abuse, abuse red flags, abusive men, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, dating an abusive guy, devaluation, domestic abuse, domestic violence, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic psychopath, Narcissists, narcopath, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Psychopath, psychopathic abuse, Uncategorized, verbal abuse, women abuse, women in history, women's history month

Women’s History Month and Abuse Awareness

Just posted on Tumblr Narcissistic Abuse Blog

Abuse of Women and How it Has Influenced Women’s History

As part of women’s history month we have to realize the importance of domestic abuse, partner abuse and rape. The awareness of abuse of women needs to be highlighted. More awareness is needed.

Victim blaming and myths about abuse victims needs to be an important part of women’s history month. How many women have had their lives cut short due to a violent partner? 

How many women have been emotionally abused with gaslighting and intentional brainwashing tactics by a predator who targeted them? 

What great things might these women have accomplished, had they not been controlled and manipulated by an abusive partner?

How many potential contributions to human kind have been interfered with, by an abuser who crushed down the self esteem and undermined her ability to follow her dreams?

Awareness of mental, emotional and other kinds of abuse of women, needs to be addressed and light needs to be shed on how this has affected women’s history, and continues to do so. 

abuse, abuse red flags, abusive men, abusive relationships, dating a narcissist, domestic abuse, domestic abuse blog, domestic violence, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, Narcissists, narcopath, overcoming narcissistic abuse, people pleaser syndrome, Psychopath abusive relationship, psychopathic abuse, psychopaths, PTSD from domestic abuse, Uncategorized

Socialized Psychopaths

psychopath socialized

Image by Dr. David McDermott

Psychopaths are 1 in 25 people. That is a high number.

They are disguised as regular people….pillars of the community….coaches of your kid’s sports team….pastors of your church….your therapist….the local police officer….your surgeon…..your date from Match.com…

Learn the signs of psychopaths. Educate yourself about the red flags, their tactics, and the way they manipulate their prey. They think with their reptilian brain….you are the prey and they are the predator. 

Psychopaths only blend in because people do not know what they are looking at, and they dismiss the signs even when they are right in front of them. 

Stay safe and keep your kids safe. Psychopaths can be charming and they know how to press your emotional buttons. They get into your mind by eliciting emotional reactions from you. 

These are people that you do not want to allow into your life. Once they are in, it can be hard to get rid of them. They retaliate on people that reject them in ways that you cannot imagine, unless it has happened to you. 

More info – Follow my facebook page gentlekindnesscoaching facebook 

abuse, abuse red flags, abusive relationships, domestic abuse, domestic abuse blog, domestic violence, emotional abuse, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, narcopath, overcoming narcissistic abuse, post traumatic stress disorder from domestic abuse . mental abuse, Uncategorized

Abuse is Abuse

You do not deserve to be abused in any way.

Physical abuse is what people think of when they hear the term domestic violence. People who are enduring other forms of abuse often do not seek help from places that help domestic abuse victims. 

Emotional and mental abuse is also abuse.

It is devastating just like physical abuse is. Victims of physical abuse say that they endured severe psychological damage from the mind games, the demeaning, the verbal assaults and the gaslighting of the abuser. 

Victims of physical abuse often have PTSD from the emotional aspect of the abuse.

The nightmares and the flashbacks are due to the fact that a person filled with darkness entered their minds and manipulated their perceptions of reality. 

Abuse victims are made to feel inferior to the abuser.

They are made to live in fear of disagreeing and disobeying the narcissistic partner. This is the same for victims of emotional / mental abuse, whether or not there is physical element to the abuse.

Many agencies that offer assistance to abuse victims recognize that you can be abused without being hit or struck in any way. There is still a constant fear of the abuser. There is a fear of what they will do if you cross them. 

Living like a slave to a person that you loved and tried to care for, is torture. Living like a slave to a person that claims, or once claimed to love you is torture. 

The abuser is skilled at knowing how to trick you into revealing things about yourself that they can use against you. They know how to elicit the strongest emotions in you. 

Once the honeymoon, idealization phase is over, they systematically destroy your soul. They suck all of your life energy and your will to be yourself. 

They strip you of your ability to love and take care of yourself.

You know only how to cater to the narcissist. You become brainwashed into thinking that you deserve the abuse or that you are not really being abused at all. 

Abuse is abuse. Abuse is abuse. Abuse us abuse. 

abuse, abusive relationships, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, battered women, blame shifting, dating a narcissist, domestic abuse, domestic abuse blog, emotional abuse, gaslighting, gentlekindness coaching, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, Narcissists, narcopath, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Psychopath abusive relationship, PTSD from domestic abuse, red flags of an abusive person, red flags you are dating an abuser, tactics of the narcissist to manipulate, Uncategorized

Narcissists Lie to Shame You Into Submission

Narcissists speak lies on a regular basis. They intermix lies with the truth and reframe truth in ways that confuse your perception.

One of the ways narcissists lie has to do with time and and amount. This one is nearly impossible to detect unless you are aware of how they do this.

Let’s say the narcissist wants to give you the perception that they have been thinking of you a lot and making a great effort to get together with you….

Narcissist Version -I have been trying for three weeks to get ahold of you. You are very difficult to get ahold of.

Perception they want you to have – They have been trying hard to get ahold of you and there must be something wrong with your phone or email. You should feel guilty or at fault for not getting their messages

Truth- They did not think of you at all for the last few days ( or weeks) and left you three urgent sounding, annoyed messages within the last 24 hours that they cannot reach you.

Here is another example …

Narcissist – I am surprised you are spending Thanksgiving with us. This is the first one you have spent with us for many years

Perception they want you to have -You apparently have a bad memory of the last  several years.  Their account must be right. You should feel guilty for being selfish.

Truth – You have spent every single holiday with them, including Thanksgiving and Christmas for the last 7 years with the exception of last Thanksgiving that you spent with your grandmother , who had not seen you on a holiday in 7 years.

Here is one more for you…

Narcissist – I am always apologizing to you. You are attacking my self esteem. I should not have to apologize all the time. You always think you are in the right.

Perception they want you to have – You make them apologize often. You never apologize. You always point out when they do something you do not like.

Truth – You are always careful not to point out when they are wrong. You walk on egg shells around them so as not to upset them. They demand that you grovel at their feet when you make a tiny infraction of their rules, even if you had no possible way to comply or did not know they had changed the rules on you.

The narcissist uses these tactics to achieve a few things. The main one is to shame you and “put you in your place.”

They know that if they can make you feel bad for them or make you feel guilty, then they can manipulate you.

Emotional manipulation is one of the favorite tools of the narcissist. If they can force you into certain emotional states then they can control you.

Another reason they use these tactics is to play the victim. They do this to redirect your focus from the actual victim which is you.

As long as the narcissist can appear to be suffering from your maltreatment of them, they can deny any intentional abuse of you. After all…they are at the mercy of your bad behaviors…aren’t they?

 

 

 

abuse red flags, abusive men, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, domestic abuse, domestic violence, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, Narcissists, narcopath, no contact with the narcissist

No Contact with the Narcissist

no contact 8 months

November 15th will be my 8 month anniversary of NO CONTACT with my abusive partner. I still have narcissists in my family that I want to break contact with but I am stuck in the situation for the time being. Let us hope that I can get on my feet and be able to take control back of my life to the fullest extent. 

abuse poetry, dark poetry, domestic abuse, domestic violence, narcissism, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcopath, poetry, Psychopath abusive relationship, psychopathic abuse

Beauty in the Mist

He sees her from afar

She is untouchable

Unreachable

Isolated by her captor

As if she is lost behind the mist

Of the darkness of a summer evening

Full of ominous clouds

Predicting disaster…

He would revel in her beauty

and femininity

If only

he could have the chance

to hold her

to cherish her

To keep her safe

from the monster she is with..

But she is lost in a maze

where all paths lead to pain..

He knows she has lost her way

He watches her suffering

but to no avail

She cannot see him

or hear his pleas to her

To leave the monster

She does not know

that he would love her

in ways

she cannot imagine she deserves

because she is being suffocated

by the monster…

the psychopath that

keeps her imprisoned

by manipulating her reality

She serves the very monster

That will ultimately destroy her

For no other reason 

Than to see if he can…

The end will come soon

With a bullet to her head

or a beating black and blue

When she finally sees 

That she should have left the monster

Long ago

Before it was too late

abuse red flags, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, anti-social personality disorder, domestic abuse, domestic violence, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, psychopathic abuse

Songs for the Relationship I Left Behind – Let the Psychopathic Narcissist go

save yourself memeTape Song 

Black Balloon

The Last Goodbye

abusive relationships, emotional abuse, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, psychopathic abuse, red flags of a narcissist

Narcissists Combine Truth with Lies to Make you Believe Them

Narcissists are very good at persuasion techniques and ways to get you to trust them, in order to lure you in.

If you felt right away that they were not to be trusted then you would not have continued onto the next level of intimacy with them. 

Some narcissists actively study and train to learn these techniques and others just naturally develop them. Since they do not have to learn to follow the moral and ethical practices that other people do, it leaves them more time for learning these techniques by trial and error. 

Narcissists want to control people in order to extract narcissistic supply or to use them as sources for narcissistic supply in some way.

They can control you better if they learn about you. In order to learn about you they need you to reveal things about yourself to them.

You would not reveal personal things to someone like dreams, fears, and skeletons in your closet unless you felt like you could trust them with this intimate knowledge of you. They lure you into telling them about yourself by gaining your trust. 

The ways in which they gain your trust are intentional and basically a kind of hypnosis. 

There is something called Conversational Hypnosis, which is something that narcissists are good at. They have practice it over and over again and they have each developed their own special brand of brainwashing through hypnosis. 

This video that I have shared with you is a class by David Snyder. He is a really excellent teacher of hypnosis and NLP hypnosis. He teaches hypnosis to people who are therapists and life coaches amongst other professions that want to be able to lead people to certain goals. 

This type of hypnosis can be very helpful and add value to the lives of people, of the hypnotist has honest intentions and keeps the client safe. I have shared this video with you so that you can see that the techniques in this video are used by narcissists for malice.

If you have an opponent that is in a match with you and you do not understand the rules and techniques, but they do, this puts you at a great disadvantage. But once you understand the techniques that the narcissists use to lure you in, to get you to trust them and to believe the things they tell you, then you will be much harder to manipulate in the future. 

I recommend that you watch this video and see how he uses the technique of pacing and leading.

David Snyder defines a “pace”  as something in your present environment that the other person can verify as true. This means that the abuser will say things to you that you can validate as truth. 

Once they give you enough truth then your brain begins to expect that the next thing they say will be true. Once the victim’s brain sees that the narcissist is saying true things then it lowers its defenses (filters) and begins to accept the things the narcissist says as true. 

The next thing is called a “lead.” David Snyder defines a lead as something that you want the person to believe, to think, to say or to do. 

So the narcissist will give you 4 or 5 paces and then 1 lead. Then they will give you 4 paces and 2 leads. More and more the paces can become less and the they can give you more suggestions that they want you to believe to be true. 

Here is an example

Narcissist says…

“You are a single mother that has had to struggle with raising your kids on your own. You have had many obstacles in your life and you have overcome many things. Women have it hard when they have to work and also take care of their family. I really respect your resilience and I think you are to be commended. “

Do you see where this begins as true statements that you agree with and know to be true…and then…they tell you something that is not true but that they want you to believe? The “lead” that they want you to believe is that they have great respect for you and they think you deserve to be commended. 

In this context of the hypnotic pattern of pacing and leading, their words seem to be true and you do not question them. If they had just started off by saying “I have great respect for you and I think you are to be commended…you would not be sure of that were true about how they felt about you. 

During one conversation the narcissist can take you through this pattern of paces and leads many times. The more you begin to assume they are being transparent with you, the more you begin to trust them. The more you can validate the things they are saying are true, the more you will trust them. 

The narcissist can use this same technique to get you to believe the false self is really them. They begin by giving you “paces” which you can verify are true. They can tell you about the business they own and then show you the link to the web site. 

They can tell you that they specialize in a certain field and then demonstrate that they are knowledgeable in that field…or at least they can give you just enough that you believe they have proven that they are trained in that field. 

Then once they have given you things about themselves that your brain can verify to its satisfaction to be  true, then the narcissist can say something that you cannot verify but that your brain will accept as true.

This might be something about their personality that is not true such as …”I am a team player at work. I respect and listen to my employees”

Now you are seeing them as a person who respects their employees and someone that values people.

They might then give you some more paces and then tell you something like …”I am a loving kind of person. My employees feel like it is a family there. “

This of course is a complete lie since  their employees actually fear and loath them.  He controls and manipulates them and sucked the blood out of them while sadistically undermining and degrading them. 

But when he says it to you using the Conversational Hypnosis techniques, it really seems to be true. You feel as though he was telling you the truth from the beginning of the conversation and from then on you believe the things he tells you without question. 

Check out the video and have some fun with it. If you think of this as something new and fun to learn then I believe you will enjoy it. Instead of feeling bad about the games the narcissist played on you, learn the tactics they used so you can feel empowered. 

Once you know the rules they are playing by then they can no longer confuse and manipulate you without your knowledge and consent. At least not with this pace and lead technique. 

domestic abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse, malignant narcissistic personality disorder, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissistic abuse

What is a Good Excuse for Domestic Violence?

Please know that violence tends to escalate. It begins with control and manipulation with a threat of retaliation for non compliance.

Someone physically blocking you or stopping you from leaving the room or the house is an early red flag. Violence comes in increasing stages.

Violence can begin or end with psychological violence….the raping of the soul. If your identity is being stripped away or you are forced to hide your true self, then you are under diress.

Someone who is controlling you with fear is dangerous to you on every level. Even if tbey never strike you physically, if they are violating your core being then you need to escape.

Physical violence escalates each time. If tbey are punching walls and breaking your things, it is an intentional tactic to instill fear in you.

These are terror tactics just like terrorists use…only you are the target.

What is a good excuse for hitting you, bruising you, or physically intimidating you in any way? There is none. 

The very act of them coming up with excuses…such as you made them angry, they had a bad day or they had too much to drink….tells you that they are very dangerous.

Them making excuses means that there is always an excusable reason for violence and it will happen again.

There is no excuse for domestic violence or partner abuse. None.

Draw your boundaries and stick to them.

abuse red flags, abusive relationships, domestic abuse, domestic violence, healing from domestic abuse, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic psychopath, narcopath, psychopathic abuse

Overt Abuse vs. Covert Abuse

Abusers have a wide variety of skills and tactics concerning abuse of their victims.

OVERT ABUSE

Some abuse is “overt” which means that it is visible or otherwise able to be  observed by the five senses. Verbal abuse, sexual abuse, physical abuse such as hitting, kicking, burning and restraining the victim are some of the ways an abuser uses overt abuse. 

COVERT ABUSE

Covert abuse is invisible and often is not recognized by onlookers as abuse at all. Often the victim does not even see it until they are already affected in a psychological way by this abuse. This invisible abuse is premeditated and intentional on the part of the abuser. 

The victim may see the covert abuse as accidental and that the abuser does not realize what they are doing to them. Narcissists and psychopaths are aware of the covert abuse. They use is systematically to crush down the self esteem of the victim and their confidence in their own perception of reality. 

The abuser will create an illusion for the victim called “shared psychosis” which is an altered, twisted reality in which the abuser makes themselves necessary to the survival of the victim. The victim is brainwashed to believe that they need to advice, the presence, the wisdom and the protection of the abuser. 

GASLIGHTING

Gaslighting is a tactic used by the narcissist which has many faces. There are 4 or 5 ways that abusers can use to gaslight their victims. There is an intentional misleading, misinterpreting, twisting and altering of reality. The victim will become unsure of they can remember things properly because the abuser denies the things the victim remembers to be have happened. 

ABUSER ALTERS REALITY

The abuser will make the victim feel like there is a problem with their memory and that they cannot properly remember events and things that were said by the abuser. Narcissists and psychopaths will re-write events any way they see fit and call them reality.

The victim is commanded to believe the version of reality the abuser tells them to, rather than their own memory of the events. 

Over time the self esteem and self confidence of the victim is eroded away and they turn to the abuser to explain what is real to them. The abuser may suggest, accuse or cause the victim mental illness. The abuser will say that the victim is unable to tell reality from fantasy. 

Smear Campaign

On-lookers of the relationship often believe the abuser when he tells them how he has to deal with the antics of the “overly sensitive ” victim. The abuser will often play the victim themselves and tell people that their partner is abusing them, rather than the other way around. 

The abuser can make up stories about the victim or change things around to make the victim appear at fault. 

Being in a state of anxiety and exasperation, the victim may appear distraught and it can be misunderstood by others.

Friends, co-workers, church members, even therapists believe that the abuser is being victimized. They see the victim as mentally ill or as “too sensitive” depending on how the abuser describes them to others.

This is the beginning of a smear campaign of the victim that can often continue long after the relationship ends. The narcissist can ruin the reputation of the victim and strip them of any friends, allies or family support.

ABUSER APPEARS TO BE THE VICTIM

About the victim, people wonder “what happened to her?”

” She used to be level headed and now there is something wrong with her. See how she makes accusations of this person that has only tried to help her?”

Abuser can Appear Benevolent

The abuser may show others how he / she has tried to help the victim in so many ways with money, support, and advising them. The abuser comes off looking like the good partner who was taken advantage of. 

The narcissist wears a mask that people think is really them. It never occurs to people that are looking on from the outside of the relationship that he /  she  might be lying right to their face.

People do not expect people to lie about their entire personality.

People understand little lies and lies to get our of trouble but it does not occur to normal people that someone would lie about everything including who they are, what they want, how they feel and what they think altogether. 

Psychopaths  and narcissists are not just in the movies.

They make up 3 to 4 percent of the population. You have interacted with them and never even recognized them. They target people who are easy to manipulate. These are usually people with abuse and toxic shame from their childhood. 

People that come from covert abuse tactics during their childhood are more likely to fall for the lies of the narcissist. The narcissist pretends to want and care for the victim.

The love-bombing stage is the beginning of the lies. This is the first mask that the narcissist uses to lure the victim in. 

Abuse is abuse and it causes damage to the victim that takes a long time to heal from.