Uncategorized

But Why ?

But why are they like this?

Why do I attract them?

Why can’t they accept my love?

Why don’t they feel bad?

How could they?

How do they sleep at night?

Why do they mislead you?

Why can’t they love me?

Why do they lie about everything?

Why did they choose me?

Why don’t they return my texts?

Why did they show up after so long, acting like nothing happened?

What did I do to deserve this?

How did I end up with another one?

Why do I miss them?

Will they be okay without me?

Why do they keep changing what they want?

Why do they do things that are bad for them too?

How does their behavior make any sense?

How can I recover what I’ve lost?

How can I compete in the world next to normal people?

Why does the whole world seem dark now?

Why do I not even want to see good in the world anymore?

How do I move on?

What the hell were they thinking ?

Why would he leave me for her?

Why would he choose them over me?

Why do I miss them?

Why can’t I get them out of my head?

How could he terrorize me on purpose?

Why did they leave me with nothing to live on?

How do other people not see through their lies?

Why do people treat me like I’m the problem ?

What did he /she tell them about me?

Why don’t they hear me out?

How did I get here?

Why don’t I believe in my dreams anymore?

Why can’t I see a livable future ?

Why do I get so confused?

Why do I dream of them?

Why do I miss them?

Why don’t they value the history we had together?

How can they just throw it all away?

Why won’t they tell me why?

Why won’t they explain themselves ?

Why aren’t they sorry?

Why don’t they care anymore?

How can they just ignore me?

How could they turn on me?

Why would they sabatage me?

Why can’t I stop thinking about what they did?

How could they?

Didn’t it mean anything to them?

Don’t they remember what we’ve been through together?

How can they behave this way?

How do they sleep at night?

Did I see a smirk?

Did they turn their back, to hide a smile?

How is my pain what they were after?

How could they have been faking their feelings ?

What about those times they were emotional?

How could they do such monstrous things?

Are they setting her/him up too?

Why do they look happier with her/him?

Why did their look change?

Why did their interests change?

How can they be so cold?

How could they be so callous?

Is nothing meaningful to them?

Was I completely meaningless to them?

What the fuck?

…..

This list of questions, are all things that I have heard over and over from my clients.

These are the questions that roll around in people’s heads, keeping them awake at night.

The after-effects of a close relationship with a sociopath /psychopath, draw you into your head in a way that feels like there is no way out.

….

Will the questions be answered?

Will it help if they ever are?

Why do these people exist?

Why do they look jist like everyone else?

How can I know it won’t happen to me again?

What do I keep doing wrong?

How do I fix what they broke?

…….

We will explore these questions and more, in this blog.

Some questions have logical answers , although the answers aren’t what you think.

Some questions have answers , but you might not want to hear the answer or be reasy for the truth yet. Or you just might surprise your self, and fibd that the truth helps you to develop of better, more accurate mawp of reality ; one that will serve you better.

Some of the questions have very dark realoties , as parr of their answer.

Others will point you in a direction of finding the possibility of light again.

Some questions are not really answerable , with a ‘one response fits all’ kind of response . It depends on what perspective will support you the best.

Some answers will change over time for you.

In some cases, with certain questions, partial answer can serve you for the time being , and a more complete answers will be able to be accepted later on.

Some questions need the cooperation of your own perception of reality to fill in what answer serves you best.

And even those can change , as you continue to allow your map of the territory to grow and expand.

The abuser leaves you locked up in the darkness.

At the same time , your mind longs to expand onto a greater consciousness.

Enjoy our journey together, into the depths of the darkness, to connect with a new kind of light

Advertisements
Uncategorized

Are you Dating a Psychopath, Narcissist or Sociopath ?

Are you in a relationship with a toxic person ?
Well, if you found your way to this post, that is the first indicator.

If you are wondering what is wrong with this person, because they just seem off and you can feel that some kind of deception is going on, then you are probably right.

There are certain kinds of behaviors that ring the alarm bells in your mind. Your subconscious is there to protect you from harm. It sends signals to your nervous system to warn you of threat and possible danger.

Ignoring those feelings in your gut, is not a good idea. But you are not ignoring them. You are searching for answers.

A personality disordered person is toxic. That means thet are like a poison that will slowly make you sick, and then sicker, one drop at a time.

The sooner you get away from them, the less ling term damage they will do.
Although, do not confront a disordered person with facts and demand that they address them with you.
And most importantly, do not give them ultimatums or make them feel that you are threatening to leave them.
Do not threaten to expose them for what they are either.

These are things that can trigger their narcissistic rage, and this person may become violent, even if you have never seen violence from them yet.
Or if you have experienced some level of physical aggression from them, if they feel you are threatening them with leaving or exposing them, they may become more violent than you imagine they would.

So, leave but leave with great care. There is a quote from Alan Watts, the philosopher, that goes ,
” If you are going to try to trick the devil, it’s terribly important that you don’t give him prior notice.”

Live and breath by those words, when you are dealing with narcissists, a psychopath or a sociopath.

Which kind of disordered person are you with?
It doesn’t ultimately matter.
If they are deceptive, dishonest, have no conscience , no empathy, are manipulative exploit others for their own gain, and gaslight you, then you need to disengage safely from them.

They are con artists, and liars. These people intentionally hide who and what they really are. They keep their dark heaet under wraps, because they know you would have run right away, had you seen them for who they are inside.

So they mirror you, your persnskoty qualities, your interests, and your life goals and values. They play that they are a great match for you.
They can quickly convince you that they are your soul mate.

You will find that your life and your schedule quickly becomes changed, to revolving around the person.
You will feel obligated to acommodate them and their needs twenty four hours a day, 7 days a weak.

You will feel like the queen of the narcissist’s world for a period of time. You gladly give up things you normally do, or would rather do, in order to be available for the narcissist.

You might find that you are becoming sleep deprived. It won’t seem like the person is intentionally sleep depriving you, but they are.

You will find that your schedule is no longe4 fully in your control, even down to little details.
You might notice that you are questioning your own beliefs and your perception of people in your life.

Your way of seeing reality, and processing information is slowly being turned over to the partner.

You have a creepy, uneasy feelimg in your gut, that something isn’t right, but you can’t put your finger on it.

Mutual peoole that you and the narcissist knows, begin to agree with the narcissist over you. You might feel ganged up against by the narcissist and his family or his friends.
It might be people you see in person, or he might relay the opinions of these other people to you.

Your own people, that the narcissist did not know before he met you, may creepily begin to side with the narcissist about you and your “problematic behavior.”

People begin to treat you and talk to you with less respect, and point out your bad behavior towards the narcissist , since they are “such a great guy or gal”.

The narcissist begins to imply that you have mental
health problems, or issues seeing reality and remembering facts correctly.

This is How they take control over your confidence in your ability to see and perceive things properly.

Others may join in about your “difficult behavior” , your “abuse of the narcissist” or your “emotional imbalance.”

The predator is now trying to create mental issues within you . They are trying to cause you to question your ability to know how mentally balanced you are, and what is normal vs. what is abnormal

They know that you will recognize their behavior as abnormal, because they know that they cannot maintain their normal facade forever.

But if they attack the core of your mind, and make you question your ability to know what normal is….then they can gaslight you and make you wonder if maybe the problem is with you and not them.

The longer you are exposed to the gaslighting, sleep deprivation, and abuse, the deeper into your head they will get.
And you do not want them in your head.

You have begun to question the behavior of the narcissist. As you continue to learn by reading and watching my youtube videos, you will find that there are more “light bulb ” moments to come.

This is a process. It takes time. You have to untangle your mind and trust your instincts about people.

Love and light on your journey !
Annie
Www.Gentlekindnesscoaching.com

abusive relationships, emotional abuse, gaslighting, narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Why You Can Never Please the Narcissist

Check out my new video on YouTube about why you can never please the narcissist. They have another agenda entirely. They would rather make rules that you can’t follow, and have expectations that you can’t possibly meet, that to have an actual happy, healthy relationship with you.

 

abuse, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, domestic abuse, gaslighting, narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Moving Forward After Abuse and Gaslighting

Getting on with your life after existing in a day to day, ongoing altered reality, can be extremely challenging. Narcissists and other abusers influence the way you perceive yourself and the world around you .

Their goal is to control your perceptions, your feelings and your thinking process. This conditioning is a kind of brainwashing and uses similar techniques that cults use to control their flock.

Isolation from others that would support you, and give you a different frame of reality than the narcissiat wants you to have, is a go-to technique used by most abusers. It may not be obvious to you that they were doing it, or are doing this to you.

You may notice that you are unable to spend time with your friends or that you no longer have access to people that would spend time with you. The abuser finds ways to prevent you from inviting people to the house or interacting with them socially outside of the house .

Abusers are often jealous, envious, disruptive of your relationships. They create drama and chaos, in order to cause dissention, and discomfort to you and to others that would otherwise help you.

They may tell you they feel threatened by your friends or that you should not trust certain people.

Sleep deprivation is another go-to technique of abusers, to control you. When you are sleep deprived, you don’t think as clearly, and you don’t have the energy needed to combat the gaslighting and other mind control tactics that are being used on you.

You may not notice that they are intentionally sleep depriving you. There are a variety of ways they can do this and be unaccountable for it .

Gaslighting is often difficult to recognize and it is extremely dangerous psychologically to your mental clarity and mental well – being.

It can be out and out lying about things that have happened, or extremely subtle with no words at all. Conflicting realities can be presented with body language, and non – verbal expressions, or by lack of response when there should normally be a response.

You will start to feel like your ability to understand what is going on , has been altered. You might feel like your memory is not as good as you think it is.

The narcissist will mirror something back to you that does not seem like an accurate version of who you are, what your values are, or what your real personality is. You might feel like they seem to be perceiving you as a completely different person than who you believed you were.

This is because they want you to be confused. They want to break down your self esteem and your sense of who you are.

It is psychologically dangerous. Many of my clients experience depression, panic attacks, generalized anxiety disorder, and even  suicidal ideations, after long term, on-going gaslighting.

To not be able to hold onto a reality about your own identity is terrifying. The constant interferance with your perception of reality leaves long term effects after you are no longer in the relationship.

If you are still in a relationship with, or have contact with the abuser that was gaslighting you, please be aware that it takes resilience and constant re-orienting yourself back into reality as you know it is.

The longer you are in a gaslighting situation, the more difficult it can be to re-wire your brain and to reduce the panic attacks.

Anytime something is associated with the gaslighting that your abuser did to you, it will cause an emotional flashback to how it felt at the time. Your fight or flight mode will kick in, because your brain recognizes it as a threat to you.

You will run into narcissists sometimes in your day to day life. You don’t have to be in a relationship with them, for something they say to trigger you. It happens to many people  who have been in abusive relationships. Try to limit the length of the interaction and amount of contact you have with anyone who does things that reminds you of the gaslighting that you went through in the abusive relationship.

Abusive relationships can be marriages, romatic or sexual partners, family, friends you lived with, or anyone who targeted your mind with cruel or malicious intentions.

All abusers do not appear to be disordered to others. Many of them appear to be good – hearted people or pillars of the community. They are pastors, therapists, social workers,l doctors , and lots of other roles where they can gain the trust of others.

They do not want to be exposed for who they really are, and that they have no real empathy for others. Posing as a humanitarian, an intellectual, a church member, an honest business man or woman, etc. gives them the cover story that they need. It creates a narrative for who they want people to think they are.

Once you have this realization that this person you trusted, was actually scheming against you, it can be a shock.

Even more so, can be the shock of the realization that there are a percentage of people walking among us, that look and seem like everyone else, but they are manipulators that sadistically target people with the intention of destroying them.

The recovery from on-going abuse is a process. You can get your proper perception back about who you really are. You can gradually reduce the emotional flashbacks, and navigate your life in a positive direction.

It takes time to get back on the right path for you. For many people, it takes re-wiring beliefs in your subconscious that go back to your childhood .

You are an independent, soveriegn individual person, with a unique set of gifts, skills and possibilities.

No one has the right to try to mislead or diminish your life. You have the right to mental clarity and to see things for what they are.

Recovery from gaslighting, verbal abuse, and on-going abuse from a psychopath, a narcissist or a narcissistic borderline takes a while.

It is an on-going, day to day process. Your brain will fall back into the narcissists reality because you were conditioned to be in that reality. It is familiar and what is familiar can seem safer to your brain.

But new realities are out there. New ways of perceiving yourself and your place in the world are possible for you.

Never give up on yourself . If you were not special, and if you did not have significant value, then the narcissist would not have bothered targeting you.

They are looking to take something away from their targets. They want to crush out the light that you have, so you cannot share that light with the world.

Namaste,

Annie – gentlekindnesscoaching.com

abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Thriving Amongst Predators

Predators like narcissists, and sociopaths / psychopaths are a percentage of the population.

At least 10 percent of the population is toxic and psychologically dangerous to be close to, ad far as I can tell.

While there are beautiful, creative, kind people in every culture, there are also predators in every culture

It is not something new. They go back as far as history does.

You see them described in Greek mythology and mythology from other cultures. There are stories about them in the bible, going back to Genesis .

So yes, we have to survive, or hopefully thrive, amongst predators and personality disordered individuals .

For some reason, it is part of living in this reality on this earth.

Many speculate as to why there is suffering in the world.  While not all suffering is due to psychopaths and narcissists, a lot more of it is than people credit to them.

The question as to why is just that. It’s a question that is beyond us to really know.

The priority to me, as q life coach of abuse victims, is to support people to be able to live, create, find joy, and connect with humanity in a way that makes life worth living.

The will to live is often precarious, after years of being attacked by these kinds of dark workers.

I refer to them as dark workers, because they are the opposite of light workers who are people who care about the better side to humanity and try to bring that light to othets

So many victims of cruelty by these toxic individuals are nearly at their end of having the will to go on. The narcissists try to remove any beauty from your life.

They give the illusion of hope to the victim, only to crush it under their feet

They would have you believe that they can’t help their behavior because they were once abused themselves.

The evidence is clearly against this being true, since so many people go through horrors at the hands of these predators and have not turned evil.

Abuse does not turn people evil. Abusers just want you to think they can blame someone else for their lack of humanity.

But man’s inhumanity to man goes way back. It goes back as far as history goes. Man’s inhumanity to man does not describe most people.

It does not describe mos5 abused people. It only describes the dark ones who inflict cruelty on others for their own gain and personal sadistic enjoyment.

Your narrative may have been influenced by one or more cruel indivuduals.

You may have been mislead by someone with no capacity to love and show compassion, that you are solely responsible for the way your narrative turned out.

But every time you had to respond to attacks and danger from a predator, you made the best choice you were able to make at the time. Your choices and decisions were based on what was happening, and  who you needed to protect.

Do not attach your identity to the narrative of a life that was interfered witg by one or more cruel, abusive people. They chose to put you into situations, whete there was no good choive. There were just efforts to avoid the lesser of the eviks that a predator was about to dish out to you, or to someone you were trying to protect from more harm.

The less importance you give to that narrative that was your life up until this point, the better you can detach from the narcissist.

All the parts that were written by, or interfered with by a psychopath or a narcissist, are their writing. They wrote those sections of a play that you never consented to being in.

Your narrative is the one you would have created if you had not been spending your time putting fires out all over the place, that some sadistic person was setting.

The way you would like your life to be matters. It says much more about you than the narrative that you have lived up until this point .

Don’t see yourself with eyes of shame, based on things the narcissists fed to you.

Don’t believe the lies you have been told by the people who  wanted you to suffer, fail and blame yourself.

These predators have no accountability. They want to blame everyone but themselves for their ridiculous behavior.

Believe in the person within you that would have created an entirely different story. Drink that story in.

You are the one who believes what you know is beauty, and what you know is truth deep down inside.

Let your logic and critical thinking guide you, as you make decisions and take action to make things better for yourself and those who deserve a beautiful life

Listen to your intuitiom about the people you meet, and the things they say. Don’t be conned by the con artists that want to make you feel like there is something wrong with you for knowing to question their intentions.

If someone has alterior motives, questionable intentions or contempt for you, then they deserve to be distrusted by you.

No matter how they manipulate your thoughts around, you do not have to feel guilt or shame for wanting to survive, avoid pain, or to create a beautiful life.

You are not responsible for someone else’s behavior. You are not obligated or responsible to make allowances for another person’s character flaws to your own detriment, or to the detriment of your children.

The predators have no more of a right to survive and live well than you do. They may feel entitled to things that you have or things you do not have, but that is their problem. It does not have to be your problem.

You will be in a better position to offer your gifts to others, when not being destablized by cruel, abusive manipulators

Reserve your love, acceptance and generosity for those people that have compassion, kindness and creativity.

Narcissists and psychopaths / sociopaths are mimics. They imitate normal emotion and they are practiced con artists.

You do not have to disclose your thoughts, feelings or ideas to eveeyone who asks you questions, or pretends to care .

You can take your ability to create your life back. Your right to create your own path never went away.

Remember that abusers, con artists, covert narcissist, and  victim – playing predators are grandios in their thoughts about themselves.

They have contempt and envy of you. It is their problem and you cannot fix them.

They choose who they are each and every day.

They don’t have the right to choose who you are, or tell you that they know you better than you know yourself .

You can create your own narrative, both past and present . Your story is what you believed, in regards to beauty, love, creativity and humanity.

Doing the dance with a predator can feel like it contaminates you.

But your mind is highly more intelligent in regards to being a creator, rather than a destroyer.

Your story is not the one that your abusers told you. Even your memories are affected heavily by the gaslighting and the lies they told you.

It’s impossible to actually remember any events exactly the way they were. So if someone has made you feel shame about situations where you were trying to survive abuse, then the chances are the truth is lost in translation anyway.

Your story is you and your humanity. Your story is about the person who still offered kindness to others and struggled to believe in humanity in the midst of being in close personal proximity to a dark worker

Their dark work will go on most especially because they are always twisting the truth, changing the facts and even their own narrative.

Let it be. Protect yourself and your loved ones who have true compassion for others.

Be the light for your own path. The narrative that makes you feel like a failure, or inadequate is lies and gaslighting.

It is something imposed upon you by dark manipulators that had an alterior agenda than it seemed .

Live life creatively. Use your critical thinking. Listen to your intuition.

And most importantly, believe in yourself

Not the self of someone else’s narrarive of you.

The real person that you are. The one that had an entirely different narrative of their life in mind.

Hold onto that narrative as the one that represents you.

 

 

 

 

abuse, abusive relationships, domestic abuse, narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Overcoming an Abusive Relationship

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse is probably not an exactly accurate term. There’s not exactly a finish line or a point that you can say, “There! I did it! I recovered…..I was sick before. But now…well, now I am completely well again.”

The first problem with that is you weren’t completely well to begin with. If you had been, then you would not have been taken in by a predator.

Predators seek out the  wounded and vulnerable. They seek out minds that are conditioned to be affected and persuaded by them.

There is a healing process that takes a long time. It’s an up and down process, kind of like going up three stairs and then down one. …then up four and down one.

Don’t worry about the back stepping, or what seems to you is going backwards. It’s part of the recovery process and every client I’ve worked with has described something similar to that experience during their healing process.

As you move up slowly out of the muck,  the mud, and the dark pit of sorrow the narcissist left you in, you will find that there are many things to learn. Your progress will feel like it’s going upward sometimes, and forward some times, and backward or downward at other times.

It is the nature of the aftermath of this kind of a predator. The pain after realizing that the person you trusted was completely untrustworthy the entire time you were with them, is extreme.

You will feel deeply betrayed,  because they got you to share your deepest , most personal thoughts with them.

It is like the bible quote “do not give your pearls to the swine (pigs).”

But you did. You gave your best pearls and treasured inner emotions and thoughts to the pigs.

It wasn’t your fault. You were conned. You were manipulated by an abusive, dark person that is a good actor.

You wanted to believe they were for real. You needed to believe they were for real.

Because of this need, you overlooked signs that you might have otherwise noticed.

You rationalized their inappropriate behaviors. You made excuses for things they did, and told your self that this person was just diffetent…intense…broken…in pain.

They told you that they had never met anyone like you. ..They said you were special.

You needed to be special to someone. You needed to be seen and heard the way this person seemed to see and hear you.

And they did.

Well…in a way they did.

They used their skill of “cold empathy,” a term coined by Sam Vaknin, the author of Malignant Self Love; Narcissism Revisited.

You can find his book on Amazon and excerpts to read on Google.

Anyway, this abuser could listen and understand you in a way that other people you know cannot. There seemed to be a special closeness that you never had before and you feel like you will never have again.

Part of you misses that aspect of the relationship. But another part of you knows it was never real.

And therein lies the complexity of this recovery. The cognitive dissonance between the person you though you were in a relationship with and the monster they actually turned out to be.

Yes. They did turn out to be a monster. They intentionally hurt you. The entire relationship was a game to them.

It was a campaign of war against your psychological well being.

They guided you onto a path of danger. There were so many losers that you incurred.

These predators will damage every aspect of your life that they can. This can include financial ruin, misguided direction in work or school, emotional breakdown, physical illness,  and suicidal ideations.

This person that seemed so safe, turned out to be the vampire that you had to invite into your house before they could enter. Once inside, they would eventually remind you that you were the one that invited them in. …as If this implies some unwritten obligation you have to them.

That is an illusion too.

Your entire reality was messed with. The way you grew to doubt your own perception of the world around you…that was their intention too.

They systematically drive you nearly insane. They wanted you to question whether or not you could accurately assess things,  or tell which way you should go.

You were conditioned to distrust your own intuition.

Somewhere inside you, there were alarms that told you that something was not normal about them. The narcissist explained those alarms away for you, as if they were helping you.

You thought you knew who you were , going into the relationship….or at least that you had an idea who you were.

They made you doubt that too. Eventually, over time, you believed that they knew you better than you know yourself.

Another deception.

What is the main thing in the tool box of the devil ?

Yep.

Deception.

These are deceivers of the worst kind. They seek out the vulnerable. Then they hunt you down like an animal.

Hunters never have good intentions for the prey they hunt. The hunter treads gently at first, so as not to scare the prey off. Then they attack it with all they’ve got.

The game is to take down the prey. To overcome it. To trick it. To outmatch it. Then to destroy it.

This is a huge undertaking to overcome. There are many levels of complexity, including the old emotional wounds from your childhood that the narcissist instinctually tore open.

You won’t really recover and go back to the person you were before the abuse.

You will incorporate the things that happened to you into the stronger, wiser person that you are becoming.

There is no finish line you are trying to reach. It’s just living each day, as you grow and learn to live again.

At some point you may have felt that you would never love again..that you would never open yourself up to be vulnerable again by ever trusting anyone.

That is part of the recovery too. It’s a day by day process of living. Life is about connections with others.

You can define what those relationships are to the best of your ability. You can set boundaries.

You can learn the red flags of narcissists and psychopaths.

But in the end, there are no guarantees in life. Not for anyone.

Life is about both the known and the unknown.

Part of your recover process is to learn to embrace the unknown. You will learn to be okay with not being able to control everything.

And you will be okay.  Tomorrow is another day. There are amazing people to meet and experiences to have.

You must walk the path you create. You’ll hope for the best. You will find those worthy of your time, love and energy.

And occasionally….hopefully not too often….You will cross paths with one of them…The dark intentioned ones.

You’ll know them by their eyes. You have to look. If you feel that urge to look away, then either run or look right in and see what is there to see.

You crossed paths with an abuser and you will always carry the scars.

But your future awaits you. And the unexpected can be good as well as bad.

It’s okay to be vulnerable at times. And it’s okay not to always know the right thing to do.

After all, you’re only human.