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Victim Blaming and Re-traumatizing Abuse Victims

Being in an intimate relationship with a psychpath awakens your reality to a darkness you never knew existed. You always knew that there were serial killers and rapists in the world, but you never knew they could be hidden behind a charming exterior.

You consented to being close to the person they presented themselves to be. But you never consented to being intimate with someone who carries darkness within them.

When you hear people say that you chose to be in a relationship with an abuser, it is confusing and re-traumatizing. They make their point by saying that you had free will and walked into the relationship with open eyes.

They do not understand the mind manipulatiin of a psychopath and how your reality was very different at the beginning of the relationship than it is now.

Not only do you have to come to terms with the cognitive dissonance of the two different realities…the person you thought you were sleeping with….and the person you were actually sleeping with……

You now have to listen to this other proposed reality that you went into the relationship with an abuser with open eyes and free choice.

Only two kinds of people would say this to you….Pathological narcissists….and very closed minded judgemental people who think they are better than you, because of course…it would never have happened to them!

The narcissists that post comments like this on the youtube blogs of survivors are sadistically gaslighting the victims. They are intentionally twisting your reality,  which they are fully aware has already been twisted by one of “their kind.”

Victim blaming is most often instigated by pathological narcissists. Other people may believe their lies because they are being manipulated by the narcissist. So the very people saying that no one can have their mind manipulated….are having their own minds manipulated….and their beliefs fed to them by a narcissist.


15 thoughts on “Victim Blaming and Re-traumatizing Abuse Victims”

  1. Brilliantly said. Yes, those who do challenge or state it isn’t possible to be brainwashed/gas lighted are either 1. Ignorant, 2. Covert perpetrators that want to have power over and are pissed off that they are being exposed. 3. Stupid. (Have they seen the state of the world?) which falls into the first category!

    Liked by 2 people

  2. It is quite arrogant of them to think they would never fall for a lie. Have they never bought a product based on appearance only to find it didn’t work the way they expected? Same thing, they were charmed by the packaging and sizzle words. Have they never been talked into buying an appetizer in a restaurant when they only intended on an entree? They were charmed by the waiter whose only intention was to control the sale he made in order to boost his tip. He knew they came in hungry and played upon their vulnerable state. In a very short period of time, people are swayed into buying what someone else is selling everyday. Now, they should think what they might buy into if someone was persistent for a longer period of time.

    Liked by 3 people

    1. This is a very good analogy because the narcissists is selling themselves to be something that they’re not. And like you said, they’re very persistent and practiced. Just like a salesperson, they know exactly what to say and do because they know what they’re “customer” wants. Good case in point.

      Liked by 1 person

      1. Sad that people live this way. But we need to watch out for them because it is at least 4 out of 100 people. And if you are emotionally bruised or mentally broken you will be a target.


  3. “Victim blaming” is so very real but there are still those out who dismiss that’s what they are doing. I would never want to bring pain and suffering on anybody but sometimes, I wish “they” could feel how it feels to be on our end.

    Liked by 2 people

    1. Thank you for sharing that. I understand what you mean. It is very difficult to hear the comments that sometimes appear about the victims asking for the abuse. I think most of the people that approach my youtube channel to write things like that are probably narcissists, because i do not understand why someone would look up videos on that topic, and then leave comments like that.
      I just deleted one yesterday.


  4. Thank you for this post. For years, I was ashamed that I had fell for a narcissist, except I didn’t know he was a narcissist at the time. Now, I can see that , with my background of emotional abuse, it was difficult for me to see the signs. Today, is a different story.


    1. Yes there was no way you could have identified anything wrong with them. There is a desensitization of personality disordered people, when you grew up with them.
      And they can be so charming at first that you get swept up in the emotions and the hope that someone finally sees you for who you are.

      Narcissists who are high on the spectrum ( psychopaths) tend to know how to use conversational hypnosis and how to repeat your own key words and phrases back to you.

      These two techniques are very powerful at over-riding your critical faculties. You probably did not ever have a chance to recognize that they were dishonest.

      You do not have to feel any shame about being lured in by them. If anyone should feel shame, it is the exploiter. You were just trying to still have faith in humanity, even after growing up the wsy you did. And they took advantage of your good nature.

      Good that you know the early red flags now🎀💕🌸


  5. Such an important post and this can not be stressed enough. People who were in a narcissistic relationship and being manipulated do not need anymore blam or questioning from other people. We already got all the blame from the narcissist, that was enough for a lifetime! Thanks for sharing this. Hugs.


  6. What about the natcisdist himself continuing to retraumatize the victim long after the divorce. In my case he uses my 3 children as his “flying monkeys”!! How do i handle this 11 yrs after my divorce?


    1. I have had many clients in this situation. The adult children turn against them…disbelieve them about the father being abusive…sarcastic…rolling their eyes….minimizing the PTSD of the mother….re-traumatizing the mother by disbelieving her….blaming her for the abuse.

      Some children are brainwashed by the narcissist parent. Others are narcissists now themselves.

      I work with my clients by listening and validating their reality. Help them work through the narrative of what actually happened.

      Look at the characteristics and behaviors of the adult children. Guide them to try to establish boundaries with the adult children. If they will not respect the boundaries then No Contact can often be the way to protect yourself and regain your mental health.

      Recover from PTSD is inhibited by continuing to be mentally abused and having your reality messed with.

      I am currently offering a special pricing of 2 sessions for 25 dollars…with email support in between. Sessions are usually and hour and a half….sometimes two hours depending on how much the client needs to get out.

      You can email me or you can contact me through the gentlekindness coaching web site contact page. If you want to email me directly , let me know and I will give you my personal email.

      Much love,
      Annie -gentlekindness coaching


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