Dance with beauty, dance
Like you did when you were younger
Do your dance with pure abandon
Sweetly sing and share your voice
Let your soulful spirit sour
Like a bird that first flies free
For you are prisoner no more
Here is an excellent article about Narcissistic Abuse.
Check out this blog by After Narcissistic Abuse.
Learning is healing and learning is protecting yourself from predators. The more you understand how the narcissist operates, the easier you can recognize them.
You were not at fault when the relationship ended or about the abuse during the relationship.
Narcissists are very good at persuasion techniques and ways to get you to trust them, in order to lure you in.
If you felt right away that they were not to be trusted then you would not have continued onto the next level of intimacy with them.
Some narcissists actively study and train to learn these techniques and others just naturally develop them. Since they do not have to learn to follow the moral and ethical practices that other people do, it leaves them more time for learning these techniques by trial and error.
Narcissists want to control people in order to extract narcissistic supply or to use them as sources for narcissistic supply in some way.
They can control you better if they learn about you. In order to learn about you they need you to reveal things about yourself to them.
You would not reveal personal things to someone like dreams, fears, and skeletons in your closet unless you felt like you could trust them with this intimate knowledge of you. They lure you into telling them about yourself by gaining your trust.
The ways in which they gain your trust are intentional and basically a kind of hypnosis.
There is something called Conversational Hypnosis, which is something that narcissists are good at. They have practice it over and over again and they have each developed their own special brand of brainwashing through hypnosis.
This video that I have shared with you is a class by David Snyder. He is a really excellent teacher of hypnosis and NLP hypnosis. He teaches hypnosis to people who are therapists and life coaches amongst other professions that want to be able to lead people to certain goals.
This type of hypnosis can be very helpful and add value to the lives of people, of the hypnotist has honest intentions and keeps the client safe. I have shared this video with you so that you can see that the techniques in this video are used by narcissists for malice.
If you have an opponent that is in a match with you and you do not understand the rules and techniques, but they do, this puts you at a great disadvantage. But once you understand the techniques that the narcissists use to lure you in, to get you to trust them and to believe the things they tell you, then you will be much harder to manipulate in the future.
I recommend that you watch this video and see how he uses the technique of pacing and leading.
David Snyder defines a “pace” as something in your present environment that the other person can verify as true. This means that the abuser will say things to you that you can validate as truth.
Once they give you enough truth then your brain begins to expect that the next thing they say will be true. Once the victim’s brain sees that the narcissist is saying true things then it lowers its defenses (filters) and begins to accept the things the narcissist says as true.
The next thing is called a “lead.” David Snyder defines a lead as something that you want the person to believe, to think, to say or to do.
So the narcissist will give you 4 or 5 paces and then 1 lead. Then they will give you 4 paces and 2 leads. More and more the paces can become less and the they can give you more suggestions that they want you to believe to be true.
Here is an example
“You are a single mother that has had to struggle with raising your kids on your own. You have had many obstacles in your life and you have overcome many things. Women have it hard when they have to work and also take care of their family. I really respect your resilience and I think you are to be commended. “
Do you see where this begins as true statements that you agree with and know to be true…and then…they tell you something that is not true but that they want you to believe? The “lead” that they want you to believe is that they have great respect for you and they think you deserve to be commended.
In this context of the hypnotic pattern of pacing and leading, their words seem to be true and you do not question them. If they had just started off by saying “I have great respect for you and I think you are to be commended…you would not be sure of that were true about how they felt about you.
During one conversation the narcissist can take you through this pattern of paces and leads many times. The more you begin to assume they are being transparent with you, the more you begin to trust them. The more you can validate the things they are saying are true, the more you will trust them.
The narcissist can use this same technique to get you to believe the false self is really them. They begin by giving you “paces” which you can verify are true. They can tell you about the business they own and then show you the link to the web site.
They can tell you that they specialize in a certain field and then demonstrate that they are knowledgeable in that field…or at least they can give you just enough that you believe they have proven that they are trained in that field.
Then once they have given you things about themselves that your brain can verify to its satisfaction to be true, then the narcissist can say something that you cannot verify but that your brain will accept as true.
This might be something about their personality that is not true such as …”I am a team player at work. I respect and listen to my employees”
Now you are seeing them as a person who respects their employees and someone that values people.
They might then give you some more paces and then tell you something like …”I am a loving kind of person. My employees feel like it is a family there. “
This of course is a complete lie since their employees actually fear and loath them. He controls and manipulates them and sucked the blood out of them while sadistically undermining and degrading them.
But when he says it to you using the Conversational Hypnosis techniques, it really seems to be true. You feel as though he was telling you the truth from the beginning of the conversation and from then on you believe the things he tells you without question.
Check out the video and have some fun with it. If you think of this as something new and fun to learn then I believe you will enjoy it. Instead of feeling bad about the games the narcissist played on you, learn the tactics they used so you can feel empowered.
Once you know the rules they are playing by then they can no longer confuse and manipulate you without your knowledge and consent. At least not with this pace and lead technique.
Darkness blinds my eyes
Trauma chokes my breath
Your Twisted lies destroy
My Truth is lost in your rewrites
Expectations and demands
I cannot live up to
You dominate by placing blame
Saying that I was the neglector
You reverse the roles with ease
Twisting time and reality itself
Making me the mental abuser
Turning the things you said
Into my words rather than yours
I am in mental shock
Still injured from your words
Not able to catch my breath
As you pretend you were the abused
I waited all day for you to respond to my calls
You said that is was you who was
curled up in a ball
Needing to talk to me
and I just wasn’t there
Not caring about your needs
You say I am the one always too busy
to be emotionally available for you
Even though you hung up the phone
time and again
at 1 or 2 am to answer a call
and said you would call me back
but made me wait until 4am
Waking me up from my sleep
Accusing me of not being focused enough
on whatever you were telling me
at 4 am in my sleep
But I was emotionally unavailable
and mentally dangerous
to your brain
This is what you always said
If I told you that you hurt me
in any way
Defences elude my mouth
As you cry that I attacked you
And shame me into silence
Feeling utterly defeated
Just longing to be close to you
You just rewrite the script
How it will serve you best
Reality is what you say
Whatever serves you best
along the way
“I pledge my commitment to the Blog for Mental Health 2015 Project. I will blog about mental health topics not only for myself, but for others. By displaying this badge, I show my pride, dedication, and acceptance for mental health. I use this to promote mental health education in the struggle to erase stigma.”
What would you say to a friend who came to you with bruises on her face? How would you feel about her being abused and what things would you wish for her?
How would you feel if she tried to justify the abuser’s behavior by telling you that she had caused it, by triggering him in some way? Would you feel any sympathy for the abuser or tell her to go back to him and try to do better? Do you think that anything about her personality was deserving of the bruises on her face?
What If she were mentally tortured by verbal abuse and gaslighting, to the point that her brain was no longer functioning normally anymore? She was afraid to leave the house, visit her friends or do any of things that she used to love.
Would you want her to get out, get help, and heal from her mental wounds? Would you want her to continue to spiral down the path into further mental destruction?
When you think of this friend, you have compassion for her. You may even have anger towards the thought of the abuser. You know that she is not deserving of abuse and that she is deserving of love. You feel kindness and understanding towards her, don’t you?
What if it were your sister? Your daughter? Your mother? Your co-worker?
How would you want her treated, once she had left the abuse? Would you think she needed time to mentally heal? Would you want her to have support and gentleness from others, about her healing?
What if this person were you? If this person is you, can you offer yourself the same compassion, forgiveness, and compassion that you would offer your friend? You need the same kindness that this friend, that I had you picture in your imagination, needs.
You need kindness and compassion from others, but it all starts with you !
You have to be understanding with yourself. It takes time to heal and it takes however much time it takes. truthfully the past abuse will never go away. It will always be something that happened to you.
You are allowing yourself time to heal, forgiveness for your imperfections, and the general kindness that anyone should have, if they have suffered such trauma. This is real brain trauma. it creates actual organic changes within the brain…Your brain !
Be kind to yourself with your thoughts. Think about yourself as you would think about your friend. Be there and be supportive of your own path to healing, however long it takes. Don’t judge yourself. Don’t think in terms of “should” be able to …or “should not have…”
The truth is the truth and what you did is what you did. You endured what had to be enured. You worked your way out when the timing of getting out was right for you.
If you are still living in the abuse, then forgive yourself for that too, but begin to work on your plan today. Be careful and get support from outside sources that can be trusted, even if you cannot trust family members. If you need people that are disconnected from your life to help you, for the sake of safety, then seek outside help.
Treat yourself the way you would treat any woman you knew that came to you in distress. Any woman who was in danger of her physical or mental safety. Healing starts within you and with your ability to feel compassion for yourself.
Who are They to say we are…
too set in our ways
Who are They to say that we are only…
a stay at home mom
a working Mom
a mental case
Who are They to say that we can’t…
change our minds!
go to college
learn something new
Who are They to say that we have no right to…
talk to them
disagree with them
stand up to them
Who are They to say that we can’t become…
a spiritual advisor
a leader of men
a thinker of new ideas