narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Why are Covert Abusers so Dangerous ?


image from Pexels


What is a covert abuser, and why can they be potentially more dangerous than an overt type?

Based on my personal experiences with abusive people, as well as hearing the stories of over 100 clients, I think that people can incur great levels of psychological damage from covert abusers.

Covert types of abusers are more difficult to identify and mentally label as abusers. When I say to “mentally label” them, I mean for the victim to believe in their own minds that this person is an abuser.

The partners and family members of these covert types have a much more difficult time accepting that the person is intentionally harmful and manipulative. The victims tend to rationalize this type of abuser’s behavior, even after they have recognized the behavior itself as abusive.

The victims of these covert types of abusers tend to go back to them, out of guilt, concern and worry over them. They tend to go in and out of their belief that this partner or family member has a personality disorder that is harmful to those around them.

Partners of these types of abusers will have clarity one day, about the behavior of the abuser being intentional. The next day, they will question whether or not the abusive partner is aware of how their behavior is affecting others, or if they are even aware that their behavior is abnormal at all.

Covert abusers are very good at getting their partner or family member to see them as a victim.  They are skilled con artists that are good at using people’s good nature against them.

These types of abusers are pathological liars, just like other abusive, personally disordered people are. They are just as good at lying as the other cluster B personality disorders, if not more so.

As a victim of a covert abuser, you will question your own perception of reality, in relation to the abuser. You will question your own perception and interpretation of events. This will eventually carry over into other areas of your life, and create confusion and brain fog, as you lose your sense of being grounded in reality.

You will lose your confidence in your good judgement and your intuition. The alarms can be going off in your head and in your body about something, but you wont feel as in – touch with those alarms. You won’t trust your own natural alarm system, that is designed to keep you safe.

This is by design of the covert narcissist or sociopath you are entangled with.

The covert abuser will get you to distrust your own brain, body and nervous system. Your body can be screaming at you that something is very wrong, while the abuser is telling you that you are prone to overreacting.

The covert abuser will label and describe your feelings, thoughts and reactions as crazy, unbalanced, selfish or “too sensitive.”

One of the red flags you can look for , that let’s you know that  you are in a dangerous relationship, is when you find yourself continually thinking more about how that person feels, as a priority over how you feel.

You find yourself ruminating and trying to figure out their behavior.  Your thoughts become caught up in what that person might be thinking and feeling. Your decisions become based more on how you think that person will feel and react, than on how you think and feel yourself.

You will feel obligated to cater to this person, but you won’t always recognize that the covert abuser is doing things to cause you to feel this way.

You will feel like something is mentally wrong with you, but you won’t always recognize that this person is doing and  things to make you believe that.

You won’t see how or why the abuser would try to psychologically harm you. In your mind you will rationalize that it would be like sabotaging themselves if they were to disable you.

Why would they harm you, if they need you to be functional, to help them?

At this point you have been pulled down into the sociopath rabbit hole. Your core beliefs about them, and what they may or may not need you for, are being controlled by them. You begin to make your decisions based on false beliefs, that the covert abuser has convinced you are true.



Depression and the brain – early losses and trauma. — Food.for.Thoughts

Certain events can have a long lasting physical as emotional consequences. Early losses and emotional trauma may leave you more prone to depression later in life. Profound early losses like the death of a loved one or the withdrawal of a loved one’s affection may resonate throughout life and express itself in a […]

via Depression and the brain – early losses and trauma. — Food.for.Thoughts


Are You the Scapegoat in Your Family?



image from Pinterest – linkhere

If you are the scapegoat in your family, then you are the one that gets the most blame for things. They consider you the “difficult”  family member…usually you are the one who will not get with the program. 

Narcissists like to create their own narrative of the family, including assigning roles to each family member, and creating a cover story of how the family interactions are normal. Someone has to be blamed in this kind of family. 

It is a given that the narcissist gets special treatment in the family, and the family members are trained to go along with this. Everyone knows there are consequences and punishments for not complying with what the narcissist wants. 

The narcissist never takes any blame for things, and they might have made portrayed you as mentally disturbed, or defiant to outsiders of the family. The narcissist, of…

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abuse, toxic people

Face in the Dirt

If you have experienced severe, ongoing abuse, at the hands of a cluster b personality, then you know what I mean when I say your face was shoved into the dirt over and over again. Everytime you tried to get up, and restart, they knocked you down and shoved your nose and mouth and eyes right back into the filth again. You were choking on it, and getting more and more exhausted each time you tried to get up again.

Eventually, after so many repetitions of the process, part of you has the thought of “why don’t I just keep myself down here? What is the point?”

Getting to that place of “What is the point?” is devastating  it leads to despair and feeling worthless. After all, what is the point of living, if we are just here to be crushed underneath a cruel punisher’s foot ?

Life has to have some meaning beyond mere survival, and making though the day physically alive but mentally broken. Humans need meaning, connection and a feeling of purpose in the world. You need to feel like something you are doing counts for something.

The narcissist or psychopath partner or family member wants to crush that out of you. The most severe of abusers, will try to destroy your will to live, or rewire your brain to become a slave to them.

These abusers are dark imdividuals who are sadistic, as well as controlling and entitled. They have malice toward you, and not just a machiavellian method of living. That is to say, they not only will hurt you if it happens to be a side effect of them barrelling through life to take what they want, but they will also hurt you just to hurt you, even when they have no other goal in mind. It is more than just disregarding other people. Narcissists and sociopaths think about ways to hurt you.

One of the worst parts of being a victim of this level of darkness, is the darkness itself . It is the very knowledge that this level of cruelty can be disguised within someone’s mask of being your friend. It is the knowledge that someone could get you to confide your inner most thiughts to them, while they are planning ways to use that infiormation to destroy you.

It is the fact that someone pushed your face into the dirt, over and over again, while they smirked out of the side of their curled lip. Even the thought that someone would have nothing they would rather be doing that posing as someone who cares deeply for you, so they can get to the most vulnerable parts of you.

They play the game of life and love, for maximum damage of you, the one that cared for them, and offered humanity to them.

After it is all said and done, you see them with their current supporters and admirers. They are in their place, as the king or queen of the circle. You are shoved out, discarded, and mocked.

Once you are out, it would seem to other people that you should be able to become unstuck and to move forward. However , there is often a lot of damage that was caused by that repeated crushing and grinding of your face in the dirt.

You had to survive and your brain had to adapt. Some of the adaptations it made, were designed to prevent you from triggering the narcissist into feeling the urge to knock you down, and shove you into the dirt again. These adaptations of your behavior, and your thoughts, carry with you, long after you have left the abuser, or the abuser has left  .

For those of you trying to manage ‘low contact’ with your abuser, well……that can be toxic and I’m not sure if it’s any safer than second hand smoke on a regular, ongoing basis . It has the appearance of being less harmful than actually smoking, and yet there is still a high illness and death toll.

We will begin to address these things, and ways to re-train the brain, to reswt it for making decisions in our favor. Too many years, decades in servatude of the narcissist will do some damage.

But the brain has plasticity. Our spirits have resilience. Our hearts have a spark of love and hope.




But Why ?

But why are they like this?

Why do I attract them?

Why can’t they accept my love?

Why don’t they feel bad?

How could they?

How do they sleep at night?

Why do they mislead you?

Why can’t they love me?

Why do they lie about everything?

Why did they choose me?

Why don’t they return my texts?

Why did they show up after so long, acting like nothing happened?

What did I do to deserve this?

How did I end up with another one?

Why do I miss them?

Will they be okay without me?

Why do they keep changing what they want?

Why do they do things that are bad for them too?

How does their behavior make any sense?

How can I recover what I’ve lost?

How can I compete in the world next to normal people?

Why does the whole world seem dark now?

Why do I not even want to see good in the world anymore?

How do I move on?

What the hell were they thinking ?

Why would he leave me for her?

Why would he choose them over me?

Why do I miss them?

Why can’t I get them out of my head?

How could he terrorize me on purpose?

Why did they leave me with nothing to live on?

How do other people not see through their lies?

Why do people treat me like I’m the problem ?

What did he /she tell them about me?

Why don’t they hear me out?

How did I get here?

Why don’t I believe in my dreams anymore?

Why can’t I see a livable future ?

Why do I get so confused?

Why do I dream of them?

Why do I miss them?

Why don’t they value the history we had together?

How can they just throw it all away?

Why won’t they tell me why?

Why won’t they explain themselves ?

Why aren’t they sorry?

Why don’t they care anymore?

How can they just ignore me?

How could they turn on me?

Why would they sabatage me?

Why can’t I stop thinking about what they did?

How could they?

Didn’t it mean anything to them?

Don’t they remember what we’ve been through together?

How can they behave this way?

How do they sleep at night?

Did I see a smirk?

Did they turn their back, to hide a smile?

How is my pain what they were after?

How could they have been faking their feelings ?

What about those times they were emotional?

How could they do such monstrous things?

Are they setting her/him up too?

Why do they look happier with her/him?

Why did their look change?

Why did their interests change?

How can they be so cold?

How could they be so callous?

Is nothing meaningful to them?

Was I completely meaningless to them?

What the fuck?


This list of questions, are all things that I have heard over and over from my clients.

These are the questions that roll around in people’s heads, keeping them awake at night.

The after-effects of a close relationship with a sociopath /psychopath, draw you into your head in a way that feels like there is no way out.


Will the questions be answered?

Will it help if they ever are?

Why do these people exist?

Why do they look jist like everyone else?

How can I know it won’t happen to me again?

What do I keep doing wrong?

How do I fix what they broke?


We will explore these questions and more, in this blog.

Some questions have logical answers , although the answers aren’t what you think.

Some questions have answers , but you might not want to hear the answer or be reasy for the truth yet. Or you just might surprise your self, and fibd that the truth helps you to develop of better, more accurate mawp of reality ; one that will serve you better.

Some of the questions have very dark realoties , as parr of their answer.

Others will point you in a direction of finding the possibility of light again.

Some questions are not really answerable , with a ‘one response fits all’ kind of response . It depends on what perspective will support you the best.

Some answers will change over time for you.

In some cases, with certain questions, partial answer can serve you for the time being , and a more complete answers will be able to be accepted later on.

Some questions need the cooperation of your own perception of reality to fill in what answer serves you best.

And even those can change , as you continue to allow your map of the territory to grow and expand.

The abuser leaves you locked up in the darkness.

At the same time , your mind longs to expand onto a greater consciousness.

Enjoy our journey together, into the depths of the darkness, to connect with a new kind of light


Are you Dating a Psychopath, Narcissist or Sociopath ?

Are you in a relationship with a toxic person ?
Well, if you found your way to this post, that is the first indicator.

If you are wondering what is wrong with this person, because they just seem off and you can feel that some kind of deception is going on, then you are probably right.

There are certain kinds of behaviors that ring the alarm bells in your mind. Your subconscious is there to protect you from harm. It sends signals to your nervous system to warn you of threat and possible danger.

Ignoring those feelings in your gut, is not a good idea. But you are not ignoring them. You are searching for answers.

A personality disordered person is toxic. That means thet are like a poison that will slowly make you sick, and then sicker, one drop at a time.

The sooner you get away from them, the less ling term damage they will do.
Although, do not confront a disordered person with facts and demand that they address them with you.
And most importantly, do not give them ultimatums or make them feel that you are threatening to leave them.
Do not threaten to expose them for what they are either.

These are things that can trigger their narcissistic rage, and this person may become violent, even if you have never seen violence from them yet.
Or if you have experienced some level of physical aggression from them, if they feel you are threatening them with leaving or exposing them, they may become more violent than you imagine they would.

So, leave but leave with great care. There is a quote from Alan Watts, the philosopher, that goes ,
” If you are going to try to trick the devil, it’s terribly important that you don’t give him prior notice.”

Live and breath by those words, when you are dealing with narcissists, a psychopath or a sociopath.

Which kind of disordered person are you with?
It doesn’t ultimately matter.
If they are deceptive, dishonest, have no conscience , no empathy, are manipulative exploit others for their own gain, and gaslight you, then you need to disengage safely from them.

They are con artists, and liars. These people intentionally hide who and what they really are. They keep their dark heaet under wraps, because they know you would have run right away, had you seen them for who they are inside.

So they mirror you, your persnskoty qualities, your interests, and your life goals and values. They play that they are a great match for you.
They can quickly convince you that they are your soul mate.

You will find that your life and your schedule quickly becomes changed, to revolving around the person.
You will feel obligated to acommodate them and their needs twenty four hours a day, 7 days a weak.

You will feel like the queen of the narcissist’s world for a period of time. You gladly give up things you normally do, or would rather do, in order to be available for the narcissist.

You might find that you are becoming sleep deprived. It won’t seem like the person is intentionally sleep depriving you, but they are.

You will find that your schedule is no longe4 fully in your control, even down to little details.
You might notice that you are questioning your own beliefs and your perception of people in your life.

Your way of seeing reality, and processing information is slowly being turned over to the partner.

You have a creepy, uneasy feelimg in your gut, that something isn’t right, but you can’t put your finger on it.

Mutual peoole that you and the narcissist knows, begin to agree with the narcissist over you. You might feel ganged up against by the narcissist and his family or his friends.
It might be people you see in person, or he might relay the opinions of these other people to you.

Your own people, that the narcissist did not know before he met you, may creepily begin to side with the narcissist about you and your “problematic behavior.”

People begin to treat you and talk to you with less respect, and point out your bad behavior towards the narcissist , since they are “such a great guy or gal”.

The narcissist begins to imply that you have mental
health problems, or issues seeing reality and remembering facts correctly.

This is How they take control over your confidence in your ability to see and perceive things properly.

Others may join in about your “difficult behavior” , your “abuse of the narcissist” or your “emotional imbalance.”

The predator is now trying to create mental issues within you . They are trying to cause you to question your ability to know how mentally balanced you are, and what is normal vs. what is abnormal

They know that you will recognize their behavior as abnormal, because they know that they cannot maintain their normal facade forever.

But if they attack the core of your mind, and make you question your ability to know what normal is….then they can gaslight you and make you wonder if maybe the problem is with you and not them.

The longer you are exposed to the gaslighting, sleep deprivation, and abuse, the deeper into your head they will get.
And you do not want them in your head.

You have begun to question the behavior of the narcissist. As you continue to learn by reading and watching my youtube videos, you will find that there are more “light bulb ” moments to come.

This is a process. It takes time. You have to untangle your mind and trust your instincts about people.

Love and light on your journey !