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Abuse is Abuse

You do not deserve to be abused in any way.

Physical abuse is what people think of when they hear the term domestic violence. People who are enduring other forms of abuse often do not seek help from places that help domestic abuse victims. 

Emotional and mental abuse is also abuse.

It is devastating just like physical abuse is. Victims of physical abuse say that they endured severe psychological damage from the mind games, the demeaning, the verbal assaults and the gaslighting of the abuser. 

Victims of physical abuse often have PTSD from the emotional aspect of the abuse.

The nightmares and the flashbacks are due to the fact that a person filled with darkness entered their minds and manipulated their perceptions of reality. 

Abuse victims are made to feel inferior to the abuser.

They are made to live in fear of disagreeing and disobeying the narcissistic partner. This is the same for victims of emotional / mental abuse, whether or not there is physical element to the abuse.

Many agencies that offer assistance to abuse victims recognize that you can be abused without being hit or struck in any way. There is still a constant fear of the abuser. There is a fear of what they will do if you cross them. 

Living like a slave to a person that you loved and tried to care for, is torture. Living like a slave to a person that claims, or once claimed to love you is torture. 

The abuser is skilled at knowing how to trick you into revealing things about yourself that they can use against you. They know how to elicit the strongest emotions in you. 

Once the honeymoon, idealization phase is over, they systematically destroy your soul. They suck all of your life energy and your will to be yourself. 

They strip you of your ability to love and take care of yourself.

You know only how to cater to the narcissist. You become brainwashed into thinking that you deserve the abuse or that you are not really being abused at all. 

Abuse is abuse. Abuse is abuse. Abuse us abuse. 

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PTSD from Narcissistic / Domestic Abuse

abuse, abusive relationships, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, battered women, blame shifting, dating a narcissist, domestic abuse, domestic abuse blog, emotional abuse, gaslighting, gentlekindness coaching, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, Narcissists, narcopath, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Psychopath abusive relationship, PTSD from domestic abuse, red flags of an abusive person, red flags you are dating an abuser, tactics of the narcissist to manipulate, Uncategorized

Narcissists Lie to Shame You Into Submission

Narcissists speak lies on a regular basis. They intermix lies with the truth and reframe truth in ways that confuse your perception.

One of the ways narcissists lie has to do with time and and amount. This one is nearly impossible to detect unless you are aware of how they do this.

Let’s say the narcissist wants to give you the perception that they have been thinking of you a lot and making a great effort to get together with you….

Narcissist Version -I have been trying for three weeks to get ahold of you. You are very difficult to get ahold of.

Perception they want you to have – They have been trying hard to get ahold of you and there must be something wrong with your phone or email. You should feel guilty or at fault for not getting their messages

Truth- They did not think of you at all for the last few days ( or weeks) and left you three urgent sounding, annoyed messages within the last 24 hours that they cannot reach you.

Here is another example …

Narcissist – I am surprised you are spending Thanksgiving with us. This is the first one you have spent with us for many years

Perception they want you to have -You apparently have a bad memory of the last  several years.  Their account must be right. You should feel guilty for being selfish.

Truth – You have spent every single holiday with them, including Thanksgiving and Christmas for the last 7 years with the exception of last Thanksgiving that you spent with your grandmother , who had not seen you on a holiday in 7 years.

Here is one more for you…

Narcissist – I am always apologizing to you. You are attacking my self esteem. I should not have to apologize all the time. You always think you are in the right.

Perception they want you to have – You make them apologize often. You never apologize. You always point out when they do something you do not like.

Truth – You are always careful not to point out when they are wrong. You walk on egg shells around them so as not to upset them. They demand that you grovel at their feet when you make a tiny infraction of their rules, even if you had no possible way to comply or did not know they had changed the rules on you.

The narcissist uses these tactics to achieve a few things. The main one is to shame you and “put you in your place.”

They know that if they can make you feel bad for them or make you feel guilty, then they can manipulate you.

Emotional manipulation is one of the favorite tools of the narcissist. If they can force you into certain emotional states then they can control you.

Another reason they use these tactics is to play the victim. They do this to redirect your focus from the actual victim which is you.

As long as the narcissist can appear to be suffering from your maltreatment of them, they can deny any intentional abuse of you. After all…they are at the mercy of your bad behaviors…aren’t they?

 

 

 

abusive relationships, dating a narcissist, healing from narcissistic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcopath, Psychopath, psychopathic abuse

Taking the Red Pill of Narcissistic Abuse

If the eyes are the windows to the soul then grief is the door.  As long as it’s closed it’s the barrier between knowing and not knowing. Walk away from it and it stays closed. But open it and walk through it and the pain becomes the truth.  

Dexter tv series

The above quote is from the TV Series called Dexter. Ironically it is the psychopath Dexter that says this in episode 2 of Season 2. He was coming to terms with having murdered his own brother. 

As you know, psychopaths do not experience remorse or empathy like the rest of us but the writers of the show have to make the character likely somehow. It is hard for people to feel empathy towards a character that feels nothing. So they added this bit about Dexter feeling remorse about his brother and they gave the character PTSD from a childhood traumatic experience. 

The quote itself does tell a truth that I want to talk about with you a little bit today. The grief from narcissistic abuse is complex and difficult to overcome. It is multi layered and often easier to ignore than to deal with. 

The pain from narcissistic abuse encompasses all of you.  In some ways it is more painful than the abuse you experienced when you were with the abuser. People who never went through this have no idea why it seems to take us so long to “just get over it.”

The “red pill” reference is from the movie The Matrix. in the movie there was a red pill that was taken by people who felt that they wanted to see reality for what it really was. 

As Morpheus says in the movie “You were born into a prison you cannot smell, or taste or touch”

Taking the red pill meant a dissolving of the illusion of the matrix. The matrix was a false reality that the abusers in the movie (generated by the computer brain) created to make the people submissive. The computer fed off of the life force of the human bodies, while the actual bodies were in pods with tubes feeding off them. 

To the abusers the people were only food. The false reality that was created for them was designed to keep them from knowing they were being abused. The people just go through their lives oblivious to the fact that abusers like the computer brain even exist. 

Before we take the first red pill, victims are unaware of the scope and magnitude of narcissistic and psychopathic abuse. The first red pill comes with an earth shattering force that knocks the wind out of you. There are days when you wish you could take the “blue pill” which erases your memory about the matrix. 

After the first red pill are more red pills. Little by little we realize just how insidious the abuser really was. The abuser haunts our nightmares and keeps us awake at night. It is like they left a piece of them in our minds. 

In The Matrix, Morpheus says “Unfortunately no one can tell you what the matrix is. You have to see it for yourself. “

Once we begin to heal from the abuse and hear other victim’s stories, we see how narcissists are all around. We begin to feel like everyone is a narcissist and are almost paranoid as we search the faces of each person we meet. 

The truth about narcissism is all around us but we never saw it before. The toxic people that have manipulated and abused us…bosses, parents, boyfriends, in-laws, neighbors, landlords…

Was is better living in the matrix?  Do you wish you could go back and never had ingested that very first red pill?

The answer to that question is for you to answer. Not knowing  about the matrix keeps us controlled and manipulated by others. 

Knowing about the matrix means that we have to live the truth of narcissism. It means that we know psychopaths really exist and are not just in the movies. They are not just in the lives of someone in the news, but they are as close to us as the neighbor next door.

There are some YouTube personalities that tell you that narcissists and psychopaths make up about 1 percent of the population. However the CDC (Center for Disease Control) has done studies that say that the percentage is more like 3 to 4 percent. 

You are a survivor and a warrior. You are stronger than you think. Now you are one of the ones who has taken that red pill and can see the matrix for what it is. 

Sometimes it feels like you are in more danger now, but that it just because you are aware of the danger and you were not before. The truth is that you are safer now than you ever were before. 

You are learning about the red flags of abusers. You are learning about the tactics of narcissists and psychopaths. You have support from other survivors online.

Survivors of narcissistic abuse are a tribe all our own and we are hear to help and support one another. 

You will learn about co-dependence and people pleaser syndrome. You are learning how not to be a target for abusive people. You will not be taken in by the love bombing again.

You are okay. You will become stronger as you go. The matrix becomes more clear as you go along. Sometimes you still want to take a blue pill and forget. Sometimes you want to forget but you don’t really want to go back. 

Remember that “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” This means that the things you are used to doing and the thoughts you are used to thinking will perpetuate themselves.  When you practice thinking in different ways, your brain will think in new ways.

You can re-wire bad thought patterns that were programmed into you during your childhood. If you were taught that you should tolerate abuse, then it was wired into your neuronal pathways. The way to re-wire it is to think in new ways on a regular basis.

Question the thoughts that you have and the feelings that tell you that you have to tolerate abuse.

There is no going back…only going forward. Life is path and you create the path under your feet as you walk upon it. Make your path unique and magical!

abusive relationships, anti-social personality disorder, domestic abuse, healing after narcissistic abuse, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcopath, psychopathic abuse, victim of narcissist

One more day to my 6 Month Anniversary of No Contact from the Narcissist

It has been 4 months since I wrote my 3 month No Contact Anniversary Post. On March 14 will be my 6 month anniversary of being narcissist free. What’s more ..I have not entered into any other relationship.

I used to always grab the next guy I saw and go into a serious relationship right away. I could not stand the toxic loneliness that came with being alone, especially right after a break-up. I have gone from one relationship right into another since I was a teenager.

This is the first time I held out and endured the loneliness. It can be done! Not only that, it gives you time to get to know yourself better and to heal from the trauma of an abusive relationship before you get involved with someone else.

When you give yourself this time, you can rebuild your self esteem and become stronger in your own identity. You can now wait for the right person rather than jumping into a relationship with someone you do not know that well…who usually turns out to be another narcissist.

You do not recognize them as a narcissist, especially if you have not studied about the red flags and also learned to establish healthy boundaries for yourself. You need time to yourself to find out what boundaries you need to have and how to define and maintain them.

In order to avoid ending up with another abuser, you need to be okay by yourself first. If you are suffering from toxic loneliness and just want to jump into something as a distraction from your pain, then a narcissist or a psychopath is going to recognize you as an easy target.

They know how to spot you in a room full of people, on the internet from what you write, over the phone from the things you say or anywhere they see you. In one conversation they can tell if you will be compliant with them when you feel the threat of abandonment.

Narcissists are well trained at spotting codependent people and people that have People Pleaser Syndrome. They know that you are afraid to be alone and that you need to be validated by another person for your self esteem and self worth.

Before you go into another relationship you have to learn to self-generate your own feelings of self worth. You need to be secure in the fact that you are worthy because of who you are and not because of what you do.

People that grew up with a narcissistic or otherwise abusive parent learn that they are only loved based on what they do. They learn to cater and comply with the narcissistic parent to avoid punishment and retaliation. They learn that love is based on how well you please the narcissist.

But this is not what real love is. When someone really loves and cares about you, it is because they appreciate you for who you are inside. They should not play games making you jump through hoops just to get their attention and affection.

Six months is probably the minimum amount of time that it takes to get all these things together. I am still not ready for a serious relationship. I am not going to date until I feel more healed than this, but I am much better than I was before.

The pathological loneliness has to be endured.  You have to go through the withdrawal symptoms and get over the Stockholme syndrome. The chemicals take time to re-regulate themselves and your brain actually needs to re-wire itself after narcissistic abuse.

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Narcissists Create the Illusion that Your World is Small and You Have No Options

abusers make your world seem small

life, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, narcissist, narcissistic abuse

Derealization / Reality Detachment Feelings Caused by Narcissistic Abuse

After you have been abused, you have trouble with trusting your own perceptions about reality. Your sense of reality was so distorted by the abuser that you can fall into a derealization state.

Sometimes the derealization state is a defense mechanism of the brain, right after the relationship ends, in order to protect you from the full onslaught of emotions about what happened.

Sometimes the derealization comes and goes throughout the day and with other people it is constant.  You might be driving and suddenly look up and have no idea where you are or where you were trying to go.

You might find yourself cooking dinner and your hands that are cutting vegetables appear to be someone else’s hands. You feel like you are in a dream or watching a movie.

This derealization can last for different amounts of time for different people.  There is difficulty feeling attached to your own reality.

This detachment from reality can be frightening and you may feel that you are losing your mind.

This is common for people that havebeenmentally abused. The realization that someone intentionally disturbing your sense of reality is very hard for your brain to process.

The difficulty accepting what happened to you, is part of the cause of this derealization.

The other reason is that your brain is attempting to protect you from further trauma.

Have you ever heard the Red Pill reference?  This is a metaphor which was derived from the movie The Matrix.  

The red pill represents the sudden and shocking realization that your reality has been interfered with. The things you believed to be real were fed to your brain by an insidious source.

Every time you remember something from the relationship and suddenly a light goes off in your head that it was not what you believed,  that is a red pill moment.

Every few days after the breakup a whole new red pill will suddenly force itself down your throat. You will realize something they lied about or something they did to deceive you.

It might be a phone call that seemed to be a mis-dial by their new victim. The woman accidentally called you, but she was trying to call them.

In my case, his new victim called me once. She was working for him and she called my number asking for an electrician.

I told her this was not an office of any electrician.  She persisted to insist that it must be, because she was given this number to call.

Then she said the name of my ex…we can refer to him as Ned. She said “Do you know Ned”.

I told her that I did know him. She then went on to tell me that he was very busy in his new offices. She said he had called her with instructions to the electrician and he gave her my number by mistake.

Now there is no way he could possibly make that mistake.  The electrician would have had the area code of his state.

Even she would have questioned a phone number with the area code of a different state, if she were calling for work to be done at the office.

It did not make sense to me until the red pill moment.  Suddenly I saw her with him in a bedroom.  I had been calling him and leaving messages for hours.

The reason I had been worried is because earlier that day, he told me he was having chest pains, but he was still going to move heavy boxes at his new offices.

He was supposed to call me and was four hours late to call. I was worried and he had ignored four calls from me.

So he had this woman “accidentally ” call me, but say she was trying to call the electrician. Then she would not take no for an answer when I told her she had the wrong number.

She just kept insisting that Ned gave her this number and was I sure the electrician was not here.

It was so bizarre and I thought she was crazy. But he had instructed her to call me. And tell me that he was soooooo busy with the new offices at 2 am that he could not call me.

But he took time to call her and tell her to call the electrician.

By the way….does anyone know an electrician that takes calls at 2 am, in order to give an estimate on wiring an office?

So, this derealization protects us from getting all these red pills at one time and detaches us from the reality.

I am not saying the derealization is good. It means you have been severely traumatized.

You have to seek help and support.  There are supportive people online…WordPress,  YouTube,  who have been through narcissistic abuse.

You cannot talk to people that have not been through it. They will not understand.

There are therapists and coaches who can help you but you have to find someone who specializes in narcissistic abuse.

I am currently available for coaching . If you prefer a male coach,  I would recommend Richie from Spartan Life Coach .

You can also look for a therapist but ask them ahead of time if they know about C-PTSD and also narcissistic abuse. They will be no good to you unless they understand the type of trauma that is involved in narcissistic abuse.

My thoughts are with you.

Blessings,

Annie