abuse, abusive men, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, anti-social personality disorder, dating a narcissist, dating an abusive guy, emotional abuse, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, malignant narcissistic personality disorder, mental abuse, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic psychopath, Narcissists, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Psychopath, PTSD from domestic abuse, red flags of a narcissist, Uncategorized, victim of narcissist, women abuse, women in history, women's history month, women's issues

Victim Blaming and Re-traumatizing Abuse Victims

Being in an intimate relationship with a psychpath awakens your reality to a darkness you never knew existed. You always knew that there were serial killers and rapists in the world, but you never knew they could be hidden behind a charming exterior.

You consented to being close to the person they presented themselves to be. But you never consented to being intimate with someone who carries darkness within them.

When you hear people say that you chose to be in a relationship with an abuser, it is confusing and re-traumatizing. They make their point by saying that you had free will and walked into the relationship with open eyes.

They do not understand the mind manipulatiin of a psychopath and how your reality was very different at the beginning of the relationship than it is now.

Not only do you have to come to terms with the cognitive dissonance of the two different realities…the person you thought you were sleeping with….and the person you were actually sleeping with……

You now have to listen to this other proposed reality that you went into the relationship with an abuser with open eyes and free choice.

Only two kinds of people would say this to you….Pathological narcissists….and very closed minded judgemental people who think they are better than you, because of course…it would never have happened to them!

The narcissists that post comments like this on the youtube blogs of survivors are sadistically gaslighting the victims. They are intentionally twisting your reality,  which they are fully aware has already been twisted by one of “their kind.”

Victim blaming is most often instigated by pathological narcissists. Other people may believe their lies because they are being manipulated by the narcissist. So the very people saying that no one can have their mind manipulated….are having their own minds manipulated….and their beliefs fed to them by a narcissist.

 

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Hoovering Techniques of the Narcissist

domestic abuse, life, mental health, poetry, women's issues

You Just Rewrite the Script

Darkness blinds my eyes

Trauma chokes my breath

Your Twisted lies destroy

My Truth is lost in your rewrites

Expectations and demands

I cannot live up to

You dominate by placing blame

Saying that I was the neglector

You reverse the roles with ease

Twisting time and reality itself

Making me the mental abuser

Turning the things you said

Into my words rather than yours

I am in mental shock

Still injured from your words

Not able to catch my breath

As you pretend you were the abused

 I waited all day for you to respond to my calls

You said that is was you who was

curled up in a ball

Needing to talk to me

and I just wasn’t there

Not caring about your needs

You say I am the one always too busy 

to be emotionally available for you

Even though you hung up the phone

time and again

at 1 or 2 am to answer a call

and  said you would call me back

but made me wait until 4am

Waking me up from my sleep

Accusing me of not being focused enough

on whatever you were telling me

at 4 am in my sleep

But I was emotionally unavailable

and mentally dangerous 

to your brain

This is what you always said

If I told you that you hurt me

in any way

Defences elude my mouth

As you cry that I attacked you

And shame me into silence

Feeling utterly defeated

and confused

Just longing to be close to you

You just rewrite the script

How it will serve you best

 Reality is what you say

Whatever serves you best

along the way

domestic abuse, gaslighting, life, mental health, mental illness, narcissist, women's issues

Spotting a Narcissist by Inconsistencies do

Narcissists have inconsistent things about them.  If what they tell you about their past, does not seem to make sense with their current behavior, then pay attention. If how they describe people taking advantage of them, seems inconsistent with their ability to dominate in situations, then pay attention.

Do not believe only what someone tells you about situations that you never saw. Look at how they actually act when you are together. Things should match and make sense together.

Why do some of us go from one narcissist and end up with another one? The first one had certain red flags and those red flags were presented in their unique personality style. We meet someone who has a different personality, different interests, and a different approach with us.

Yes! We think. I have now found someone completely different than my past abuser. This person is not the same person, so they must be safe. They must be better.

Do not confuse personality with a mental disorder. Everyone has a unique background and a unique set of personality characteristics. We want to believe that we could not possibly have run into, and been targeted by another narcissist.

Narcissists do not target just anyone. They target people who are compassionate, reliable, selfless and kind. They also target people who have something to offer that they can use. Something that they want.

Just because someone has a different personality, and is interested in different aspects of you, does not mean they are not a narcissist. It is tricky to tell right away, but if you are vulnerable then you need to go slow and be careful.

The earliest signs that you will see may not have to do so much with them being abusive to you, as clues from them about past relationships. Ask them about their past. A narcissist will often tell you how people have mistreated them in the past.

They have been misunderstood and mistreated by others. People have taken advantage of them and not done right by them. Their past wives and girlfriends all were at fault about the relationship ending. Somehow they ended up with women who injured them. (remember you are not hearing the other side of the story)

Look for how they talk about women in their lives, past, and present. It may not come out right away but pay attention to how they talk about the women at work , on tv, from their past and right in front of you.

Here is a really big one.  What do they say about how other women speak of them?  The narcissistic men that I have known told me that their ex girlfriend expected too much from them. The girlfriends were unreasonable and demanding. The women left them in anger and were mean to them. (remember this is one side of the story)

Their past women were strong and dominating in the relationship. The poor guy was trying his best but it was never good enough for her. She used to complain about everything. He was never good enough for her.  She was a cheating, deceiving , liar.

Sometimes these perceptions are really how they saw things. They eventually get very jealous and think that someone is cheating on them, even if they are not.  Of course. women do cheat and this alone is not enough to know anything. But if it is combined with other things that do not make sense together, then you should be careful.

This guy who claims that he let these women walk all over him, should not be a dominating person. If this same guy who told you that all of his past girlfriends walked all over him, acts dominating in social situations and demands his way, then you see an inconsistency.

See how he is in a restaurant when the food is wrong. H9w does he deal with the waitress? See how he acts when the hotel reservation was messed up and they have no non-smoking room. How does he react?

Situations where people make mistakes, are good ones to keep an eye on. When the narcissist does not get what he asked for, he will have trouble working it out in a normal, reasonable way. He will get angry, demanding, critical, or sarcastic to the person who made the mistake. Or he will say things to you, behind the person’s back.

If a mistake is made by a worker, when you are on a date, see how the guy responds to mistakes, in regards to you. Do they pay attention to how the situation is making you feel? Do they make a scene and tell you that they are doing it “for you”?

When you say “No. It’s okay, I really don’t mind sitting here, I am hungry and I would rather eat here than wait for another table.” Do they make a big fuss and embarrass you , in spite of you asking them not to do that, and then tell you “I am doing this for you, honey. I want this date to be perfect for you.”

This is confusing, because they seem to be considering your feelings. You think they are trying to fix the situation for you. But you just told them what you would prefer and they completely disregarded your feelings. They continued to embarrass you anyway, in the name of “doing it for your own good.”

They will take up the entire time you have together, making a scene and demanding for things to be done right. Then they will complain about it for the rest of the date.

“This date is ruined now. It is not the perfect date I wanted for you.” But you tell them that there is still more time left to the date and you would like to have quality time with them. Why don’t they just let it go?

But no, they did not get their way. They do not value the time with you over having things go their way. They are so upset about what has happened that they just can’t get over it enough to pay attention to your feelings. Anytime things do not go exactly their way, they can think of nothing else.

This is so confusing because they will tell you that they wanted things to be just right for you. But “just right for you” would have been having the trouble pass away early and then forgetting about it , so that you could enjoy the rest of your time together.

These are a few things that I can think of. Pay attention to how much they are really focused on themselves. See what happens when they do not get their way. How do they react when you tell them how you feel about the fact that all of this is interfering with your comfort.

You want to be with someone who will work things out with you, in a reasonable and fair way. Yes, they can send their food back, politely. They can ask for a window table, if they want that. But here is the problem. The narcissist will tell you that YOU want the window table. You will see when you get there, that it is better.

You can tell them that you do not mind a different table. They will tell you that it does matter. They are doing this for you. Then you have to wait through the scene and 45 minutes to eat. You really did not mind another table and you would have rather had them paying attention to you and not completely ignoring you, while they “fix” things for you.

They do not think that you know what you want, or they are not willing to do what you want. They will not discuss it with you. If they are indignant about not getting their way, then those feelings will override them communicating with you about the situation. You will have no say about it.

They are the man and they are handling it, despite how you feel. Now, is this the same guy that told you that his ex was dominating over him all the time? Did he tell you how she always had to get her way and did not consider how he felt?

How can this person who is now clearly dominating the entire situation over top of you, have been so dominated and abused by his ex?

This is the combination that comes up as a red flag.

When mention that you do not see that he feels walked over top of by you, then he will say, “Oh but you are different. ”   “I feel safe with you.”   “You respect me.”    “You are a real lady.”    or something like that.

It is the contradictions that seem confusing that you will see your red flags. Normal men are consistent about their behavior. The narcissist will seem one way when he talks about his past and completely different right in front of you.

Everyone takes advantage of them and dominates them. But when you see them, they are more than capable of getting their way. They are intolerant of compromising at all.

Good luck. I wish I had known about these things to look for in my last relationship. He seemed so sweet and I thought he just needed to be with someone who would be considerate of his feelings, because all the other women were so abusive to him.

In the end, I was emotionally crushed and broken. But I ignored the times at the hotel when the reservation was wrong and all of a sudden, it was like I did not exist. The only thing that mattered was that he got his way.

He was actually wrong to begin with and had made the reservation wrong.  Even when this became clear, he was still angry with the person in front of us. He still stayed mad for hours after it had been rectified.

No matter what I said about the time together being important to me, he would calm down to just be together. He was still holding anger about not getting his way.