Experts on brainwashing will tell you that once a person has been broken down through deprivation of basic human needs and dignity, their reality is simple to manipulate.
Women that have been in abusive marriages for years can lose touch with what a healthy life would even be like. They lose touch with the reality that they knew before they became imprisoned into the hell they are living in.
Basic needs are denied by the husband. The wife is imprisoned in a way that it does not appear that way to outsiders. The husband puts on an act outside of the house. But inside, behind closed doors, the house is a fortress of whatever illusions he has created.
The prisoner knows her duties, her punishments, and her place. She lives in constant fear of angering the prison master.
Punishments are swift, cruel, and unjustified. The threats that are made to the wife if she dares to refuse compliance, are unthinkable to people who have never been through it.
People criticize women for staying because they are quick to judge, without understanding what really occurs inside the prison walls.
The prison master has been known to threaten the children with harm, should the prisoner try to make plans to escape. Prison masters will threaten to take the children away permanently.
The abuser, if he is a high functioning psychopath, can come up with all manner of punishments, and he has no moral regulation in any part of his brain to stop him from carrying out his retaliations.
You can be compassionate and have great empathy for others, and still have strong personal boundaries. You deserve to have dignity and for others to treat you with respect.
Setting boundaries with people is not selfish. Loving yourself is not selfish.
We have been conditioned to say “yes” to people, when they are insistent with us. This is especially true for people who come from emotional abuse. But the person who is insistent about things that make you uncomfortable is not being loving to you.
Love those that are loving. Care for those who are capable of caring. I love Brene Brown and her work on vulnerability, shame and empathy. Sharing your strengths and your struggles with people is being vulnerable, and it can have a healing effect on others. But you have the right to have personal boundaries and you have the right to say NO to people about things.
You do not have to provide people with reasons that they agree are valid. If someone discounts your reality, then they are not being loving. You do not have to serve their agenda. Save your energy for those who are loving.
Brene Brown talks about the culture we live in which promotes shame for not being perfect enough, or for being the person that the media says we should be.
Charmed by his intelligence
Lured by the vulnerability
like a mother bear to a lost cub
What else could I do?
What other choice could I consider?
Couldn’t just leave him that way
all torn and bleeding
from the abuse and cruelty
in his past…
He needed to be saved…
He seemed to know what I was feeling
Like he knew me from another life
He understood me so well
Listened to me with a distant empathy
Heard every story, felt every pain
I opened everything up to him
Spilled out all my fears,
All my hopes, all my dreams
He listened to my weaknesses and said
Never you mind,
Better to accept them and
get them out in the open
You’ve been holding them too long
He made careful notes as he listened
My triggers, and my trauma
Kept mental notes on every fine detail
What would you think?
What would you assume?
It was true love’s patient virtue?
This was a confidant to be trusted?
With my life…
With my mind
With my sanity
Let me shed some light…
on the darkness
There are some people
that hunt for strangers…
Strangers that are sheep
full of passion, kindness
empathy, and lonliness
There are predators hunting now
as I write these very words
for you to heed somehow…
like your life depends on them
So you shall not bleed
From deep spiritual wounding
and psychological breaking…
My warning is true
Watch your step …unlike me
Keep your passion
tempered with ration
Yes, I will say it
Stay a virgin from
the psychopathic monster
He might be stalking you
Watching you right now…
Be warned and I tell you true
Once you have crossed
There is no going back
You can escape
by removing yourself…
removing your body
from the crime
but how can you remove
from your mind?
**an older poem of mine from last year
Important things to teach our children
-to think for themselves
-think through the words and behaviors of others
– to listen to your own intuition
– feelings in your head and your body are always telling you something
-If something feels wrong it probably is
-If something does not make sense to you, then someone may be manipulating you.
-Balance is important in everything…especially relationships
-You do not have to pay now to benefit later in a relationship. It is an idea the manipulative people want women to buy
-Everyone is not innately good, although many people are
-Don’t overlook things you do not like in a relationship just because you do not want to be alone
-Learn to be happy spending time alone
-You are worthy of being treated special
-Anyone who tells you that you cannot do better than them is lying
-You never deserve abuse
-If someone makes you feel bad a lot of the time, the relationship is not food for you
-Your self esteem is important and anyone who cares about you knows this
-No one should be condescending or sarcastic to you in a relationship
-There is “no time frame” for having to fall in love, get married or be committed
-Someone who loves you will not pressure you
-Someone who cares about you will not shame or guilt to manipulate you
-Punishments and retaliation are not part of a loving relationship
-You should not have to change for anyone
-No one is going to change for you
-There is no “point of no return” about leaving a relationship
-Another person does not make you “whole.” You are already complete.
-You don’t have to follow any path just because someone else wants you to.