abuse, abusive relationships, domestic abuse, narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Overcoming an Abusive Relationship

Overcoming Narcissistic Abuse is probably not an exactly accurate term. There’s not exactly a finish line or a point that you can say, “There! I did it! I recovered…..I was sick before. But now…well, now I am completely well again.”

The first problem with that is you weren’t completely well to begin with. If you had been, then you would not have been taken in by a predator.

Predators seek out the  wounded and vulnerable. They seek out minds that are conditioned to be affected and persuaded by them.

There is a healing process that takes a long time. It’s an up and down process, kind of like going up three stairs and then down one. …then up four and down one.

Don’t worry about the back stepping, or what seems to you is going backwards. It’s part of the recovery process and every client I’ve worked with has described something similar to that experience during their healing process.

As you move up slowly out of the muck,  the mud, and the dark pit of sorrow the narcissist left you in, you will find that there are many things to learn. Your progress will feel like it’s going upward sometimes, and forward some times, and backward or downward at other times.

It is the nature of the aftermath of this kind of a predator. The pain after realizing that the person you trusted was completely untrustworthy the entire time you were with them, is extreme.

You will feel deeply betrayed,  because they got you to share your deepest , most personal thoughts with them.

It is like the bible quote “do not give your pearls to the swine (pigs).”

But you did. You gave your best pearls and treasured inner emotions and thoughts to the pigs.

It wasn’t your fault. You were conned. You were manipulated by an abusive, dark person that is a good actor.

You wanted to believe they were for real. You needed to believe they were for real.

Because of this need, you overlooked signs that you might have otherwise noticed.

You rationalized their inappropriate behaviors. You made excuses for things they did, and told your self that this person was just diffetent…intense…broken…in pain.

They told you that they had never met anyone like you. ..They said you were special.

You needed to be special to someone. You needed to be seen and heard the way this person seemed to see and hear you.

And they did.

Well…in a way they did.

They used their skill of “cold empathy,” a term coined by Sam Vaknin, the author of Malignant Self Love; Narcissism Revisited.

You can find his book on Amazon and excerpts to read on Google.

Anyway, this abuser could listen and understand you in a way that other people you know cannot. There seemed to be a special closeness that you never had before and you feel like you will never have again.

Part of you misses that aspect of the relationship. But another part of you knows it was never real.

And therein lies the complexity of this recovery. The cognitive dissonance between the person you though you were in a relationship with and the monster they actually turned out to be.

Yes. They did turn out to be a monster. They intentionally hurt you. The entire relationship was a game to them.

It was a campaign of war against your psychological well being.

They guided you onto a path of danger. There were so many losers that you incurred.

These predators will damage every aspect of your life that they can. This can include financial ruin, misguided direction in work or school, emotional breakdown, physical illness,  and suicidal ideations.

This person that seemed so safe, turned out to be the vampire that you had to invite into your house before they could enter. Once inside, they would eventually remind you that you were the one that invited them in. …as If this implies some unwritten obligation you have to them.

That is an illusion too.

Your entire reality was messed with. The way you grew to doubt your own perception of the world around you…that was their intention too.

They systematically drive you nearly insane. They wanted you to question whether or not you could accurately assess things,  or tell which way you should go.

You were conditioned to distrust your own intuition.

Somewhere inside you, there were alarms that told you that something was not normal about them. The narcissist explained those alarms away for you, as if they were helping you.

You thought you knew who you were , going into the relationship….or at least that you had an idea who you were.

They made you doubt that too. Eventually, over time, you believed that they knew you better than you know yourself.

Another deception.

What is the main thing in the tool box of the devil ?

Yep.

Deception.

These are deceivers of the worst kind. They seek out the vulnerable. Then they hunt you down like an animal.

Hunters never have good intentions for the prey they hunt. The hunter treads gently at first, so as not to scare the prey off. Then they attack it with all they’ve got.

The game is to take down the prey. To overcome it. To trick it. To outmatch it. Then to destroy it.

This is a huge undertaking to overcome. There are many levels of complexity, including the old emotional wounds from your childhood that the narcissist instinctually tore open.

You won’t really recover and go back to the person you were before the abuse.

You will incorporate the things that happened to you into the stronger, wiser person that you are becoming.

There is no finish line you are trying to reach. It’s just living each day, as you grow and learn to live again.

At some point you may have felt that you would never love again..that you would never open yourself up to be vulnerable again by ever trusting anyone.

That is part of the recovery too. It’s a day by day process of living. Life is about connections with others.

You can define what those relationships are to the best of your ability. You can set boundaries.

You can learn the red flags of narcissists and psychopaths.

But in the end, there are no guarantees in life. Not for anyone.

Life is about both the known and the unknown.

Part of your recover process is to learn to embrace the unknown. You will learn to be okay with not being able to control everything.

And you will be okay.  Tomorrow is another day. There are amazing people to meet and experiences to have.

You must walk the path you create. You’ll hope for the best. You will find those worthy of your time, love and energy.

And occasionally….hopefully not too often….You will cross paths with one of them…The dark intentioned ones.

You’ll know them by their eyes. You have to look. If you feel that urge to look away, then either run or look right in and see what is there to see.

You crossed paths with an abuser and you will always carry the scars.

But your future awaits you. And the unexpected can be good as well as bad.

It’s okay to be vulnerable at times. And it’s okay not to always know the right thing to do.

After all, you’re only human.

 

 

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abusive men, abusive relationships, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, Uncategorized

The Dark Triad Type of Predator

There is a type of predator that is so dark, that the results of any relationship with one of them is the destruction of basically everything they can possibly destroy in regards to you and your life.

These narcissistic predators will cause their victims to sink into such a pit of darkness that you will have  have moments where you believe that death might be a welcome relief.

They drive their victims to having deep depression and often suicidal thoughts. You will find yourself questioning whether you were mentally unbalanced the whole time, rather than wanting to think that the abuser caused it on purpose.

This type of dark creature appears nearly normal in public, so that no one suspects anything is wrong with them. They might even be well thought of in the community as a humanitarian, a scholar, an artist, or a leader.

Little do their circle of associates know that there is a dangerous contempt and rage seething at their core. There is a resentment of authority and an extreme obsession with manipulation and control.

The rage usually only occurs once the curtains are drawn and the doors are locked. However, it is always lurking just below the surface of their well constructed mask.

The Dark Triad Predator lures their victims into their battle field by covering it with roses, Christian crosses, bibles, yoga mats, money, or whatever else will hold your attention just long enough to keep you from looking too deep into their eyes.

They don’t want you to see it yet.

No. Not so soon. These things must be carefully times.

Showing the rage too soon might cause fear or horror to creep into your mind prematurely.

That just wouldn’t do, now would it?

In order to disguise the creature that lurks beneath, this abuser avoids your glance.

Sometimes they will acknowledge your look while turning to the side or pointing to something alternate for you to look at.

It’s too early to let on.

They don’t want to reveal it yet.

Occasionally, in a bold moment, they may look right at you while in the midst of a vivacious monologue about themselves. But if you really looked…

But you didn’t,  did you?

All evil things come to those who wait, particularly if the waiting is being done by a target of this predator.

They will carefully monitor their vocal tone so as not to allow a glimmer of that rage  to seep through.

They don’t want you to hear it yet.

These predators will use slight of han, smoke and mirrors, and other tricks to get you to see the image they want you to see.

The image they want you to see is the good hearted person you have hoped for. It’s not time for you to look too deeply.

They don’t want you to see it yet.

Their conversations will engage, charm, and lead your mind towards imagining hopeful things for the future.

They are lying because they don’t want you to see the black pit that lies before you. Its just beyond the next step you’re getting ready to take.

The ground is getting ready to open. There is a gaping black hole just beyond where you’re standing, and the abuser won’t let on.

No, they want to lead you forward in the way that any great leader leads others. They promise rewards for believing in them and hint that it is best never to actually question them.

No. It’s better not to question them.

Not out loud.

Not in your mind.

Not at all. Not ever.

Little by little you learn to keep your opinions, your ideas, your suggestions and your gut feelings about things they say to yourself. You are being groomed.

You are being trained. You are being brainwashed. You are being indoctrinated into their world.

This is life with a dark triad personality. The three elements are narcissism, psychopathy, and Machiavellian personality.

Their world only really consists of them. Everyone else is a pawn in their great game of chess.

But they don’t want you to know it yet.

No. They don’t want you to see the blackness in their evil eyes. They don’t want you to hear the fury that is lying just beneath their well crafted exterior.

But most of all, they don’t want you to see what you are standing on. The fire that burns beneath the ground is building and the heat is increasing.

At a certain point, you will have reached the point of no return. Yes, maybe you could have made a polite, yet firm exit earlier on, but it’s too late for you now.

Even attempting to step a toe off that unholy ground would singe your toes and spread up your foot. No. There is no painless way out.

There is no way out from their clutches without severe losses. One of those losses could be your children. It could be your sanity. Or it could be your life.

Yes. Your life as you once knew it to be is no more. You can never go back. Not ever.

Moving forward from this point on will be pain, loss, grief, and extreme loss. So many losses.

But what do you know? The floor has been covered with those roses for some time now. Petals of softness under your feet.

Yes. Perhaps a thorn or two may have drawn a few drops of blood from time to time.

How many times you ask yourself? That’s funny. You can’t really remember. It’s like your memory has been affected.

Even when you try to think about stepping off of that predator’spredator’ s grounds, you don’t really see the edge of things. Maybe you’re tired. Maybe your perception has become a bit confused.

The edges have become blurred, haven’t they? The concept you once had of yourself has also become blurred. Blurred against what you wonder? Blending between yourself and who exactly?

You wonder who this dark stranger is. The one that spits vile words at you for reasons you cannot understand. Perhaps you are not as intelligent as they are to understand why they rage? Maybe.

Or maybe the person you thought you were being lead by is not the person you thought they were. Maybe, they are not a normal person at all.

You try to remember the things that once drove you. What sparked your passion ? Why has your brain been fully focused on the wants and desires of this one individual?

What happened to the person you used to be? It’s like you have been eviscerated. But how? You can’t remember now. Besides there’s no time for that.

The creature needs to be fed and looked after. After all, you wouldn’t want to upset him would you?

You know what could happen if he feels you are not doing you very best to serve and obey him, don’t you?

No?

Maybe you need a reminder, he roars at you. After all I’ve done for you and given up for you?

“I’m so sorry,” you mutter, with your head down. Your eyes look down at your toes, without dating to raise themselves up.

You don’t dare look into those eyes. You know the ones. They used to be a soothing brown, or perhaps a lovely blue.

But not lately. No. Not for quite some time.

Those eyes are black holes. That dark stare frightens you. No. Better to keep your head down, or at least look away.

You can pretend you’re like a little girl who’s been naughty. Maybe that will garner some human instinct in the creature.

But deep down, you know it won’t bring any humanity out in him. No. Nothing can brought out if it were never there in the first place.

There is only cruelty. There is only punishment. There is only shame. There is only them.

They wanted it that way all along. For you to be blurred with them. But why do they loath you so? Why aren’t they happy you have sacrificed yourself for Then?

You were supposed to do it. They were entitled to your submission. It’s not a gift of love. They don’t have to appreciate you.

You belong to them. They believe that you must obey them. They don’t see it as a choice. After all, they are so powerful. Once they will something to come about, it must come about.

You are merely a shadow of themselves. They have attributed their most loathsome qualities into you. Now they can spew all their contempt and hatred your way.

And when the sun shines again, it will not shine for you. And it will not shine for the creature.

As the sunlight dances off the beauty of the day, it dances for the person that does not exist. It shines for the illusory image that the creature covers itself with during the day.

As for you. You’ll have to hold the hand of that person that does not exist. And pray the creature lurking beneath does not come out to feed tonight.

Keep your head down. Avert your eyes. Speak carefully. Walk gently.

And whatever you do…. don’t look into their eyes.

You won’t like what you’ll see.

…..image from Pinterest

abuse, abusive relationships, domestic abuse, narcissism, narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Why the Narcissist Accuses you of Cheating and Deceipt

Why does your narcissist accuse you of cheating out of the intention to cheat?

If they do this, and there is no basis for it, then your narcissist is projecting their own intentions onto you. They are either cheating on you, or they know that they would.

Why does your abuser accuse you of being underhanded or “sneaky”?

If you are being accused of being deceptive, or of going behind their backs, and there is no basis for this, then guess What? They are being deceptive with you. Plus they are just deceptive in general.

Are you being spied on by your partner who accuses you of “being up to something”?

Do they constantly think you are doing things behind their back?

Have you been loyal to a fault, and given them no logical reason to see you this way?

They are projecting their own bad qualities on to you. This is their way of making you “pay” for their machinations and insincere behaviors.

It is their way of dumping the accountability for their actions into you. It is a kind of “blame shifting” called “projection.”

Anyone who is not cheating on you, and has no thoughts about cheating on you, has no reason to even think that you would cheat on them. Unless you actually bring the subject of cheating onto the table, there is no reason for someone to assume you would be doing that.

Unless someone has evidence or reasons to think you might be deceitful and plotting against them, there is no normal reason to accuse you of these traits.

If you started the relationship with your partner with good intentions towards them, and they started the relationship with good intentions towards you, then why should they suddenly accuse you of having changed?

These sudden accusations, with no basis in reality, are the narcissist’s way of justifying their own actions and intentions.

They will justify spying on you, and obliterating your personal boundaries, in the name of “protecting themselves” or “keeping you in line.”

All the while, they are redirecting your attention towards defending yourself, instead of observing the narcissist’s behavior.

They will dump shame and guilt into you , in order to avoid any accountability for their own treachery.

The narcissist will never be accountable for their own actions, mistakes, behaviors or for their own short-comings. Instead, they project their bad qualities onto you, in order to make your life miserable.

They will accuse you, and become paranoid about your intentions, in order to put you on the defensive.

While you are busy trying to convince the narcissist that you are not “up to” anything, they are getting away with whatever behaviors they want to. This includes accusing you, spying on you, isolating you, and making you feel like you live in a prison camp.

They want you to be too busy catching your breath that you don’t have time to see what they are doing to you. And they most certainly do not want you to ever know that their behavior is intentional, in order to distract you from seeing things in realistic perspective.

You do not deserve to be accused of things that don’t even fit your personality. This just shows you that the person does not really know you anyway.

Plus, there is a double standard at work here. While the narcissist becomes indignant and accusatory of you alleged intentions, they feel perfectly entitled to do all of the things they are accusing you of, and more.

It has nothing to do with you. You have done nothing wrong if you have done nothing wrong.

As silly as that sounds, the narcissist will actually make their victim feel guilty for things they are not doing wrong. They will twist reality around in the victim’s mind until they feel like they have done something to deserve the accusations.

Make no mistake. This kind of treatment is emotionally abusive. This kind of gaslighting is psychological abuse.

Any kind of gaslighting or psychological abuse is damaging to your well being in the long run. Even in short time periods, gaslighting can cause harm to you.

Abusive relationships can drag out much longer that outside observers can understand. One of the reasons is that the double standards, the gaslighting and the other psychological abuse can cause the victim to become imprisoned in a mental hell.

Recognizing this kind of abuse, and being able to put labels on it, can be a Step toward freedom.

The effects of psychological and emotional abuse can last long after the relationship has ended.

This can make you vulnerable to being targeted by another abuser.

Remember that all predators do not present themselves the same way initially. Learn the red flags of predators and how to identify abuse.

Realise your personal worth and know that you bring value to any relationship. This knowledge will help you to protect yourself from future predators and abusive personalities