Narcissists speak lies on a regular basis. They intermix lies with the truth and reframe truth in ways that confuse your perception.
One of the ways narcissists lie has to do with time and and amount. This one is nearly impossible to detect unless you are aware of how they do this.
Let’s say the narcissist wants to give you the perception that they have been thinking of you a lot and making a great effort to get together with you….
Narcissist Version -I have been trying for three weeks to get ahold of you. You are very difficult to get ahold of.
Perception they want you to have – They have been trying hard to get ahold of you and there must be something wrong with your phone or email. You should feel guilty or at fault for not getting their messages
Truth- They did not think of you at all for the last few days ( or weeks) and left you three urgent sounding, annoyed messages within the last 24 hours that they cannot reach you.
Here is another example …
Narcissist – I am surprised you are spending Thanksgiving with us. This is the first one you have spent with us for many years
Perception they want you to have -You apparently have a bad memory of the last several years. Their account must be right. You should feel guilty for being selfish.
Truth – You have spent every single holiday with them, including Thanksgiving and Christmas for the last 7 years with the exception of last Thanksgiving that you spent with your grandmother , who had not seen you on a holiday in 7 years.
Here is one more for you…
Narcissist – I am always apologizing to you. You are attacking my self esteem. I should not have to apologize all the time. You always think you are in the right.
Perception they want you to have – You make them apologize often. You never apologize. You always point out when they do something you do not like.
Truth – You are always careful not to point out when they are wrong. You walk on egg shells around them so as not to upset them. They demand that you grovel at their feet when you make a tiny infraction of their rules, even if you had no possible way to comply or did not know they had changed the rules on you.
The narcissist uses these tactics to achieve a few things. The main one is to shame you and “put you in your place.”
They know that if they can make you feel bad for them or make you feel guilty, then they can manipulate you.
Emotional manipulation is one of the favorite tools of the narcissist. If they can force you into certain emotional states then they can control you.
Another reason they use these tactics is to play the victim. They do this to redirect your focus from the actual victim which is you.
As long as the narcissist can appear to be suffering from your maltreatment of them, they can deny any intentional abuse of you. After all…they are at the mercy of your bad behaviors…aren’t they?