New post on the gentlekindness coaching facebook page
Psychic violence is an attack on your psychological well being. Psychopaths and malignant narcissists attack you in this manner, in order to make you spiritually weaker. Keep up some kind of spiritual practice for your own well being, whether it is yoga, meditation, drumming circles, church groups with trusted people, or watching videos that spiritually uplift you…ex. Teal Swan or Ajahn Brahm, the buddhist monk.
Important things to teach our children
-to think for themselves
-think through the words and behaviors of others
– to listen to your own intuition
– feelings in your head and your body are always telling you something
-If something feels wrong it probably is
-If something does not make sense to you, then someone may be manipulating you.
-Balance is important in everything…especially relationships
-You do not have to pay now to benefit later in a relationship. It is an idea the manipulative people want women to buy
-Everyone is not innately good, although many people are
-Don’t overlook things you do not like in a relationship just because you do not want to be alone
-Learn to be happy spending time alone
-You are worthy of being treated special
-Anyone who tells you that you cannot do better than them is lying
-You never deserve abuse
-If someone makes you feel bad a lot of the time, the relationship is not food for you
-Your self esteem is important and anyone who cares about you knows this
-No one should be condescending or sarcastic to you in a relationship
-There is “no time frame” for having to fall in love, get married or be committed
-Someone who loves you will not pressure you
-Someone who cares about you will not shame or guilt to manipulate you
-Punishments and retaliation are not part of a loving relationship
-You should not have to change for anyone
-No one is going to change for you
-There is no “point of no return” about leaving a relationship
-Another person does not make you “whole.” You are already complete.
-You don’t have to follow any path just because someone else wants you to.
Trauma from abuse never really goes away. It is a part of us that we have to live with every day. How that trauma affects us, depends on the person and the healing methods you are able to find that work for you.
Domestic abuse trauma is severe and can impact our lives negatively for a very long time. The attack on our self-esteem by our abuser was deliberate and insidious. Our abuser attempted to control our thoughts and behaviors by making us feel inadequate and ashamed.
The feelings of guilt, shame and worthlessness are carried with us, until we are able to acknowledge that we were truly traumatized and accept the fact that we sustained psychological injury from the abuse.
Once we can accept that we were not at fault, and did nothing to deserve to be abused, then we can begin to grow and learn how to cope with the mental injuries.
The scars of abuse will always be with us, but we can work towards reducing the open wounds in our emotions and our minds. When we have gaping, painful wounds, our everyday lives tend to revolve around them.
We try to avoid being “bumped into” in an emotional or mental way. Our brains cannot tolerate even the slightest thing that might re-traumatize us.
Anything that reminds us of the abuser, the circumstances surrounding the abuse, or how we felt during the abuse, may be intolerable. This may cause us to organize our lives around avoiding anything that might trigger a state of post traumatic stress. We will develop behavior patterns of avoidance and may be in a state of hyperarousal almost all of the time.
The hyper-arousal state is when all of our guards are up. We are constantly scanning our environment for possible threats. These may be physical threat or mental / emotional threats. Because of the damage our brains have already sustained, we cannot risk any more damage.
This is something we instinctively know. We know that we cannot tolerate any more trauma or any more re-traumatization.
When we are newly out of the traumatic situation, our ability to feel relaxed and feel safe has been compromised. There seem to be threats all around us. This is true for some victims, but every individual is unique.
Some people may go several months or more, without any noticeable symptoms, and then suddenly begin to show signs of post traumatic stress.
We lose our ability to trust our own judgement and may avoid any situation we are not sure of. We ended up in abuse one time and we are afraid to experience that again. We are also afraid to be triggered into having traumatic memories flooding back into our brains.
The memories of the abuse can be overwhelming and painful to us. We want to get away from them. There are people that remind us of our abuser in some way.
There are situations that remind us of situations we were in. There are also other things like locations, songs, sounds, sensations and objects that can remind us of the original trauma.
The individual triggers are different for different people. It is good to pay attention to what triggers you and be mindful of your reactions and feelings.
The more you understand about your own responses, be them behavioral or internal, the further along the path to healing you will be.
Here is a video from the Show Boundaries YouTube channel about a tapping technique that is for PTSD.
And here is a video from my YouTube channel about PTSD from abuse
For more info about healing from abuse, visit my web site at gentlekindnesscoaching.com
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Dance with beauty, dance
Like you did when you were younger
Do your dance with pure abandon
Sweetly sing and share your voice
Let your soulful spirit sour
Like a bird that first flies free
For you are prisoner no more
This is a great interview with Thomas Sheridan about psychopaths in society. He taks about how psychopaths target empaths, because compassionate, empathic people will feel sorry for them, when they tell you that initial sob story. They will tell you a story that they either make up, or exaggerate about how abused they have been , or some trauma in their life.
Then they will judge your reaction. They know how an empath will react to a story like that, and they evaluate their prey in this way.
They suck the energy and life force of empaths, in addition to manipulating you in order to get things from you.
He also discusses how psychopaths are parasites. They need to attach to enablers, codependents, and empaths, in order to feed off of your energy. They are sadistic and get pleasure from creating chaos and trauma in your life.
He also talks about the red flags to identify a psychopath. He talks about word salad and other language techniques. The are charming and mirror the qualities you want and the your core values. They want to jump into a relationship with a partner very fast, so that there is no time for the victim to recognize who they are.
He explains the way they use different masks, and they do not take any responsibility for things they did when they were using another mask. They never admit guilt for anything they do.
When you are a teenager, or a preteen, you are learning about yourself and also learning about what kinds of people you like to be around. You are hopefully living a happy, healthy life, but I realize that many of you are not living a home life that is mentally healthy.
Some of you have supportive parents and others of you have abusive parents. Whether they abuse is physical, sexual or mental / emotional , any kind of abuse will affect your judgement about selecting friends and boyfriends / girlfriends.
You have to know who you are. You are on a path of self discovery. As you learn about yourself, you also need to believe in yourself.
You are still developing your self esteem and your value system. You are still developing your personality and how you present yourself to the world. You are learning how to interact, how to attract others and what to do with them, once you attract them.
Here are some important things for you to remember, when you are dating.
1. You matter ! Your feelings and your thoughts matter.
2. Trust your feelings and your intuition. If you feel like something is wrong with w certain person, or a certain relationship, then listen to that intuition. It is there as an alert system for you.
3. Do not let others choose for you. People think they know who you are and who would be a good match for you, but they do not. You know what you want and need. NO one else can pick someone for you.
4. Do not choose someone, in accordance with what the social group wants you to do. Not only will individual people want to “set you up” , but the social group itself may have rules about who you can and cannot date. Be careful to think for yourself and not to let others think for you.
5. If you do not like being with someone, you never will. Do not try to force yourself to like a guy that you do not like, just so that you can have a boyfriend / or girlfriend. You are better on your own than with someone who you just do not like. Do not think that you can Make yourself like them, by hanging out with them.
6. Relationships Should be Balanced. There should be give and take in relationships. It should not be one-sided, where one person gets their way all the time. One person should not be dominating over the other person.
7. No Abuse! The No Abuse Rule Cannot be Broken. No one can abuse you for any reason that makes it okay. Abuse includes being physically rough with you. This includes talking you into sex that you do not feel comfortable with.
Abuse is also any emotional or mental torment. If anyone is manipulative with you, by making you feel bad (guilty, shame, sad, scared) then that is abuse.
Abuse can be mental abuse, which could be trying to make you into someone you are not. Making you feel stupid, making you feel embarrassed in front of other people. Being nicer to your friends than to you. There are many mentally and emotionally abuse behaviors and you can read about them in some of my other posts.
8. Your Parents Can Not Choose for you. Your parents may thing they know someone who would be a good match for you. Most guys will act a certain way in front of your parents, that does not allow your parents to see everything about them. There is not enough information that your parents can get from any girl or boy that you like, in order to know how they will treat you.
PLEASE NOTE – If you have good parents that are not abusive, they will be looking out for you. I did say that they cannot choose someone for you, however they can WARN YOU if someone seems to be abusive or a very bad match for you. When you have feelings for someone, it is easy to miss red flags, but your parents may pick up on them.
9. Communication is Very Important. You should be able to communicate with the person you are dating, You should be able to talk about your thoughts, opinions and your feelings.
If they shut you down, and do not care about your feelings, then you should move on and let them go.
If they always have to be right and do not want your opinions or thoughts about things, they are a potential abuser and you need to get out.
10. It is okay to be on your own. It is okay to not have a boyfriend or a girlfriend. You do not have to be with someone all the time, or at all. If you have recently come out of a break up, then it is good to wait a while before jumping into a new relationship. Your emotions need to heal before you will have a good perspective to make good choices.
It is ok to be on your own. You do not need to be with someone, in order to be cool. You do not need someone in order to be happy. In fact some people will make you miserable.
It is ok to be on your own, just because you want to. You have a lot of things to do, with school, family and activities. Relationships take time and you may not have the time right now.
It is okay to be on your own. It is okay if no one has asked you out. There are always some girls who seem to get asked out all the time. You might be the one that no one seems interested in.
This is probably because you are a real person. You are not all fluff and puff. You have depth and intelligence. There will be someone that will really respect and love you for that. But the “click” people and the “popular” crowds do not like independent thinkers.
Be yourself. Do Not Change to fit in. DO not change to get a guy. be yourself and the right guy will come along. You would not be happy with these superficial people anyway. You would be frustrated and bored.
You need someone with some depth and intelligence. You will have to wait patiently until that special person comes along, because there are not as many independent thinkers as there are “crowd pleasers”
Guess what? This guy is also wondering where you are ! He is somewhere with people that he does not fit in with. He is the one not getting asked out, because he does not fit in with the group. They are waiting to meet you.
It takes practice and patience to learn to hear your own intuition and inner voice, after you have been conditioned over time to ignore your own true perceptions.
You have a wisdom inside of you that is compassionate and intelligent. You can choose to perceive yourself and the world around you in a whole new way !
The narcissist tried to silence your voice, minimize it, confuse it and discredit it. But you still have an inner voice inside of you…. that can lead you in ways that will support your mental and emotional health.
Feel your senses and what they are telling you.
Every sensation is part of your guidance system. If something feels wrong, it probably is.
You can Learn How to Over-ride the Untrue Perceptions
Learn to trust your intuition and to hear your own guiding voice. There are other voices in your head, but you can learn to tell which one is your own. Programming put into your brain during childhood emotional and mental abuse will cause the negative “tapes” that play inside your head.
Negative tapes playing in your head, are just left over voices with false information from other people.
Things you hear yourself thinking that are negative about yourself, are like computer viruses that were put into your brain, without your consent!
When you are very young, you depend on your parents and caretaker to interpret the world for you. You turn to them to explain the meaning of things that happen.
Children need to know they have innate value, that is detached from mistakes they make or things they do. You have innate value. The things you do or do not do, do not change your true worth as a person.
Once you know that you have worth, then you will be able to do and try things you could never have imagined you could do !
Self soothing is an important skill that people who grew up in emotionally abusive households, never were taught. You were not taught to sooth yourself, but rather you were taught to berate yourself and shame yourself.
Children and teenagers need guidance to learn how to sooth themselves, when something bad happens. If you have C-PTSD from mental abuse as a child, then your feelings about bad things that happened to you were minimized, criticized and called selfish.
Learning what selfish is Not
You need to learn that it is not selfish to set boundaries, and to protect your emotional and mental health. You have every right to take care of your own brain and your own heart.
If you grew up in an abusive environment, then you were told it was selfish when you tried to express your feelings about the things that were happening around you. The controlling parent wanted everything to revolve around them. They never considered your feelings about decisions they made, or their behaviors.
You probably developed “emotophobia” from being shut down every time you expressed your feelings about ad things that happened. Even expressing good feelings like joy, and self esteem were crushed down, and called selfish.
The Shaming Voice
Shaming is one of the worst of the “viruses” that was programmed into you. No one self shames naturally. Babies do not come into the world feeling shame.
Parents that are manipulative, narcissistic, and mentally abusive, shame you for things that you should not have had to feel bad about. Now as an adult, you still hear those voices in your head anytime you make a mistake, or even do anything that elicits a negative reaction from other people.
What Thoughts are Your Own?
Thoughts that you are a bad person, that you are inadequate, and that you will fail when you try to do something….these were programmed into you over years of negative reactions to you by your caretakers and people you trusted to love you.
Other people may have added to your negative perceptions about yourself. Teachers, bullies that were your peers, abusive babysitters and other people that you were exposed to as a child, may have added their own toxic spice to your view of yourself.
When you feel passionate about doing something that you feel called to do…
When you feel confident about something you want to give to the world…
When you know just for a second that you have something special to offer to the world, because only you have the unique gifts that you were born with….
When you feel called to help someone else, or other people in some way, by using your own ideas, knowledge, love, and other gifts…
These things are your own voice and you can tell because these thoughts support you.
When that thought comes in that tells you that …
you are not good enough
you are inadequate
there is something wrong with you
you do not deserve to be happy
you have nothing special to offer
you will just screw it up so why bother trying…
These are the NOT your own thoughts and you can tell because they do not support you.
You have my permission….to give yourself permission to….. Let Go of All Thoughts and Behaviors that No Longer Support You.
Just because someone told you that these negative perceptions about yourself were true, does not make them true!
Living in an abusive, chaotic traumatic childhood left emotional wounds on your heart. These wounds are carried around by you.
They are fed by the negative thoughts that someone once told you were true. Thoughts that you are not good enough. Thoughts that the world around you cannot be trusted and that you should shut yourself down and never try to bloom into the beautiful flower that you really are.
Abusive Partners Re-open Old Emotional Wounds
Old emotional wounds were reinforced by any abusive partners you ended up with as an adult.
Abusive partners are highly skilled at identifying and re-opening old emotional wounds. Narcissist and psychopaths target people who are carrying emotional wounds from childhood. They can identify you from other people.
Abusers know how to gain your trust , so that you will reveal all of your weaknesses and wounds to them. Then they will turn the table and throw salt in your wounds, in order to control you.
Your reptilian (primal) brain always tries to keep you away from danger. The abuser know how to activate that fight or flight mode in your brain, and make you feel in danger.
The reopening of emotional wounds is so painful, that it is one of the favorite tools of the narcissist to use against you.
They will make it clear to you that they will injure you in the worst possible ways, if you do not comply with them. They will use your old wounds against you, by threatening to, and by throwing salt into them.
You will want to avoid this pain by any means possible, and then you will comply with them in order not to have to be re-traumatized by someone recreating your past trauma for you.
You Can Self Generate Feelings of Self Worth
Once you realize that the negative programs in your brain, are not true, then you can begin to re-write these programs in ways that best support you. You never learned to self generate feelings of self worth, but you can learn now.