Domestic abuse increases in intensity over time. There are certain red flags to look for that often predict future violence.
Please know that any kind of restriction of your movement or freedom of mobility is abuse. If your partner is angry and blocks the doorway so you cannot leave and you are afraid to pass them, this is abuse. This behavior often leads to holding, hitting and other physically abusive behaviors.
Someone holding your wrists to keep you from leaving, or holding your body so you can’t move, against your consent, to keep you from leaving the room, is physical abuse.
Your partner sitting on top of you to hold you down, in anger, is abuse. If they accidentally “bump into you” hard enough to injure you, or to threaten or frighten you, this is abuse.
Verbal threats of physical violence are abuse. Damaging your property and punching holes in the walls to frighten you, is abuse.
Swinging their fist or hand, near to your face or body, to frighten you, is abuse. Other behavior which is abusive is taking your keys, or hiding your keys so you cannot leave the house.
Anything designed to force you to stay when you want to leave is abusive. This includes hiding your car or disabling your car. Also interfering with your car payments such as by intercepting your mail or computer payment.
Threatening your children, and implying threats to your children is abuse, and often is a sign of more escalated violence to come.
Pregnancy often escalates abuse. Children living in the house that do not belong to the abuser, is a red flag to watch for physical abuse, if other signs mentioned above have occured.
You should not feel threatened or frightened by your partner. It is not normal.
You should not feel like you have to walk on egg shells not to anger your partner. Love is not controlling and manipulative.
If someone loves you they want you to feel safe. Someone who loves you will accept you for who you are, and not demand you change for them and comply with everything they want.
Abusers feel entitled. They think of you as something they own. They expect you to know what they want and how they want it. They sometimes will intentionally change the rules without telling you, just to see you “fail.”
If any of these things sound familiar, please begin to find a way out of the relationship. But be careful about how you leave them.
Confronting a control freak partner can lead to sudden violence that you may not expect. Contact a women’s shelter so that they can advise you about safe escape.
This is a very good video about psychopaths in society. The thing that struck me about this movie is when they were interviewing people on the street about the word psychopath.
The only thing that most people think about the word psychopath is “crazy”. Most people assume they would know if someone were a
crazy psychopath” if they were to run into one.
Every day people interact with psychopaths at work, in school. in the community and in their family and social settings. They do not recognize the psychopath, even when they are right in front of them, telling them that their suit is perfect and that they look phenomenal.
Psychopaths can be charming and complementary to anyone who that they feel would be of some use to them. People are pawns. tools and characters in the psychopath’s play, that write as they wish.
Psychopath’s can seem like the “pillar of the community” and like the ideal person with good manners and etiquette. These people learn how to act by watching people. They learn that people have certain facial expressions that go along with certain appropriate emotions.
They watch and mimic people, so that their behaviors do not stand out and set off red flags that would make people stay away from them.
The “psychopathic bond” is very powerful. This is trauma bonding or it might be stockholme syndrome. They psychopath is skilled in getting you to bond with them deeply.
You stopped by this blog most likely because you have been in, or are still in an abusive relationship. Whether it is physical abuse, mental abuse, or emotional abuse, you are still going through a psychological trauma.
Trauma has certain similar affects on the brain that are experienced by the victim. The symptoms can continue long after the relationship has ended. Whether it was abuse by a partner, or from your family, or even at work, narcissistic abuse leaves scars.
Please visit my YouTube Channel for videos to help you to understand abuse, how to identify the red flags of abusers. and help with healing from narcissistic or psychopathic abuse.
You can visit my YouTube Channel HERE
Narcissists speak lies on a regular basis. They intermix lies with the truth and reframe truth in ways that confuse your perception.
One of the ways narcissists lie has to do with time and and amount. This one is nearly impossible to detect unless you are aware of how they do this.
Let’s say the narcissist wants to give you the perception that they have been thinking of you a lot and making a great effort to get together with you….
Narcissist Version -I have been trying for three weeks to get ahold of you. You are very difficult to get ahold of.
Perception they want you to have – They have been trying hard to get ahold of you and there must be something wrong with your phone or email. You should feel guilty or at fault for not getting their messages
Truth- They did not think of you at all for the last few days ( or weeks) and left you three urgent sounding, annoyed messages within the last 24 hours that they cannot reach you.
Here is another example …
Narcissist – I am surprised you are spending Thanksgiving with us. This is the first one you have spent with us for many years
Perception they want you to have -You apparently have a bad memory of the last several years. Their account must be right. You should feel guilty for being selfish.
Truth – You have spent every single holiday with them, including Thanksgiving and Christmas for the last 7 years with the exception of last Thanksgiving that you spent with your grandmother , who had not seen you on a holiday in 7 years.
Here is one more for you…
Narcissist – I am always apologizing to you. You are attacking my self esteem. I should not have to apologize all the time. You always think you are in the right.
Perception they want you to have – You make them apologize often. You never apologize. You always point out when they do something you do not like.
Truth – You are always careful not to point out when they are wrong. You walk on egg shells around them so as not to upset them. They demand that you grovel at their feet when you make a tiny infraction of their rules, even if you had no possible way to comply or did not know they had changed the rules on you.
The narcissist uses these tactics to achieve a few things. The main one is to shame you and “put you in your place.”
They know that if they can make you feel bad for them or make you feel guilty, then they can manipulate you.
Emotional manipulation is one of the favorite tools of the narcissist. If they can force you into certain emotional states then they can control you.
Another reason they use these tactics is to play the victim. They do this to redirect your focus from the actual victim which is you.
As long as the narcissist can appear to be suffering from your maltreatment of them, they can deny any intentional abuse of you. After all…they are at the mercy of your bad behaviors…aren’t they?
Here is a list of red flags that may help you to see early on that you are with an abusive personality. If you are seeing a few of these characteristics then you need to assert some boundaries with them and see how they react.
If they fight you about having simple personal boundaries then you need to realize that you may be in an abusive relationship.
Tell them you have to go sleep early one night because you have a lot to do the next day. If they do not accept this, then there is a problem.
No one should give you guilt or shame you that you are not good to them, when you are doing simple basic things to take care of yourself.
It is not normal for someone to threaten to leave you or call you a bad girlfriend if you want to do things for yourself like take a class, do an extra assignment for school or work, or spend time with family or friends.
You should never feel manipulated by guilt, shame or fear. People that love you do not inflict fear or threats in order to get you to comply.
Here is a list that I have come up with from research and also from personal experience. There may be things that need to be added. Feel free to leave any ideas in the comments.
Keep in mind that narcissists are on their best behavior at the very beginning of the relationship, called the idealization phase.
Many of these red flags will not come up until the “honeymoon phase” is over in a couple of months. The best ones to look for early on are the ones that I put near to the top of this list.
Love Bombing and Pushing to be in a Serious Relationship Right Away
Constant texting, calling, stopping over (calls you the second you get out from work or during work/ calls you while you are trying to get ready for work/ calls you first thing on your day off and wants to be on the phone, texting, or see you all day on every day off you have / calls while you are out with friends and you told them you would be busy with friends/ texts you when you said you would be at the gym….never ending constant contact)
Angry or very upset when you do not respond to texts and voicemails right away
Never taking responsibility for their action – things are always someone else’s fault
Chameleon-like changeable personality – a different personality for different people and situations
They are always right and never make a mistake
They hate to be told they could have done something better or differently
Jealousy and Ownership of You
Isolating you from family and friends (discouraging you from spending time with them/ getting angry when you do/ saying that those people are interfering somehow in your relationship/ telling you that relatives that you have known for years are out to get you and you did not realize it)
Need to control your schedule
Never apologizes or does so in a sarcastic, fake way ( my ex never apologized but when I brought up something that was bothering me he would say “I am always apologizing to you.”…
I would say “you are?” and then he would say “Yes and I am not doing it anymore. I am tired of you making me apologize to me.” …
And the funny thing was I was not looking for an apology. He jumped to that conclusion on his own. I just wanted to work on our communication.)
Need to know where you are at all times
Telling you what to wear and how to look
Control of the money ( you need to check with them before you spend your own money/ they question how you spend your money/ shame you or make you feel guilty over spending your money on yourself)
Criticism and disrespect of women (this may not be directed at you at first since they put on their mask and are on their best behavior during the idealization phase – observe how they treat other women who they have nothing to gain from)
Making you account for your whereabouts
Making you ask permission or clear your activities with them
Name calling and demeaning
Complaining that the women at work do not treat him with respect
Excessive monitoring and making you check in all the time
Extreme sense of entitlement
Unrealistic, and unreasonable demands
Lack of sympathy and empathy
Not interested in anyone else’s side of things
Accusing you of cheating when you are not
Blaming you for things that do not go his way
Excessive need for control in the house
Manipulating your friends and family to take their side in arguments
Getting angry if you have a different opinion than they do
Making you feel stupid and less intelligent than they are
Being disrespectful to you in front of your family and friends