abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, overcoming narcissistic abuse, psychopathic abuse, PTSD, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse, Uncategorized, women abuse

PTSD from Abuse

Trauma from abuse never really goes away. It is a part of us that we have to live with every day. How that trauma affects us, depends on the person and the healing methods you are able to find that work for you.

Domestic abuse trauma is severe and can impact our lives negatively for a very long time. The attack on our self-esteem by our abuser was deliberate and insidious. Our abuser attempted to control our thoughts and behaviors by making us feel inadequate and ashamed.

The feelings of guilt, shame and worthlessness are carried with us, until we are able to acknowledge that we were truly traumatized and accept the fact that we sustained psychological injury from the abuse.

Once we can accept that we were not at fault,  and did nothing to deserve to be abused, then we can begin to grow and learn how to cope with the mental  injuries.

The scars of abuse will always be with us, but we can work towards reducing the open wounds in our emotions and our minds. When we have gaping, painful wounds, our everyday lives tend to revolve around them.

We try to avoid being “bumped into” in an emotional or mental way. Our brains cannot tolerate even the slightest thing that might re-traumatize us. 

Anything that reminds us of the abuser, the circumstances surrounding the abuse, or how we felt during the abuse, may be  intolerable. This may cause us to organize our lives around avoiding anything that might trigger a state of post traumatic stress. We will develop behavior patterns of avoidance and may be in a state of hyperarousal almost all of the time.

The  hyper-arousal state is when all of our guards are up. We are constantly scanning our environment for possible threats. These may be physical threat or mental / emotional threats. Because of the damage our brains have already sustained, we cannot risk any more damage.

This is something we instinctively know. We know that we cannot tolerate any more trauma or any more re-traumatization.

When we are newly out of the traumatic situation, our ability to feel relaxed and feel safe has been compromised. There seem to be threats all around us. This is true for some victims, but every individual is unique.

Some people may go several  months or more,  without any noticeable symptoms, and then suddenly begin to show signs of post traumatic stress.

We lose our ability to trust our own judgement and may avoid any situation we are not sure of. We ended up in abuse one time and we are afraid to experience that again. We are also afraid to be triggered into having traumatic memories flooding back into our brains.

The memories of the abuse can be overwhelming and painful to us. We want to get away from them. There are people that remind us of our abuser in some way.

There are situations that remind us of situations we were in. There are also other things like locations, songs, sounds, sensations and objects that can remind us of the original trauma.

The individual triggers are different for different people. It is good to pay attention to what triggers you and be mindful of your reactions and feelings.

The more you understand about your own responses, be them behavioral or internal, the further along the path to healing you will be.

Here is a video from the Show Boundaries YouTube channel about a tapping technique that is for PTSD. 

And here is a video from my YouTube channel about PTSD from abuse

For more info about healing from abuse, visit my web site at gentlekindnesscoaching.com

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abuse, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, anti-social personality disorder, emotional abuse, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, malignant narcissistic personality disorder, mental abuse, mental illness, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Psychopath abusive relationship, PTSD, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse, Uncategorized

Finding Your Inner Voice After Abuse

It takes practice and patience to learn to hear your own intuition and inner voice, after you have been conditioned over time to ignore your own true perceptions. 

 You have a wisdom inside of you that is compassionate and intelligent. You can choose to perceive yourself and the world around you in a whole new way !

The narcissist tried to silence your voice, minimize it, confuse it and discredit it. But you still have an inner voice inside of you…. that can lead you in ways that will support your mental and emotional health. 

Feel your senses and what they are telling you.

Every sensation is part of your guidance system. If something feels wrong, it probably is.

You can Learn How to Over-ride the Untrue Perceptions 

Learn to trust your intuition and to hear your own guiding voice. There are other voices in your head, but you can learn to tell which one is your own. Programming put into your brain during childhood emotional and mental abuse will cause the negative “tapes” that play inside your head. 

Negative tapes playing in your head, are just left over voices with false information from other people.

Things you hear yourself thinking that are negative about yourself, are like computer viruses that were put into your brain, without your consent!

When you are very young, you depend on your parents and caretaker to interpret the world for you. You turn to them to explain the meaning of things that happen.

Children need to know they have innate value, that is detached from mistakes they make or things they do. You have innate value. The things you do or do not do, do not change your true worth as a person.

Once you know that you have worth, then you will be able to do and try things you could never have imagined you could do !

Self Soothing

Self soothing is an important skill that people who grew up in emotionally abusive households, never were taught. You were not taught to sooth yourself, but rather you were taught to berate yourself and shame yourself. 

Children and teenagers need guidance to learn how to sooth themselves, when something bad happens. If you have C-PTSD from mental abuse as a child, then your feelings about bad things that happened to you were minimized, criticized and called selfish.

Learning what selfish is Not

You need to learn that it is not selfish to set boundaries, and to protect your emotional and mental health. You have every right to take care of your own brain and your own heart.

If you grew up in an abusive environment, then you were told it was selfish when you tried to express your feelings about the things that were happening around you. The controlling parent wanted everything to revolve around them. They never considered your feelings about decisions they made, or their behaviors. 

You probably developed “emotophobia” from being shut down every time you expressed your feelings about ad things that happened. Even expressing good feelings like joy, and self esteem were crushed down, and called selfish. 

The Shaming Voice

Shaming is one of the worst of the “viruses” that was programmed into you. No one self shames naturally. Babies do not come into the world feeling shame. 

Parents that are manipulative, narcissistic, and mentally abusive, shame you for things that you should not have had to feel bad about. Now as an adult, you still hear those voices in your head anytime you make a mistake, or even do anything that elicits a negative reaction from other people.

What Thoughts are Your Own?

Thoughts that you are a bad person, that you are inadequate, and that you will fail when you try to do something….these were programmed into you over years of negative reactions to you by your caretakers and people you trusted to love you. 

Other people may have added to your negative perceptions about yourself. Teachers, bullies that were your peers, abusive babysitters and other people that you were exposed to as a child, may have added their own toxic spice to your view of yourself.

When you feel passionate about doing something that you feel called to do…

When you feel confident about something you want to give to the world…

When you know just for a second that you have something special to offer to the world, because only you have the unique gifts that you were born with….

When you feel called to help someone else, or other people in some way, by using your own ideas, knowledge, love, and other gifts…

These things are your own voice and you can tell because these thoughts support you.

But…..

When that thought comes in that tells you that …

you are not good enough

you are inadequate

there is something wrong with you 

you do not deserve to be happy

you have nothing special to offer

you will just screw it up so why bother trying…

These are the NOT your own thoughts and you can tell because they do not support you. 

You have my permission….to give yourself permission to….. Let Go of All Thoughts and Behaviors that No Longer Support You.
Just because someone told you that these negative perceptions about yourself were true, does not make them true!

Emotional Wounds

Living in an abusive, chaotic traumatic childhood left emotional wounds on your heart. These wounds are carried around by you.

They are fed by the negative thoughts that someone once told you were true. Thoughts that you are not good enough. Thoughts that the world around you cannot be trusted and that you should shut yourself down and never try to bloom into the beautiful flower that you really are. 

Abusive Partners Re-open Old Emotional Wounds

Old emotional wounds were reinforced by any abusive partners you ended up with as an adult.

Abusive partners are highly skilled at identifying and re-opening old emotional wounds. Narcissist and psychopaths target people who are carrying emotional wounds from childhood. They can identify you from other people.

Abusers know how to gain your trust , so that you will reveal all of your weaknesses and wounds to them. Then they will turn the table and throw salt in your wounds, in order to control you.

Your reptilian (primal) brain always tries to keep you away from danger. The abuser know how to activate that fight or flight mode in your brain, and make you feel in danger.

The reopening of emotional wounds is so painful, that it is one of the favorite tools of the narcissist to use against you. 

They will make it clear to you that they will injure you in the worst possible ways, if you do not comply with them. They will use your old wounds against you, by threatening to, and by throwing salt into them.

You will want to avoid this pain by any means possible, and then you will comply with them in order not to have to be re-traumatized by someone recreating your past trauma for you.

You Can Self Generate Feelings of Self Worth

Once you realize that the negative programs in your brain, are not true, then you can begin to re-write these programs in ways that best support you. You never learned to self generate feelings of self worth, but you can learn now.

If you want to find out more…please visit my web site gentlekindnesscoaching.com and add your name to the email list.  ……Also you can follow me on my gentlekindnesscoaching facebook page !

domestic abuse, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome, narcopath, post traumatic stress disorder from domestic abuse . mental abuse, psychopathic abuse, PTSD

Domestic Abuse, Narcissistic abuse and PTSD

Triggers suck.

Domestic Abuse, narcissistic abuse, mental abuse, emotional abuse….all can cause PTSD . You will end up with emotional flashbacks that are triggered by certain things that remind your brain of danger or trauma.

For people into NLP triggers are called NLP anchors. The difference is that NLP anchors can be good or bad. They might be pre- existing from a past trauma or created to ease the effects of trauma.

They can be put into your mind intentionally to bring about a certain mood or mental state. This is a functional or a therapeutical use for them.

Back in the days of Pavlov, triggers were discovered as a tool for behavioral modification. You know…Pavlov’s dog.

Every time Pavlov fed the dog, he rang a bell first. After a while the dog salivated at the sound of the bell even without the food being presented.

This is how our minds create associations between certain triggers and a corresponding emotional response.

I have ring tones that I hate the sound of. There are songs I cannot listen to. I had such anxiety connected with my ex calling me or not calling me that the sound of my old ring tone makes my blood pressure rise.

Some triggers are related to incidents and some are related to specific poem. Some triggers are related to time periods or ongoing abuse. Others are related to break ups from our ex.

There are some triggers that we are well aware of where they come. Other ones may be related to trauma from our past from when we were very young or even infants.

There may be triggers that create emotional flashbacks for you that are from periods of time that you have blacked out from your mind…or I should say that your brain blocked them out in order to protect you.

The first few weeks to months after an abusive relationship can be filled with startle responses and severe physiological responses to triggers that remind you of the abuse.

Although every so often I am out somewhere and a stranger’s phone rings with the very ring tone that is now taboo on my cell phone.

There are times when we suddenly feel severe anxiety and have no idea what caused the onset. This can sometimes be an emotional flashback to a trigger we are unaware of.

That is a very tricky one to figure out. You would have to write down all the sights, smells and circumstances that were around at the time of the anxiety attack.

You would have to keep a log of those things each time you had an unexpected, unexplainable anxiety attack. Then look for anything in common between them that was never part of your environment when you are calm.

To make it even more complex, triggers can have more than one component to them. It might not be candlelight or the smell of roses individually that triggers you. It could be the combination of the two of them that does it.

Certain emotional triggers can be healed or at least the effect can be lessened through NLP techniques. Other ones may be harder to deal with than others.

The ones that we cannot identify or do not know what they were caused by are the worst ones in a way. At least as far as there being any hope for treatment.

The more severe the trauma, the more severe the pain from being triggered

Talking about your triggers or unexplained emotional brain attacks is the first step to healing or at least lessening the feeling of alienation or isolation due to PTSD or Complex PTSD.

Know you are not alone. There are others of us that understand.

abuse, anxiety, bipolar disorder, depression, domestic abuse, poem, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse

Cover me with Roses

Cover me with roses

Cover me with pearls

Turn all of my light off

Let me lie and curl

Cover me with blankets

Cover me with lace

I “breath in”  dark and silence

Dream of elegance and grace

Cover me with solitude

Make the demands all stop

I can’t meet them today

I am all covered

Toe to top

Cover me with blankets

Cover me with pearls

I’m not the one they think

I am a tired little girl

Cover me with nothing

Cover me with all

I am not really here

You will not catch me when I fall

Cover me and leave me

Take sensation all away

The mental torment also

I’ll not come out to play

Cover me with roses

Cover me with pearls

Leave me to my solitude

I am not of the world

battered women, bipolar disorder, domestic abuse, domestic violence, insomnia, OCD, poem, poet, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD

Who Are They

Who are They to say we are…
too fat
too dumb
too afraid
too uneducated
too quiet
too shy
too loud
too impulsive
too set in our ways
too sloppy
too independent
too compliant

Who are They to say that we are only…
a nurse
a teacher
a stay at home mom
a working Mom
a playboy
a rebel
a womanizer
an addict
a mental case

Who are They to say that we can’t…
change jobs
change cities
change our minds!
get married
get divorced
learn yoga
dance
go to college
learn something new

Who are They to say that we have no right to…
talk to them
confront them
disagree with them
stand up to them
defy them
leave them

Who are They to say that we can’t become…
a poet
a businessman
an entrepreneur
a parent
a friend
a traveller
a lesbian
a mother
a spiritual advisor
a leader of men
a thinker of new ideas
a creator
a visionary
Ourselves

abuse, battered women, domestic abuse, domestic violence, life, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, narcissist, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, PTSD from domestic abuse, red flags you are dating an abuser, women abuse

Revisiting / Reliving Domestic Abuse… Understanding and Living with trauma

The aftermath of being in a relationship with a narcissist is riddled with revisiting the trauma and retraumatization. You may be well aware you are experiencing these things or you may not know why you are feeling and reacting in the ways that  you are.

You may react to things in a way that does not seem consistent with what is actually going on. This may be a reaction out of a traumatized brain to stimuli that is threatening to you, even if you don’t really know why.

Revisiting / reliving the traumatic events can be different for different people. Some people will be triggered by watching movies, seeing news articles or reading books about similar things that happened to them.

Someone who was traumatized by being constantly screamed at, belittled and called names may be triggered into a state of post traumatic stress by a tv show that shows a character screaming at and criticizing someone.

This kind of trigger is an obvious connection to the traumatic situation that the person endured.  Watching the character being treated in the same way you were treated, brings up the past feelings of helplessness, shame and confusion. Your brain may flashback to a time when you were treated in a similar manner.

Flashbacks may include vivid, detailed memories of what happened or instead  bring up the feelings without a clear picture. Sometimes the brain goes into a kind of shock that creates an amnesia effect.

You may have events or entire periods of time blacked out from your memory. They may come back over time, but I would never suggest pushing yourself to force the memory.

Anything that is an association to  your trauma, can trigger a severe anxiety state, called post traumatic stress. It could be a song, a noise, an object, or a location.  It can even be a type of situation. If you were repeatedly embarrassed and humiliated in a diner, then being in a diner at all (any diner) may bring feelings of extreme fear and discomfort.

You may never be able to eat in a diner again. That’s ok. There are plenty of other places to eat. You have to respond to your trauma with compassion and kindness.

Living with a traumatized brain requires mindfulness and compassion towards yourself. Be mindful of the things that trigger you, Be aware and allow your feelings to be. You may be able to do things, when you are further along in the healing process that you cannot do now. There is no need to retraumatize yourself by subjecting yourself to disturbing or anxiety provoking things.

Be kind to yourself. You deserve some kindness and acceptance.

Blessings,

Just Another Lovely Wounded Lady

abuse, battered women, domestic abuse, domestic violence, mental health, mental illness, narcissist, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, wellness, women abuse

Being Retraumatized After We Leave our Abusive Relationship

Good morning ladies ! Well actually it is 2:25 pm and I am still in bed. That’s the way it is going today. I am hiding under my covers.

I can hear the wind blowing too loudly. I live on the top floor of this old house. It is like an attic. The wind sounds different up here. It is so loud and it whistles and makes a kind of howling noise. There is actually a pitch to it, as if it is singing a creepy song, that might be in a horror movie.

It is funny that when I write out those kinds of thoughts that go through my head here, it is ok. But if I actually talk that way out in the real world, where the “normals” live, then my words are met with contempt.

Apparently there are people that do not want to hear you describe the wind or the fog in such painted detail. They do not want to hear your feeling about the wind making noises at you or the fog looking like it could engulf you.

Those are thoughts that I have learned are better kept to myself. So, when I remember to bite my tongue then I keep my thoughts to myself.  When I forget that my speaking of such things will scare the straights, then I get into trouble.

When you have survived domestic abuse, you have a different perspective on life and even the wind than other people do. If you are still in a domestic abuse situation, then I am  very sorry for you and I hope you find the support here that you need , to give you that extra push to get out.

When you have lived through months and years of another person tormenting your mind, it does something to you. It does something to your mind. I would not go as far to say that all of us are mentally unbalanced. I would say that we have been psychologically injured.

We have been psychologically injured in such a way that things do not have the same priority and perspective that they used to. We see things differently than other people. We feel things and react to things differently than other people.

We appear the same as them on the outside, but the damage is on the inside. There is a place where we are always bleeding. There is a place inside of us where we know we are different. We were broken, Our minds were tortured in a way that only other victims could understand,

I hear the sound of the wind, and it blows and makes those howling noises. It reminds me that I did not choose to live in the upper most floor of a house, with my ex in laws. I am terrified of top floors, to the point of a phobia.

If I chose my own place to live, it would be on a first or second floor. The wind howling reminds me that I should not be here at all. I should not have had to escape and hide from some. It never should have happened.

It should not have happened to me. It should not have happened to you.

The fact is that after leaving an abuser, we are retraumatized again and again. I am constantly reminded that I had to leave an abuser because I ended up living where I hate to live. I do not like the people and I hate the creepy attic.

I hate carrying my laundry down and up 2 flights of steps. I hate carrying bags of groceries, for 3 people, up 2 flights of long torturous steps. My arthritis is advanced and the pain in my knees and hips, when I carry things up and down the steps is torturous.

When we have to leave our abuser, we often have to settle for whomever will take us in. We have to go somewhere fast, because the level of violence is escalating in our house. We are in danger to stay there, so we just have to go somewhere to get away.

I am mentally tormented by these people I live with, that are supposedly loving family members and the grandparents of my children.

As adults, we should be able to choose where we live and how we want to live. As victims, we have to go to the only option we have that opens up first. We have to go where we are safe. But us being physically safe the same as being mentally safe?

Feel free to reach out with your thoughts in the comment section below

Blessings,

Annie