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Domestic abuse and Partner Abuse

Being in a partner abuse situation, or living in domestic abuse is a lonely experience. You can lose your sense of self and your confidence in your perceptions.

Reality becomes confused due to gaslighting and emotional abuse of the partner.Your self confidence is crushed and you do not feel like there is any possibility for life outside of the abusive relationship you have become “trauma bonded” to.

You can develope Stockholme Syndrome and feel like you need to defend and cover for the abuser. Living in fear of angering the partner, you become careful of what you say and do.

Isolation is a typical tactic of abusive partners to control their partner and keep them from getting support. You may not even realize that your abuser has intentionally isolated you. You just don’t invite people over anymore, and you feel you have to ask permission to visit anyone.

You are not alone. The methods of abusers are nearly identical and equally terrifying. There is a darkness permeating your soul that you cannot explain.

You need to get support and information about types of abusive personalities and the tactics they use. You can find support that will give you strength and more clarity about what is happening.

Most areas have women’s shelters. They can offer you counseling about getting away and how to do so safely. It may take you time to build up a savings account in your name, but do not stay if you feel you are in danger.

Men have more trouble finding support. Most women’s shelters cannot help you if you are a man living in an abusive relationship. Human services in your area may have resources they can refer you to.

Primary care physicians and local psychiatric services may also be able to guide you toward resources for a place to provide counseling for safe escape.

Living in abuse requires lots of support for you self esteem and mental health. You need help while you are still living there. You will also need help for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) after you leave.

 

 

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Escalating Partner Abuse and Domestic Violence

Domestic abuse increases in intensity over time. There are certain red flags to look for that often predict future violence.

Please know that any kind of restriction of your movement or freedom of mobility is abuse. If your partner is angry and blocks the doorway so you cannot leave and you are afraid to pass them, this is abuse. This behavior often leads to holding, hitting and other physically abusive behaviors.

Someone holding your wrists to keep you from leaving, or holding your body so you can’t move, against your consent, to keep you from leaving the room, is physical abuse.

Your partner sitting on top of you to hold you down, in anger, is abuse. If they accidentally “bump into you” hard enough to injure you, or to threaten or frighten you, this is abuse.

Verbal threats of physical violence are abuse. Damaging your property and punching holes in the walls to frighten you, is abuse.

Swinging their fist or hand, near to your face or body, to frighten you, is abuse. Other behavior which is abusive is taking your keys, or hiding your keys so you cannot leave the house.

Anything designed to force you to stay when you want to leave is abusive. This includes hiding your car or disabling your car. Also interfering with your car payments such as by intercepting your mail or computer payment.

Threatening your children, and implying threats to your children is abuse, and often is a sign of more escalated violence to come.

Pregnancy often escalates abuse. Children living in the house that do not belong to the abuser, is a red flag to watch for physical abuse, if other signs mentioned above have occured.

You should not feel threatened or frightened by your partner. It is not normal.

You should not feel like you have to walk on egg shells not to anger your partner. Love is not controlling and manipulative.

If someone loves you they want you to feel safe. Someone who loves you will accept you for who you are, and not demand you change for them and comply with everything they want.

Abusers feel entitled. They think of you as something they own. They expect you to know what they want and how they want it. They sometimes will intentionally change the rules without telling you, just to see you “fail.”

If any of these things sound familiar, please begin to find a way out of the relationship. But be careful about how you leave them.

Confronting a control freak partner can lead to sudden violence that you may not expect. Contact a women’s shelter so that they can advise you about safe escape.

Blessings,

Annie

abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, battered women, domestic abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse, gaslighting, healing from narcissistic abuse, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, post traumatic stress disorder from domestic abuse . mental abuse, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse, Uncategorized

There is Light Beyond the Darkness of Mental Abuse

Narcissistic abuse is painful. You can experience such grief in the midst of being emotionally abused that you feel hopeless.

Depression and anxiety can overcome your heart, your mind and your soul. Healing from this extreme level of multi-layered pain takes time.

You are not alone. Living in sn abusive environment is like living in hell. Your reality can become twisted all around by the abuser, who does this intentionally. They get some sadistic pleasure from confusing you and stripping away your identity.

All kinds of symptoms can arise, even months after you are out of the abuse. The psychopath or narcissist wants you to still think about them after they are gone. It feeds their addiction to attention and grandiosity.

You feel small and insignificant…and like you are living under a heavy  weight that you can hardly move underneath of.

You can heal and regain your sense of self. Keep having faith in yourself and imagine the things you want out of life.

You were conditioned…probably from childhood…that what you want does not matter. But why do someone else’s dreams matter more than yours do?

Don’t give up. It gets darker before it gets lighter. There are moments of crushing darkness but the light is still out there waiting for you.

There are other victims who care and can help to lead you out. Talking to people who have not been through narcissistic abuse can retraumatize you. Try to find people who have been there and have gone through the darkness into the light.

Let tbe veil of illusion come down and let the light come in to heal your broken heart and wounded soul.

 

Blessings,

Annie👭🌺

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You Deserve Better

image chef too good

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Narcissists Lie to Shame You Into Submission

Narcissists speak lies on a regular basis. They intermix lies with the truth and reframe truth in ways that confuse your perception.

One of the ways narcissists lie has to do with time and and amount. This one is nearly impossible to detect unless you are aware of how they do this.

Let’s say the narcissist wants to give you the perception that they have been thinking of you a lot and making a great effort to get together with you….

Narcissist Version -I have been trying for three weeks to get ahold of you. You are very difficult to get ahold of.

Perception they want you to have – They have been trying hard to get ahold of you and there must be something wrong with your phone or email. You should feel guilty or at fault for not getting their messages

Truth- They did not think of you at all for the last few days ( or weeks) and left you three urgent sounding, annoyed messages within the last 24 hours that they cannot reach you.

Here is another example …

Narcissist – I am surprised you are spending Thanksgiving with us. This is the first one you have spent with us for many years

Perception they want you to have -You apparently have a bad memory of the last  several years.  Their account must be right. You should feel guilty for being selfish.

Truth – You have spent every single holiday with them, including Thanksgiving and Christmas for the last 7 years with the exception of last Thanksgiving that you spent with your grandmother , who had not seen you on a holiday in 7 years.

Here is one more for you…

Narcissist – I am always apologizing to you. You are attacking my self esteem. I should not have to apologize all the time. You always think you are in the right.

Perception they want you to have – You make them apologize often. You never apologize. You always point out when they do something you do not like.

Truth – You are always careful not to point out when they are wrong. You walk on egg shells around them so as not to upset them. They demand that you grovel at their feet when you make a tiny infraction of their rules, even if you had no possible way to comply or did not know they had changed the rules on you.

The narcissist uses these tactics to achieve a few things. The main one is to shame you and “put you in your place.”

They know that if they can make you feel bad for them or make you feel guilty, then they can manipulate you.

Emotional manipulation is one of the favorite tools of the narcissist. If they can force you into certain emotional states then they can control you.

Another reason they use these tactics is to play the victim. They do this to redirect your focus from the actual victim which is you.

As long as the narcissist can appear to be suffering from your maltreatment of them, they can deny any intentional abuse of you. After all…they are at the mercy of your bad behaviors…aren’t they?

 

 

 

abuse red flags, battered women, domestic abuse, domestic violence, life, mental illness, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse, women abuse

How to Trust Yourself to Make Your Own Coffee Once You are Free of an Abusive Partner

Once you have been living in abuse for awhile, it is hard to relate to yourself again. Our relationship with ourselves has become disrupted and damaged. Just like starting over again, if you were to rekindle a love affair, you must start over again to rekindle your relationship with yourself.

You used to know yourself better. Things like what you want, what you like and what you feel are harder to access now for a good reason. If you were under the tyranny of a narcissist, they took over. The only person who mattered was them.

You were trained to only focus on what they wanted. You lost yourself in the process. I remember the first few weeks after I left the abuser. I had trouble even knowing how to make simple choices. Now I could eat what I wanted to for dinner. I could order pizza from the pizza place that he never allowed me to order from. It felt wrong to do it, even though he wasn’t there.

I could use the coffee maker in my own kitchen and make my own coffee. When he had lived there, the coffee maker was off limits for anyone to even touch but him. God forbid, I moved it an inch to the left while I was cleaning the table. All hell would break loose.

So, there I was standing there, thinking I might like some coffee and feeling afraid to touch the coffee maker. I had to force myself to touch it once or twice. Then I moved it to the other side of the table. I waited and nothing terrible happened. He was gone and I could move the coffee maker anywhere I wanted to.

The I did the deed ! I made my own coffee. I not only made coffee, but I made it the way I liked it ! This was a very freeing sensation throughout my entire body ! The I began to move around in the kitchen and started putting things back onto the places I used to have them, before he lived there.

This act of making coffee and putting things where I wanted them to be, was the beginning of my getting back in touch with myself again. You know what I found out? I could trust myself to do all of those things.

The world did not come to an end, the way he had acted like it would, when I put the silverware in the dish drainer face down, rather than face up. I hated the knives pointing up, with the sharp part where it could scratch me, when I was washing the rest of the dishes, but he always made me put them up.

I began to try out my own ideas and it turned out that they were all okay. I was beginning to learn to trust my own choices and my abilities to organize and care for my own things, in my own personal way. It felt so weird for a few days, but especially the first day.

Over time I started to get myself back. I could eat when i felt like it and if I wanted regular bread with my spaghetti instead of french bread, it was perfectly okay. Over the next couple of months, little by little, I began to remember how I liked to do things.

Sometimes I would freeze and just stand there, because I could not remember how to find out what I wanted to do.  Being told what and how to do things for so long, I was not in the habit of thinking  “what do I want to do?” or  “how do I want to do that?” or  “where do I want that to be” etc.

I did not realize how many choices during the course of a day, that my abuser had taken away from me, by threats and fear manipulation. There is such an element of control to these abusive relationships that we lose touch with ourselves and how to trust ourselves.

I still sometimes start to wash off the top of the coffee maker, just the way he always insisted it be washed. I still feel funny when the coffee maker gets moved to a new location. These are all things that I had to learn to take care of myself, and these are just the little things.

The big things, like life decisions were another step. We become used to being told no, all the time. The first time we are allowed to just go for a drive without having to know where we want to go or when we will be back, is a really big thing. So decisions like taking a college class , changing  jobs or even taking a Saturday morning yoga class are all things we have to learn that we can do.

We should have been “allowed” to make those choices all along, but we were not allowed to do things without prior approval. The feeling of coming home from work and not worrying all the way home about what I will be yelled at about, was amazing. I could just come home and relax.

We do not realize how many things we missed out on, until we are out from under the clutches of the abuser. Now we can learn to trust ourselves again. We are capable of knowing what we want to do and then making a plan of how to do it. We can take classes, watch TV when we want to and go to bed when we want to. It was so much better going to bed all alone, than going to bed with an angry person.

Little by little we get our self esteem back. We are ok and we can do things. The task of getting back in touch with how we feel and what we want, takes time. We can learn to know ourselves again.

You matter and your thoughts and ideas matter.  You can have opinions that are yours. You do not have to pretend to go along with him anymore about anything.

If you are still living in abuse, then you are still subject to his threats and you do not have the freedom to state your own opinions. Imagine what it would be like to be in love with someone who let you have your own opinions, even if they were different from their own.

Imagine someone treating you with respect and dignity, even when you did not have the same thoughts and ideas as each other. That is what love is. What love is not is…having to agree with them even when you disagree, having to do everything the way the person wants it done, having no freedom to have coffee with your best friend on the spur of the moment.

Life is there for us to taste, touch, feel, see, and experience. We have the right to experience life the way we want to.

Blessings,

Annie

battered women, bipolar disorder, domestic abuse, domestic violence, insomnia, OCD, poem, poet, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD

Who Are They

Who are They to say we are…
too fat
too dumb
too afraid
too uneducated
too quiet
too shy
too loud
too impulsive
too set in our ways
too sloppy
too independent
too compliant

Who are They to say that we are only…
a nurse
a teacher
a stay at home mom
a working Mom
a playboy
a rebel
a womanizer
an addict
a mental case

Who are They to say that we can’t…
change jobs
change cities
change our minds!
get married
get divorced
learn yoga
dance
go to college
learn something new

Who are They to say that we have no right to…
talk to them
confront them
disagree with them
stand up to them
defy them
leave them

Who are They to say that we can’t become…
a poet
a businessman
an entrepreneur
a parent
a friend
a traveller
a lesbian
a mother
a spiritual advisor
a leader of men
a thinker of new ideas
a creator
a visionary
Ourselves

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Abuse and Insomnia

People that are in an abusive domestic household are very likely to develope insomnia. There is a tremendous lack of feeling safe. In order to sleep, we have to feel comfortable and safe.

We are aware that we are vulnerable when we are asleep. We are vulnerable to physical attack. We cannot see someone coming towards us. We also cannot protect our home, our possessions, our cash and credit cards, etc while we are sleeping.

For those people with children in the house, they also can’t protect their children while they are asleep.

People in these situations are forced by real safety issues to adjust their sleep routine. They may sleep in the living room with the lights on. They may create some kind of makeshift blockade for the person to be slowed down by , on the way to the bed.

I used to hide my purse in a different place each night before I went to sleep. I also used to pile things in front of the couch I was sleeping on to create a barrier. I always slept with the light on.

These behaviors become a routine that makes us feel safer. It is not surprising that the routine will be carried on, even when we have left the danger behind us.

To this day, I sleep with my purse right next to the bed. I cannot sleep if it is in the kitchen, even if I am alone in the house. It causes me too much anxiety to sleep, even though I rationally know that no one is going to steel my money.

The feeling that my money could be stolen and my personal items thrown out all over the floor, is an extremely unsafe feeling.

I spent an entire winter in New Jersey with no heat once, because of financial abuse of a domestic partner. He thought his beer and cigarettes were more important than filling up the oil for the heat.

These behaviors are not something you should feel ashamed of or stupid about. Of course you are an intelligent person who knows that the abuse is in the past.

You know that these behaviors are no longer needed. Or are they? If you still need these routines in order to feel safe to go to sleep, I would say go ahead and leave the lights on, sleep on the couch or whatever. It is more important that you sleep.

You went through an extreme trauma and your brain needs to heal. Your brain is trying to protect itself from more trauma. If forcing yourself to put the purse in the kitchen is going to traumatize you, don’t do it.

If you still have the feeling of being unsafe when you sleep, try to think of ways that you might feel safer. I don’t care how stupid someone else might think it is.

The therapist might tell you to force yourself not to keep the same rituals you had when you were being abused. It really depends. It is the lesser of the evils.

If the behavior is not hurting anyone or yourself then it is ok to continue it for as long as you need to. The need for sleep is far more important than forcing yourself out of safety rituals before your brain is ready to handle it.

Sleep deprivation is dangerous to you. It is far more important that you can sleep than almost anything else, including what some therapist tells you.

Insomnia causes severe sleep deprivation. Your sleep cycle is disturbed. You will eventually not be safe to drive. Your job will be in harm’s way because you will be in danger of oversleeping and cannot focus at work.

Give yourself a break. First things first. Your brain needs to heal from the trauma. You need sleep to heal.

Sleep first, feel better, feel safe, then worry about having odd behaviors.

Find ways you can feel safe. Keep someone on the phone with an open line while you are going to sleep, sleep with teddy bears, sleep on the couch or in your child’s room with them. Buy extra locks for the doors.

Talk to someone at bed time about how you feel about sleeping. Write your feelings down on paper or on wordpress. Sleep with your clothes on if you need to. God knows , I slept with all of my clothes on for months after I got out of my abuse house.

I slept in everything but my shoes.   Keep in mind, I was sleeping all alone in my room .

There was no one dangerous or abusive living with me anymore. But my need to feel covered was a strong need of my brain in order to feel safe enough to sleep.

These things can’t be rushed. Your brain has the job of protecting you by alerting you of danger. When the brain becomes traumatized by being on alert too long, it gets kind of sick.

It can’t just shut off. It still feels the need to protect you by letting you know you might be in danger. Let it slowly get used to the idea that you are ok now.

Trying to force yourself out of trauma will cause you more trauma. Be kind to yourself. Do the best you can to make yourself comfortable and safe, so you can sleep.

If you still can’t sleep at night then try to get some sleep during the day. Sleep deprivation will inhibit the brain’s ability to heal from the trauma.