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Victim Blaming and Re-traumatizing Abuse Victims

Being in an intimate relationship with a psychpath awakens your reality to a darkness you never knew existed. You always knew that there were serial killers and rapists in the world, but you never knew they could be hidden behind a charming exterior.

You consented to being close to the person they presented themselves to be. But you never consented to being intimate with someone who carries darkness within them.

When you hear people say that you chose to be in a relationship with an abuser, it is confusing and re-traumatizing. They make their point by saying that you had free will and walked into the relationship with open eyes.

They do not understand the mind manipulatiin of a psychopath and how your reality was very different at the beginning of the relationship than it is now.

Not only do you have to come to terms with the cognitive dissonance of the two different realities…the person you thought you were sleeping with….and the person you were actually sleeping with……

You now have to listen to this other proposed reality that you went into the relationship with an abuser with open eyes and free choice.

Only two kinds of people would say this to you….Pathological narcissists….and very closed minded judgemental people who think they are better than you, because of course…it would never have happened to them!

The narcissists that post comments like this on the youtube blogs of survivors are sadistically gaslighting the victims. They are intentionally twisting your reality,  which they are fully aware has already been twisted by one of “their kind.”

Victim blaming is most often instigated by pathological narcissists. Other people may believe their lies because they are being manipulated by the narcissist. So the very people saying that no one can have their mind manipulated….are having their own minds manipulated….and their beliefs fed to them by a narcissist.

 

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abuse, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, anti-social personality disorder, dating a narcissist, domestic abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, mental abuse, narcissistic abuse, post traumatic stress disorder, Psychopath, Psychopath abusive relationship, psychopathic abuse, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse, Uncategorized, victim of narcissist

PTSD and Re-Traumatization

PTSD is a term most people have heard, but often they do not really know what it means.

If you tell someone you have PTSD, it may be hard for them to know what you mean by that, unless they have it themselves or maybe they have a close friend or family member with it.

People with PTSD have trouble with relationships, but not for the reasons people think.

Once you have been traumatized, and then re-traumatized by triggering situations, you feel generally unsafe and there is a natural tendency to want to retreat…back up your steps and run for cover.

People with PTSD can be re-traumatized by people who do not understand, and by people who are more concerned with their own agenda than really understanding.

When someone with PTSD has certain triggers, and explains those triggers to someone, it is important that they are validated and respected. If someone wants to care about a loved one with PTSD, they need to really listen to that person, when they talk about what triggers them. 

*A person that intentionally uses your triggers against you is dangerous to your mental well being. 

But then there are people who just don’t want to listen to or respect your boundaries. Your perceptions are not of an significance to them. 

Everyone has personal boundaries, but people with post traumatic stress disorder can suffer severe re-traumatization when a loved one does not honor their trigger boundaries.

Some triggers cannot be avoided, such as loud noises that may occur independently from either person. However, talking someone into going to a loud dance club, or guilting them into going to fireworks, when it has been made clear that loud noises are triggers, is abusive.

People who have PTSD from the military, and people who have PTSD from domestic abuse have different causes for their symptoms, but some things are the same.

The fight-or-flight mode is activated by the amygdala. If the brain perceives a threat, even if that threat is not real, the amygdala will send chemicals into the body like adrenaline and cortisol.

 The feeling in the body of a “perceived threat” and a real threat is exactly the same. The same physiological responses occur, including blood pressure elevation, and feeling of extreme fear and the feeling that you have to act right away.

Someone who had their jaw fractured by an abusive boyfriend, who suddenly stormed towards them in a fit of anger, may be triggered by someone coming quickly into their personal space, especially if that person is angry.

Once you have asked someone not to do certain things which trigger you, it is a terrible feeling when they still continue to do them. It feels very violating, and only serves to break the trust bond.

Relationships need to be based in trust. Intimate relationships, as well as friendships and family relationships have to feel safe. If one person does not feel safe, then there is a lack of understanding and a lack of trust.

Without both parties feeling safe, the relationship will break down. People with PTSD can find it difficult to trust again, after others have invalidated them about their symptoms.

Sometimes someone will disbelieve you, minimize your trauma, or accuse you of trying to manipulate them with your explanations about your trauma and your triggers. This is very painful and re-traumatizing.

People who have PTSD or C-PTSD from abuse were invalidated as part of the abuse process. Their emotions were minimized, disregarded and made fun of.

To have someone close to you minimize your PTSD, or disbelieve you is re-traumatizing. It gives  the victim into an emotional flashbacks or actual sensory flashbacks.

You can only tolerate being traumatized and re-traumatized so many times.

Soldiers that come back from war only to be disrespected by civilians, or invalidated and ignored by the Veterans Administration, are being re-traumatized.

It is a way of invalidating a person’s reality. This has negative effects on the person’s mental and emotional state.

People with PTSD can be perfectly good and caring partners and friends. They just need validation, respect and understanding.

But after repeated re-traumatization, a person feels isolated and too vulnerable to take a chance on trusting another person again. This leads to self isolation, depression, and often suicidal thoughts.

Evolutionary psychology tells us that our subconscious brain feels threatened by the potential that we would be completely isolated, shunned or thrown out of the social circle.

A Little Evolutionary Psychology

In the past, humans lived in social survival groups called tribes.  Being accepted and included by the tribe was critical for survival. Being shunned would have meant death !

Our primal brain  (called the reptilian brain) perceives rejection by the tribe to be potentially life threatening.  When we are feeling a similar kind of threat, it triggers the fight or flight response in our limbic system of the brain. The amygdala becomes active and send all kinds of alerts and chemicals into the body.

Technically, we could survive living alone and isolated these days, but we were not meant to live in isolation… especially isolation due to “mobbing” or “scapegoating” by the tribe.

This is one of the reasons that scapegoated family members, suffer such severe mental and emotional trauma.

People with PTSD need to feel that they will still be accepted by the Tribe (family, community…whatever applies to the situation…).

They need to know that their personal reality will be validated, even though it may be very different from that of other people. The experiences someone with PTSD has endured may seem strange to people that have not ever had that kind of trauma in their reality.

Isolation can cause death by suicide or “failure to thrive.”

Self isolation will almost always cause severe depression. But being re-traumatized is just as bad, and the brain will try to lead people away from that pain.

Our primal brains are designed to take us away from danger, or perceived danger….and towards pleasure. But the “away from danger” is the priority.

Re-exeriencing the feelings of danger, fight or flight chemicals and physiological responses, is not something that anyone could tolerate on a regular basis.

We were not built to feel in danger all the time. Being in a state of hyper-arousal all the time depleats the immune system and causes mental disorders.

People with PTSD need understanding and validation.

They need their loved ones to be sensitive to their triggers, and to pay attention to what the person asks and needs. 

Otherwise. the relationships cannot continue in a way that is safe for the PTSD sufferer. The person with PTSD will shut down and crawl inside of themselves. No healthy relationship can be sustained without safety for both people. 

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Contempt is Your Mistress

I am so tired
My brain is in shock
I can no longer arrange
The thoughts in my mind

My head aches from trying
And thinking so hard
To straighten the pieces
Back into their function

The pieces that are sharp
The pieces that are scalding
The edges that cut like blades
The fragments that shatter bones

My mind is shattered
And disconnected
My body is poisoned
Almost into seizure

My thoughts – explosions
Of anger and pain
My feelings – shock waves
From shaming and blame

Sensations of fire
Sensations of death
Sensations of freezing
Delusions of rest

You’ve stolen my truth
For your own empowerment
You bloodied my faith
To prove your sick point

You forced me to hate you
You forced me to lie
You opened strange poisons
And forced me to try

Your mind is so twisted
With anger and hate
You’ve made me the same
In part of my brain

You felt so compelled
To damage and crush me
Contempt is your mistress
She slept in my bed

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Family Denies the Abuse of the Scapegoat

It is bad enough that the scapegoat in the family has to suffer such abuse. In addition to that, no one in the family acknowledges that there is anything wrong with the way the scapegoat is treated.

The scapegoat can be abused by the narcissist right in front of other family members and no one seems to see it. They all share the reality created by the narcissistic parent.

In cases of a narcissistic ex husband, the mother of the children can be put into the scapegoat role by the father. He gets fills the children with his lies about the mother and causes them to join in his shared psychosis that their mother is the abusive spouse, rather than him.

This can also occur in reverse, where the narcissistic wife makes the father of her children the scapegoat. She lies about him and makes them see her treatment of him to be self defense.

Much of the abuse occurs when others are not watching. When an abusive conversation is restarted by the narcissist, in front of people, the scapegoat naturally reacts to try to defend themselves. But without the entire first part of the abusive interaction, the scapegoat appears to be overreacting and mentally unbalanced.

The narcissist just plays the victim and claims to be doing their best to deal with the disturbed, seemingly inappropriate behavior of their victim.

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Narcissists Establish Trust with the Victim

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Betrayal by the Narcissist

The aftermath of narcissistic abuse can be brutal…even worse than the abuse when you were in the relationship. If you are wondering why you seem to be in worse shape now, than when you were in the relationship, you are not alone.

The narcissist intentionally caused you to become addicted to your role, and your identity, that they made you accept. During the idealization phase they bombarded you constantly with messages and phone calls.

This was to intentionally alter your chemicals, in order to create an addictive bond with them. This is a very addictive bond, in which the brain and the body become dependent upon the dopamine release when you think about the narcissist, or hear their voice.

You were conditioned to crave this interaction, their approval, and their validation of your reality. Within a month or so, your brain began to be unable to regulate your stress level without the narcissist regulating them for you.

This is part of their design. The narcissistic psychopath  intentionally creates a chemical addiction in you. This makes their Silent Treatments, and dissapprovals , during the Devaluation phase that much more painful.

After all….is there any relationship you have ever bern in…other than with a narcissist or a psychopath…that caused you such high levels of toxic loneliness, feelings of emotional disregulation, and mental pain…..when you were apart from them for a few days….or did not hear from them for a few hours, when they had promised to call….

This is addiction. It has physiological evidence in your brain. You could see it, if you had an MRI machine handy. This is intentional and this is what the Love Bombing is all about.

It is also why they revert….although temporarlily…to the idealization phase….anytime they feel they are losing their hold on you. By reverting to the idealization phase temorarily, the narcissist confuses your brain as well as creating a chemical explosion in you.

Those feelings of having that adfiction satisfied come back, and for that…you will not….and cannot leave them. Your brain always craves that next fix of chemicals and the narcissist knows this.

They intentionally use this addiction to manipulate you. They hold a power over you, like no other person can.

And when the relationship ends, you go into a terrible withdrawal of these chemicals that you were trained to be addicted to.

You crash fast and hard. The symptoms are similar to that of any drug addict that has been cut off from their drug of choice. It is not your fault.

It is not your fault. It was done without your consent. You never asked for this. You never saw it coming. You never saw it happening to you.

The withdrawal from narcissist or a psychopath is terrifically painful, and grueling to go through. You are the most vulnerable during this stage of recovery, to be hoovered back in by the apologetic narcissist.

It is understandable why victims go back to the narcissist, if they attemt to hoover them bac. In within the first six months. The chemical addiction and withdrawal symptoms seem to have a painful hold on survivors of a narcissist, for 6 months or more.

So why does your life fall apart? It is like what any other addict experiences. All aspects of your life are affected….from your emotional and mental states, to your physical health and immune system.

Keeping up with daily living activities is very difficult. Going to work is difficult. You become sleep deprived from insomnia, because your brain cannot self regulate your nervous system.

You are not crazy. A person that told you they cared about you, intentionally messed up your brain. They would do it all over again if they got the chance….and they may try…

Being tortured by someone you loved…and probably still love….is the worst form of betrayal.

 

 

 

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Darkness of the Psychopathic Narcissist

One of the things that people never believe, unless they have experienced it first hand, is how dark malignant narcissists actually are. The lengths they will go to destroy you is terrifying.

They will slowly convince you through gaslighting that there is something wrong with your mind…to the point where you actually question your own reality. This is very difficult to snap out of after you are no longer in tbe relationship, and impossible to fully detach from during tbe relationship.

Wondering about whether or not you are perceiving situations correctly is so terrifying that it can slowly cause physiological changes in the brain that are the same as various mental illnesses.

I believe that many people with mental illness were abused by a narcissist or a psychopath during their lives and have no idea about it. Children growing up with a malignant, toxic person do not have any frame of reference of what normal is.

Some adults realize that they were exposed to instances of abuse as children or teenagers, because the incidents they are able to identify are either  of a physical nature that caused injury, or of a sexual nature.

They are not aware of the constant mind manipulation and intentional gaslighting which occurred years before the abuse they can identify as abuse. The incidents of physical abuse are terrible, but there was continuous mental manipulation which caused the brain to begin to show signs of mental illness like anxiety disorders, severe depression, OCD, and suicidal thoughts.

Many victims of abuse as adults, are reopening emotional, and psychological wounds that were already caused during childhood.

Adults that cannot recall any physical abuse often do not see their abusers as abusers. There are narcissists that get away with manipulating their children’s reality, their self esteem, and their perception of the narcissistic parent. Narcissists want their victims to feel at fault for the abuse, making the victim unable to identify the abuse as abuse.

Those of us that came across the terms malignant narcissist, gaslighting, and mental abuse are in the minority. Imagine how many people are walking around, thinking there is something innately wrong with them, and they do not realize that their psychological state was inflicted upon them by another person, just so that person could use them to feed off of.

Malignant narcissists are not just arrogant,  delusional people. They are malicious, exploitative monsters that cause their victims to become confused about their own perception of reality….to the point that they doubt their own perceptions and cannot even identify abuse as abuse.

Is it any wonder that children brought up this way end up ensnared by another abuser? When the abuse begins, the victim doubts their own ability to perceive what they feel, see and hear. They discount abusive behavior, and are easily gaslighted into believing it is not abuse.

Psychopaths target people that have already been broken by a narcissist. They know what signs to look for. They know how to test you, in order to see if you will respond to their brainwashing.

You have to reprogram your braim to get rid of the viruses that were installed into you. Otherwise it is difficult to recognize abuse when it starts.

Predators look for the best targets for them to destroy. These people have an extreme darkness within them.