abuse, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, domestic abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, leaving an abuser, malignant narcissistic personality disorder, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, Narcissists, no contact, no contact from narcissist, no contact with the narcissist, overcoming narcissistic abuse, PTSD from domestic abuse, revenge on a narcissist, Uncategorized, women abuse

No Contact Includes Un-friending Them

no contact stop checking facebook

image from lawsofmondern man tumblr blog

It is extremely tempting to keep checking on what your ex is up to. They count on this and will intentionally pose for pictures that will bother you, and then post them on their facebook page. They want you to see them havint a great time with the new target.

The narcissists gets fuel (narcissistic supply) from knowing that you are jealous of their new partner. They will intentionally take that partner to places and activities they told you they would  not do with you. This is to rub salt into your already painful wounds.

For all you know they dragged the person to those places and they did not really want to go. You know how powerful the narcissist is at manipulating. If course the partner is going to smile for the pictures, because they do not want to look bad on facebook.

You are being mind controlled by the narcissist. They want you to think that this time the relationship is real, and that you missed out because you were  not good enough for them. But it is all the same game.

The pathological narcissists works in cycles. They repeat them over and over again. The idealization and devaluing….the triangulation of the new target with the ex lover. They gain lots of narcissistic supply from triangulating you with the new partner,because they are causing jealousy in both of you.

They are mentioning you to the new partner. Your name will likely come up from time to time, just so the new target knows they have to stay in line, if they want to keep the relationship. The narcissist will tell lies about you in any number of ways. They may tell the new partner that you are still interested in them…or that you were better at something that they are.

This is all part of garnering fuel (narcissistic supply). You are playing into their hands, just the way they planned, by checking on their facebook page and other social media. In order to heal, you have to go No Contact for real.

Checking their pictures and activities is still a passive form of contact. You need to heal and regain your identity. Unfriend them and let them stew about that. It is the best way to get back at them.

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abuse, abuse poetry, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, narcissism, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome, narcissistic psychopath, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, Narcissists, overcoming narcissistic abuse, people pleaser syndrome, poetry, psychopathic abuse, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse, Uncategorized

Somebody

I looked at things in a certain way

Because somebody told me I should

I averted my gaze when I should have looked

Because somebody told me to turn

I walked away when I should have stayed

Because somebody told me to go

I denied myself and I suffered pain

Because somebody told me to suffer

I worked too hard …or not at all

Because somebody said it was right

I listened to the programs in my brain

Because somebody said they were mine…

I lost myself, and people I loved

Because someone said,

“Don’t waste your time”

I ignored the gnawing in my gut

Because somebody said not to listen

I went down paths that didn’t feel right

Because somebody said it was safe…

But Somebodies do not save you

When the actions you did betray you

And Somebody doesn’t know you

like you need to know yourself

And somebody else’s agenda will just

End you up in mental hell

abuse, abuse red flags, abusive men, abusive relationships, dating a narcissist, domestic abuse, domestic abuse blog, domestic violence, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, Narcissists, narcopath, overcoming narcissistic abuse, people pleaser syndrome, Psychopath abusive relationship, psychopathic abuse, psychopaths, PTSD from domestic abuse, Uncategorized

Socialized Psychopaths

psychopath socialized

Image by Dr. David McDermott

Psychopaths are 1 in 25 people. That is a high number.

They are disguised as regular people….pillars of the community….coaches of your kid’s sports team….pastors of your church….your therapist….the local police officer….your surgeon…..your date from Match.com…

Learn the signs of psychopaths. Educate yourself about the red flags, their tactics, and the way they manipulate their prey. They think with their reptilian brain….you are the prey and they are the predator. 

Psychopaths only blend in because people do not know what they are looking at, and they dismiss the signs even when they are right in front of them. 

Stay safe and keep your kids safe. Psychopaths can be charming and they know how to press your emotional buttons. They get into your mind by eliciting emotional reactions from you. 

These are people that you do not want to allow into your life. Once they are in, it can be hard to get rid of them. They retaliate on people that reject them in ways that you cannot imagine, unless it has happened to you. 

More info – Follow my facebook page gentlekindnesscoaching facebook 

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If you Have Gotten Out, Stay Away from Your Abuser

image chef too good

abuse, abusive relationships, dating a narcissist, dating an abusive guy, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, health and wellness, healthy relationships after domestic abuse, leaving an abuser, malignant narcissistic personality disorder, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic psychopath, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, overcoming narcissistic abuse, teen abusive relationships, Uncategorized, women abuse

Avoiding Abusive Relationships for Teens

When you are a teenager, or a preteen, you are learning about yourself and also learning about what kinds of people you like to be around. You are hopefully living a happy, healthy life, but I realize that many of you are not living a home life that is mentally healthy.

Some of you have supportive parents and others of you have abusive parents. Whether they abuse is physical, sexual or mental / emotional , any kind of  abuse will affect your judgement about selecting friends and boyfriends / girlfriends.

You have to know who you are. You are on a path of self discovery. As you learn about yourself, you also need to believe in yourself.

You are still developing your self esteem and your value system. You are still developing your personality and how you present yourself to the world. You are learning how to interact, how to attract others and what to do with them, once you attract them.

Here are some important things for you to remember, when you are dating.

1. You matter ! Your feelings and your thoughts matter.

2. Trust your feelings and your intuition. If you feel like something is wrong with w certain person, or a certain relationship, then listen to that intuition. It is there as an alert system for you.

3. Do not let others choose for you. People think they know who you are and who would be a good match for you, but they do not. You know what you want and need. NO one else can pick someone for you.

4. Do not choose someone, in accordance with  what the social group wants you to do. Not only will individual people want to “set you up” , but the social group itself may have rules about who you can and cannot date.  Be careful to think for yourself and not to let others think for you.

5. If you do not like being with someone, you never will. Do not try to force yourself to like a guy that you do not like, just so that you can have a boyfriend / or girlfriend. You are better on your own than with someone who you just do not like.  Do not think that you can Make yourself like them, by hanging out with them.

6. Relationships Should be Balanced. There should be give and take in relationships. It should not be one-sided, where one person gets their way all the time. One person should not be dominating over the other person.

7. No Abuse!  The No Abuse Rule Cannot be Broken. No one can abuse you for any reason that makes it okay. Abuse includes being physically rough with you. This includes talking you into sex that you do not feel comfortable with. 

Abuse is also any emotional or mental torment. If anyone is manipulative with you, by making you feel bad (guilty, shame, sad, scared) then that is abuse.

Abuse can be mental abuse, which could be trying to make you into someone you are not. Making you feel stupid, making you feel embarrassed in front of other people. Being nicer to your friends than to you. There are many mentally and emotionally abuse behaviors and you can read about them in some of my other posts.

8. Your Parents Can Not Choose for you.  Your parents may thing they know someone who would be a good match for you. Most guys will act a certain way in front of your parents, that does not allow your parents to see everything about them. There is not enough information that your parents can get from any girl or boy that you like, in order to know how they will treat you.

PLEASE NOTE – If you have good parents that are not abusive, they will be looking out for you. I did say that they cannot choose someone for you, however they can WARN YOU if someone seems to be abusive or a very bad match for you. When you have feelings for someone, it is easy to miss red flags, but your parents may pick up on them.

9. Communication is Very ImportantYou should be able to communicate with the person you are dating, You should be able to talk about your thoughts, opinions and your feelings.

If they shut you down, and do not care about your feelings, then you should move on and let them go.

If they always have to be right and do not want your opinions or thoughts about things, they are a potential abuser and you need to get out.

10. It is okay to be on your own. It is okay to not have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. You do not have to be with someone all the time, or at all. If you have recently come out of a break up, then it is good to wait a while before jumping into a new relationship. Your emotions need to heal before you will have a good perspective to make good choices.

It is ok to be on your own. You do not need to be with someone, in order to be cool. You do not need someone in order to be happy. In fact some people will make you miserable.

It is ok to be on your own, just because you want to. You have a  lot of things to do, with school, family and activities. Relationships take time and you may not have the time right now.

It is okay to be on your own. It is okay if no one has asked you out. There are always some girls who seem to get asked out all the time. You might be the one that no one seems interested in.

This is probably because you are a real person. You are not all fluff and puff. You have depth and intelligence. There will be someone that will really respect and love you for that. But the “click” people and the “popular”  crowds do not like independent thinkers.

Be yourself. Do Not Change to fit in. DO not change to get a guy. be yourself and the right guy will come along. You would not be happy with these superficial people anyway. You would be frustrated and bored.

You need someone with some depth and intelligence. You will have to wait patiently until that special person comes along, because there are not as many independent thinkers as there are “crowd pleasers”

Guess what? This guy is also wondering where you are ! He is somewhere with people that he does not fit in with. He is the one not getting asked out,  because he does not fit in with the group. They are waiting to meet you. 

abuse, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, blame shifting, emotional abuse, malignant narcissistic personality disorder, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Psychopath, Uncategorized

Narcissistic Abuse Blogs and Submissions

Submissions for the on Narcissistic Abuse blog on ConvoZone are being accepted now. 

You can submit your personal stories about your experience with abuse, or poetry. Articles that are designed to enlighten other victims and survivors are also being accepted.

All submissions will be held for my moderation. I will get to them on a first come first serve basis, as soon as I can. 

You are also welcome to submit posts to the Lovely Wounded Lady blog. Or you can always give a link to your posts, in the comments section below here.

Annie

abuse, abuse red flags, abusive relationships, emotional abuse, healing after narcissistic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissist mirroring, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse syndrome, Psychopath, Uncategorized

Avoid Dating Before you are Done Healing from Abuse

If you are recently out of an abusive relationship with a narcissist or a psychopath, you might want to take some time to heal before you go back out into the dating world.

I know if can be very hard, because you feel lonely. You are used to being attached with one person and it is very difficult to be alone. 

Toxic loneliness is one of the main reasons people go back into another abusive relationship, or they go back to their abuser. You can weather the storm of this, even though it will not be easy. 

Being a victim of a narcissist, makes you a prime target for another one. Narcissists can spot you out of other people. It is like they can smell blood in the water. They have learned to read body language, and other signs of someone who will fall easily into their trap. 

You would think that you would be able to spot another abuser, since you have already been through that, but you need to be well healed before you will be able to recognize them.

The new narcissist will seem different than the old one, because they look different, smell different and have different interests. They have a different job, live in a different town, and use different lines on you. 

Once they get you talking, they will find out about your last relationship. They will seem sympathetic and tell you that only losers would treat a woman that way. They might tell how well they believe women should be treated and that they have no respect for those kinds of weak men who prey on vulnerable women. 

If you are a man looking for a woman, the game will go similarly but probably with more sensual lure. The new narcissistic woman will sympathize with your pain from your last relationship. She will seem to care about what you went through. She will tell you that she believes in honesty and being straight with someone. 

You will forget that the main tool in the narcissists’s tool box is lying.

You will be taken in by their charm and you will forget how the narcissist puts on the mask that you want to see. 

If you need to fill the void that the last abuser left in you, then another narcissist will promise to fill that void. You will think that you could not possibly have such bad luck as to find another abuser, when you just got away from one. 

It has nothing to do with luck. Narcissists and psychopaths are like sharks that search for blood in the water. They can smell fear, pain and vulnerability. They are so good at mirroring you, that they will convince you that they are tired of predators too. They will tell you a story to make you feel like you want to take care of them. 

Recovering from an abusive relationship takes at least 5 times as long as recovering from a regular breakup.

You cannot heal in a couple of months. Not if they put you through the full gaslighting game and interfered with your reality. They left programming in your head. 

The energy you are giving off is at the level that the narcissist left you at. Once you are able to bring that vibration up to a higher level, you will be safe from predators. But as long as it is low, it will be felt and be a match for psychopaths. 

You will think that you are now sensitive to abusive tactics, but in your subconscious is programming that desensitized you to them. You have been brainwashed into believing that you should tolerate certain behaviors.

Your self esteem has been crushed and your subconscious brain still believes that you need to tolerate abuse in order to prove that you love someone. 

You have to get to the point where you are comfortable alone with yourself. You have to get through the healing process until you are able to take good care of yourself. Self love is critical in order to not fall for a predator again. 

If you are still thinking of ways to be good enough for someone else, then you are not ready. When you think someone should be good enough for you, then you are on the right track. 

You are special. If you were no special in some way, a psychopath would not have preyed in you and kept you for so long. You were someone they wanted to break, because you have qualities that the narcissist will never have. 

Healing from abuse is a process with many layers.

At some point you will realize that you need to heal old emotional wounds that go back to a time way before you ever met your abuser. These wounds need to be brought to the surface and cared for. 

Your inner child is probably fractured in some way.

Emotional wounds cause fractures of the whole person. These fractured parts need to be integrated. The inner child that was traumatized needs to be nurtured. No one can do that work for you, but you can be guided in doing that work yourself. 

Blessings for peace of mind,

Annie

For more information about healing from narcissistic abuse visit my web site gentlekindnesscoaching.com