Narcissists have inconsistent things about them. If what they tell you about their past, does not seem to make sense with their current behavior, then pay attention. If how they describe people taking advantage of them, seems inconsistent with their ability to dominate in situations, then pay attention.
Do not believe only what someone tells you about situations that you never saw. Look at how they actually act when you are together. Things should match and make sense together.
Why do some of us go from one narcissist and end up with another one? The first one had certain red flags and those red flags were presented in their unique personality style. We meet someone who has a different personality, different interests, and a different approach with us.
Yes! We think. I have now found someone completely different than my past abuser. This person is not the same person, so they must be safe. They must be better.
Do not confuse personality with a mental disorder. Everyone has a unique background and a unique set of personality characteristics. We want to believe that we could not possibly have run into, and been targeted by another narcissist.
Narcissists do not target just anyone. They target people who are compassionate, reliable, selfless and kind. They also target people who have something to offer that they can use. Something that they want.
Just because someone has a different personality, and is interested in different aspects of you, does not mean they are not a narcissist. It is tricky to tell right away, but if you are vulnerable then you need to go slow and be careful.
The earliest signs that you will see may not have to do so much with them being abusive to you, as clues from them about past relationships. Ask them about their past. A narcissist will often tell you how people have mistreated them in the past.
They have been misunderstood and mistreated by others. People have taken advantage of them and not done right by them. Their past wives and girlfriends all were at fault about the relationship ending. Somehow they ended up with women who injured them. (remember you are not hearing the other side of the story)
Look for how they talk about women in their lives, past, and present. It may not come out right away but pay attention to how they talk about the women at work , on tv, from their past and right in front of you.
Here is a really big one. What do they say about how other women speak of them? The narcissistic men that I have known told me that their ex girlfriend expected too much from them. The girlfriends were unreasonable and demanding. The women left them in anger and were mean to them. (remember this is one side of the story)
Their past women were strong and dominating in the relationship. The poor guy was trying his best but it was never good enough for her. She used to complain about everything. He was never good enough for her. She was a cheating, deceiving , liar.
Sometimes these perceptions are really how they saw things. They eventually get very jealous and think that someone is cheating on them, even if they are not. Of course. women do cheat and this alone is not enough to know anything. But if it is combined with other things that do not make sense together, then you should be careful.
This guy who claims that he let these women walk all over him, should not be a dominating person. If this same guy who told you that all of his past girlfriends walked all over him, acts dominating in social situations and demands his way, then you see an inconsistency.
See how he is in a restaurant when the food is wrong. H9w does he deal with the waitress? See how he acts when the hotel reservation was messed up and they have no non-smoking room. How does he react?
Situations where people make mistakes, are good ones to keep an eye on. When the narcissist does not get what he asked for, he will have trouble working it out in a normal, reasonable way. He will get angry, demanding, critical, or sarcastic to the person who made the mistake. Or he will say things to you, behind the person’s back.
If a mistake is made by a worker, when you are on a date, see how the guy responds to mistakes, in regards to you. Do they pay attention to how the situation is making you feel? Do they make a scene and tell you that they are doing it “for you”?
When you say “No. It’s okay, I really don’t mind sitting here, I am hungry and I would rather eat here than wait for another table.” Do they make a big fuss and embarrass you , in spite of you asking them not to do that, and then tell you “I am doing this for you, honey. I want this date to be perfect for you.”
This is confusing, because they seem to be considering your feelings. You think they are trying to fix the situation for you. But you just told them what you would prefer and they completely disregarded your feelings. They continued to embarrass you anyway, in the name of “doing it for your own good.”
They will take up the entire time you have together, making a scene and demanding for things to be done right. Then they will complain about it for the rest of the date.
“This date is ruined now. It is not the perfect date I wanted for you.” But you tell them that there is still more time left to the date and you would like to have quality time with them. Why don’t they just let it go?
But no, they did not get their way. They do not value the time with you over having things go their way. They are so upset about what has happened that they just can’t get over it enough to pay attention to your feelings. Anytime things do not go exactly their way, they can think of nothing else.
This is so confusing because they will tell you that they wanted things to be just right for you. But “just right for you” would have been having the trouble pass away early and then forgetting about it , so that you could enjoy the rest of your time together.
These are a few things that I can think of. Pay attention to how much they are really focused on themselves. See what happens when they do not get their way. How do they react when you tell them how you feel about the fact that all of this is interfering with your comfort.
You want to be with someone who will work things out with you, in a reasonable and fair way. Yes, they can send their food back, politely. They can ask for a window table, if they want that. But here is the problem. The narcissist will tell you that YOU want the window table. You will see when you get there, that it is better.
You can tell them that you do not mind a different table. They will tell you that it does matter. They are doing this for you. Then you have to wait through the scene and 45 minutes to eat. You really did not mind another table and you would have rather had them paying attention to you and not completely ignoring you, while they “fix” things for you.
They do not think that you know what you want, or they are not willing to do what you want. They will not discuss it with you. If they are indignant about not getting their way, then those feelings will override them communicating with you about the situation. You will have no say about it.
They are the man and they are handling it, despite how you feel. Now, is this the same guy that told you that his ex was dominating over him all the time? Did he tell you how she always had to get her way and did not consider how he felt?
How can this person who is now clearly dominating the entire situation over top of you, have been so dominated and abused by his ex?
This is the combination that comes up as a red flag.
When mention that you do not see that he feels walked over top of by you, then he will say, “Oh but you are different. ” “I feel safe with you.” “You respect me.” “You are a real lady.” or something like that.
It is the contradictions that seem confusing that you will see your red flags. Normal men are consistent about their behavior. The narcissist will seem one way when he talks about his past and completely different right in front of you.
Everyone takes advantage of them and dominates them. But when you see them, they are more than capable of getting their way. They are intolerant of compromising at all.
Good luck. I wish I had known about these things to look for in my last relationship. He seemed so sweet and I thought he just needed to be with someone who would be considerate of his feelings, because all the other women were so abusive to him.
In the end, I was emotionally crushed and broken. But I ignored the times at the hotel when the reservation was wrong and all of a sudden, it was like I did not exist. The only thing that mattered was that he got his way.
He was actually wrong to begin with and had made the reservation wrong. Even when this became clear, he was still angry with the person in front of us. He still stayed mad for hours after it had been rectified.
No matter what I said about the time together being important to me, he would calm down to just be together. He was still holding anger about not getting his way.