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Love Your Partner Because You Want to…relationships after domestic abuse

Living with narcissistic abuse has an effect of making us feel unworthy. Many of us leave abuse, only to repeat the behaviors we learned from the abuser. The narcissist taught us that we had to give and give in order to be loved. We were not worthy of love simply based on who we are.

The narcissist taught us that we had to give unreasonable amounts to them. Unreasonable amounts of effort, unreasonable amounts of time and unreasonable sacrifices of our own lives. We were expected to give up the people and the things we loved, in order to prove that we loved them.

Constant sacrificing to the point of your own personal detriment is not love. Someone expecting you to sacrifice your dreams and the the things you love, is not love on their part.

We are worthy of love. It is not our actions and sacrifices that make us worthy. It is the person that we are. A partner should find value in just being with us, being close to us, being loved by us. There is no need for constant demands from someone. We should not have to give so much more to them, than they even come close to giving to us.

There should not be a balance scale or a meter that they hold up against us, to measure how many things we have done for them today. They should not compare us to ex girlfriends on how much we give. They should not compare us to other women in other relationships.

Narcissists are masters of deception. Make no mistake, they twisted the truth around in their favor. When they compared you to an ex girlfriend, they were not telling you the whole story. When they are telling you to be like “So and so’s ” wife, they are making that situation up too.

They demand not only for you to be perfect, but to be more than perfect. They do not want a perfect woman; they want a slave. The narcissist wants a slave that will be there at his beck and call.

They change the rules on us as we go. As soon as we think we have the perfect routine down that will please them, they change the rules. It is all about domination by lowering your self esteem. They do not want you to feel good about yourself, or ability to be a good wife or a good girlfriend to them. They want you to feel inadequate and worthless.  That is how they control you.

Once you have self esteem, then you realize that you do not deserve to be treated in the ways that they treat you. They wold lose their power ti control and rule you, if you were to recover your self esteem. The narcissist game is to constantly crush your self esteem down.

So, what does this mean for us once we are out? We still carry those feelings of being inadequate and worthless. We still feel that in order for someone to love us, we must be at their beck and call 24 hours a day. We must give more to our partner than they give to us. We must constantly measure what we have done recently for them.

In a new healthy relationship, we need to feel that we are worthy to be loved. We can do living things for our partner, but that is what they are…loving acts. If we do a loving act for our partner, it does not need to go onto a list. It is simply something we did because we love them.

When our new healthy partner does something for us, we need to feel worthy to receive it. They should be doing it for us, out of love. If they show us care and love, by doing something for us, then it is because we are worthy of that love.

Little by little, we need our self esteem back. It will allow us to be truly loving to our partner. We will be able to show them our love, because we want to, and not because we are afraid not to.

battered women, domestic abuse, domestic violence, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, post traumatic stress disorder, PTSD, PTSD from domestic abuse, relationships, self esteem, women abuse

Something to Remember When You Drink Your Morning Coffee !

My voice matters

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A Few of the Red Flags Explained …How to Know You are in a Relationship with a Narcissist

my property

There are many red flags that you may be in an abusive relationship. I have chosen some here to explain.  I will make other posts that go over other red flags.

Excessive and quick commitment to relationships.

Narcissists are like hunters.  They see what they want and they take it. Whereas most people will be cautious when choosing a long term partner, the narcissist will seemingly decide that you are  ” The One”  right away. There is no time of getting to know you. The usual amount of time from one level of the relationship to the next level are ignored completely. You date a few times and then they talk about moving in with you. They are very quick to asking you to be exclusive with them.

Extremely possessive and jealous, confused with love

The narcissist does not love you, they own you. They tell you that they are protecting you for your own good, by limiting and controlling who you talk to and who you socialize with. It is not unusual for them to tell you not to wear makeup when you go out. This is because they do not want other guys even looking at you. Most guys take pride in showing off their beautiful woman, but narcissist men.

Excessive monitoring

Do you have to check in with them every hour? Do they need to know where you are and how long you will be there? Do they become upset if you made a stop on the way home that they were not aware of?  Narcissists have to know where you are at all times.

Dominating time

Narcissists will demand your time, even when you want or need to do something else. They will interfere with your sleep, your studying, preparing things for your job, your social life, your yoga class and your me time. They will not be there for you when you need them to be. They will set clear boundaries about their sleep, their work schedule and whatever is important to them. Their things are important but your are not.

Extreme sense of entitlement

There is an extreme sense of entitlement. This is one of the things you can possibly pick up on, early in the relationship. You will see them become angered when their co-worker gets promoted over them. They expect to be treated better than any other customer at the restaurant. They feel entitled to things that other people get, even when they do not deserve them. This will flow into your relationship when you want to spend time with friends and your partner feels entitled to that time. They will not negotiate or compromise things. When they do not get what they want , they become angry.

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Domestic Abuse and Damage to Self Esteem

Domestic abuse results in mental breakdown. There is no physical abuse without mental abuse. There is no sexual abuse without mental abuse. There is no financial abuse without mental abuse. gaslighting is severe mental abuse and anything else that is targeted to destroying your self esteem, your individuality, your independence and your ability to think for yourself, is mental abuse.

The men that abuse women’s minds are doing it to gain control over your thinking process. They do not want you to have an original thought. They want you to agree with their ideas and their thoughts. They do not want you to have any independence. This would be threatening to their control over you.

They want to have someone to dump on and take their anger out on. They want you at their beck and call when they want sex, money or someone to rage at. They want a scapegoat for their mistakes and their faults.  Did I say “their” faults? Oh. I forgot…they don’t have any! Not according to them anyway.

If they are incapable of doing something, you must be to blame for it. You are not supportive enough. You are not picking up enough slack at home. You made them angry before they went to work, therefore, it is YOUR FAULT they lost their job! They would have been in a better mood at work and not “acted out” in front of the customer or their co-worker, if you had not caused them to do so.

If they have not had enough sleep, it is…Yep, You guessed it!…YOUR FAULT! again.  If they overslept, it was your fault too. If they are low on gas, it is your fault because they drove you to work yesterday.

The narcissist abuser is full of contradictions. You are lazy about taking care of their home, yet you are too ambitious about your job. You are slutty when you wear make-up out of the house, but you are a prude when you are not in the mood to have sex with them  (after they have been raging at you.) You are too demanding of their time when you need something but you are too unavailable when they want you.

The mental abuser wants you to feel inferior to them. You are not intelligent enough to understand things, even though you graduated from college and they dropped out of 2 trade schools. You are not as pretty as the other girls he dated but he is kind enough to let that go, because he is a wonderful man.

You do not keep the house clean enough or make dinner from scratch often enough. This is true, even if he is out of work and you are working double to cover his part of the bills. This is true even when he just got fired  and you are working extra hours while he sits home and sulks.

You can never ever, never ever be good enough. The house will never be clean enough. The meals will never be good enough. You will never be on time, even when you were ready early, because somehow you caused him to take too long to get out the door.

He is angry when you go to work and acts as if you are going to a party without him. His job is very hard men’s work but your job is just women’s work. You would never understand what REAL work is about. Women just think they work hard!

I was working as a nurse aide in a nursing home once. This is one of the most difficult jobs I have ever done in my life. It is extremely physically demanding because you have to lift people all the time. You are constantly pushed too hard and yelled at by the supervisors. You get attached to the patients and then you watch them die.

My boyfriend said… “Your job is easy. All you do is push wheelchairs around all day!”  This was after I had told him many stories about what I had done at work and had come home in extreme pain so many times from injuring myself while lifting someone.

There are constant snide and sarcastic comments at your expense. My ex once said to me “Are you sure you went to college? I don’t know what they taught you there. You can’t even pick out the “right” bread at the grocery store.”

So, yeah! That is life with a mental abuser. I have many stories from my own experience that I will share on this blog. I want to create awareness so that other women can identify the fact that they are being abused or that they were abused in the past.

We lose our self esteem and we feel like we have lost our minds because the abuser has a way of twisting reality around. They constantly change the facts, to suit their purposes.  Eventually you begin to question your own sanity, your intelligence and your ability to survive without them.

Let’s collaborate! Let’s put our heads together and figure out whether we are really stupid, crazy, lazy, slutty, and insensitive or if we are truly lovely ladies who have great gifts to offer the world!