abuse, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, healing after narcissistic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic psychopath, overcoming narcissistic abuse, poetry, Uncategorized

Vampire

Things you drained from me…

My worth

My time

My love

My mind

My patience

My intellect

My passion

My common sense

My hope

My dreams

My tears

in streams

My fairness

My strength

My happiness

My pain

You sucked my soul

Like a vampire feeds

With no remorse

For your insidious deeds

abuse, depression, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, mental abuse, mental illness, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome, narcissistic psychopath, overcoming narcissistic abuse, psychopaths, PTSD from domestic abuse, Uncategorized

Vulnerability without Shame

You can be compassionate and have great empathy for others, and still have strong personal boundaries. You deserve to have dignity and for others to treat you with respect.

Setting boundaries with people is not selfish. Loving yourself is not selfish. 

We have been conditioned to say “yes” to people, when they are insistent with us. This is especially true for people who come from emotional abuse. But the person who is insistent about things that make you uncomfortable is not being loving to you. 

Love those that are loving. Care for those who are capable of caring. I love Brene Brown and her work on vulnerability, shame and empathy. Sharing your strengths and your struggles with people is being vulnerable, and it can have a healing effect on others. But you have the right to have personal boundaries and you have the right to say NO to people about things. 

You do not have to provide people with reasons that they agree are valid. If someone discounts your reality, then they are not being loving. You do not have to serve their agenda. Save your energy for those who are loving. 

Brene Brown talks about the culture we live in which promotes shame for not being perfect enough, or for being the person that the media says we should be. 

 

 

abuse, abusive men, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, anti-social personality disorder, dating a narcissist, dating an abusive guy, emotional abuse, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, malignant narcissistic personality disorder, mental abuse, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic psychopath, Narcissists, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Psychopath, PTSD from domestic abuse, red flags of a narcissist, Uncategorized, victim of narcissist, women abuse, women in history, women's history month, women's issues

Victim Blaming and Re-traumatizing Abuse Victims

Being in an intimate relationship with a psychpath awakens your reality to a darkness you never knew existed. You always knew that there were serial killers and rapists in the world, but you never knew they could be hidden behind a charming exterior.

You consented to being close to the person they presented themselves to be. But you never consented to being intimate with someone who carries darkness within them.

When you hear people say that you chose to be in a relationship with an abuser, it is confusing and re-traumatizing. They make their point by saying that you had free will and walked into the relationship with open eyes.

They do not understand the mind manipulatiin of a psychopath and how your reality was very different at the beginning of the relationship than it is now.

Not only do you have to come to terms with the cognitive dissonance of the two different realities…the person you thought you were sleeping with….and the person you were actually sleeping with……

You now have to listen to this other proposed reality that you went into the relationship with an abuser with open eyes and free choice.

Only two kinds of people would say this to you….Pathological narcissists….and very closed minded judgemental people who think they are better than you, because of course…it would never have happened to them!

The narcissists that post comments like this on the youtube blogs of survivors are sadistically gaslighting the victims. They are intentionally twisting your reality,  which they are fully aware has already been twisted by one of “their kind.”

Victim blaming is most often instigated by pathological narcissists. Other people may believe their lies because they are being manipulated by the narcissist. So the very people saying that no one can have their mind manipulated….are having their own minds manipulated….and their beliefs fed to them by a narcissist.

 

abuse, abuse red flags, abusive men, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, dating an abusive guy, devaluation, domestic abuse, domestic violence, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic psychopath, Narcissists, narcopath, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Psychopath, psychopathic abuse, Uncategorized, verbal abuse, women abuse, women in history, women's history month

Women’s History Month and Abuse Awareness

Just posted on Tumblr Narcissistic Abuse Blog

Abuse of Women and How it Has Influenced Women’s History

As part of women’s history month we have to realize the importance of domestic abuse, partner abuse and rape. The awareness of abuse of women needs to be highlighted. More awareness is needed.

Victim blaming and myths about abuse victims needs to be an important part of women’s history month. How many women have had their lives cut short due to a violent partner? 

How many women have been emotionally abused with gaslighting and intentional brainwashing tactics by a predator who targeted them? 

What great things might these women have accomplished, had they not been controlled and manipulated by an abusive partner?

How many potential contributions to human kind have been interfered with, by an abuser who crushed down the self esteem and undermined her ability to follow her dreams?

Awareness of mental, emotional and other kinds of abuse of women, needs to be addressed and light needs to be shed on how this has affected women’s history, and continues to do so. 

abuse, abuse poetry, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, narcissism, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome, narcissistic psychopath, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, Narcissists, overcoming narcissistic abuse, people pleaser syndrome, poetry, psychopathic abuse, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse, Uncategorized

Somebody

I looked at things in a certain way

Because somebody told me I should

I averted my gaze when I should have looked

Because somebody told me to turn

I walked away when I should have stayed

Because somebody told me to go

I denied myself and I suffered pain

Because somebody told me to suffer

I worked too hard …or not at all

Because somebody said it was right

I listened to the programs in my brain

Because somebody said they were mine…

I lost myself, and people I loved

Because someone said,

“Don’t waste your time”

I ignored the gnawing in my gut

Because somebody said not to listen

I went down paths that didn’t feel right

Because somebody said it was safe…

But Somebodies do not save you

When the actions you did betray you

And Somebody doesn’t know you

like you need to know yourself

And somebody else’s agenda will just

End you up in mental hell

abuse, abusive relationships, dating a narcissist, dating an abusive guy, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, health and wellness, healthy relationships after domestic abuse, leaving an abuser, malignant narcissistic personality disorder, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic psychopath, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, overcoming narcissistic abuse, teen abusive relationships, Uncategorized, women abuse

Avoiding Abusive Relationships for Teens

When you are a teenager, or a preteen, you are learning about yourself and also learning about what kinds of people you like to be around. You are hopefully living a happy, healthy life, but I realize that many of you are not living a home life that is mentally healthy.

Some of you have supportive parents and others of you have abusive parents. Whether they abuse is physical, sexual or mental / emotional , any kind of  abuse will affect your judgement about selecting friends and boyfriends / girlfriends.

You have to know who you are. You are on a path of self discovery. As you learn about yourself, you also need to believe in yourself.

You are still developing your self esteem and your value system. You are still developing your personality and how you present yourself to the world. You are learning how to interact, how to attract others and what to do with them, once you attract them.

Here are some important things for you to remember, when you are dating.

1. You matter ! Your feelings and your thoughts matter.

2. Trust your feelings and your intuition. If you feel like something is wrong with w certain person, or a certain relationship, then listen to that intuition. It is there as an alert system for you.

3. Do not let others choose for you. People think they know who you are and who would be a good match for you, but they do not. You know what you want and need. NO one else can pick someone for you.

4. Do not choose someone, in accordance with  what the social group wants you to do. Not only will individual people want to “set you up” , but the social group itself may have rules about who you can and cannot date.  Be careful to think for yourself and not to let others think for you.

5. If you do not like being with someone, you never will. Do not try to force yourself to like a guy that you do not like, just so that you can have a boyfriend / or girlfriend. You are better on your own than with someone who you just do not like.  Do not think that you can Make yourself like them, by hanging out with them.

6. Relationships Should be Balanced. There should be give and take in relationships. It should not be one-sided, where one person gets their way all the time. One person should not be dominating over the other person.

7. No Abuse!  The No Abuse Rule Cannot be Broken. No one can abuse you for any reason that makes it okay. Abuse includes being physically rough with you. This includes talking you into sex that you do not feel comfortable with. 

Abuse is also any emotional or mental torment. If anyone is manipulative with you, by making you feel bad (guilty, shame, sad, scared) then that is abuse.

Abuse can be mental abuse, which could be trying to make you into someone you are not. Making you feel stupid, making you feel embarrassed in front of other people. Being nicer to your friends than to you. There are many mentally and emotionally abuse behaviors and you can read about them in some of my other posts.

8. Your Parents Can Not Choose for you.  Your parents may thing they know someone who would be a good match for you. Most guys will act a certain way in front of your parents, that does not allow your parents to see everything about them. There is not enough information that your parents can get from any girl or boy that you like, in order to know how they will treat you.

PLEASE NOTE – If you have good parents that are not abusive, they will be looking out for you. I did say that they cannot choose someone for you, however they can WARN YOU if someone seems to be abusive or a very bad match for you. When you have feelings for someone, it is easy to miss red flags, but your parents may pick up on them.

9. Communication is Very ImportantYou should be able to communicate with the person you are dating, You should be able to talk about your thoughts, opinions and your feelings.

If they shut you down, and do not care about your feelings, then you should move on and let them go.

If they always have to be right and do not want your opinions or thoughts about things, they are a potential abuser and you need to get out.

10. It is okay to be on your own. It is okay to not have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. You do not have to be with someone all the time, or at all. If you have recently come out of a break up, then it is good to wait a while before jumping into a new relationship. Your emotions need to heal before you will have a good perspective to make good choices.

It is ok to be on your own. You do not need to be with someone, in order to be cool. You do not need someone in order to be happy. In fact some people will make you miserable.

It is ok to be on your own, just because you want to. You have a  lot of things to do, with school, family and activities. Relationships take time and you may not have the time right now.

It is okay to be on your own. It is okay if no one has asked you out. There are always some girls who seem to get asked out all the time. You might be the one that no one seems interested in.

This is probably because you are a real person. You are not all fluff and puff. You have depth and intelligence. There will be someone that will really respect and love you for that. But the “click” people and the “popular”  crowds do not like independent thinkers.

Be yourself. Do Not Change to fit in. DO not change to get a guy. be yourself and the right guy will come along. You would not be happy with these superficial people anyway. You would be frustrated and bored.

You need someone with some depth and intelligence. You will have to wait patiently until that special person comes along, because there are not as many independent thinkers as there are “crowd pleasers”

Guess what? This guy is also wondering where you are ! He is somewhere with people that he does not fit in with. He is the one not getting asked out,  because he does not fit in with the group. They are waiting to meet you. 

abuse, abuse red flags, abusive men, abusive relationships, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, anti-social personality disorder, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, narcissistic psychopath, Narcissists, narcopath, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Psychopath, psychopathic abuse, Uncategorized

Another Red Flag of a Psychopath

 

image chef beware
Beware of someone who tells you about how their friends or coworker say nice things about them, as a way to tell you how great they are. But then you never actually meet these people.
You may never meet these friends, employees or coworkers. Or you may eventually you find out that these people actually cannot stand them. You may find out that employees fear them, their family members avoid them, or that their “best friend” has been trying not to talk to them and the narcissist keeps harassing them. 
 
This is one of the ways the narcissist promotes themselves… by telling you what other people say about them. It is more believable for them to tell you what other people say, than telling you how great they are themselves.  So they make up things and say that other people say them.
They keep parts of their lives, and people separated so that they can lie about what other people say. They use this to impress you with what other supposedly say about them. They also use this to tell you that others abused them. 
So, just be careful about someone who does a lot of talking about themselves by way of telling you what other people think about them. It can be a red flag. See what happens when you ask to meet these people and if the relationships seem to match what they told you.

Originally posted on the facebook page for gentlekindnesscoaching.com

https://www.facebook.com/gentlekindnesscoaching/

abuse, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, anti-social personality disorder, dating a narcissist, devaluation, domestic abuse, domestic violence, gaslighting, healing from narcissistic abuse, hoovering, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic psychopath, narcopath, no contact, no contact from narcissist, overcoming narcissistic abuse, post traumatic stress disorder from domestic abuse . mental abuse, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse, red flags of a narcissist, tactics of the narcissist to manipulate, Uncategorized, victim of narcissist

Betrayal by the Narcissist

The aftermath of narcissistic abuse can be brutal…even worse than the abuse when you were in the relationship. If you are wondering why you seem to be in worse shape now, than when you were in the relationship, you are not alone.

The narcissist intentionally caused you to become addicted to your role, and your identity, that they made you accept. During the idealization phase they bombarded you constantly with messages and phone calls.

This was to intentionally alter your chemicals, in order to create an addictive bond with them. This is a very addictive bond, in which the brain and the body become dependent upon the dopamine release when you think about the narcissist, or hear their voice.

You were conditioned to crave this interaction, their approval, and their validation of your reality. Within a month or so, your brain began to be unable to regulate your stress level without the narcissist regulating them for you.

This is part of their design. The narcissistic psychopath  intentionally creates a chemical addiction in you. This makes their Silent Treatments, and dissapprovals , during the Devaluation phase that much more painful.

After all….is there any relationship you have ever bern in…other than with a narcissist or a psychopath…that caused you such high levels of toxic loneliness, feelings of emotional disregulation, and mental pain…..when you were apart from them for a few days….or did not hear from them for a few hours, when they had promised to call….

This is addiction. It has physiological evidence in your brain. You could see it, if you had an MRI machine handy. This is intentional and this is what the Love Bombing is all about.

It is also why they revert….although temporarlily…to the idealization phase….anytime they feel they are losing their hold on you. By reverting to the idealization phase temorarily, the narcissist confuses your brain as well as creating a chemical explosion in you.

Those feelings of having that adfiction satisfied come back, and for that…you will not….and cannot leave them. Your brain always craves that next fix of chemicals and the narcissist knows this.

They intentionally use this addiction to manipulate you. They hold a power over you, like no other person can.

And when the relationship ends, you go into a terrible withdrawal of these chemicals that you were trained to be addicted to.

You crash fast and hard. The symptoms are similar to that of any drug addict that has been cut off from their drug of choice. It is not your fault.

It is not your fault. It was done without your consent. You never asked for this. You never saw it coming. You never saw it happening to you.

The withdrawal from narcissist or a psychopath is terrifically painful, and grueling to go through. You are the most vulnerable during this stage of recovery, to be hoovered back in by the apologetic narcissist.

It is understandable why victims go back to the narcissist, if they attemt to hoover them bac. In within the first six months. The chemical addiction and withdrawal symptoms seem to have a painful hold on survivors of a narcissist, for 6 months or more.

So why does your life fall apart? It is like what any other addict experiences. All aspects of your life are affected….from your emotional and mental states, to your physical health and immune system.

Keeping up with daily living activities is very difficult. Going to work is difficult. You become sleep deprived from insomnia, because your brain cannot self regulate your nervous system.

You are not crazy. A person that told you they cared about you, intentionally messed up your brain. They would do it all over again if they got the chance….and they may try…

Being tortured by someone you loved…and probably still love….is the worst form of betrayal.

 

 

 

abuse, abusive relationships, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, domestic abuse blog, healing after narcissistic abuse, mental abuse, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic psychopath, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, psychopaths, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse, red flags of a narcissist, Uncategorized, victim of narcissist

Darkness of the Psychopathic Narcissist

One of the things that people never believe, unless they have experienced it first hand, is how dark malignant narcissists actually are. The lengths they will go to destroy you is terrifying.

They will slowly convince you through gaslighting that there is something wrong with your mind…to the point where you actually question your own reality. This is very difficult to snap out of after you are no longer in tbe relationship, and impossible to fully detach from during tbe relationship.

Wondering about whether or not you are perceiving situations correctly is so terrifying that it can slowly cause physiological changes in the brain that are the same as various mental illnesses.

I believe that many people with mental illness were abused by a narcissist or a psychopath during their lives and have no idea about it. Children growing up with a malignant, toxic person do not have any frame of reference of what normal is.

Some adults realize that they were exposed to instances of abuse as children or teenagers, because the incidents they are able to identify are either  of a physical nature that caused injury, or of a sexual nature.

They are not aware of the constant mind manipulation and intentional gaslighting which occurred years before the abuse they can identify as abuse. The incidents of physical abuse are terrible, but there was continuous mental manipulation which caused the brain to begin to show signs of mental illness like anxiety disorders, severe depression, OCD, and suicidal thoughts.

Many victims of abuse as adults, are reopening emotional, and psychological wounds that were already caused during childhood.

Adults that cannot recall any physical abuse often do not see their abusers as abusers. There are narcissists that get away with manipulating their children’s reality, their self esteem, and their perception of the narcissistic parent. Narcissists want their victims to feel at fault for the abuse, making the victim unable to identify the abuse as abuse.

Those of us that came across the terms malignant narcissist, gaslighting, and mental abuse are in the minority. Imagine how many people are walking around, thinking there is something innately wrong with them, and they do not realize that their psychological state was inflicted upon them by another person, just so that person could use them to feed off of.

Malignant narcissists are not just arrogant,  delusional people. They are malicious, exploitative monsters that cause their victims to become confused about their own perception of reality….to the point that they doubt their own perceptions and cannot even identify abuse as abuse.

Is it any wonder that children brought up this way end up ensnared by another abuser? When the abuse begins, the victim doubts their own ability to perceive what they feel, see and hear. They discount abusive behavior, and are easily gaslighted into believing it is not abuse.

Psychopaths target people that have already been broken by a narcissist. They know what signs to look for. They know how to test you, in order to see if you will respond to their brainwashing.

You have to reprogram your braim to get rid of the viruses that were installed into you. Otherwise it is difficult to recognize abuse when it starts.

Predators look for the best targets for them to destroy. These people have an extreme darkness within them.