abuse, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, domestic abuse, gaslighting, narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Moving Forward After Abuse and Gaslighting

Getting on with your life after existing in a day to day, ongoing altered reality, can be extremely challenging. Narcissists and other abusers influence the way you perceive yourself and the world around you .

Their goal is to control your perceptions, your feelings and your thinking process. This conditioning is a kind of brainwashing and uses similar techniques that cults use to control their flock.

Isolation from others that would support you, and give you a different frame of reality than the narcissiat wants you to have, is a go-to technique used by most abusers. It may not be obvious to you that they were doing it, or are doing this to you.

You may notice that you are unable to spend time with your friends or that you no longer have access to people that would spend time with you. The abuser finds ways to prevent you from inviting people to the house or interacting with them socially outside of the house .

Abusers are often jealous, envious, disruptive of your relationships. They create drama and chaos, in order to cause dissention, and discomfort to you and to others that would otherwise help you.

They may tell you they feel threatened by your friends or that you should not trust certain people.

Sleep deprivation is another go-to technique of abusers, to control you. When you are sleep deprived, you don’t think as clearly, and you don’t have the energy needed to combat the gaslighting and other mind control tactics that are being used on you.

You may not notice that they are intentionally sleep depriving you. There are a variety of ways they can do this and be unaccountable for it .

Gaslighting is often difficult to recognize and it is extremely dangerous psychologically to your mental clarity and mental well – being.

It can be out and out lying about things that have happened, or extremely subtle with no words at all. Conflicting realities can be presented with body language, and non – verbal expressions, or by lack of response when there should normally be a response.

You will start to feel like your ability to understand what is going on , has been altered. You might feel like your memory is not as good as you think it is.

The narcissist will mirror something back to you that does not seem like an accurate version of who you are, what your values are, or what your real personality is. You might feel like they seem to be perceiving you as a completely different person than who you believed you were.

This is because they want you to be confused. They want to break down your self esteem and your sense of who you are.

It is psychologically dangerous. Many of my clients experience depression, panic attacks, generalized anxiety disorder, and even  suicidal ideations, after long term, on-going gaslighting.

To not be able to hold onto a reality about your own identity is terrifying. The constant interferance with your perception of reality leaves long term effects after you are no longer in the relationship.

If you are still in a relationship with, or have contact with the abuser that was gaslighting you, please be aware that it takes resilience and constant re-orienting yourself back into reality as you know it is.

The longer you are in a gaslighting situation, the more difficult it can be to re-wire your brain and to reduce the panic attacks.

Anytime something is associated with the gaslighting that your abuser did to you, it will cause an emotional flashback to how it felt at the time. Your fight or flight mode will kick in, because your brain recognizes it as a threat to you.

You will run into narcissists sometimes in your day to day life. You don’t have to be in a relationship with them, for something they say to trigger you. It happens to many people  who have been in abusive relationships. Try to limit the length of the interaction and amount of contact you have with anyone who does things that reminds you of the gaslighting that you went through in the abusive relationship.

Abusive relationships can be marriages, romatic or sexual partners, family, friends you lived with, or anyone who targeted your mind with cruel or malicious intentions.

All abusers do not appear to be disordered to others. Many of them appear to be good – hearted people or pillars of the community. They are pastors, therapists, social workers,l doctors , and lots of other roles where they can gain the trust of others.

They do not want to be exposed for who they really are, and that they have no real empathy for others. Posing as a humanitarian, an intellectual, a church member, an honest business man or woman, etc. gives them the cover story that they need. It creates a narrative for who they want people to think they are.

Once you have this realization that this person you trusted, was actually scheming against you, it can be a shock.

Even more so, can be the shock of the realization that there are a percentage of people walking among us, that look and seem like everyone else, but they are manipulators that sadistically target people with the intention of destroying them.

The recovery from on-going abuse is a process. You can get your proper perception back about who you really are. You can gradually reduce the emotional flashbacks, and navigate your life in a positive direction.

It takes time to get back on the right path for you. For many people, it takes re-wiring beliefs in your subconscious that go back to your childhood .

You are an independent, soveriegn individual person, with a unique set of gifts, skills and possibilities.

No one has the right to try to mislead or diminish your life. You have the right to mental clarity and to see things for what they are.

Recovery from gaslighting, verbal abuse, and on-going abuse from a psychopath, a narcissist or a narcissistic borderline takes a while.

It is an on-going, day to day process. Your brain will fall back into the narcissists reality because you were conditioned to be in that reality. It is familiar and what is familiar can seem safer to your brain.

But new realities are out there. New ways of perceiving yourself and your place in the world are possible for you.

Never give up on yourself . If you were not special, and if you did not have significant value, then the narcissist would not have bothered targeting you.

They are looking to take something away from their targets. They want to crush out the light that you have, so you cannot share that light with the world.

Namaste,

Annie – gentlekindnesscoaching.com

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abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Thriving Amongst Predators

Predators like narcissists, and sociopaths / psychopaths are a percentage of the population.

At least 10 percent of the population is toxic and psychologically dangerous to be close to, ad far as I can tell.

While there are beautiful, creative, kind people in every culture, there are also predators in every culture

It is not something new. They go back as far as history does.

You see them described in Greek mythology and mythology from other cultures. There are stories about them in the bible, going back to Genesis .

So yes, we have to survive, or hopefully thrive, amongst predators and personality disordered individuals .

For some reason, it is part of living in this reality on this earth.

Many speculate as to why there is suffering in the world.  While not all suffering is due to psychopaths and narcissists, a lot more of it is than people credit to them.

The question as to why is just that. It’s a question that is beyond us to really know.

The priority to me, as q life coach of abuse victims, is to support people to be able to live, create, find joy, and connect with humanity in a way that makes life worth living.

The will to live is often precarious, after years of being attacked by these kinds of dark workers.

I refer to them as dark workers, because they are the opposite of light workers who are people who care about the better side to humanity and try to bring that light to othets

So many victims of cruelty by these toxic individuals are nearly at their end of having the will to go on. The narcissists try to remove any beauty from your life.

They give the illusion of hope to the victim, only to crush it under their feet

They would have you believe that they can’t help their behavior because they were once abused themselves.

The evidence is clearly against this being true, since so many people go through horrors at the hands of these predators and have not turned evil.

Abuse does not turn people evil. Abusers just want you to think they can blame someone else for their lack of humanity.

But man’s inhumanity to man goes way back. It goes back as far as history goes. Man’s inhumanity to man does not describe most people.

It does not describe mos5 abused people. It only describes the dark ones who inflict cruelty on others for their own gain and personal sadistic enjoyment.

Your narrative may have been influenced by one or more cruel indivuduals.

You may have been mislead by someone with no capacity to love and show compassion, that you are solely responsible for the way your narrative turned out.

But every time you had to respond to attacks and danger from a predator, you made the best choice you were able to make at the time. Your choices and decisions were based on what was happening, and  who you needed to protect.

Do not attach your identity to the narrative of a life that was interfered witg by one or more cruel, abusive people. They chose to put you into situations, whete there was no good choive. There were just efforts to avoid the lesser of the eviks that a predator was about to dish out to you, or to someone you were trying to protect from more harm.

The less importance you give to that narrative that was your life up until this point, the better you can detach from the narcissist.

All the parts that were written by, or interfered with by a psychopath or a narcissist, are their writing. They wrote those sections of a play that you never consented to being in.

Your narrative is the one you would have created if you had not been spending your time putting fires out all over the place, that some sadistic person was setting.

The way you would like your life to be matters. It says much more about you than the narrative that you have lived up until this point .

Don’t see yourself with eyes of shame, based on things the narcissists fed to you.

Don’t believe the lies you have been told by the people who  wanted you to suffer, fail and blame yourself.

These predators have no accountability. They want to blame everyone but themselves for their ridiculous behavior.

Believe in the person within you that would have created an entirely different story. Drink that story in.

You are the one who believes what you know is beauty, and what you know is truth deep down inside.

Let your logic and critical thinking guide you, as you make decisions and take action to make things better for yourself and those who deserve a beautiful life

Listen to your intuitiom about the people you meet, and the things they say. Don’t be conned by the con artists that want to make you feel like there is something wrong with you for knowing to question their intentions.

If someone has alterior motives, questionable intentions or contempt for you, then they deserve to be distrusted by you.

No matter how they manipulate your thoughts around, you do not have to feel guilt or shame for wanting to survive, avoid pain, or to create a beautiful life.

You are not responsible for someone else’s behavior. You are not obligated or responsible to make allowances for another person’s character flaws to your own detriment, or to the detriment of your children.

The predators have no more of a right to survive and live well than you do. They may feel entitled to things that you have or things you do not have, but that is their problem. It does not have to be your problem.

You will be in a better position to offer your gifts to others, when not being destablized by cruel, abusive manipulators

Reserve your love, acceptance and generosity for those people that have compassion, kindness and creativity.

Narcissists and psychopaths / sociopaths are mimics. They imitate normal emotion and they are practiced con artists.

You do not have to disclose your thoughts, feelings or ideas to eveeyone who asks you questions, or pretends to care .

You can take your ability to create your life back. Your right to create your own path never went away.

Remember that abusers, con artists, covert narcissist, and  victim – playing predators are grandios in their thoughts about themselves.

They have contempt and envy of you. It is their problem and you cannot fix them.

They choose who they are each and every day.

They don’t have the right to choose who you are, or tell you that they know you better than you know yourself .

You can create your own narrative, both past and present . Your story is what you believed, in regards to beauty, love, creativity and humanity.

Doing the dance with a predator can feel like it contaminates you.

But your mind is highly more intelligent in regards to being a creator, rather than a destroyer.

Your story is not the one that your abusers told you. Even your memories are affected heavily by the gaslighting and the lies they told you.

It’s impossible to actually remember any events exactly the way they were. So if someone has made you feel shame about situations where you were trying to survive abuse, then the chances are the truth is lost in translation anyway.

Your story is you and your humanity. Your story is about the person who still offered kindness to others and struggled to believe in humanity in the midst of being in close personal proximity to a dark worker

Their dark work will go on most especially because they are always twisting the truth, changing the facts and even their own narrative.

Let it be. Protect yourself and your loved ones who have true compassion for others.

Be the light for your own path. The narrative that makes you feel like a failure, or inadequate is lies and gaslighting.

It is something imposed upon you by dark manipulators that had an alterior agenda than it seemed .

Live life creatively. Use your critical thinking. Listen to your intuition.

And most importantly, believe in yourself

Not the self of someone else’s narrarive of you.

The real person that you are. The one that had an entirely different narrative of their life in mind.

Hold onto that narrative as the one that represents you.

 

 

 

 

abuse, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, anti-social personality disorder, healing from narcissistic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Can you Warn the New Victim of Your Narcissist?

Just because we point out the hole someone is about to fall into, does not mean we are being cruel to the person who dug the hole.

We are just trying to keep the person from falling in, because we recognize the hunter who is patiently watching them….and waiting for that person to fall into their carefully crafted trap. 

When the prey sees the hunter through the rose colored glasses he gave them, they think we are demonizing the hunter. 

They are under the spell of the narcissist. The narcissist usually anticipates that their discarded victim will try to warn other about them. Always 5 steps ahead of you, the narcissist has already gotten to the people you might warn, before you ever think of telling them the truth. 

You have most likely already been discredited by your abuser, with lies about your anger disorder, your mental instability and your desire to be vindictive. It does not have to be the truth for the new victim to believe it. It simply has to come out of the mouth of the narcissist that they are now under the spell of. 

You have little to no chance to convince the new victim to believe you about the nature of the abuser. It is just the same as when you were first under the spell of the predator yourself.

You probably would not have believed an emotional ex girlfriend who they had already told you was abusive to them. They will think you are either trying to get the narcissist back for yourself, or that you want to break them up to prevent their happiness.

abuse, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, domestic abuse, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome, Uncategorized

Adult Children of Abusive Parents – Two Cluster B Parents

Two abusive parents can come in various combinations of Cluster B personality disorders. If you grew up with two parents that were abusive, then you went through hell and there is emotional trauma that is still affecting you as an adult. 

The DSM designates narcissistic personality disorder as a personality disorder, along with a few others. Malignant Borderline personality disorder is often co-morbid with narcissistic personality disorder. But is has some extra characteristics including extreme mood disregulation and fear of abandonment. 

Psychopathy is called anti-social personality disorder in the DSM. It is extreme narcissism with some other characteristsics, including a disregard for the law and rules of society. Narcissism is on a spectrum, which has anti=social personality disorder at the far right side. 

Histrionic personality disorder is also a Cluster B personality disorder. It is narcissism with an obsession with sex. The histrionic is a female disorder, whereas the majority of psychopaths are male…but not all. 

Two people with a cluster B personality disorder sometimes get together for various reasons. Neither of the partners is equipped to raise children with kindness or compassion. They care about themselves and not the needs of the children. 

Depending on the combination of personality disorders, the couple may stay together or break up. Two narcissists can sometimes work together to each get their needs for narcissistic supply met. This is not a loving relationship, but a functional agreement.

Children of two narcissists will be subject to extreme manipulation and control by the parents. Both parents are abusive, in an emotional and mental way. One or both may be sexually inappropriate with the children. Often one parent will turn a blind eye to what the other one does to the child. 

Adult children of narcissists have C-PTSD from the years of on-going abuse. Covert abuse can damage the child as much or more than overt physical abuse. Adult children of parents that were covertly, mentally abusive don’t always know that they were abused at all. The damage is there, but the adult child of mental abuse does not know what is wrong with them. 

People with C-PTSD from abuse often have depression, and anxiety disorders. They may have problems with executive function, which is the part of the brain that helps us to organize,  manage our lives and other skills that most “normal” people use to survive. 

Day to day tasks can be difficult for people with C-PTSD. Sometimes people do pretty well surviving for years, and then suddenly have an emotional / mental crash, when the repressed trauma begins to bubble its way to the surface. 

It is common for adult victims of abuse to be lured by narcissistic predators. There are certain characteristics of a survivor of abuse, that attract predators to prey on them. Low self esteem makes it easy for the predator to invade the victim;s boundaries. A desensitization to abuse makes it easy for the abuser to confuse the victim into rationalizing the abuse. 

The first step to recovering from C-PTSD from childhood abuse is to recognize abuse…and to call abuse “abuse.”

Recovery from abuse requires re-wiring the neural pathways of your brain. Growing up with narcissist means years if conditioning and brainwashing. Many of the beliefs that you hold deep in your subconscious are false. Negative feelings about yourself and your capabilities come from brainwashing from the narcissistic family. 

Getting therapy of coaching can help you to sift through the abuse, and to identify what false beliefs you are carrying. If you are being held back in life by mental tapes that keep playing in your head, these messages can be changed and your brain can be re-wired so that you can be your authentic self. 

There is nothing wrong with you. You have great self worth. Understanding the true value to your authentic, natural self can help to get your life back on track. Any therapist or life coach you work with needs to have an understanding of narcissistic abuse and narcissistic abuse syndrome. 

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If you are interested in coaching for overcoming narcissistic abuse and C-PTSD from abuse, you can check out the gentlekindness web site. There is a contact page where you can send me a message to let me know you are interested in setting up coaching. 

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Visit the site here..http://www.gentlekindnesscoaching.com/

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You can also get more information and connect with other victims at the facebook  page here….https://www.facebook.com/gentlekindnesscoaching/?ref=bookmarks

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I have videos about abuse and abuse recovery at my YouTube channel here.https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCJw1QUDzb59PbWTcnGjGJ7g/videos

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