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Victim Blaming and Re-traumatizing Abuse Victims

Being in an intimate relationship with a psychpath awakens your reality to a darkness you never knew existed. You always knew that there were serial killers and rapists in the world, but you never knew they could be hidden behind a charming exterior.

You consented to being close to the person they presented themselves to be. But you never consented to being intimate with someone who carries darkness within them.

When you hear people say that you chose to be in a relationship with an abuser, it is confusing and re-traumatizing. They make their point by saying that you had free will and walked into the relationship with open eyes.

They do not understand the mind manipulatiin of a psychopath and how your reality was very different at the beginning of the relationship than it is now.

Not only do you have to come to terms with the cognitive dissonance of the two different realities…the person you thought you were sleeping with….and the person you were actually sleeping with……

You now have to listen to this other proposed reality that you went into the relationship with an abuser with open eyes and free choice.

Only two kinds of people would say this to you….Pathological narcissists….and very closed minded judgemental people who think they are better than you, because of course…it would never have happened to them!

The narcissists that post comments like this on the youtube blogs of survivors are sadistically gaslighting the victims. They are intentionally twisting your reality,  which they are fully aware has already been twisted by one of “their kind.”

Victim blaming is most often instigated by pathological narcissists. Other people may believe their lies because they are being manipulated by the narcissist. So the very people saying that no one can have their mind manipulated….are having their own minds manipulated….and their beliefs fed to them by a narcissist.

 

abuse, abuse red flags, abusive men, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, dating an abusive guy, devaluation, domestic abuse, domestic violence, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic psychopath, Narcissists, narcopath, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Psychopath, psychopathic abuse, Uncategorized, verbal abuse, women abuse, women in history, women's history month

Women’s History Month and Abuse Awareness

Just posted on Tumblr Narcissistic Abuse Blog

Abuse of Women and How it Has Influenced Women’s History

As part of women’s history month we have to realize the importance of domestic abuse, partner abuse and rape. The awareness of abuse of women needs to be highlighted. More awareness is needed.

Victim blaming and myths about abuse victims needs to be an important part of women’s history month. How many women have had their lives cut short due to a violent partner? 

How many women have been emotionally abused with gaslighting and intentional brainwashing tactics by a predator who targeted them? 

What great things might these women have accomplished, had they not been controlled and manipulated by an abusive partner?

How many potential contributions to human kind have been interfered with, by an abuser who crushed down the self esteem and undermined her ability to follow her dreams?

Awareness of mental, emotional and other kinds of abuse of women, needs to be addressed and light needs to be shed on how this has affected women’s history, and continues to do so. 

abuse, abusive relationships, depression, domestic abuse, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, overcoming narcissistic abuse, people pleaser syndrome, Psychopath abusive relationship, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse, Uncategorized, wellness, women abuse

Your Compassion Matters

Every act of compassion matters. Each time you offer a kindness to another living being it matters.

Whether or not you feel that they appreciated your intention afterwords or not, does not change what your intention was.

Sometimes we are not aware of the motives of others, or what is going on in their heads. You may have had a relationship with someone for a long time, and then realized that they never felt the way you thought they did.

They may not have accepted your loving intentions in the way you wanted them to. Some people feel entitled to your service, and therefore cannot truly appreciate the caring intention behind things you did for them. This does not change what your intention was.

Just because the reality of someone is different than your own does not change the power of your personal meaning for acts of compassion and kindness towards them.

Kindness can be shown to random strangers or even people who you never see. You may have held the door for a mom who was struggling with babies and bags at the store. Your small kindness may have affected her mood in a way that it was passed into her…and then she passed the kindness energy along to someone in her home.

You do not always see the domino effect of your good heart.

It is true that sometimes people will turn on you when you least expect it. You may feel that this negates every kindness you ever showed them. But this is not true.

Kindness and compassion are poweful energies. They exist in spite of people who cannot accept or appreciate their pure essence.

This is not to say that you should allow people to walk over you. It is not to encourage you to go out of your way for manipulative people. Not at all.

It is just let you know that your intentions always matter. They have a far more reaching effect than the particular person or situation.

Generating loving intentions towards others sends these intentions out into the energy fields all around you. You can send positive energies to someone sitting near you on the bus, and never speak a word to them.

The energy of intention takes on a life of its own. If you are empathic at all, then you can feel when someone near you is projecting bad energy like anger or evil intention. It is felt in your gut or other places in the body.

The people around you feel and receive the intentions you create. You can self generate compassion and kindness. It can be sent tosomeone else with a gentle touch on the shoulder, or just by making eye contact.

Studies have been able to prove that there are magnetic fields of energy that are projected out from each individual person.

In fact this is true for all living things. That is why you can feel certain kinds of grounding energies when you are in nature.

Trees and plants give off magnetic energy fields. Human magnetic energy fields extend at least 3 to 6 feet in all directions, based on scientific research and studies.

Paying attention to your gut feelings can protect you from people sending malicious energies. It can also guide you toward people that create positive intention and project that compassion outward for others to feel and access.

Some people are energy vampires. You feel drained of energy after spending time with them.

Others are generous with their beautiful strengthening energies. Humans can transmit feelings of  empathy, excitement, acceptance and many other loving energy fields.

Any act of kindness or positive intention you have done or will do, matters. Anytime you project compassion, it has an effect on the collective consciousness of living things.

Even if it turns out that you could not connect with someone in the way you wanted to or expected to, your positive intentions were still sent out to other living beings around you.

Try to surround yourself with loving, supportive people that accept your beautiful pure energies.

Even if someone has let you down in the past, you can still connect with caring people.

Your intentions matter, although you cannot change people who do not want to change. Everyone will not see you for who you are.

Everyone will not be receptive to healing energies, empathy or kindness. Some people just want to see how much they can manipulate you. Try to learn how to identify these kinds of people, so you can minimize contact with them.

The higher your consciousness level, the more truth you will see about the energy fields being projected by others.

Low consciousness levels will attract other people in similar consciousness levels.

Abuse and trauma can sometimes bring your consciousness level down, and affect what kinds of energy you are projecting.

Be careful to assess your psychological and spiritual state, before interacting with others.

Strengthen your ability to self generate states you want to be in.

Awareness of your intuition, gut feelings and energy sensations in your body will help you to self generate specific states.

All of your compassionate intentions have mattered and will continue to matter.

Even intentions that you sent out to people undeserving of those intentions, are not lost. The effect on the energetic dimension was still there, even if the person you were trying to care for had ulterior  motives.

People may try to drain your energies because they can control a drained person easier than someone filled with excitement and purpose.

You can build energy projection skills. You can practice self generating moods and states of being. The better you become at these skills, the more powerful you will be.

Namaste,

Annie 

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No Contact Includes Un-friending Them

no contact stop checking facebook

image from lawsofmondern man tumblr blog

It is extremely tempting to keep checking on what your ex is up to. They count on this and will intentionally pose for pictures that will bother you, and then post them on their facebook page. They want you to see them havint a great time with the new target.

The narcissists gets fuel (narcissistic supply) from knowing that you are jealous of their new partner. They will intentionally take that partner to places and activities they told you they would  not do with you. This is to rub salt into your already painful wounds.

For all you know they dragged the person to those places and they did not really want to go. You know how powerful the narcissist is at manipulating. If course the partner is going to smile for the pictures, because they do not want to look bad on facebook.

You are being mind controlled by the narcissist. They want you to think that this time the relationship is real, and that you missed out because you were  not good enough for them. But it is all the same game.

The pathological narcissists works in cycles. They repeat them over and over again. The idealization and devaluing….the triangulation of the new target with the ex lover. They gain lots of narcissistic supply from triangulating you with the new partner,because they are causing jealousy in both of you.

They are mentioning you to the new partner. Your name will likely come up from time to time, just so the new target knows they have to stay in line, if they want to keep the relationship. The narcissist will tell lies about you in any number of ways. They may tell the new partner that you are still interested in them…or that you were better at something that they are.

This is all part of garnering fuel (narcissistic supply). You are playing into their hands, just the way they planned, by checking on their facebook page and other social media. In order to heal, you have to go No Contact for real.

Checking their pictures and activities is still a passive form of contact. You need to heal and regain your identity. Unfriend them and let them stew about that. It is the best way to get back at them.

abuse, abuse poetry, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, domestic abuse, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, Narcissists, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Psychopath, psychopathic abuse, psychopaths, PTSD from domestic abuse, Uncategorized, women abuse

Psychopath

 Charmed by his intelligence

Lured by the vulnerability

like a mother bear to a lost cub

What else could I do?

What other choice could I consider?

Couldn’t just leave him that way

all torn and bleeding

from the abuse and cruelty

in his past…

He needed to be saved…

Didn’t he?

He seemed to know what I was feeling

Like he knew me from another life

He understood me so well

Listened to me with a distant empathy

Heard every story,  felt every pain

I opened everything up to him

Spilled out all my fears,

All my hopes, all my dreams

He listened to my weaknesses and said

Never you mind,

Better to accept them and

get them out in the open

You’ve been holding them too long

He made careful notes as he listened

My triggers, and my trauma

Kept mental notes on every fine detail

What would you think?

What would you assume?

It was true love’s patient virtue?

This was a confidant to be trusted?

With my life…

With my mind

With my sanity

Let me shed some light…

on the darkness

There are some people

that hunt for strangers…

Strangers that are sheep

full of passion,  kindness

empathy, and lonliness

There are predators hunting now

as I write these very words

for you to heed somehow…

like your life depends on them

So you shall not bleed

From deep spiritual wounding

and psychological breaking…

My warning is true

Watch your step …unlike me

Keep your passion

tempered with ration

Yes, I will say it

Stay a virgin from

the psychopathic monster

He might be stalking you

Watching you right now…

Be warned and I tell you true

Once you have crossed

There is no going back

You can escape

by removing yourself…

removing  your body

from the crime

but how can you remove

the experience

of darkness

from your mind?

**an older poem of mine from last year

abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, overcoming narcissistic abuse, psychopathic abuse, PTSD, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse, Uncategorized, women abuse

PTSD from Abuse

Trauma from abuse never really goes away. It is a part of us that we have to live with every day. How that trauma affects us, depends on the person and the healing methods you are able to find that work for you.

Domestic abuse trauma is severe and can impact our lives negatively for a very long time. The attack on our self-esteem by our abuser was deliberate and insidious. Our abuser attempted to control our thoughts and behaviors by making us feel inadequate and ashamed.

The feelings of guilt, shame and worthlessness are carried with us, until we are able to acknowledge that we were truly traumatized and accept the fact that we sustained psychological injury from the abuse.

Once we can accept that we were not at fault,  and did nothing to deserve to be abused, then we can begin to grow and learn how to cope with the mental  injuries.

The scars of abuse will always be with us, but we can work towards reducing the open wounds in our emotions and our minds. When we have gaping, painful wounds, our everyday lives tend to revolve around them.

We try to avoid being “bumped into” in an emotional or mental way. Our brains cannot tolerate even the slightest thing that might re-traumatize us. 

Anything that reminds us of the abuser, the circumstances surrounding the abuse, or how we felt during the abuse, may be  intolerable. This may cause us to organize our lives around avoiding anything that might trigger a state of post traumatic stress. We will develop behavior patterns of avoidance and may be in a state of hyperarousal almost all of the time.

The  hyper-arousal state is when all of our guards are up. We are constantly scanning our environment for possible threats. These may be physical threat or mental / emotional threats. Because of the damage our brains have already sustained, we cannot risk any more damage.

This is something we instinctively know. We know that we cannot tolerate any more trauma or any more re-traumatization.

When we are newly out of the traumatic situation, our ability to feel relaxed and feel safe has been compromised. There seem to be threats all around us. This is true for some victims, but every individual is unique.

Some people may go several  months or more,  without any noticeable symptoms, and then suddenly begin to show signs of post traumatic stress.

We lose our ability to trust our own judgement and may avoid any situation we are not sure of. We ended up in abuse one time and we are afraid to experience that again. We are also afraid to be triggered into having traumatic memories flooding back into our brains.

The memories of the abuse can be overwhelming and painful to us. We want to get away from them. There are people that remind us of our abuser in some way.

There are situations that remind us of situations we were in. There are also other things like locations, songs, sounds, sensations and objects that can remind us of the original trauma.

The individual triggers are different for different people. It is good to pay attention to what triggers you and be mindful of your reactions and feelings.

The more you understand about your own responses, be them behavioral or internal, the further along the path to healing you will be.

Here is a video from the Show Boundaries YouTube channel about a tapping technique that is for PTSD. 

And here is a video from my YouTube channel about PTSD from abuse

For more info about healing from abuse, visit my web site at gentlekindnesscoaching.com

Join the emailing list for special offers, special information, and occasional freebies

abuse, abusive relationships, dating a narcissist, dating an abusive guy, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, health and wellness, healthy relationships after domestic abuse, leaving an abuser, malignant narcissistic personality disorder, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic psychopath, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, overcoming narcissistic abuse, teen abusive relationships, Uncategorized, women abuse

Avoiding Abusive Relationships for Teens

When you are a teenager, or a preteen, you are learning about yourself and also learning about what kinds of people you like to be around. You are hopefully living a happy, healthy life, but I realize that many of you are not living a home life that is mentally healthy.

Some of you have supportive parents and others of you have abusive parents. Whether they abuse is physical, sexual or mental / emotional , any kind of  abuse will affect your judgement about selecting friends and boyfriends / girlfriends.

You have to know who you are. You are on a path of self discovery. As you learn about yourself, you also need to believe in yourself.

You are still developing your self esteem and your value system. You are still developing your personality and how you present yourself to the world. You are learning how to interact, how to attract others and what to do with them, once you attract them.

Here are some important things for you to remember, when you are dating.

1. You matter ! Your feelings and your thoughts matter.

2. Trust your feelings and your intuition. If you feel like something is wrong with w certain person, or a certain relationship, then listen to that intuition. It is there as an alert system for you.

3. Do not let others choose for you. People think they know who you are and who would be a good match for you, but they do not. You know what you want and need. NO one else can pick someone for you.

4. Do not choose someone, in accordance with  what the social group wants you to do. Not only will individual people want to “set you up” , but the social group itself may have rules about who you can and cannot date.  Be careful to think for yourself and not to let others think for you.

5. If you do not like being with someone, you never will. Do not try to force yourself to like a guy that you do not like, just so that you can have a boyfriend / or girlfriend. You are better on your own than with someone who you just do not like.  Do not think that you can Make yourself like them, by hanging out with them.

6. Relationships Should be Balanced. There should be give and take in relationships. It should not be one-sided, where one person gets their way all the time. One person should not be dominating over the other person.

7. No Abuse!  The No Abuse Rule Cannot be Broken. No one can abuse you for any reason that makes it okay. Abuse includes being physically rough with you. This includes talking you into sex that you do not feel comfortable with. 

Abuse is also any emotional or mental torment. If anyone is manipulative with you, by making you feel bad (guilty, shame, sad, scared) then that is abuse.

Abuse can be mental abuse, which could be trying to make you into someone you are not. Making you feel stupid, making you feel embarrassed in front of other people. Being nicer to your friends than to you. There are many mentally and emotionally abuse behaviors and you can read about them in some of my other posts.

8. Your Parents Can Not Choose for you.  Your parents may thing they know someone who would be a good match for you. Most guys will act a certain way in front of your parents, that does not allow your parents to see everything about them. There is not enough information that your parents can get from any girl or boy that you like, in order to know how they will treat you.

PLEASE NOTE – If you have good parents that are not abusive, they will be looking out for you. I did say that they cannot choose someone for you, however they can WARN YOU if someone seems to be abusive or a very bad match for you. When you have feelings for someone, it is easy to miss red flags, but your parents may pick up on them.

9. Communication is Very ImportantYou should be able to communicate with the person you are dating, You should be able to talk about your thoughts, opinions and your feelings.

If they shut you down, and do not care about your feelings, then you should move on and let them go.

If they always have to be right and do not want your opinions or thoughts about things, they are a potential abuser and you need to get out.

10. It is okay to be on your own. It is okay to not have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. You do not have to be with someone all the time, or at all. If you have recently come out of a break up, then it is good to wait a while before jumping into a new relationship. Your emotions need to heal before you will have a good perspective to make good choices.

It is ok to be on your own. You do not need to be with someone, in order to be cool. You do not need someone in order to be happy. In fact some people will make you miserable.

It is ok to be on your own, just because you want to. You have a  lot of things to do, with school, family and activities. Relationships take time and you may not have the time right now.

It is okay to be on your own. It is okay if no one has asked you out. There are always some girls who seem to get asked out all the time. You might be the one that no one seems interested in.

This is probably because you are a real person. You are not all fluff and puff. You have depth and intelligence. There will be someone that will really respect and love you for that. But the “click” people and the “popular”  crowds do not like independent thinkers.

Be yourself. Do Not Change to fit in. DO not change to get a guy. be yourself and the right guy will come along. You would not be happy with these superficial people anyway. You would be frustrated and bored.

You need someone with some depth and intelligence. You will have to wait patiently until that special person comes along, because there are not as many independent thinkers as there are “crowd pleasers”

Guess what? This guy is also wondering where you are ! He is somewhere with people that he does not fit in with. He is the one not getting asked out,  because he does not fit in with the group. They are waiting to meet you. 

abuse, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, domestic abuse, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, mental abuse, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome, Uncategorized, victim of narcissist, women abuse

Tumblr Blog Narcissistic Abuse

TUMBLR Narcissistic Abuse Blog by GentleKindness

https://www.tumblr.com/blog/narcissistic-abuse

unravel

image from tumblr 

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Narcissists Lie When They Tell You They are Co-Parenting with You

counter parent

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