abuse, child abuse, domestic abuse, domestic violence, insomnia from domestic abuse, insomnia from domestic violence, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness

Domestic Abusers Cause Long Lasting Psychological Damage to the Children in the Home

I was listening to a young girl today talk about having to sleep with her light on. She has trouble sleeping even with the light on, but feels in utter terror when she has to sleep in the dark.

I heard her talk about the abuse she went through as a small child from her father. I heard her say that he used to threaten her that if she left the house that he would strangle her in her sleep. Once or twice he came into her room and put his hands around her throat and made her feel like she would die.

She also described being held under the water one time and nearly drowned.

She was 7 years old.

This girl now is 14 years old and has severe mental illness that was caused by this abuse. I heard anger in her mixed with fear. She gets very angry when any of her friends are threatened. I heard her describing what she said to someone who had sent an email threat to her friend.

It was disturbing to me that her reaction was to violently threaten them back. Her threats were more severe and more specific than the threats that were sent to her friend by the bullies. She was now being a worse bully back to them, than they were to begin with.

Her perception of how to protect herself and her friends is to threaten violence and explode her anger onto other people. I was very concerned for her, as I was listening. The reason I was so concerned is that she is now setting herself up for harm.

Not only could be be in danger from the people she is threatening, but she did these things on the internet and she could easily be reported for threatening people. The emails are easy to forward to anyone and once things are in the internet world, they cannot be taken back or erased.

This is such a sad situation, because the fact that her judgement is so poor, is due to her childhood abuse.  The fact that her way of feeling safe is to retaliate and threaten back, is also caused by the abuse.

She feels unsafe all the time and threatened all the time. She can’t sleep well. She feels that she has to be a bigger bully than anyone who shows a threat to her or her friends. This is even to the point where she is endangering her future.

If this behavior continues, she will likely end up in juvenile hall or some place like that. I fear for her that she will end up doing something that will cause her to be arrested or at the very least that will cause her to be alienated.

The internet sites have rules and regulations. It is easy to report people for violations, such as sending threats and they will be banned from the site. Since her social existence is mainly on the internet, something like this could basically destroy her.

Many times with young people, fear comes out as anger. Her feelings of being unsafe and threatened are very severe. She has zero tolerance for anything that feels like a threat to her, including anyone being mean to her friends.

She does not know any coping skills for her anger. She does not understand how to think about proper channels to go through in order to deal with bad situations.

She reacts rather than acts, to any situation that makes her feel unsafe in any way. Reacting is bad because there is no time for any thought behind your actions. Acting comes out of thought and some logical process of the brain. Her brain has been broken for activating any logical processes, during times of anxiety.

This is a situation where the abused child is now becoming a person that will cause themselves to have further trauma, in their effort to avoid such trauma. The cycle of abuse, anger and trauma continue.

It is very sad and so tremendously unfortunate that this child was so severely mentally wounded. This is most likely a permanent brain wounding. It is psychological damage.

Child abuse is a terrifying and terrible thing. I wish that these people would not be allowed to have children. I know there is no way to identify who is going to be abusive or even to identify who is abusing their children. The children are afraid to reach out for help and they do not know what would happen to them if they did.

I can only pray for this poor girl and hope that her future is not going to be as dark as it seems like it will be.

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abuse, acoa, battered women, child abuse, domestic abuse, domestic violence, health, healthy relationships after domestic abuse, mental abuse, mental illness, narcissist, PTSD from domestic abuse, women abuse

Abuse and Insomnia

People that are in an abusive domestic household are very likely to develope insomnia. There is a tremendous lack of feeling safe. In order to sleep, we have to feel comfortable and safe.

We are aware that we are vulnerable when we are asleep. We are vulnerable to physical attack. We cannot see someone coming towards us. We also cannot protect our home, our possessions, our cash and credit cards, etc while we are sleeping.

For those people with children in the house, they also can’t protect their children while they are asleep.

People in these situations are forced by real safety issues to adjust their sleep routine. They may sleep in the living room with the lights on. They may create some kind of makeshift blockade for the person to be slowed down by , on the way to the bed.

I used to hide my purse in a different place each night before I went to sleep. I also used to pile things in front of the couch I was sleeping on to create a barrier. I always slept with the light on.

These behaviors become a routine that makes us feel safer. It is not surprising that the routine will be carried on, even when we have left the danger behind us.

To this day, I sleep with my purse right next to the bed. I cannot sleep if it is in the kitchen, even if I am alone in the house. It causes me too much anxiety to sleep, even though I rationally know that no one is going to steel my money.

The feeling that my money could be stolen and my personal items thrown out all over the floor, is an extremely unsafe feeling.

I spent an entire winter in New Jersey with no heat once, because of financial abuse of a domestic partner. He thought his beer and cigarettes were more important than filling up the oil for the heat.

These behaviors are not something you should feel ashamed of or stupid about. Of course you are an intelligent person who knows that the abuse is in the past.

You know that these behaviors are no longer needed. Or are they? If you still need these routines in order to feel safe to go to sleep, I would say go ahead and leave the lights on, sleep on the couch or whatever. It is more important that you sleep.

You went through an extreme trauma and your brain needs to heal. Your brain is trying to protect itself from more trauma. If forcing yourself to put the purse in the kitchen is going to traumatize you, don’t do it.

If you still have the feeling of being unsafe when you sleep, try to think of ways that you might feel safer. I don’t care how stupid someone else might think it is.

The therapist might tell you to force yourself not to keep the same rituals you had when you were being abused. It really depends. It is the lesser of the evils.

If the behavior is not hurting anyone or yourself then it is ok to continue it for as long as you need to. The need for sleep is far more important than forcing yourself out of safety rituals before your brain is ready to handle it.

Sleep deprivation is dangerous to you. It is far more important that you can sleep than almost anything else, including what some therapist tells you.

Insomnia causes severe sleep deprivation. Your sleep cycle is disturbed. You will eventually not be safe to drive. Your job will be in harm’s way because you will be in danger of oversleeping and cannot focus at work.

Give yourself a break. First things first. Your brain needs to heal from the trauma. You need sleep to heal.

Sleep first, feel better, feel safe, then worry about having odd behaviors.

Find ways you can feel safe. Keep someone on the phone with an open line while you are going to sleep, sleep with teddy bears, sleep on the couch or in your child’s room with them. Buy extra locks for the doors.

Talk to someone at bed time about how you feel about sleeping. Write your feelings down on paper or on wordpress. Sleep with your clothes on if you need to. God knows , I slept with all of my clothes on for months after I got out of my abuse house.

I slept in everything but my shoes.   Keep in mind, I was sleeping all alone in my room .

There was no one dangerous or abusive living with me anymore. But my need to feel covered was a strong need of my brain in order to feel safe enough to sleep.

These things can’t be rushed. Your brain has the job of protecting you by alerting you of danger. When the brain becomes traumatized by being on alert too long, it gets kind of sick.

It can’t just shut off. It still feels the need to protect you by letting you know you might be in danger. Let it slowly get used to the idea that you are ok now.

Trying to force yourself out of trauma will cause you more trauma. Be kind to yourself. Do the best you can to make yourself comfortable and safe, so you can sleep.

If you still can’t sleep at night then try to get some sleep during the day. Sleep deprivation will inhibit the brain’s ability to heal from the trauma.