you without your knowledge and consent. At least not with this pace and lead technique.