abuse, anxiety, domestic abuse, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

PTSD from Narcissistic Abuse – Technique for Calming

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anxiety, domestic abuse, life, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, narcissist, narcissistic abuse

Trouble Sleeping After Domestic Abuse – Abuse Induced Insomnia

People that are in an abusive domestic household are very likely to develop insomnia.

Need to Feel Safe in Order to Sleep

There is a tremendous lack of feeling safe. In order to sleep, we have to feel comfortable and safe. From living in a long term situation of anxiety and fear, our brains are conditioned to stay on “alert mode” 24 hours a day. Once we get our of our abusive household, we still do not feel safe to sleep.

Vulnerability

We are aware that we are vulnerable when we are asleep. We are vulnerable to physical attack. We cannot see someone coming towards us. We also cannot protect our home, our possessions, our cash and credit cards, etc while we are sleeping.

Need to Protect Others

For those people with children in the house, there was also a fear of any harm coming to the children, when we might not be looking, When we lived in the abusive household,  we were afraid to not be vigilant  and always had to be watching to protect the children or others in the household.

Now we are in a safe house, but the feeling that the children are not safe still carries with us. We still have trouble sleeping in a deep sleep, because we feel that we have to be the look-out person.

How You Had to Adjust Your Sleep When You Were Living in Abuse

People in these situations are forced by real safety issues to adjust their sleep routine. They may sleep in the living room with the lights on. They may create some kind of makeshift blockade for the person to be slowed down by,  on the way to the bed.

I used to hide my purse in a different place each night before I went to sleep. I also used to pile things in front of the couch I was sleeping on to create a barrier. I always slept with the light on.

These behaviors become a routine that makes us feel safer. It is not surprising that the routine will be carried on, even when we have left the danger behind us.

Fear of Property Being Stolen

To this day, I sleep with my purse right next to the bed. I cannot sleep if it is in the kitchen, even if I am alone in the house. It causes me too much anxiety to sleep, even though I rationally know that no one is going to steel my money.

The feeling that my money could be stolen and my personal items thrown out all over the floor, is an extremely unsafe feeling.

I spent an entire winter in New Jersey with no heat once, because of financial abuse of a domestic partner. He thought his beer and cigarettes were more important than filling up the oil for the heat.

Moving Forward

These behaviors are not something you should feel ashamed of or stupid about. Of course you are an intelligent person who knows that the abuse is in the past.

You know that these behaviors are no longer needed. Or are they? If you still need these routines in order to feel safe to go to sleep, I would say go ahead and leave the lights on, sleep on the couch or whatever. It is more important that you sleep.

You went through an extreme trauma and your brain needs to heal. Your brain is trying to protect itself from more trauma. If forcing yourself to put the purse in the kitchen is going to traumatize you, don’t do it.

If you still have the feeling of being unsafe when you sleep, try to think of ways that you might feel safer. I don’t care how stupid someone else might think it is.

The therapist might tell you to force yourself not to keep the same rituals you had when you were being abused. It really depends. It is the lesser of the evils.

If the behavior is not hurting anyone or yourself then it is ok to continue it for as long as you need to. The need for sleep is far more important than forcing yourself out of safety rituals before your brain is ready to handle it.

You Need to Sleep

Sleep deprivation is dangerous to you. It is far more important that you can sleep than almost anything else, including what some therapist tells you.

Insomnia causes severe sleep deprivation. Your sleep cycle is disturbed. You will eventually not be safe to drive. Your job will be in harm’s way because you will be in danger of oversleeping and cannot focus at work.

Give yourself a break. First things first. Your brain needs to heal from the trauma. You need sleep to heal.

Sleep first, feel better, feel safe, then worry about having odd behaviors.

Coping Tools

Find ways you can feel safe. Keep someone on the phone with an open line while you are going to sleep, sleep with teddy bears, sleep on the couch or in your child’s room with them. Buy extra locks for the doors.

Talk to someone at bed time about how you feel about sleeping. Write your feelings down on paper or on wordpress. Sleep with your clothes on if you need to. God knows , I slept with all of my clothes on for months after I got out of my abuse house.

I slept in everything but my shoes.   Keep in mind, I was sleeping all alone in my room .

There was no one dangerous or abusive living with me anymore. But my need to feel covered was a strong need of my brain in order to feel safe enough to sleep.

These things can’t be rushed. Your brain has the job of protecting you by alerting you of danger. When the brain becomes traumatized by being on alert too long, it gets stuck.

It can’t just shut off. It still feels the need to protect you by letting you know you might be in danger. Let it slowly get used to the idea that you are ok now.

Trying to force yourself out of trauma will cause you more trauma. Be kind to yourself. Do the best you can to make yourself comfortable and safe, so you can sleep.

If you still can’t sleep at night then try to get some sleep during the day. Sleep deprivation will inhibit the brain’s ability to heal from the trauma.

Take naps during the day, if you cannot sleep enough at night. It is best to sleep the full 8 or 9 hours at once, but it is better to get enough sleep somewhere during the 24 hours.  If you do not sleep well one night, try to catch up the next day, even with naps. Any extra sleep will be welcome by your weary brain and body.

Do not feel guilty for taking naps or doing whatever it takes to heal your body and your brain.

Take care of yourself.

Namaste,
Annie

abuse, anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, domestic abuse, poem, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse

Cover me with Roses

Cover me with roses

Cover me with pearls

Turn all of my light off

Let me lie and curl

Cover me with blankets

Cover me with lace

I “breath in”  dark and silence

Dream of elegance and grace

Cover me with solitude

Make the demands all stop

I can’t meet them today

I am all covered

Toe to top

Cover me with blankets

Cover me with pearls

I’m not the one they think

I am a tired little girl

Cover me with nothing

Cover me with all

I am not really here

You will not catch me when I fall

Cover me and leave me

Take sensation all away

The mental torment also

I’ll not come out to play

Cover me with roses

Cover me with pearls

Leave me to my solitude

I am not of the world