abuse, abuse red flags, abusive men, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, domestic abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Psychopath, psychopaths, Uncategorized

Teach Your Children to Avoid Abuse

 Important things to teach our children

-to think for themselves 

-think through the words and behaviors of others

– to listen to your own intuition

– feelings in your head and your body are always telling you something

-If something feels wrong it probably is

-If something does not make sense to you, then someone may be manipulating you.

-Balance is important in everything…especially relationships

-You do not have to pay now to benefit later in a relationship.  It is an idea the manipulative people want women to buy

-Everyone is not innately good, although many people are

-Don’t overlook things you do not like in a relationship just because you do not want to be alone

-Learn to be happy spending time alone

-You are worthy of being treated special

-Anyone who tells you that you cannot do better than them is lying

-You never deserve abuse

-If someone makes you feel bad a lot of the time, the relationship is not food for you

-Your self esteem is important and anyone who cares about you knows this

-No one should be condescending or sarcastic to you in a relationship

-There is “no time frame” for having to fall in love, get married or be committed

-Someone who loves you will not pressure you

-Someone who cares about you will not shame or guilt to manipulate you

-Punishments and retaliation are not part of a loving relationship

-You should not have to change for anyone

-No one is going to change for you

-There is no “point of no return” about leaving a relationship

-Another person does not make you “whole.” You are already complete.

-You don’t have to follow any path just because someone else wants you to.

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abuse red flags, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, hoovering tactic, narcissistic abuse

The Hoovering Tactic of the Narcissist

Beware of the “hoovering” techniques of the narcissist.

They will take you through the stages of idealization, devaluation and the discard. Then they often come back to you a few months later or even years later and try to hoover you back in.

This hoovering process is like a vacuum cleaner sucking up dirt. That is why it is called hoovering…like the Hoover vacuum cleaner.

rred flags

Hoovering techniques can be calling or texting you with kind words and seemingly sentimental feelings. You want to believe that they cared about you once upon a time. So when they tell you that they miss you there is a natural tendency to want to believe that they have left over feelings for you from the relationship.

One of the hardest parts of recovering from narcissistic abuse is the acceptance that the narcissist did not love you ever. Love does not go along with abuse and manipulation. The idealization phase was an act in order to get you hooked.

Once the narcissist had you conditioned to behave in the way they wanted you to, that is when they dropped the idealization phase.

Their mask slipped and they began to be cruel, sarcastic, uninterested , and otherwise abusive to you.

The devaluation phase of the narcissist is the ultimate example of taking someone for granite.

The narcissist feels entitled to use you and they do not care what you have to give up for them. They have no concern for your future or your mental and emotional health.

When they try to hoover you back into a relationship with them, they will say whatever you want to hear, in order to gain your interest and curiosity. One of the reasons that people get lured back in is the fact that the narcissist did not allow them any closure to the relationship.

This lack of closure is something that the narcissist uses to their benefit.

They never allow any closure to their relationships because they want you to feel their presence in your mind without being able to fully let them go. It is a way that they can torment you ling after they have left your life.

It is like they are still lurking in the darkest edges of your mind, even when you have not seen them in months or years.

So when they text you or email you out of the blue, it is not the same as someone else who you broke up with. With a normal person who you broke up with a long time ago, it is a different feeling when they contact you out of the blue.

save yourself meme

But the narcissist never really left your mind,  so when they contact you it is like the longest “silent treatment” in history.

This is as opposed to running into an ex.  partner that you had closure and reasons for the break up that you both understood.

In some cases this is exactly the intention of the narcissist. They are punishing you with this extended silent treatment so that if they decide to hoover you back in later on, you will be more careful not to upset them.

Once you have experienced being discarded cruelly, with no closure, seemingly out of nowhere, your brain has trouble letting go of it.

Your brain is designed to integrate memories into the part of the brain that holds past experiences.

If there is no proper closure then the memories of that relationship cannot be properly integrated.  This is one of things that causes PTSD.

The memories are not properly integrated into the part of the brain they are supposed to be stored in. So the memories come up when you are triggered and they feel like they are happening right now in the present. rather than the in the past.

The narcissist counts on you having PTSD and not being able to put the relationship in the past. If you never put it in the past then it is easier for them to hoover you back in. The other thing they count on is the fact that you probably have toxic loneliness.

When you have toxic loneliness, it is more likely you will fall for the lies of the narcissist when they try to hoover you back in. The pain of the loneliness is something the narcissist promises to relieve for you.

The problem with that is that the narcissist will use you and then abuse you again. Your pathological loneliness will be relieved for a while as they take you through the idealization phase again. But if this is the second round of a relationship with them, then they will hit you even harder with the devaluation phase.

Why does the narcissist hoover you back in?

Usually they left you for a new victim. The were preparing the victim while they were still in the relationship with you. Once the victim was mesmerized and under their spell, then you were discarded with no regard for your feelings or even your financial stability that they may have broken.

They move on to the new victim to elicit narcissistic supply. They sometimes will text . email or call you because they only want to use you in order to make the new victim feel triangulated. They use you to make their new victim feel jealous and threatened, so that they will “behave” better.

This triangulating is how the narcissist gets you to do what he wants  because you feel like he will go with the other person instead. He will lie about how the “other” person is so much better than you. more cooperative than you. less manipulative than you, more reliable than you…whatever.

So you may be being used as the third person of the triangle to torment their current victim.

It may also be that they need you for some other reason, such as their is something they want you to do for them. They will use you until they get what they want and then they will put you through the breakup again, with no closure.

The second discard can be even worse than the first one. Please keep this in mind before you decide to give the narcissist a second chance.

Your reality will be manipulated to the point where you will question your ability to tell reality from non-reality. You will be shamed this time even worse than the first time.

The fact that they were able to lure you back in after abusing you will make them have a stronger contempt for you. They will load you with contempt and disgust until you feel like you are garbage.

Please keep in mind the red flags of abusers and make sure you keep your boundaries.

If someone lures you back in and you keep your boundaries then you will quickly notice when they begin to cross them. You will see how angry they become when you do not abide by their rule of the “double standard”…meaning they can do whatever they want but you have to do what they tell you to do.

Do not allow others to tell you how you should feel, what you should believe or anything about who you are.

Do not allow a partner to tell you that you are too sensitive, or mentally ill, just because you resist letting them control you.

Blessings.

Annie

abusive relationships, dating a narcissist, healing from narcissistic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcopath, Psychopath, psychopathic abuse

Taking the Red Pill of Narcissistic Abuse

If the eyes are the windows to the soul then grief is the door.  As long as it’s closed it’s the barrier between knowing and not knowing. Walk away from it and it stays closed. But open it and walk through it and the pain becomes the truth.  

Dexter tv series

The above quote is from the TV Series called Dexter. Ironically it is the psychopath Dexter that says this in episode 2 of Season 2. He was coming to terms with having murdered his own brother. 

As you know, psychopaths do not experience remorse or empathy like the rest of us but the writers of the show have to make the character likely somehow. It is hard for people to feel empathy towards a character that feels nothing. So they added this bit about Dexter feeling remorse about his brother and they gave the character PTSD from a childhood traumatic experience. 

The quote itself does tell a truth that I want to talk about with you a little bit today. The grief from narcissistic abuse is complex and difficult to overcome. It is multi layered and often easier to ignore than to deal with. 

The pain from narcissistic abuse encompasses all of you.  In some ways it is more painful than the abuse you experienced when you were with the abuser. People who never went through this have no idea why it seems to take us so long to “just get over it.”

The “red pill” reference is from the movie The Matrix. in the movie there was a red pill that was taken by people who felt that they wanted to see reality for what it really was. 

As Morpheus says in the movie “You were born into a prison you cannot smell, or taste or touch”

Taking the red pill meant a dissolving of the illusion of the matrix. The matrix was a false reality that the abusers in the movie (generated by the computer brain) created to make the people submissive. The computer fed off of the life force of the human bodies, while the actual bodies were in pods with tubes feeding off them. 

To the abusers the people were only food. The false reality that was created for them was designed to keep them from knowing they were being abused. The people just go through their lives oblivious to the fact that abusers like the computer brain even exist. 

Before we take the first red pill, victims are unaware of the scope and magnitude of narcissistic and psychopathic abuse. The first red pill comes with an earth shattering force that knocks the wind out of you. There are days when you wish you could take the “blue pill” which erases your memory about the matrix. 

After the first red pill are more red pills. Little by little we realize just how insidious the abuser really was. The abuser haunts our nightmares and keeps us awake at night. It is like they left a piece of them in our minds. 

In The Matrix, Morpheus says “Unfortunately no one can tell you what the matrix is. You have to see it for yourself. “

Once we begin to heal from the abuse and hear other victim’s stories, we see how narcissists are all around. We begin to feel like everyone is a narcissist and are almost paranoid as we search the faces of each person we meet. 

The truth about narcissism is all around us but we never saw it before. The toxic people that have manipulated and abused us…bosses, parents, boyfriends, in-laws, neighbors, landlords…

Was is better living in the matrix?  Do you wish you could go back and never had ingested that very first red pill?

The answer to that question is for you to answer. Not knowing  about the matrix keeps us controlled and manipulated by others. 

Knowing about the matrix means that we have to live the truth of narcissism. It means that we know psychopaths really exist and are not just in the movies. They are not just in the lives of someone in the news, but they are as close to us as the neighbor next door.

There are some YouTube personalities that tell you that narcissists and psychopaths make up about 1 percent of the population. However the CDC (Center for Disease Control) has done studies that say that the percentage is more like 3 to 4 percent. 

You are a survivor and a warrior. You are stronger than you think. Now you are one of the ones who has taken that red pill and can see the matrix for what it is. 

Sometimes it feels like you are in more danger now, but that it just because you are aware of the danger and you were not before. The truth is that you are safer now than you ever were before. 

You are learning about the red flags of abusers. You are learning about the tactics of narcissists and psychopaths. You have support from other survivors online.

Survivors of narcissistic abuse are a tribe all our own and we are hear to help and support one another. 

You will learn about co-dependence and people pleaser syndrome. You are learning how not to be a target for abusive people. You will not be taken in by the love bombing again.

You are okay. You will become stronger as you go. The matrix becomes more clear as you go along. Sometimes you still want to take a blue pill and forget. Sometimes you want to forget but you don’t really want to go back. 

Remember that “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” This means that the things you are used to doing and the thoughts you are used to thinking will perpetuate themselves.  When you practice thinking in different ways, your brain will think in new ways.

You can re-wire bad thought patterns that were programmed into you during your childhood. If you were taught that you should tolerate abuse, then it was wired into your neuronal pathways. The way to re-wire it is to think in new ways on a regular basis.

Question the thoughts that you have and the feelings that tell you that you have to tolerate abuse.

There is no going back…only going forward. Life is path and you create the path under your feet as you walk upon it. Make your path unique and magical!

abusive relationships, domestic abuse, domestic violence, healing from narcissistic abuse, life, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse syndrome, narcopath

How to Get a Narcissist Back ? Search Term -Why You Should Not Take Them Back

I frequently check my statistics page and it tells me what search terms landed people on my blog. I was sad and concerned to see that one of the search terms was “How to get a Narcissist Back”

If you are considering getting your narcissist back or you know someone who is… please note the following truths. It is very hard to know the truth. In fact coming to terms with the truth is one of the hardest parts of overcoming narcissistic abuse.

Going No Contact is hard for all of us.  Many of us have been through it and others are still suffering with the chemical addiction and the nightmares from narcissistic abuse.

There are factors that contribute to the difficulty of a break up with a narcissist that are above and beyond normal break-up suffering. There are chemical reactions and reactive behavior to the sympathetic nervous system that make going NO Contact torturous.

You will feel lonely and you will go through tremendous emotional pain. This is all in addition to mental pain and confusion that comes from having your reality manipulated. There can be a brain fog and even feelings of depersonalization and derealization.

You may feel lost and that you can not find a way to go on without them. You will remember the “nice” things they did for you and your memories will trick you into thinking this was real.

Here is a list of reasons why you should hang on and hold your No Contact position. Have faith that the addiction will calm down with time. I know the feelings are like going through a drug withdrawal and it seems like it will go on forever. But it doesn’t.

Here is the list I came up with. If anyone has additions that I have not thought of, please leave them in the comments section here.

  1. Any “nice” things the narcissist did for you was to manipulate you.
  2. They did not love you.
  3. They lied……all the time.
  4. If they were showing any signs of violence, the violence will only get worse if you go back with them because they will respect you even less and feel all powerful over you because they were allowed to abuse you and you still took them back.
  5. If they never showed any signs of violence they  might this time. Abuse always escalates when you are on a second round with them.
  6. They do not deserve a second chance. You gave them many second chances while you were in the relationship with them.
  7. They were grooming their next target while you were with them and you did not know it.
  8. They had already decided when they were leaving you while they were still saying “I love you”
  9. If you have kids, they are in danger of psychological and possibly physical damage if you go back to the narcissist
  10. They will put you through the idealization phase all over again. You will fall for them harder and believe that they have changed. Then they will hit you harder than ever with the devaluation phase and the abuse.
  11. Narcissists tend to live a double life. It is likely that they will stay with their current victim and not tell you they are still with them.
  12. Your financial situation will be in danger. You could lose everything you own.
  13. Your reputation will be danger. They will launch a major smear campaign against you and you won’t know about it until it is too late.
  14. They will either deny you sex and make you feel cheep for wanting it or they will use you like a sex toy that is something they bought in the Adam and Eve catalogue
  15. You are not a person to the narcissist. You are just a prop, a tool and something for them to use and abuse
  16. You can have a better life without them and every time you take them back it will be more difficult to recover your life back
  17. There are people that are real and honest that would be good to you in a relationship
  18. You matter and your purpose in the world matters. Your skills and gifts are being wasted on the narcissist
  19. They are not helpless but they lie to get you to do everything for them any neglect your life.
  20. You will become less and less secure about who you are as a person . Your entire identity is at stake.
  21. They might be a psychopath and are far more dangerous than you know
  22. They are likely to have alternate identities that you know nothing about
  23. You could end up in court with them accusing you of abuse and you will be in such a bad mental state that the system is likely to prosecute you and side with the abuser
  24. You could become sick or disabled from abuse or other reasons and you would be at the mercy of the abuser to care for you
  25. You will be isolated from the people who love you and could help you
  26. You could become pregnant and your child would have an abusive father / You could get her pregnant and your child would have an abusive mother…and she would probably win the children in court
  27. You job , career and any future dreams will be in danger if being interfered with by the narcissist
  28. Your friends and family members will be in danger of abuse from the narcissist

Now we have 28…let’s see if you guys can add at least 2 more to the list. We need to warn people not to go back if they are searching this term. I intentionally used this search term in the title to this post so that it will come up when they search this.

Blessings,

Annie

domestic abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, narcissistic abuse, psychopathic abuse, psychopaths

Desensitization – Tactics of Domestic Abuse / Narcissistic Abuse

domestic abuse, emotional abuse, healing from domestic abuse, leaving an abuser, life, mental abuse, narcissistic abuse

The Abuser Brainwashes You Into Seeing the World Very Small

possibilities