Monthly Archives: March 2016

People Pleasers, Codependent People and Self Care

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GentleKindness

Many people that some from abusive backgrounds have forgotten or never learned how to love and care for themselves. What comes naturally to most people does not come naturally to everyone.

If you have a codependent personality, suffer from People Pleaser Syndrome, or just seem to keep ending up putting the needs of others over yours, even to the point of it causing you harm, then you probably never learned how to care for yourself well.

It probably puzzles you how other people seem to have it all together and you always feel behind. You feel like you are always the one who cannot do what other people can do.

One of the reasons for this could be that other people are spending a reasonable amount of time taking care of the things they need to take care of in order to be okay. They make sure that other people…

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What Belongs to the Narcissist?

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Vampire

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Things you drained from me…

My worth

My time

My love

My mind

My patience

My intellect

My passion

My common sense

My hope

My dreams

My tears

in streams

My fairness

My strength

My happiness

My pain

You sucked my soul

Like a vampire feeds

With no remorse

For your insidious deeds

The A – Z’s of Everyday Malignant Narcissists

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After Narcissistic Abuse

There’s so much written about Narcissistic Personality disorder and narcissism these days that it’s hard to sort through what we, as survivors of this abuse know to be true about malignant narcissism and how it impacts us.

Let’s re-examine what we’ve learned by having been abused by one or two of them.

A – Amoral. Narcissists are unscrupulous in their conduct towards others. More than merely disloyal and exploitative, they are the con men and women of the human race whose malicious behavior arises against anyone who gets in the way of getting what they want.

B – Boastful. Narcissists get their feelings of worth from outside sources of supply; other people. A narc will regale others, ad nauseum, with all the “blessings” in life which others are to infer comes from them being such “great people”: money, cars, homes, celebrity lifestyle, expensive vacations, worldly trips, admiration and compliments from others. They’re just not able…

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Vulnerability without Shame

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You can be compassionate and have great empathy for others, and still have strong personal boundaries. You deserve to have dignity and for others to treat you with respect.

Setting boundaries with people is not selfish. Loving yourself is not selfish. 

We have been conditioned to say “yes” to people, when they are insistent with us. This is especially true for people who come from emotional abuse. But the person who is insistent about things that make you uncomfortable is not being loving to you. 

Love those that are loving. Care for those who are capable of caring. I love Brene Brown and her work on vulnerability, shame and empathy. Sharing your strengths and your struggles with people is being vulnerable, and it can have a healing effect on others. But you have the right to have personal boundaries and you have the right to say NO to people about things. 

You do not have to provide people with reasons that they agree are valid. If someone discounts your reality, then they are not being loving. You do not have to serve their agenda. Save your energy for those who are loving. 

Brene Brown talks about the culture we live in which promotes shame for not being perfect enough, or for being the person that the media says we should be.