You can be compassionate and have great empathy for others, and still have strong personal boundaries. You deserve to have dignity and for others to treat you with respect.
Setting boundaries with people is not selfish. Loving yourself is not selfish.
We have been conditioned to say “yes” to people, when they are insistent with us. This is especially true for people who come from emotional abuse. But the person who is insistent about things that make you uncomfortable is not being loving to you.
Love those that are loving. Care for those who are capable of caring. I love Brene Brown and her work on vulnerability, shame and empathy. Sharing your strengths and your struggles with people is being vulnerable, and it can have a healing effect on others. But you have the right to have personal boundaries and you have the right to say NO to people about things.
You do not have to provide people with reasons that they agree are valid. If someone discounts your reality, then they are not being loving. You do not have to serve their agenda. Save your energy for those who are loving.
Brene Brown talks about the culture we live in which promotes shame for not being perfect enough, or for being the person that the media says we should be.
Being in an intimate relationship with a psychpath awakens your reality to a darkness you never knew existed. You always knew that there were serial killers and rapists in the world, but you never knew they could be hidden behind a charming exterior.
You consented to being close to the person they presented themselves to be. But you never consented to being intimate with someone who carries darkness within them.
When you hear people say that you chose to be in a relationship with an abuser, it is confusing and re-traumatizing. They make their point by saying that you had free will and walked into the relationship with open eyes.
They do not understand the mind manipulatiin of a psychopath and how your reality was very different at the beginning of the relationship than it is now.
Not only do you have to come to terms with the cognitive dissonance of the two different realities…the person you thought you were sleeping with….and the person you were actually sleeping with……
You now have to listen to this other proposed reality that you went into the relationship with an abuser with open eyes and free choice.
Only two kinds of people would say this to you….Pathological narcissists….and very closed minded judgemental people who think they are better than you, because of course…it would never have happened to them!
The narcissists that post comments like this on the youtube blogs of survivors are sadistically gaslighting the victims. They are intentionally twisting your reality, which they are fully aware has already been twisted by one of “their kind.”
Victim blaming is most often instigated by pathological narcissists. Other people may believe their lies because they are being manipulated by the narcissist. So the very people saying that no one can have their mind manipulated….are having their own minds manipulated….and their beliefs fed to them by a narcissist.
Being in a partner abuse situation, or living in domestic abuse is a lonely experience. You can lose your sense of self and your confidence in your perceptions.
Reality becomes confused due to gaslighting and emotional abuse of the partner.Your self confidence is crushed and you do not feel like there is any possibility for life outside of the abusive relationship you have become “trauma bonded” to.
You can develope Stockholme Syndrome and feel like you need to defend and cover for the abuser. Living in fear of angering the partner, you become careful of what you say and do.
Isolation is a typical tactic of abusive partners to control their partner and keep them from getting support. You may not even realize that your abuser has intentionally isolated you. You just don’t invite people over anymore, and you feel you have to ask permission to visit anyone.
You are not alone. The methods of abusers are nearly identical and equally terrifying. There is a darkness permeating your soul that you cannot explain.
You need to get support and information about types of abusive personalities and the tactics they use. You can find support that will give you strength and more clarity about what is happening.
Most areas have women’s shelters. They can offer you counseling about getting away and how to do so safely. It may take you time to build up a savings account in your name, but do not stay if you feel you are in danger.
Men have more trouble finding support. Most women’s shelters cannot help you if you are a man living in an abusive relationship. Human services in your area may have resources they can refer you to.
Primary care physicians and local psychiatric services may also be able to guide you toward resources for a place to provide counseling for safe escape.
Living in abuse requires lots of support for you self esteem and mental health. You need help while you are still living there. You will also need help for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) after you leave.
Just posted on Tumblr Narcissistic Abuse Blog
As part of women’s history month we have to realize the importance of domestic abuse, partner abuse and rape. The awareness of abuse of women needs to be highlighted. More awareness is needed.
Victim blaming and myths about abuse victims needs to be an important part of women’s history month. How many women have had their lives cut short due to a violent partner?
How many women have been emotionally abused with gaslighting and intentional brainwashing tactics by a predator who targeted them?
What great things might these women have accomplished, had they not been controlled and manipulated by an abusive partner?
How many potential contributions to human kind have been interfered with, by an abuser who crushed down the self esteem and undermined her ability to follow her dreams?
Awareness of mental, emotional and other kinds of abuse of women, needs to be addressed and light needs to be shed on how this has affected women’s history, and continues to do so.
Every act of compassion matters. Each time you offer a kindness to another living being it matters.
Whether or not you feel that they appreciated your intention afterwords or not, does not change what your intention was.
Sometimes we are not aware of the motives of others, or what is going on in their heads. You may have had a relationship with someone for a long time, and then realized that they never felt the way you thought they did.
They may not have accepted your loving intentions in the way you wanted them to. Some people feel entitled to your service, and therefore cannot truly appreciate the caring intention behind things you did for them. This does not change what your intention was.
Just because the reality of someone is different than your own does not change the power of your personal meaning for acts of compassion and kindness towards them.
Kindness can be shown to random strangers or even people who you never see. You may have held the door for a mom who was struggling with babies and bags at the store. Your small kindness may have affected her mood in a way that it was passed into her…and then she passed the kindness energy along to someone in her home.
You do not always see the domino effect of your good heart.
It is true that sometimes people will turn on you when you least expect it. You may feel that this negates every kindness you ever showed them. But this is not true.
Kindness and compassion are poweful energies. They exist in spite of people who cannot accept or appreciate their pure essence.
This is not to say that you should allow people to walk over you. It is not to encourage you to go out of your way for manipulative people. Not at all.
It is just let you know that your intentions always matter. They have a far more reaching effect than the particular person or situation.
Generating loving intentions towards others sends these intentions out into the energy fields all around you. You can send positive energies to someone sitting near you on the bus, and never speak a word to them.
The energy of intention takes on a life of its own. If you are empathic at all, then you can feel when someone near you is projecting bad energy like anger or evil intention. It is felt in your gut or other places in the body.
The people around you feel and receive the intentions you create. You can self generate compassion and kindness. It can be sent tosomeone else with a gentle touch on the shoulder, or just by making eye contact.
Studies have been able to prove that there are magnetic fields of energy that are projected out from each individual person.
In fact this is true for all living things. That is why you can feel certain kinds of grounding energies when you are in nature.
Trees and plants give off magnetic energy fields. Human magnetic energy fields extend at least 3 to 6 feet in all directions, based on scientific research and studies.
Paying attention to your gut feelings can protect you from people sending malicious energies. It can also guide you toward people that create positive intention and project that compassion outward for others to feel and access.
Some people are energy vampires. You feel drained of energy after spending time with them.
Others are generous with their beautiful strengthening energies. Humans can transmit feelings of empathy, excitement, acceptance and many other loving energy fields.
Any act of kindness or positive intention you have done or will do, matters. Anytime you project compassion, it has an effect on the collective consciousness of living things.
Even if it turns out that you could not connect with someone in the way you wanted to or expected to, your positive intentions were still sent out to other living beings around you.
Try to surround yourself with loving, supportive people that accept your beautiful pure energies.
Even if someone has let you down in the past, you can still connect with caring people.
Your intentions matter, although you cannot change people who do not want to change. Everyone will not see you for who you are.
Everyone will not be receptive to healing energies, empathy or kindness. Some people just want to see how much they can manipulate you. Try to learn how to identify these kinds of people, so you can minimize contact with them.
The higher your consciousness level, the more truth you will see about the energy fields being projected by others.
Low consciousness levels will attract other people in similar consciousness levels.
Abuse and trauma can sometimes bring your consciousness level down, and affect what kinds of energy you are projecting.
Be careful to assess your psychological and spiritual state, before interacting with others.
Strengthen your ability to self generate states you want to be in.
Awareness of your intuition, gut feelings and energy sensations in your body will help you to self generate specific states.
All of your compassionate intentions have mattered and will continue to matter.
Even intentions that you sent out to people undeserving of those intentions, are not lost. The effect on the energetic dimension was still there, even if the person you were trying to care for had ulterior motives.
People may try to drain your energies because they can control a drained person easier than someone filled with excitement and purpose.
You can build energy projection skills. You can practice self generating moods and states of being. The better you become at these skills, the more powerful you will be.
Add your email to the emailing list for the web site Gentlekindnesscoaching
image from lawsofmondern man tumblr blog
It is extremely tempting to keep checking on what your ex is up to. They count on this and will intentionally pose for pictures that will bother you, and then post them on their facebook page. They want you to see them havint a great time with the new target.
The narcissists gets fuel (narcissistic supply) from knowing that you are jealous of their new partner. They will intentionally take that partner to places and activities they told you they would not do with you. This is to rub salt into your already painful wounds.
For all you know they dragged the person to those places and they did not really want to go. You know how powerful the narcissist is at manipulating. If course the partner is going to smile for the pictures, because they do not want to look bad on facebook.
You are being mind controlled by the narcissist. They want you to think that this time the relationship is real, and that you missed out because you were not good enough for them. But it is all the same game.
The pathological narcissists works in cycles. They repeat them over and over again. The idealization and devaluing….the triangulation of the new target with the ex lover. They gain lots of narcissistic supply from triangulating you with the new partner,because they are causing jealousy in both of you.
They are mentioning you to the new partner. Your name will likely come up from time to time, just so the new target knows they have to stay in line, if they want to keep the relationship. The narcissist will tell lies about you in any number of ways. They may tell the new partner that you are still interested in them…or that you were better at something that they are.
This is all part of garnering fuel (narcissistic supply). You are playing into their hands, just the way they planned, by checking on their facebook page and other social media. In order to heal, you have to go No Contact for real.
Checking their pictures and activities is still a passive form of contact. You need to heal and regain your identity. Unfriend them and let them stew about that. It is the best way to get back at them.
Charmed by his intelligence
Lured by the vulnerability
like a mother bear to a lost cub
What else could I do?
What other choice could I consider?
Couldn’t just leave him that way
all torn and bleeding
from the abuse and cruelty
in his past…
He needed to be saved…
He seemed to know what I was feeling
Like he knew me from another life
He understood me so well
Listened to me with a distant empathy
Heard every story, felt every pain
I opened everything up to him
Spilled out all my fears,
All my hopes, all my dreams
He listened to my weaknesses and said
Never you mind,
Better to accept them and
get them out in the open
You’ve been holding them too long
He made careful notes as he listened
My triggers, and my trauma
Kept mental notes on every fine detail
What would you think?
What would you assume?
It was true love’s patient virtue?
This was a confidant to be trusted?
With my life…
With my mind
With my sanity
Let me shed some light…
on the darkness
There are some people
that hunt for strangers…
Strangers that are sheep
full of passion, kindness
empathy, and lonliness
There are predators hunting now
as I write these very words
for you to heed somehow…
like your life depends on them
So you shall not bleed
From deep spiritual wounding
and psychological breaking…
My warning is true
Watch your step …unlike me
Keep your passion
tempered with ration
Yes, I will say it
Stay a virgin from
the psychopathic monster
He might be stalking you
Watching you right now…
Be warned and I tell you true
Once you have crossed
There is no going back
You can escape
by removing yourself…
removing your body
from the crime
but how can you remove
from your mind?
**an older poem of mine from last year