There are red flags that may help you to identify early on that you are with an abusive personality. If you are seeing a few of these characteristics then you need to assert some boundaries with them and see how they react.
If they fight you about having simple personal boundaries then you need to realize that you may be in an abusive relationship.
Tell them you have to go sleep early one night because you have a lot to do the next day. If they do not accept this, then there is a problem.
No one should give you guilt or shame you that you are not good to them, when you are doing simple basic things to take care of yourself.
It is not normal for someone to threaten to leave you or call you a bad girlfriend if you want to do things for yourself like take a class, do an extra assignment for school or work, or spend time with family or friends.
You should never feel manipulated by guilt, shame or fear. People that love you do not inflict fear or threats in order to get you to comply.
Here is a list that I have come up with from research and also from personal experience. There may be things that need to be added. Feel free to leave any ideas in the comments.
Keep in mind that narcissists are on their best behavior at the very beginning of the relationship, called the idealization phase.
Many of these red flags will not come up until the “honeymoon phase” is over in a couple of months. The best ones to look for early on are the ones that I put near to the top of this list.
Love Bombing and Pushing to be in a Serious Relationship Right Away.
Constant texting, calling, stopping over (calls you the second you get out from work or during work/ calls you while you are trying to get ready for work/ calls you first thing on your day off and wants to be on the phone, texting, or see you all day on every day off you have / calls while you are out with friends and you told them you would be busy with friends/ texts you when you said you would be at the gym….never ending constant contact)
Angry or very upset when you do not respond to texts and voice mails right away.
Never taking responsibility for their action – things are always someone else’s fault.
Chameleon-like changeable personality – a different personality for different people and situations.
They are always right and never make a mistake.
They hate to be told they could have done something better or differently.
Jealousy and Ownership of You.
Isolating you from family and friends(discouraging you from spending time with them/ getting angry when you do/ saying that those people are interfering somehow in your relationship/ telling you that relatives that you have known for years are out to get you and you did not realize it).
Need to control your schedule.
Never apologizes or does so in a sarcastic, fake way.
Need to know where you are at all times.
Telling you what to wear and how to look.
Control of the money ( you need to check with them before you spend your own money/ they question how you spend your money/ shame you or make you feel guilty over spending your money on yourself)
Criticism and disrespect of women (this may not be directed at you at first since they put on their mask and are on their best behavior during the idealization phase – observe how they treat other women who they have nothing to gain from)
Making you account for your whereabouts.
Making you ask permission or clear your activities with them.
Name calling and demeaning.
Complaining that the women at work do not treat him with respect.
Excessive monitoring and making you check in all the time.
Extreme sense of entitlement.
Unrealistic, and unreasonable demands.
Lack of sympathy and empathy.
Not interested in anyone else’s side of things.
Accusing you of cheating when you are not.
Blaming you for things that do not go his way.
Excessive need for control in the house.
Manipulating your friends and family to take their side in arguments.
Getting angry if you have a different opinion than they do.
Making you feel stupid and less intelligent than they are.
Being disrespectful to you in front of your family and friends
Visit my gentlekindness facebook page for narcissistic abuse and find out more about healing and overcoming narcissistic abuse
Come over to the Annie Mimi Hall YouTube channel and watch videos about narcissistic abuse, emotional abuse, and healing from abuse.
Experts on brainwashing will tell you that once a person has been broken down through deprivation of basic human needs and dignity, their reality is simple to manipulate.
Women that have been in abusive marriages for years can lose touch with what a healthy life would even be like. They lose touch with the reality that they knew before they became imprisoned into the hell they are living in.
Basic needs are denied by the husband. The wife is imprisoned in a way that it does not appear that way to outsiders. The husband puts on an act outside of the house. But inside, behind closed doors, the house is a fortress of whatever illusions he has created.
The prisoner knows her duties, her punishments, and her place. She lives in constant fear of angering the prison master.
Punishments are swift, cruel, and unjustified. The threats that are made to the wife if she dares to refuse compliance, are unthinkable to people who have never been through it.
People criticize women for staying because they are quick to judge, without understanding what really occurs inside the prison walls.
The prison master has been known to threaten the children with harm, should the prisoner try to make plans to escape. Prison masters will threaten to take the children away permanently.
The abuser, if he is a high functioning psychopath, can come up with all manner of punishments, and he has no moral regulation in any part of his brain to stop him from carrying out his retaliations.
Being in an intimate relationship with a psychpath awakens your reality to a darkness you never knew existed. You always knew that there were serial killers and rapists in the world, but you never knew they could be hidden behind a charming exterior.
You consented to being close to the person they presented themselves to be. But you never consented to being intimate with someone who carries darkness within them.
When you hear people say that you chose to be in a relationship with an abuser, it is confusing and re-traumatizing. They make their point by saying that you had free will and walked into the relationship with open eyes.
They do not understand the mind manipulatiin of a psychopath and how your reality was very different at the beginning of the relationship than it is now.
Not only do you have to come to terms with the cognitive dissonance of the two different realities…the person you thought you were sleeping with….and the person you were actually sleeping with……
You now have to listen to this other proposed reality that you went into the relationship with an abuser with open eyes and free choice.
Only two kinds of people would say this to you….Pathological narcissists….and very closed minded judgemental people who think they are better than you, because of course…it would never have happened to them!
The narcissists that post comments like this on the youtube blogs of survivors are sadistically gaslighting the victims. They are intentionally twisting your reality, which they are fully aware has already been twisted by one of “their kind.”
Victim blaming is most often instigated by pathological narcissists. Other people may believe their lies because they are being manipulated by the narcissist. So the very people saying that no one can have their mind manipulated….are having their own minds manipulated….and their beliefs fed to them by a narcissist.
Just posted on Tumblr Narcissistic Abuse Blog
As part of women’s history month we have to realize the importance of domestic abuse, partner abuse and rape. The awareness of abuse of women needs to be highlighted. More awareness is needed.
Victim blaming and myths about abuse victims needs to be an important part of women’s history month. How many women have had their lives cut short due to a violent partner?
How many women have been emotionally abused with gaslighting and intentional brainwashing tactics by a predator who targeted them?
What great things might these women have accomplished, had they not been controlled and manipulated by an abusive partner?
How many potential contributions to human kind have been interfered with, by an abuser who crushed down the self esteem and undermined her ability to follow her dreams?
Awareness of mental, emotional and other kinds of abuse of women, needs to be addressed and light needs to be shed on how this has affected women’s history, and continues to do so.
image from lawsofmondern man tumblr blog
It is extremely tempting to keep checking on what your ex is up to. They count on this and will intentionally pose for pictures that will bother you, and then post them on their facebook page. They want you to see them havint a great time with the new target.
The narcissists gets fuel (narcissistic supply) from knowing that you are jealous of their new partner. They will intentionally take that partner to places and activities they told you they would not do with you. This is to rub salt into your already painful wounds.
For all you know they dragged the person to those places and they did not really want to go. You know how powerful the narcissist is at manipulating. If course the partner is going to smile for the pictures, because they do not want to look bad on facebook.
You are being mind controlled by the narcissist. They want you to think that this time the relationship is real, and that you missed out because you were not good enough for them. But it is all the same game.
The pathological narcissists works in cycles. They repeat them over and over again. The idealization and devaluing….the triangulation of the new target with the ex lover. They gain lots of narcissistic supply from triangulating you with the new partner,because they are causing jealousy in both of you.
They are mentioning you to the new partner. Your name will likely come up from time to time, just so the new target knows they have to stay in line, if they want to keep the relationship. The narcissist will tell lies about you in any number of ways. They may tell the new partner that you are still interested in them…or that you were better at something that they are.
This is all part of garnering fuel (narcissistic supply). You are playing into their hands, just the way they planned, by checking on their facebook page and other social media. In order to heal, you have to go No Contact for real.
Checking their pictures and activities is still a passive form of contact. You need to heal and regain your identity. Unfriend them and let them stew about that. It is the best way to get back at them.
Charmed by his intelligence
Lured by the vulnerability
like a mother bear to a lost cub
What else could I do?
What other choice could I consider?
Couldn’t just leave him that way
all torn and bleeding
from the abuse and cruelty
in his past…
He needed to be saved…
He seemed to know what I was feeling
Like he knew me from another life
He understood me so well
Listened to me with a distant empathy
Heard every story, felt every pain
I opened everything up to him
Spilled out all my fears,
All my hopes, all my dreams
He listened to my weaknesses and said
Never you mind,
Better to accept them and
get them out in the open
You’ve been holding them too long
He made careful notes as he listened
My triggers, and my trauma
Kept mental notes on every fine detail
What would you think?
What would you assume?
It was true love’s patient virtue?
This was a confidant to be trusted?
With my life…
With my mind
With my sanity
Let me shed some light…
on the darkness
There are some people
that hunt for strangers…
Strangers that are sheep
full of passion, kindness
empathy, and lonliness
There are predators hunting now
as I write these very words
for you to heed somehow…
like your life depends on them
So you shall not bleed
From deep spiritual wounding
and psychological breaking…
My warning is true
Watch your step …unlike me
Keep your passion
tempered with ration
Yes, I will say it
Stay a virgin from
the psychopathic monster
He might be stalking you
Watching you right now…
Be warned and I tell you true
Once you have crossed
There is no going back
You can escape
by removing yourself…
removing your body
from the crime
but how can you remove
from your mind?
**an older poem of mine from last year
I looked at things in a certain way
Because somebody told me I should
I averted my gaze when I should have looked
Because somebody told me to turn
I walked away when I should have stayed
Because somebody told me to go
I denied myself and I suffered pain
Because somebody told me to suffer
I worked too hard …or not at all
Because somebody said it was right
I listened to the programs in my brain
Because somebody said they were mine…
I lost myself, and people I loved
Because someone said,
“Don’t waste your time”
I ignored the gnawing in my gut
Because somebody said not to listen
I went down paths that didn’t feel right
Because somebody said it was safe…
But Somebodies do not save you
When the actions you did betray you
And Somebody doesn’t know you
like you need to know yourself
And somebody else’s agenda will just
End you up in mental hell