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Living Conditions of Narcissistic Abuse Victims

Many cases of narcissistic abuse end up in the financial devastation of the victim. But long before the end of the relationship, the victim is living fat below what is humane and normal.

Because the narcissist does not see you as an individual human being with rights and boundaries, your living conditions are of no concern to them.

Basic needs for healthcare, spending cash, healthy environment, and safe living environment are often refused by the narcissist. The victim lives behind closed doors is despicable, inhumane conditions, that they are too embarrassed and ashamed to speak of outside of the home.

Even after the relationship has ended, and the victim begins to interact with other victims, this is a dark secret that is kept hidden. There is extreme shame about having to live in sub-human conditions and it is even hard to explain.

Since the victim is so used to being doubted and gaslighted, this secret is never talked about for fear of re-traumatization. The victim just cannot take any more minimization or disbelief of their reality.

They also cannot tolerate any more shaming than they have already endured from the narcissist, and from others who disbelieved any parts of their truth.

This post is just to let you know that other victims have also lived in sub-human conditions at the hands of a narcissist. It may be one of the most powerful ways the narcissist controls you.

When you are suffering just to exist, there is no energy for anything else. Your self esteem is completely crushed and you fear letting anyone into your home to see how you live.

This has the effect of completely isolating you from potential helpers, friends and anyone who might try to bring any light of truth into the dark reality tunnel the narcissist makes you exist in.

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Escalating Partner Abuse and Domestic Violence

Domestic abuse increases in intensity over time. There are certain red flags to look for that often predict future violence.

Please know that any kind of restriction of your movement or freedom of mobility is abuse. If your partner is angry and blocks the doorway so you cannot leave and you are afraid to pass them, this is abuse. This behavior often leads to holding, hitting and other physically abusive behaviors.

Someone holding your wrists to keep you from leaving, or holding your body so you can’t move, against your consent, to keep you from leaving the room, is physical abuse.

Your partner sitting on top of you to hold you down, in anger, is abuse. If they accidentally “bump into you” hard enough to injure you, or to threaten or frighten you, this is abuse.

Verbal threats of physical violence are abuse. Damaging your property and punching holes in the walls to frighten you, is abuse.

Swinging their fist or hand, near to your face or body, to frighten you, is abuse. Other behavior which is abusive is taking your keys, or hiding your keys so you cannot leave the house.

Anything designed to force you to stay when you want to leave is abusive. This includes hiding your car or disabling your car. Also interfering with your car payments such as by intercepting your mail or computer payment.

Threatening your children, and implying threats to your children is abuse, and often is a sign of more escalated violence to come.

Pregnancy often escalates abuse. Children living in the house that do not belong to the abuser, is a red flag to watch for physical abuse, if other signs mentioned above have occured.

You should not feel threatened or frightened by your partner. It is not normal.

You should not feel like you have to walk on egg shells not to anger your partner. Love is not controlling and manipulative.

If someone loves you they want you to feel safe. Someone who loves you will accept you for who you are, and not demand you change for them and comply with everything they want.

Abusers feel entitled. They think of you as something they own. They expect you to know what they want and how they want it. They sometimes will intentionally change the rules without telling you, just to see you “fail.”

If any of these things sound familiar, please begin to find a way out of the relationship. But be careful about how you leave them.

Confronting a control freak partner can lead to sudden violence that you may not expect. Contact a women’s shelter so that they can advise you about safe escape.



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Narcissists Lie to Shame You Into Submission

Narcissists speak lies on a regular basis. They intermix lies with the truth and reframe truth in ways that confuse your perception.

One of the ways narcissists lie has to do with time and and amount. This one is nearly impossible to detect unless you are aware of how they do this.

Let’s say the narcissist wants to give you the perception that they have been thinking of you a lot and making a great effort to get together with you….

Narcissist Version -I have been trying for three weeks to get ahold of you. You are very difficult to get ahold of.

Perception they want you to have – They have been trying hard to get ahold of you and there must be something wrong with your phone or email. You should feel guilty or at fault for not getting their messages

Truth- They did not think of you at all for the last few days ( or weeks) and left you three urgent sounding, annoyed messages within the last 24 hours that they cannot reach you.

Here is another example …

Narcissist – I am surprised you are spending Thanksgiving with us. This is the first one you have spent with us for many years

Perception they want you to have -You apparently have a bad memory of the last  several years.  Their account must be right. You should feel guilty for being selfish.

Truth – You have spent every single holiday with them, including Thanksgiving and Christmas for the last 7 years with the exception of last Thanksgiving that you spent with your grandmother , who had not seen you on a holiday in 7 years.

Here is one more for you…

Narcissist – I am always apologizing to you. You are attacking my self esteem. I should not have to apologize all the time. You always think you are in the right.

Perception they want you to have – You make them apologize often. You never apologize. You always point out when they do something you do not like.

Truth – You are always careful not to point out when they are wrong. You walk on egg shells around them so as not to upset them. They demand that you grovel at their feet when you make a tiny infraction of their rules, even if you had no possible way to comply or did not know they had changed the rules on you.

The narcissist uses these tactics to achieve a few things. The main one is to shame you and “put you in your place.”

They know that if they can make you feel bad for them or make you feel guilty, then they can manipulate you.

Emotional manipulation is one of the favorite tools of the narcissist. If they can force you into certain emotional states then they can control you.

Another reason they use these tactics is to play the victim. They do this to redirect your focus from the actual victim which is you.

As long as the narcissist can appear to be suffering from your maltreatment of them, they can deny any intentional abuse of you. After all…they are at the mercy of your bad behaviors…aren’t they?




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Narcissists, Psychopaths and the LAW OF ENTROPY

The Law of Entropy is defined by google as follows:

lack of order or predictability; gradual decline into disorder.
“a marketplace where entropy reigns supreme”
deterioration, degeneration, crumbling,decline, degradation, decomposition,breaking down, collapse

The  concept of the Law of Entropy is that everything decays, deteriorates, gets weaker, or falls apart over time. 

Narcissists believe that relationships follow this Law Of Entropy. They know in their minds that a y relationship is doomed to end after a period of slow torturous crumbling. The only question to them is who is in control of the deterioration as opposed to who will be surprised by it. 

Narcissists choose to be  the one who ends relationships before the other person can leave first. If the other person ended the relationship this would invalidate the narcissist’s need to be all powerful, all knowing and all desirable and sought after.

If anyone is going to end a relationship, it is going to be them.

Particularly narcissists that are co-morbid with borderline personality disorder fear abandonment. Being abandoned could inflict pain and the narcissist wants to be the one who is in charge of any pain that is to be inflicted. 

They take this Law of Entropy a step further and twist it into something that is sadistic. As long as the relationship is doomed and the victim is going to “turn on them” eventually anyway, the narcissistic psychopath will make the “devaluation stage” which is leading up to the discard, as painful and slow as humanly possible. 

The devaluation phase will not only prove the Law of Entropy…it will take it to a whole new level. This is the design of the narcissist and the psychopath. 

The relationship not only decays slowly and painfully, but the victim is broken down bit by bit psychologically so that when the “Zombie Witch Doctor” leaves the victim, they are a broken shell of who they once were.

The term “Zombie Witchdoctor” was coined by Richard Grannon and you can click on the term to watch the video where he describes this in detail. This is a great video that I would recommend you watch. It is not too long and you will see a new perspective on this issue of how narcissists break the victim down psychologically, as well as emotionally.

The Law of Entropy is learned by the victim. They are broken down emotionally, psychologically, financially, cognitively, and physically.

They are left with PTSD and a compromised immune system that causes them to develop sicknesses and sometimes disease. 

*Personally, I was hospitalized for infection of internal organs three times after my relationship with a psychopathic narcissist. In addition I was in the emergency room with life threatening infections at least 6 times within a 6 month period. 

The body does not escape the abuse, even if there is no physical striking, punching, kicking or bruising that can be seen by the naked eye.

When there are severe levels of trauma, and ongoing periods of forced fear, the body is flooded with too much cortisol and other stress hormones.

Check out this article about Cortisol and Adrenal Function. 

The victim’s cognitive function is been broken down along with their ability to work and function the way they used to be able to. 

Their Executive Function part of the brain is compromised. You can see my video about this topic HERE. 

The skills needed to get up, dust yourself off and recover from financial devastation are lacking. The narcissist will leave the victim in the worst financial state that they are able to. This adds to the suffering and the continued mental interference of the victim by the abuser. 

The Law of Entropy states that things will continue to break down over time,  until there is nothing useful left of them or they die. ‘

The narcissist wants to leave the victim is an ongoing state of deterioration, so that they will continue to get worse after the narcissist is long gone from the scene. 

They may even check in with you just to see how you are doing, in the hopes to hear how broken you are and how much of a affect they had on you.  This makes them feel all powerful and enforces their grandiose sense of self. 

Not only does the narcissist see relationships in relation to the Law of Entropy, they also see their  pathological space this way too. The term pathological space was coined by Sam Vaknin. I recommend that you watch his video about this topic HERE.

The narcissist tends to move more frequently than other people. Over time their narcissistic environment is likely to break down because of all the wreckage in the lives of people that have interacted with the narcissist.

Once the people in the area have become wise to the tactics of the narcissist, he can no longer play his game and has to move on. People may be actively trying to undermine him or otherwise seeking to out a stop to his evil games. 

The narcissistic psychopath will move on to a new location… probably a new state.

They will line up narcissistic supply ahead of time by visiting the new place and setting up their reputation there.

They will begin their love bombing and otherwise setting up the illusion about their false self that they want to be perceived. 

They leave the broken down previous pathological space behind and simply move on to a new life.

In this new life they might re-invent their false self or tweak their mask. Whatever will work to gain narcissistic supply in the new pathological space is what they will portray. 

And so it is with the narcissist and the psychopath. The Law on Entropy is one of things that drives their decisions.

They protect themselves and plan for the deterioration of their sources of narcissistic supply because they are like a vampire…and sooner or later.they will suck the blood from too many of the people in their narcissistic space, hence ruining the entire town, state, or area, for themselves.

Once it is used up, the narcissist will abandon the pathological space and never look back. The people they leave behind are “out of sight, out of mind” as far as the narcissist is concerned. 

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Which Red Flag of Abuse is the Most Important One? How Can I Know When to Leave Them?


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Red Flags You are Dating an Abuser

Here is a list of red flags that may help you to see early on that you are with an abusive personality. If you are seeing a few of these characteristics then you need to assert some boundaries with them and see how they react.

If they fight you about having simple personal boundaries then you need to realize that you may be in an abusive relationship. 

Tell them you have to go sleep early one night because you have a lot to do the next day. If they do not accept this, then there is a problem.

No one should give you guilt or shame you that you are not good to them, when you are doing simple basic things to take care of yourself.

It is not normal for someone to threaten to leave you or call you a bad girlfriend if you want to do things for yourself like take a class, do an extra assignment for school or work, or spend time with family or friends.

You should never feel manipulated by guilt, shame or fear. People that love you do not inflict fear or threats in order to get you to comply.

Here is a list that I have come up with from research and also from personal experience. There may be things that need to be added. Feel free to leave any ideas in the comments.

Keep in mind that narcissists are on their best behavior at the very beginning of the relationship, called the idealization phase.

Many of these red flags will not come up until the “honeymoon phase” is over in a couple of months. The best ones to look for early on are the ones that I put near to the top of this list.

Love Bombing and Pushing to be in a Serious Relationship Right Away

Constant texting, calling, stopping over (calls you the second you get out from work or during work/ calls you while you are trying to get ready for work/ calls you first thing on your day off and wants to be on the phone, texting, or see you all day on every day off you have / calls while you are out with friends and you told them you would be busy with friends/  texts you when you said you would be at the gym….never ending constant contact)

Angry or very upset when you do not respond to texts and voicemails right away

Never taking responsibility for their action – things are always someone else’s fault

Chameleon-like changeable personality – a different personality for different people and situations

They are always right and never make a mistake

They hate to be told they could have done something better or differently

Jealousy and Ownership of You

Isolating you from family and friends (discouraging you from spending time with them/  getting angry when you do/ saying that those people are interfering somehow in your relationship/ telling you that relatives that you have known for years are out to get you and you did not realize it)

Need to control your schedule

Never apologizes or does so in a sarcastic,  fake way ( my ex never apologized but when I brought up something that was bothering me he would say “I am always apologizing to you.”…

I would say “you are?” and then he would say “Yes and I am not doing it anymore. I am tired of you making me apologize to me.”  …

And the funny thing was I was not looking for an apology.  He jumped to that conclusion on his own.  I just wanted to work on our communication.)

Need to know where you are at all times

Telling you what to wear and how to look

Control of the money ( you need to check with them before you spend your own money/  they question how you spend your money/ shame you or make you feel guilty over spending your money on yourself)

Criticism and disrespect  of women (this may not be directed at you at first  since they put on their mask and are on their best behavior during the idealization phase – observe how they treat other women who they have nothing to gain from)

Making you account for your whereabouts

Making you ask permission or clear your activities with them

Name calling and demeaning

Complaining that the women at work do not treat him with respect

Excessive monitoring and making you check in all the time

Extreme sense of entitlement

Unrealistic, and unreasonable  demands

Lack of sympathy and empathy

Not interested in anyone else’s side of things

Accusing you of cheating when you are not

Blaming you for things that do not go his way

Excessive need for control in the house

Manipulating your friends and family to take their side in arguments

Getting angry if you have a different opinion than they do

Making you feel stupid and less intelligent than they are

Being disrespectful to you in front of your family and friends

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A Few Real Life Examples of Narcissistic Gaslighting

Gaslighting is a way of confusing reality in the mind of the victim. The narcissist wants you to believe things that will cause you to “Be Their Supply.” They need a constant of supply of people who will do the things that they want done.

You are part of their supply network. It might be for sex, but probably not just that. There are things you are good at and they want you to do them. They want your skills, your heart, your talents, and your submissiveness. People do not generally just submit to another person , at the peice of their own stability and their own needs.

They hate doing the “dirty work.” They have no patience for menial tasks and they want to delegate them to others. They want to delegate them to you and to their other friends.

You cannot say “no” without being shamed or made to feel that they will leave you. I some cases the retaliation is physically violent but it is always mentally violent.

The narcissist will make sure you do what they tell you to do. They will make you fear not obeying them. One method is that they will restrict you from something as a punishment. They may cut you off from sex, money, food, affection or emotional love.

It is not the restriction itself that is the gaslighting. It is how they get away with it. If someone asks you to do something for them (or not to do something) and then punishes you for not obeying them, then this will naturally open up a conversation about how you feel about that. The first time they attempt this, you will try to discuss it with them

When you tell them that it hurt your feelings to get the cold shoulder from them, just because you did not do what they asked. But when you tell them this, you will be punished.  They will begin the storytelling that will twist your mind.

They will turn the blame for the situation back onto you. You will become the one that was emotionally cold to them.  They are actually hurt and injured from your abuse. They will make something up and say that you did it. You have been “too busy” for them. You have not been listening to them.

This is so confusing that you do not know what to do with it. They will tell you how they are sensitive to being mistreated and that they are not getting their emotional needs met by you.

They will tell you that they have done nothing wrong. They should not have to apologize. Narcissists have trouble apologizing, no matter how wrong they were, or how much they hurt you.

Their behavior was not because they were trying to manipulate you, but because… they have been injured by your lack of concern and compassion for them.

You can hardly believe that they are accusing you of being emotionally abusive. You are always there for them and always ready to listen to their feelings.

They are the one that did not call you for an entire day because you chose to take care of something for your job, rather than doing something that they asked you to do. You really needed to take care of your job, but somehow this turns into a guilt trip on you.

But when you need something from them, they have no problem telling you that they have things to take care of for their business. Even at odd times of the day, when they have scheduled time to be with you, like at 2am. If they get a call, then that is the priority.

No matter how much you need them, their work is always a priority. But no matter how many times you have rearranged your schedule for them, you have no business telling them no, or being unable to answer the phone.

Their friends are a priority over you also. If their friend calls, they will hang up with you, in order to take the call, They will call you back when they feel like it. God forbid you are already on the phone when they call you. You are supposed to hang up your call, as soon as you see their message.

They will also promise you things, that seem to say that they really love you. You feel like, if you just keep helping them with what they need, then someday they will give you a beautiful life.

They just need you to work for their business for free for 15 hours a week, because they cannot afford to pay someone. But someday they will buy you a house and love you forever.

They give you the impression that you are working as a team. Anytime you do something for them, it is really to benefit both of you.

After all, if they lose their business, or lose their mind, they will not have anything to give you. You must preserve them, in order to preserve yourself. 

Every time you want to say “no” to them, it has a consequence. Not a normal consequence. A painful, frightening consequence. If you say “no” they will threaten to commit suicide, threaten to break up with you. tell you their business will fail because of you and then neither of you will have any future.

You are the only one who can save them. They cannot save themselves.

If you do not love them enough to help them, then they will suffer in terrible torment because of you. You and you alone will be responsible for their demise. 

They will create stories and lead you on, in order to manipulate you, into doing what they want. Then something about the story will not add up. When you question them about this, you will be met with blame-shifting. The blame for any wrongdoing will land in your plate.

They tell you that they are going to buy you a house in another state. Then they go on a trip with friends to see a property. You are anxiously awaiting their call, to let you know what the house is like and to communicate about it.

They do not call you all day and into the night. When you finally get them on the phone, they tell you that their best friend’s wife saw the property and she says it is just right.

You ask him, “How does she know that it is just right for us? Does she know what I was thinking of?”

He then begins to get cold and tells you “She is a real estate expert and she says it is just right. She knows about properties.”

“But her being a real estate expert is different from her knowing about me, and what I like. How can she look at a house and decide that I will like it, when she has never met me before. Did you tell her that you are planning to move into the house with me?”

This question gets redirected and avoided. “Well, I mentioned it, I think. The point is that it is an investment property and it will pay for itself. How do you expect me to buy a house that I have to pay the entire mortgage on? I am not made of money. Can’t you even be happy for me that she is helping me to find something that I can afford?”

Somehow you have been completely left out of this conversation, and it has turned to focus entirely on him. The talents and helpfulness of his friend’s wife have suddenly become something YOU should be thankful for. She is such a godsend! You should appreciate her instead of being so selfish and jealous.

Not only that, you are now insensitive because you want him to pay too much for a house for you. But where in the course of events, did you say that you wanted him to spend too much?  When did you say that you were not open to an investment property?  These issues have nothing to do with anything!

You were only concerned that a female that does not know you, was walking through your future house and deciding for you, if you would like it. She was the sole opinion on whether or not this house was going to be a consideration for you to live in. It is disturbing !

She did not talk to you and as far as I can tell, she did not even ask him about anything that you liked or needed. It gets harder and harder to believe that she even knew that you were involved at all. It sounds like he did not tell her about you at all.

No one bothered to take pictures to email to you. You cannot get any details about the property. You are just being selfish and “everything is not about you !” 

But the next day, when help is needed, he calls you and asks you to make some phone calls for him and set up contractors to come to the house.  He needs an estimate on lead paint removal etc. So, you make the calls and hope that he is happy with you.

No, it is never enough. You have to call them back because the time you scheduled will not work, even though you scheduled it, during the time frame that he told you. Why do you have to reschedule? Because your boyfriend also called another friend to talk to contractors.

The other friend scheduled one of the contractors to come out at 10 am, so now you have to call yours back to tell them to come at noon.  As far as you know, you were given the task first.

Your contractor was scheduled first. Why can’t the other person call and reschedule their contractor? And why was someone else making the calls that you were assigned to make, anyway?

Here come the blame shifting. “Can’t you even help me? I came all the way out here to get a house for us. I am working with all these people. I am very stressed and overloaded.  All I asked you to do is one little thing. Can’t you just be supportive?”

These are a few examples of gaslighting that sadly,  I know about first hand. I have more that I can share another day. I wish I had realized at this point, that there was a problem. I wish I had not allowed him to make me feel like I was not living up to his “very reasonable” expectations.

I wish someone had told me, like I am telling you. These behaviors are not reasonable or normal. They are confusion tactics to control you.

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Revisiting / Reliving Domestic Abuse… Understanding and Living with trauma

The aftermath of being in a relationship with a narcissist is riddled with revisiting the trauma and retraumatization. You may be well aware you are experiencing these things or you may not know why you are feeling and reacting in the ways that  you are.

You may react to things in a way that does not seem consistent with what is actually going on. This may be a reaction out of a traumatized brain to stimuli that is threatening to you, even if you don’t really know why.

Revisiting / reliving the traumatic events can be different for different people. Some people will be triggered by watching movies, seeing news articles or reading books about similar things that happened to them.

Someone who was traumatized by being constantly screamed at, belittled and called names may be triggered into a state of post traumatic stress by a tv show that shows a character screaming at and criticizing someone.

This kind of trigger is an obvious connection to the traumatic situation that the person endured.  Watching the character being treated in the same way you were treated, brings up the past feelings of helplessness, shame and confusion. Your brain may flashback to a time when you were treated in a similar manner.

Flashbacks may include vivid, detailed memories of what happened or instead  bring up the feelings without a clear picture. Sometimes the brain goes into a kind of shock that creates an amnesia effect.

You may have events or entire periods of time blacked out from your memory. They may come back over time, but I would never suggest pushing yourself to force the memory.

Anything that is an association to  your trauma, can trigger a severe anxiety state, called post traumatic stress. It could be a song, a noise, an object, or a location.  It can even be a type of situation. If you were repeatedly embarrassed and humiliated in a diner, then being in a diner at all (any diner) may bring feelings of extreme fear and discomfort.

You may never be able to eat in a diner again. That’s ok. There are plenty of other places to eat. You have to respond to your trauma with compassion and kindness.

Living with a traumatized brain requires mindfulness and compassion towards yourself. Be mindful of the things that trigger you, Be aware and allow your feelings to be. You may be able to do things, when you are further along in the healing process that you cannot do now. There is no need to retraumatize yourself by subjecting yourself to disturbing or anxiety provoking things.

Be kind to yourself. You deserve some kindness and acceptance.


Just Another Lovely Wounded Lady