abuse poetry, dark poetry, domestic abuse, domestic violence, narcissism, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcopath, poetry, Psychopath abusive relationship, psychopathic abuse

Beauty in the Mist

He sees her from afar

She is untouchable

Unreachable

Isolated by her captor

As if she is lost behind the mist

Of the darkness of a summer evening

Full of ominous clouds

Predicting disaster…

He would revel in her beauty

and femininity

If only

he could have the chance

to hold her

to cherish her

To keep her safe

from the monster she is with..

But she is lost in a maze

where all paths lead to pain..

He knows she has lost her way

He watches her suffering

but to no avail

She cannot see him

or hear his pleas to her

To leave the monster

She does not know

that he would love her

in ways

she cannot imagine she deserves

because she is being suffocated

by the monster…

the psychopath that

keeps her imprisoned

by manipulating her reality

She serves the very monster

That will ultimately destroy her

For no other reason 

Than to see if he can…

The end will come soon

With a bullet to her head

or a beating black and blue

When she finally sees 

That she should have left the monster

Long ago

Before it was too late

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abuse red flags, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, anti-social personality disorder, domestic abuse, domestic violence, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, psychopathic abuse

Songs for the Relationship I Left Behind – Let the Psychopathic Narcissist go

save yourself memeTape Song 

Black Balloon

The Last Goodbye

domestic abuse, domestic violence, life, mental abuse, mental health

Physical Abuse and the Ongoing Injury in My Neck

Loud sudden noises frighten me and make me jump. I have been wondering why that is and it finally occurred to me that it is the PTSD from domestic abuse.

The way I figured that out was that when I hear loud sudden noises, I cover my face and head. I reach my hands towards my head to protect it. Loud noises are associated in my brain with getting hit. My brain must have wired itself to cover my face when loud sudden noises occur.

It is the same when people reach toward my face.  Even if someone is reaching for the ketchup at a dinner table, I feel my hand jumping up to cover my head and face. Hands coming towards me are associated with being hit in the head.

My mother used to hit me in the head at the dinner table, if I said something she did not like.

When I lived with abusive people, they would bang, smash and break things when I did anything that enraged them. Or they would just get enraged all on their own.

The sound of loud noises frightens me because my brain associates them with immediate danger. My brain will then go into a post traumatic stress reaction. The high adrenaline, fight or flight mode.

One of my ex boyfriends hit me in the jaw really hard once.  There is still damage to my neck from my head being thrown back, when he hit my jaw from the front. It threw my head and neck backwards. I remember having bruising not just at the impact, but also under my entire jaw line all the way to my ears, on both sides.

I was standing up and he was sitting on a chair about 4  or 5 feet in front of me. He was angry because I was asking him not to get drunk in the house with my kids. He wanted me to give him money to buy beer. I had already given him all I could possibly afford for the week.

I told him it was getting too expensive to keep buying him that much beer. He was not working and he kept taking money out of my purse. So, that is what the “wrong thing” was that I did.

He suddenly jumped up and came towards me very fast. I had no time to move out of the way. He slammed his shoulder right into my jaw, and left me standing there completely stunned. I saw stars going around my eyes, just like in the cartoons.

There is still some residual bruising on the front of my chin area, all these years later…maybe 5 or so years…I cannot remember right now.

I was surprised by the hit because he had not hit me before and I was not prepared for the impact. It almost knocked me down, but not quite. It just injured my jaw, chin and neck. There is a  herniated disc in my neck and a couple of other bulging discs, according to the  CT scan I had a couple of years ago.

I did not go to the ER or the doctor at the time. I was afraid.

It was a couple of years ago that I told my dr about the incident and that I was having pain in that areas of my neck. I still can hardly sit in the passenger seat of a car, because every bump and turn hurts my neck.

Blessings to all for peace and healing,

Annie

abuse, domestic abuse, domestic violence, life, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse

Compassion for Yourself…Your Healing Begins with You

bfmh15-4-copy

“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”

http://blogformentalhealth.com/take-the-pledge/

What would you say to a friend who came to you with bruises on her face? How would you feel about her being abused and what things would you wish for her?

How would you feel if she tried to justify the abuser’s behavior by telling you that she had caused it, by triggering him in some way? Would you feel any sympathy for the abuser or tell her to go back to him and try to do better? Do you think that anything about her personality was deserving of the bruises on her face?

What If she were mentally tortured by verbal abuse and gaslighting, to the point that her brain was no longer functioning normally anymore? She was afraid to leave the house, visit her friends or do any of things that she used to love.

Would you want her to get out, get help, and heal from her mental wounds? Would you want her to continue to spiral down the path into further mental destruction?

When you think of this friend, you have compassion for her. You may even have anger towards the thought of the abuser. You know that she is not deserving of abuse and that she is deserving of love. You feel kindness and understanding towards her, don’t you?

What if it were your sister? Your daughter? Your mother? Your co-worker?

How would you want her treated, once she had left the abuse? Would you think she needed time to mentally heal? Would you want her to have support and gentleness from others, about her healing?

What if this person were you? If this person is you, can you offer yourself the same compassion, forgiveness, and compassion that you would offer your friend? You need the same kindness that this friend, that I had you picture in your imagination, needs.

You need kindness and compassion from others, but it all starts with you !

You have to be understanding with yourself. It takes time to heal and it takes however much time it takes. truthfully the past abuse will never go away. It will always be something that happened to you.

You are allowing yourself time to heal, forgiveness for your imperfections, and the general kindness that anyone should have, if they have suffered such trauma. This is real brain trauma. it creates actual organic changes within the brain…Your brain !

Be kind to yourself with your thoughts. Think about yourself as you would think about your friend. Be there and be supportive of your own path to healing, however long it takes. Don’t judge yourself. Don’t think in terms of “should” be able to …or “should not have…”

The truth is the truth and what you did is what you did.  You endured what had to be enured. You worked your way out when the timing of getting out was right for you.

If you are still living in the abuse, then forgive yourself for that too, but begin to work on your plan today. Be careful and get support from outside sources that can be trusted, even if you cannot trust family members. If you need people that are disconnected from your life to help you, for the sake of safety, then seek outside help.

Treat yourself the way you would  treat any woman you knew that came to you in distress. Any woman who was in danger of her physical or mental safety.  Healing starts within you and with your ability to feel compassion for yourself.

Blessings,

Annie

domestic abuse, domestic violence, gaslighting, life, mental abuse, mental health, post traumatic stress disorder, post traumatic stress disorder from domestic abuse . mental abuse, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse

Why Do I Miss the Partner Who Was Mentally Abusive to Me? Why am I so Lonely ?

Question:

How can I feel okay after the relationship with an abusive person ends? Why do I feel so lonely and miss them?

Answer:

You will not feel ok, at the beginning. It is very painful and I empathize with the extreme emotional trauma of the breakup. Due to the tendency of a narcissist to become blended with you , when you break up, it is hard to function without them. They will do much better than you and recover faster.

The illusion is that they are very needy of you and that you are their angel and savior. It seems like they should have an emotional crisis and be in the same pain you are after the breakup, but it is usually much more painful for the victim.

You actually loved them and felt real caring for them. You probably still worry if they will be able to survive without you. But they are good at getting people to the things they want and need them to do. They will manipulate them with flattery, and a seemingly humble deferring to their expertise.

They will then appear as a helpless, victimized person who is desperate for the other person’s help. They will get help and be able to find people to be there for them. Believe me.

You can let that worry go, and that will help you to start with. You do not have to feel guilty about breaking up.

The other reason you feel pain, is that the narcissist was involved in every aspect of your life and in every part of your day. There is no thing you can do, that does not make you feel like you should be doing it with them. You feel like you should be consulting with them, checking in with them, getting approval from them.

You temporarily lost your individual identity to this relationship. It will take time to get it back and learn to make your own choices without feeling guilty. Remember, in healthy relationships, people do not have to get permission for everything they do or include the partner in everything they do all day.

There was a feeling that you thought was love from them, but it was their need to be in control over you and over everything. They scolded you if you did not call them bout your plans and also if you did not schedule your day around them.

You become used to scheduling your day around the other person. It feels like you are working as a team to d that, but the question is,”How many times did they ever, work their schedule around you? How many times did they ever put your needs before their own?”

In contrast, “How many times did you rearrange things for them because they told you it was an emergency? How many times did you sacrifice and put your needs before theirs??”

Part of you knew that this was not right. You knew that if they really loved you, then they would put your needs as a priority sometimes, especially when you were suffering for some reason. But what happened every time you needed them to help you? They suddenly had a crisis that was much more important than yours. Something suddenly came up that was a life and death circumstance with their job and they had to tell you “NO” this time.

How many times did you ever tell them no? What happened when you did try to tell them you could not do something?

How many times did they tell you “ok no problem” when you asked for something? When they did do something for you, how many times did they remind you about it? Did they use it as an excuse not to do anything for you, for a long time after that?

On the other hand, how many favors would you do for them in a row? When you tried to say “N0” to the 20th favor they asked, because you were overloaded, how did they respond? Did they make you feel like a bad partner? Did they mention the one favor they did for you? Did they seem to completely forget all of the other things you have ever done for them, like they did not exist?

Yeah, been there, done that.

It is going to hurt. But it will get less over time. The more of your identity you get back, the better. The more you become comfortable with making your choices and running your own schedule again, the better.

abuse, acoa, battered women, child abuse, domestic abuse, domestic violence, health, healthy relationships after domestic abuse, mental abuse, mental illness, narcissist, PTSD from domestic abuse, women abuse

Abuse and Insomnia

People that are in an abusive domestic household are very likely to develope insomnia. There is a tremendous lack of feeling safe. In order to sleep, we have to feel comfortable and safe.

We are aware that we are vulnerable when we are asleep. We are vulnerable to physical attack. We cannot see someone coming towards us. We also cannot protect our home, our possessions, our cash and credit cards, etc while we are sleeping.

For those people with children in the house, they also can’t protect their children while they are asleep.

People in these situations are forced by real safety issues to adjust their sleep routine. They may sleep in the living room with the lights on. They may create some kind of makeshift blockade for the person to be slowed down by , on the way to the bed.

I used to hide my purse in a different place each night before I went to sleep. I also used to pile things in front of the couch I was sleeping on to create a barrier. I always slept with the light on.

These behaviors become a routine that makes us feel safer. It is not surprising that the routine will be carried on, even when we have left the danger behind us.

To this day, I sleep with my purse right next to the bed. I cannot sleep if it is in the kitchen, even if I am alone in the house. It causes me too much anxiety to sleep, even though I rationally know that no one is going to steel my money.

The feeling that my money could be stolen and my personal items thrown out all over the floor, is an extremely unsafe feeling.

I spent an entire winter in New Jersey with no heat once, because of financial abuse of a domestic partner. He thought his beer and cigarettes were more important than filling up the oil for the heat.

These behaviors are not something you should feel ashamed of or stupid about. Of course you are an intelligent person who knows that the abuse is in the past.

You know that these behaviors are no longer needed. Or are they? If you still need these routines in order to feel safe to go to sleep, I would say go ahead and leave the lights on, sleep on the couch or whatever. It is more important that you sleep.

You went through an extreme trauma and your brain needs to heal. Your brain is trying to protect itself from more trauma. If forcing yourself to put the purse in the kitchen is going to traumatize you, don’t do it.

If you still have the feeling of being unsafe when you sleep, try to think of ways that you might feel safer. I don’t care how stupid someone else might think it is.

The therapist might tell you to force yourself not to keep the same rituals you had when you were being abused. It really depends. It is the lesser of the evils.

If the behavior is not hurting anyone or yourself then it is ok to continue it for as long as you need to. The need for sleep is far more important than forcing yourself out of safety rituals before your brain is ready to handle it.

Sleep deprivation is dangerous to you. It is far more important that you can sleep than almost anything else, including what some therapist tells you.

Insomnia causes severe sleep deprivation. Your sleep cycle is disturbed. You will eventually not be safe to drive. Your job will be in harm’s way because you will be in danger of oversleeping and cannot focus at work.

Give yourself a break. First things first. Your brain needs to heal from the trauma. You need sleep to heal.

Sleep first, feel better, feel safe, then worry about having odd behaviors.

Find ways you can feel safe. Keep someone on the phone with an open line while you are going to sleep, sleep with teddy bears, sleep on the couch or in your child’s room with them. Buy extra locks for the doors.

Talk to someone at bed time about how you feel about sleeping. Write your feelings down on paper or on wordpress. Sleep with your clothes on if you need to. God knows , I slept with all of my clothes on for months after I got out of my abuse house.

I slept in everything but my shoes.   Keep in mind, I was sleeping all alone in my room .

There was no one dangerous or abusive living with me anymore. But my need to feel covered was a strong need of my brain in order to feel safe enough to sleep.

These things can’t be rushed. Your brain has the job of protecting you by alerting you of danger. When the brain becomes traumatized by being on alert too long, it gets kind of sick.

It can’t just shut off. It still feels the need to protect you by letting you know you might be in danger. Let it slowly get used to the idea that you are ok now.

Trying to force yourself out of trauma will cause you more trauma. Be kind to yourself. Do the best you can to make yourself comfortable and safe, so you can sleep.

If you still can’t sleep at night then try to get some sleep during the day. Sleep deprivation will inhibit the brain’s ability to heal from the trauma.

abuse, battered women, domestic abuse, domestic violence, healthy relationships after domestic abuse, how to have a healthy relationship after domestic abuse, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, narcissist, PTSD from domestic abuse, relationships, self esteem, women abuse

Love Your Partner Because You Want to…relationships after domestic abuse

Living with narcissistic abuse has an effect of making us feel unworthy. Many of us leave abuse, only to repeat the behaviors we learned from the abuser. The narcissist taught us that we had to give and give in order to be loved. We were not worthy of love simply based on who we are.

The narcissist taught us that we had to give unreasonable amounts to them. Unreasonable amounts of effort, unreasonable amounts of time and unreasonable sacrifices of our own lives. We were expected to give up the people and the things we loved, in order to prove that we loved them.

Constant sacrificing to the point of your own personal detriment is not love. Someone expecting you to sacrifice your dreams and the the things you love, is not love on their part.

We are worthy of love. It is not our actions and sacrifices that make us worthy. It is the person that we are. A partner should find value in just being with us, being close to us, being loved by us. There is no need for constant demands from someone. We should not have to give so much more to them, than they even come close to giving to us.

There should not be a balance scale or a meter that they hold up against us, to measure how many things we have done for them today. They should not compare us to ex girlfriends on how much we give. They should not compare us to other women in other relationships.

Narcissists are masters of deception. Make no mistake, they twisted the truth around in their favor. When they compared you to an ex girlfriend, they were not telling you the whole story. When they are telling you to be like “So and so’s ” wife, they are making that situation up too.

They demand not only for you to be perfect, but to be more than perfect. They do not want a perfect woman; they want a slave. The narcissist wants a slave that will be there at his beck and call.

They change the rules on us as we go. As soon as we think we have the perfect routine down that will please them, they change the rules. It is all about domination by lowering your self esteem. They do not want you to feel good about yourself, or ability to be a good wife or a good girlfriend to them. They want you to feel inadequate and worthless.  That is how they control you.

Once you have self esteem, then you realize that you do not deserve to be treated in the ways that they treat you. They wold lose their power ti control and rule you, if you were to recover your self esteem. The narcissist game is to constantly crush your self esteem down.

So, what does this mean for us once we are out? We still carry those feelings of being inadequate and worthless. We still feel that in order for someone to love us, we must be at their beck and call 24 hours a day. We must give more to our partner than they give to us. We must constantly measure what we have done recently for them.

In a new healthy relationship, we need to feel that we are worthy to be loved. We can do living things for our partner, but that is what they are…loving acts. If we do a loving act for our partner, it does not need to go onto a list. It is simply something we did because we love them.

When our new healthy partner does something for us, we need to feel worthy to receive it. They should be doing it for us, out of love. If they show us care and love, by doing something for us, then it is because we are worthy of that love.

Little by little, we need our self esteem back. It will allow us to be truly loving to our partner. We will be able to show them our love, because we want to, and not because we are afraid not to.