abuse red flags, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, hoovering tactic, narcissistic abuse

The Hoovering Tactic of the Narcissist

Beware of the “hoovering” techniques of the narcissist.

They will take you through the stages of idealization, devaluation and the discard. Then they often come back to you a few months later or even years later and try to hoover you back in.

This hoovering process is like a vacuum cleaner sucking up dirt. That is why it is called hoovering…like the Hoover vacuum cleaner.

rred flags

Hoovering techniques can be calling or texting you with kind words and seemingly sentimental feelings. You want to believe that they cared about you once upon a time. So when they tell you that they miss you there is a natural tendency to want to believe that they have left over feelings for you from the relationship.

One of the hardest parts of recovering from narcissistic abuse is the acceptance that the narcissist did not love you ever. Love does not go along with abuse and manipulation. The idealization phase was an act in order to get you hooked.

Once the narcissist had you conditioned to behave in the way they wanted you to, that is when they dropped the idealization phase.

Their mask slipped and they began to be cruel, sarcastic, uninterested , and otherwise abusive to you.

The devaluation phase of the narcissist is the ultimate example of taking someone for granite.

The narcissist feels entitled to use you and they do not care what you have to give up for them. They have no concern for your future or your mental and emotional health.

When they try to hoover you back into a relationship with them, they will say whatever you want to hear, in order to gain your interest and curiosity. One of the reasons that people get lured back in is the fact that the narcissist did not allow them any closure to the relationship.

This lack of closure is something that the narcissist uses to their benefit.

They never allow any closure to their relationships because they want you to feel their presence in your mind without being able to fully let them go. It is a way that they can torment you ling after they have left your life.

It is like they are still lurking in the darkest edges of your mind, even when you have not seen them in months or years.

So when they text you or email you out of the blue, it is not the same as someone else who you broke up with. With a normal person who you broke up with a long time ago, it is a different feeling when they contact you out of the blue.

save yourself meme

But the narcissist never really left your mind,  so when they contact you it is like the longest “silent treatment” in history.

This is as opposed to running into an ex.  partner that you had closure and reasons for the break up that you both understood.

In some cases this is exactly the intention of the narcissist. They are punishing you with this extended silent treatment so that if they decide to hoover you back in later on, you will be more careful not to upset them.

Once you have experienced being discarded cruelly, with no closure, seemingly out of nowhere, your brain has trouble letting go of it.

Your brain is designed to integrate memories into the part of the brain that holds past experiences.

If there is no proper closure then the memories of that relationship cannot be properly integrated.  This is one of things that causes PTSD.

The memories are not properly integrated into the part of the brain they are supposed to be stored in. So the memories come up when you are triggered and they feel like they are happening right now in the present. rather than the in the past.

The narcissist counts on you having PTSD and not being able to put the relationship in the past. If you never put it in the past then it is easier for them to hoover you back in. The other thing they count on is the fact that you probably have toxic loneliness.

When you have toxic loneliness, it is more likely you will fall for the lies of the narcissist when they try to hoover you back in. The pain of the loneliness is something the narcissist promises to relieve for you.

The problem with that is that the narcissist will use you and then abuse you again. Your pathological loneliness will be relieved for a while as they take you through the idealization phase again. But if this is the second round of a relationship with them, then they will hit you even harder with the devaluation phase.

Why does the narcissist hoover you back in?

Usually they left you for a new victim. The were preparing the victim while they were still in the relationship with you. Once the victim was mesmerized and under their spell, then you were discarded with no regard for your feelings or even your financial stability that they may have broken.

They move on to the new victim to elicit narcissistic supply. They sometimes will text . email or call you because they only want to use you in order to make the new victim feel triangulated. They use you to make their new victim feel jealous and threatened, so that they will “behave” better.

This triangulating is how the narcissist gets you to do what he wants  because you feel like he will go with the other person instead. He will lie about how the “other” person is so much better than you. more cooperative than you. less manipulative than you, more reliable than you…whatever.

So you may be being used as the third person of the triangle to torment their current victim.

It may also be that they need you for some other reason, such as their is something they want you to do for them. They will use you until they get what they want and then they will put you through the breakup again, with no closure.

The second discard can be even worse than the first one. Please keep this in mind before you decide to give the narcissist a second chance.

Your reality will be manipulated to the point where you will question your ability to tell reality from non-reality. You will be shamed this time even worse than the first time.

The fact that they were able to lure you back in after abusing you will make them have a stronger contempt for you. They will load you with contempt and disgust until you feel like you are garbage.

Please keep in mind the red flags of abusers and make sure you keep your boundaries.

If someone lures you back in and you keep your boundaries then you will quickly notice when they begin to cross them. You will see how angry they become when you do not abide by their rule of the “double standard”…meaning they can do whatever they want but you have to do what they tell you to do.

Do not allow others to tell you how you should feel, what you should believe or anything about who you are.

Do not allow a partner to tell you that you are too sensitive, or mentally ill, just because you resist letting them control you.

Blessings.

Annie

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abuse red flags, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, anti-social personality disorder, domestic abuse, domestic violence, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, psychopathic abuse

Songs for the Relationship I Left Behind – Let the Psychopathic Narcissist go

save yourself memeTape Song 

Black Balloon

The Last Goodbye

abusive relationships, dating a narcissist, healing from narcissistic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcopath, Psychopath, psychopathic abuse

Taking the Red Pill of Narcissistic Abuse

If the eyes are the windows to the soul then grief is the door.  As long as it’s closed it’s the barrier between knowing and not knowing. Walk away from it and it stays closed. But open it and walk through it and the pain becomes the truth.  

Dexter tv series

The above quote is from the TV Series called Dexter. Ironically it is the psychopath Dexter that says this in episode 2 of Season 2. He was coming to terms with having murdered his own brother. 

As you know, psychopaths do not experience remorse or empathy like the rest of us but the writers of the show have to make the character likely somehow. It is hard for people to feel empathy towards a character that feels nothing. So they added this bit about Dexter feeling remorse about his brother and they gave the character PTSD from a childhood traumatic experience. 

The quote itself does tell a truth that I want to talk about with you a little bit today. The grief from narcissistic abuse is complex and difficult to overcome. It is multi layered and often easier to ignore than to deal with. 

The pain from narcissistic abuse encompasses all of you.  In some ways it is more painful than the abuse you experienced when you were with the abuser. People who never went through this have no idea why it seems to take us so long to “just get over it.”

The “red pill” reference is from the movie The Matrix. in the movie there was a red pill that was taken by people who felt that they wanted to see reality for what it really was. 

As Morpheus says in the movie “You were born into a prison you cannot smell, or taste or touch”

Taking the red pill meant a dissolving of the illusion of the matrix. The matrix was a false reality that the abusers in the movie (generated by the computer brain) created to make the people submissive. The computer fed off of the life force of the human bodies, while the actual bodies were in pods with tubes feeding off them. 

To the abusers the people were only food. The false reality that was created for them was designed to keep them from knowing they were being abused. The people just go through their lives oblivious to the fact that abusers like the computer brain even exist. 

Before we take the first red pill, victims are unaware of the scope and magnitude of narcissistic and psychopathic abuse. The first red pill comes with an earth shattering force that knocks the wind out of you. There are days when you wish you could take the “blue pill” which erases your memory about the matrix. 

After the first red pill are more red pills. Little by little we realize just how insidious the abuser really was. The abuser haunts our nightmares and keeps us awake at night. It is like they left a piece of them in our minds. 

In The Matrix, Morpheus says “Unfortunately no one can tell you what the matrix is. You have to see it for yourself. “

Once we begin to heal from the abuse and hear other victim’s stories, we see how narcissists are all around. We begin to feel like everyone is a narcissist and are almost paranoid as we search the faces of each person we meet. 

The truth about narcissism is all around us but we never saw it before. The toxic people that have manipulated and abused us…bosses, parents, boyfriends, in-laws, neighbors, landlords…

Was is better living in the matrix?  Do you wish you could go back and never had ingested that very first red pill?

The answer to that question is for you to answer. Not knowing  about the matrix keeps us controlled and manipulated by others. 

Knowing about the matrix means that we have to live the truth of narcissism. It means that we know psychopaths really exist and are not just in the movies. They are not just in the lives of someone in the news, but they are as close to us as the neighbor next door.

There are some YouTube personalities that tell you that narcissists and psychopaths make up about 1 percent of the population. However the CDC (Center for Disease Control) has done studies that say that the percentage is more like 3 to 4 percent. 

You are a survivor and a warrior. You are stronger than you think. Now you are one of the ones who has taken that red pill and can see the matrix for what it is. 

Sometimes it feels like you are in more danger now, but that it just because you are aware of the danger and you were not before. The truth is that you are safer now than you ever were before. 

You are learning about the red flags of abusers. You are learning about the tactics of narcissists and psychopaths. You have support from other survivors online.

Survivors of narcissistic abuse are a tribe all our own and we are hear to help and support one another. 

You will learn about co-dependence and people pleaser syndrome. You are learning how not to be a target for abusive people. You will not be taken in by the love bombing again.

You are okay. You will become stronger as you go. The matrix becomes more clear as you go along. Sometimes you still want to take a blue pill and forget. Sometimes you want to forget but you don’t really want to go back. 

Remember that “Neurons that fire together, wire together.” This means that the things you are used to doing and the thoughts you are used to thinking will perpetuate themselves.  When you practice thinking in different ways, your brain will think in new ways.

You can re-wire bad thought patterns that were programmed into you during your childhood. If you were taught that you should tolerate abuse, then it was wired into your neuronal pathways. The way to re-wire it is to think in new ways on a regular basis.

Question the thoughts that you have and the feelings that tell you that you have to tolerate abuse.

There is no going back…only going forward. Life is path and you create the path under your feet as you walk upon it. Make your path unique and magical!

abusive relationships, anti-social personality disorder, domestic abuse, healing after narcissistic abuse, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcopath, psychopathic abuse, victim of narcissist

One more day to my 6 Month Anniversary of No Contact from the Narcissist

It has been 4 months since I wrote my 3 month No Contact Anniversary Post. On March 14 will be my 6 month anniversary of being narcissist free. What’s more ..I have not entered into any other relationship.

I used to always grab the next guy I saw and go into a serious relationship right away. I could not stand the toxic loneliness that came with being alone, especially right after a break-up. I have gone from one relationship right into another since I was a teenager.

This is the first time I held out and endured the loneliness. It can be done! Not only that, it gives you time to get to know yourself better and to heal from the trauma of an abusive relationship before you get involved with someone else.

When you give yourself this time, you can rebuild your self esteem and become stronger in your own identity. You can now wait for the right person rather than jumping into a relationship with someone you do not know that well…who usually turns out to be another narcissist.

You do not recognize them as a narcissist, especially if you have not studied about the red flags and also learned to establish healthy boundaries for yourself. You need time to yourself to find out what boundaries you need to have and how to define and maintain them.

In order to avoid ending up with another abuser, you need to be okay by yourself first. If you are suffering from toxic loneliness and just want to jump into something as a distraction from your pain, then a narcissist or a psychopath is going to recognize you as an easy target.

They know how to spot you in a room full of people, on the internet from what you write, over the phone from the things you say or anywhere they see you. In one conversation they can tell if you will be compliant with them when you feel the threat of abandonment.

Narcissists are well trained at spotting codependent people and people that have People Pleaser Syndrome. They know that you are afraid to be alone and that you need to be validated by another person for your self esteem and self worth.

Before you go into another relationship you have to learn to self-generate your own feelings of self worth. You need to be secure in the fact that you are worthy because of who you are and not because of what you do.

People that grew up with a narcissistic or otherwise abusive parent learn that they are only loved based on what they do. They learn to cater and comply with the narcissistic parent to avoid punishment and retaliation. They learn that love is based on how well you please the narcissist.

But this is not what real love is. When someone really loves and cares about you, it is because they appreciate you for who you are inside. They should not play games making you jump through hoops just to get their attention and affection.

Six months is probably the minimum amount of time that it takes to get all these things together. I am still not ready for a serious relationship. I am not going to date until I feel more healed than this, but I am much better than I was before.

The pathological loneliness has to be endured.  You have to go through the withdrawal symptoms and get over the Stockholme syndrome. The chemicals take time to re-regulate themselves and your brain actually needs to re-wire itself after narcissistic abuse.

abusive relationships, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, mental abuse, mental health, narcissism, narcissistic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse

Complicated Grief and Post Traumatic Stress Disorder After Abandonment by a Narcissist

Complicated grief can occur after the death of a loved one, but it can also occur after being discarded by a narcissist. The grief over losing the narcissist can be severe due to the attachment, brainwashing and the chemical bond that existed.

Complicated grief is like being in an ongoing, heightened state of mourning that keeps you from healing.  Mayo Clinic

The Mayo Clinic Lists the signs and symptoms of complicated grief as follows

  • Intense sorrow and pain at the thought of your loved one
  • Focus on little else but your loved one’s death
  • Extreme focus on reminders of the loved one or excessive avoidance of reminders
  • Intense and persistent longing or pining for the deceased
  • Problems accepting the death
  • Numbness or detachment
  • Bitterness about your loss
  • Feeling that life holds no meaning or purpose
  • Irritability or agitation
  • Lack of trust in others
  • Inability to enjoy life or think back on positive experiences with your loved one

The problems of complicated grief are severe.

People lose touch with their friends and tend to isolate themselves. It is a mammalian response to want to go crawl into your cave and hide. You want to get away from any triggers and have no desire to be around other people.

It can result in losing one’s job and friends. If it continues, complicated grief can lead to very severe depression and suicidal thoughts.

The narcissist used brainwashing techniques on you in order to ensure complete attachment and reliance on them and only them. They isolated you from any other sources of comfort and support.

They manufactures a world where you could not trust other people. This world was full of anxiety and turmoil. It was constant chaos and you were intentionally put into a state of high anxiety and confusion.

The brain reacts to this kind of anxiety and stress by lighting up the frontal cortex, which is where the amygdala is. This is the fear center of the brain – the fight or flight alert alarm center.

If your brain and body are placed in a state of constant alarm, it alters the chemicals and actual  neuronal wiring of your brain. This is an actual physiological change to the brain. It affects the feelings in the body and all of your emotions.

If the narcissist suddenly cuts you off from the only source of comfort from this hyper fear state, it is devastating. When you heard the voice of your narcissist it may have produced anxiety but it also fed the addiction that was created.

It is like a drug addiction that can only be calmed by one particular drug, which was the narcissist. You were conditioned that if you were apart from the narcissist for long periods ot time that this withdrawal would kick in.

This withdrawal was conditioned into your brain and your body by the narcissist. They did this for a couple of reasons.

1. They wanted you to respond right away when they needed something.

2. They wanted you to get rid of all other relationships

3. They wanted you in a highly adrenalized state in order that suggestions would go in more easily. Brainwashing techniques involve putting the person in a vulnerable state in order that the lies “suggestions” would go in easily. 

4. They wanted you to feel pain, when they made you wait for them. They once were in contact with you constantly and conditioned you to need that. Then began to pull away and make the time longer in between the contact. They said they would call you and then did not call. This was to cause you withdrawal pain, because they enjoy being sadistic.

5. They wanted you to suffer in agony, when they discarded you. You were once a happier, compassionate , more mentally balanced person that they are. They had contempt for you because you were things that they cannot be.

They wanted to destroy all of the good things about you that they can not have. Your ability to love others. Your ability to be happy. Your mental balance.

Complicated grief can occur in addition to having a post traumatic stress reaction from the breakup. The combination of trauma from a narcissistic break up is unique and no one can understand unless they have experienced it.

You may have both  PTSD and Complicated Grief and this is very likely.

So  you are hyper adrenalized, jumping at everything, darting your eyes around looking for enemies…and you are deeply sad an grieving for the relationship with the person that idealized you and was sweet to you in the beginning of the relationship.

This is a torturous experience. You have to reach out for help from other people who have experienced a narcissist abandonment. 

You can heal but it takes a long time and is a gradual process. Be proactive about your healing process. Learn and study about narcissism. Reach out to other people who have survived it. They are the only ones you can talk to.

abuse, life, mental health, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome

Discarded by a Narcissist YouTube video by Annie

The discard phase of a narcissist may be very sudden and cruel, by any moral standards. If you were suddenly and cruelly abandoned / discarded by a narcissist, then you know the terrible pain and confusion that this causes.

You were discarded because you no longer served their purposes as supply. They have found a “better” source of supply. This better source is not “better than you” in the sense you are thinking.

They are probably better because they are less intelligent and will not see through the narcissists games as well.

You may have begun to see that the narcissists was acting in ways that are wrong, either to you or to others. In my case I saw that he was being abusive to his “friends” and taking advantage of people.

Narcissists do not like to be discovered and they do not like their inappropriate behaviors pointed out to them. If you point out things that they do, that are unethical, immoral or inappropriate, they will feel unsafe.

If they do not feel “safe” with you, then they will suddenly leave. They might try to get you to “get with the program” first by scolding you for your “misbehavior”. But once they know that you no longer see them as a victim or as “perfect” then they will abandon you.

This abandonment can be so inappropriate and cruel that is can cause you severe mental / emotional problems.

I am not a therapist and I do not claim to be. This video is not designed to be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you are depressed, suicidal, having severe anxiety it any other mentally disturbing symptoms. please seek the appropriate mental health help from a professional.

I am a fellow victim of narcissistic abuse and I care about other people that are going through the aftermath of narcissistic abuse.

I was discarded on March 14, my birthday. It is not April 23. I am still in the recovery process, but things do get better. The more you learn , the better you will be prepared to recover and to protect yourself in the future.

I have a wordpress blog called gentle mental annie, that focuses on mental health topics and some other Annie stuff.

I alsl have a wordpress blog that is for women who are / or have been in domestic abuse.

My blogs are about my own struggle and a place to communicate. They are not mental health treatment.

Blessings.
Annie