Just posted on Tumblr Narcissistic Abuse Blog
As part of women’s history month we have to realize the importance of domestic abuse, partner abuse and rape. The awareness of abuse of women needs to be highlighted. More awareness is needed.
Victim blaming and myths about abuse victims needs to be an important part of women’s history month. How many women have had their lives cut short due to a violent partner?
How many women have been emotionally abused with gaslighting and intentional brainwashing tactics by a predator who targeted them?
What great things might these women have accomplished, had they not been controlled and manipulated by an abusive partner?
How many potential contributions to human kind have been interfered with, by an abuser who crushed down the self esteem and undermined her ability to follow her dreams?
Awareness of mental, emotional and other kinds of abuse of women, needs to be addressed and light needs to be shed on how this has affected women’s history, and continues to do so.
Charmed by his intelligence
Lured by the vulnerability
like a mother bear to a lost cub
What else could I do?
What other choice could I consider?
Couldn’t just leave him that way
all torn and bleeding
from the abuse and cruelty
in his past…
He needed to be saved…
He seemed to know what I was feeling
Like he knew me from another life
He understood me so well
Listened to me with a distant empathy
Heard every story, felt every pain
I opened everything up to him
Spilled out all my fears,
All my hopes, all my dreams
He listened to my weaknesses and said
Never you mind,
Better to accept them and
get them out in the open
You’ve been holding them too long
He made careful notes as he listened
My triggers, and my trauma
Kept mental notes on every fine detail
What would you think?
What would you assume?
It was true love’s patient virtue?
This was a confidant to be trusted?
With my life…
With my mind
With my sanity
Let me shed some light…
on the darkness
There are some people
that hunt for strangers…
Strangers that are sheep
full of passion, kindness
empathy, and lonliness
There are predators hunting now
as I write these very words
for you to heed somehow…
like your life depends on them
So you shall not bleed
From deep spiritual wounding
and psychological breaking…
My warning is true
Watch your step …unlike me
Keep your passion
tempered with ration
Yes, I will say it
Stay a virgin from
the psychopathic monster
He might be stalking you
Watching you right now…
Be warned and I tell you true
Once you have crossed
There is no going back
You can escape
by removing yourself…
removing your body
from the crime
but how can you remove
from your mind?
**an older poem of mine from last year
PTSD is a term most people have heard, but often they do not really know what it means.
If you tell someone you have PTSD, it may be hard for them to know what you mean by that, unless they have it themselves or maybe they have a close friend or family member with it.
People with PTSD have trouble with relationships, but not for the reasons people think.
Once you have been traumatized, and then re-traumatized by triggering situations, you feel generally unsafe and there is a natural tendency to want to retreat…back up your steps and run for cover.
People with PTSD can be re-traumatized by people who do not understand, and by people who are more concerned with their own agenda than really understanding.
When someone with PTSD has certain triggers, and explains those triggers to someone, it is important that they are validated and respected. If someone wants to care about a loved one with PTSD, they need to really listen to that person, when they talk about what triggers them.
*A person that intentionally uses your triggers against you is dangerous to your mental well being.
But then there are people who just don’t want to listen to or respect your boundaries. Your perceptions are not of an significance to them.
Everyone has personal boundaries, but people with post traumatic stress disorder can suffer severe re-traumatization when a loved one does not honor their trigger boundaries.
Some triggers cannot be avoided, such as loud noises that may occur independently from either person. However, talking someone into going to a loud dance club, or guilting them into going to fireworks, when it has been made clear that loud noises are triggers, is abusive.
People who have PTSD from the military, and people who have PTSD from domestic abuse have different causes for their symptoms, but some things are the same.
The fight-or-flight mode is activated by the amygdala. If the brain perceives a threat, even if that threat is not real, the amygdala will send chemicals into the body like adrenaline and cortisol.
The feeling in the body of a “perceived threat” and a real threat is exactly the same. The same physiological responses occur, including blood pressure elevation, and feeling of extreme fear and the feeling that you have to act right away.
Someone who had their jaw fractured by an abusive boyfriend, who suddenly stormed towards them in a fit of anger, may be triggered by someone coming quickly into their personal space, especially if that person is angry.
Once you have asked someone not to do certain things which trigger you, it is a terrible feeling when they still continue to do them. It feels very violating, and only serves to break the trust bond.
Relationships need to be based in trust. Intimate relationships, as well as friendships and family relationships have to feel safe. If one person does not feel safe, then there is a lack of understanding and a lack of trust.
Without both parties feeling safe, the relationship will break down. People with PTSD can find it difficult to trust again, after others have invalidated them about their symptoms.
Sometimes someone will disbelieve you, minimize your trauma, or accuse you of trying to manipulate them with your explanations about your trauma and your triggers. This is very painful and re-traumatizing.
People who have PTSD or C-PTSD from abuse were invalidated as part of the abuse process. Their emotions were minimized, disregarded and made fun of.
To have someone close to you minimize your PTSD, or disbelieve you is re-traumatizing. It gives the victim into an emotional flashbacks or actual sensory flashbacks.
You can only tolerate being traumatized and re-traumatized so many times.
Soldiers that come back from war only to be disrespected by civilians, or invalidated and ignored by the Veterans Administration, are being re-traumatized.
It is a way of invalidating a person’s reality. This has negative effects on the person’s mental and emotional state.
People with PTSD can be perfectly good and caring partners and friends. They just need validation, respect and understanding.
But after repeated re-traumatization, a person feels isolated and too vulnerable to take a chance on trusting another person again. This leads to self isolation, depression, and often suicidal thoughts.
Evolutionary psychology tells us that our subconscious brain feels threatened by the potential that we would be completely isolated, shunned or thrown out of the social circle.
A Little Evolutionary Psychology
In the past, humans lived in social survival groups called tribes. Being accepted and included by the tribe was critical for survival. Being shunned would have meant death !
Our primal brain (called the reptilian brain) perceives rejection by the tribe to be potentially life threatening. When we are feeling a similar kind of threat, it triggers the fight or flight response in our limbic system of the brain. The amygdala becomes active and send all kinds of alerts and chemicals into the body.
Technically, we could survive living alone and isolated these days, but we were not meant to live in isolation… especially isolation due to “mobbing” or “scapegoating” by the tribe.
This is one of the reasons that scapegoated family members, suffer such severe mental and emotional trauma.
People with PTSD need to feel that they will still be accepted by the Tribe (family, community…whatever applies to the situation…).
They need to know that their personal reality will be validated, even though it may be very different from that of other people. The experiences someone with PTSD has endured may seem strange to people that have not ever had that kind of trauma in their reality.
Isolation can cause death by suicide or “failure to thrive.”
Self isolation will almost always cause severe depression. But being re-traumatized is just as bad, and the brain will try to lead people away from that pain.
Our primal brains are designed to take us away from danger, or perceived danger….and towards pleasure. But the “away from danger” is the priority.
Re-exeriencing the feelings of danger, fight or flight chemicals and physiological responses, is not something that anyone could tolerate on a regular basis.
We were not built to feel in danger all the time. Being in a state of hyper-arousal all the time depleats the immune system and causes mental disorders.
People with PTSD need understanding and validation.
They need their loved ones to be sensitive to their triggers, and to pay attention to what the person asks and needs.
Otherwise. the relationships cannot continue in a way that is safe for the PTSD sufferer. The person with PTSD will shut down and crawl inside of themselves. No healthy relationship can be sustained without safety for both people.
I looked at things in a certain way
Because somebody told me I should
I averted my gaze when I should have looked
Because somebody told me to turn
I walked away when I should have stayed
Because somebody told me to go
I denied myself and I suffered pain
Because somebody told me to suffer
I worked too hard …or not at all
Because somebody said it was right
I listened to the programs in my brain
Because somebody said they were mine…
I lost myself, and people I loved
Because someone said,
“Don’t waste your time”
I ignored the gnawing in my gut
Because somebody said not to listen
I went down paths that didn’t feel right
Because somebody said it was safe…
But Somebodies do not save you
When the actions you did betray you
And Somebody doesn’t know you
like you need to know yourself
And somebody else’s agenda will just
End you up in mental hell
New post on the gentlekindness coaching facebook page
Psychic violence is an attack on your psychological well being. Psychopaths and malignant narcissists attack you in this manner, in order to make you spiritually weaker. Keep up some kind of spiritual practice for your own well being, whether it is yoga, meditation, drumming circles, church groups with trusted people, or watching videos that spiritually uplift you…ex. Teal Swan or Ajahn Brahm, the buddhist monk.
Image by Dr. David McDermott
Psychopaths are 1 in 25 people. That is a high number.
They are disguised as regular people….pillars of the community….coaches of your kid’s sports team….pastors of your church….your therapist….the local police officer….your surgeon…..your date from Match.com…
Learn the signs of psychopaths. Educate yourself about the red flags, their tactics, and the way they manipulate their prey. They think with their reptilian brain….you are the prey and they are the predator.
Psychopaths only blend in because people do not know what they are looking at, and they dismiss the signs even when they are right in front of them.
Stay safe and keep your kids safe. Psychopaths can be charming and they know how to press your emotional buttons. They get into your mind by eliciting emotional reactions from you.
These are people that you do not want to allow into your life. Once they are in, it can be hard to get rid of them. They retaliate on people that reject them in ways that you cannot imagine, unless it has happened to you.
More info – Follow my facebook page gentlekindnesscoaching facebook
Trauma from abuse never really goes away. It is a part of us that we have to live with every day. How that trauma affects us, depends on the person and the healing methods you are able to find that work for you.
Domestic abuse trauma is severe and can impact our lives negatively for a very long time. The attack on our self-esteem by our abuser was deliberate and insidious. Our abuser attempted to control our thoughts and behaviors by making us feel inadequate and ashamed.
The feelings of guilt, shame and worthlessness are carried with us, until we are able to acknowledge that we were truly traumatized and accept the fact that we sustained psychological injury from the abuse.
Once we can accept that we were not at fault, and did nothing to deserve to be abused, then we can begin to grow and learn how to cope with the mental injuries.
The scars of abuse will always be with us, but we can work towards reducing the open wounds in our emotions and our minds. When we have gaping, painful wounds, our everyday lives tend to revolve around them.
We try to avoid being “bumped into” in an emotional or mental way. Our brains cannot tolerate even the slightest thing that might re-traumatize us.
Anything that reminds us of the abuser, the circumstances surrounding the abuse, or how we felt during the abuse, may be intolerable. This may cause us to organize our lives around avoiding anything that might trigger a state of post traumatic stress. We will develop behavior patterns of avoidance and may be in a state of hyperarousal almost all of the time.
The hyper-arousal state is when all of our guards are up. We are constantly scanning our environment for possible threats. These may be physical threat or mental / emotional threats. Because of the damage our brains have already sustained, we cannot risk any more damage.
This is something we instinctively know. We know that we cannot tolerate any more trauma or any more re-traumatization.
When we are newly out of the traumatic situation, our ability to feel relaxed and feel safe has been compromised. There seem to be threats all around us. This is true for some victims, but every individual is unique.
Some people may go several months or more, without any noticeable symptoms, and then suddenly begin to show signs of post traumatic stress.
We lose our ability to trust our own judgement and may avoid any situation we are not sure of. We ended up in abuse one time and we are afraid to experience that again. We are also afraid to be triggered into having traumatic memories flooding back into our brains.
The memories of the abuse can be overwhelming and painful to us. We want to get away from them. There are people that remind us of our abuser in some way.
There are situations that remind us of situations we were in. There are also other things like locations, songs, sounds, sensations and objects that can remind us of the original trauma.
The individual triggers are different for different people. It is good to pay attention to what triggers you and be mindful of your reactions and feelings.
The more you understand about your own responses, be them behavioral or internal, the further along the path to healing you will be.
Here is a video from the Show Boundaries YouTube channel about a tapping technique that is for PTSD.
And here is a video from my YouTube channel about PTSD from abuse
For more info about healing from abuse, visit my web site at gentlekindnesscoaching.com
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It is bad enough that the scapegoat in the family has to suffer such abuse. In addition to that, no one in the family acknowledges that there is anything wrong with the way the scapegoat is treated.
The scapegoat can be abused by the narcissist right in front of other family members and no one seems to see it. They all share the reality created by the narcissistic parent.
In cases of a narcissistic ex husband, the mother of the children can be put into the scapegoat role by the father. He gets fills the children with his lies about the mother and causes them to join in his shared psychosis that their mother is the abusive spouse, rather than him.
This can also occur in reverse, where the narcissistic wife makes the father of her children the scapegoat. She lies about him and makes them see her treatment of him to be self defense.
Much of the abuse occurs when others are not watching. When an abusive conversation is restarted by the narcissist, in front of people, the scapegoat naturally reacts to try to defend themselves. But without the entire first part of the abusive interaction, the scapegoat appears to be overreacting and mentally unbalanced.
The narcissist just plays the victim and claims to be doing their best to deal with the disturbed, seemingly inappropriate behavior of their victim.