domestic abuse, emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, Narcissists, narcopath, Psychopath, psychopathic abuse

PTSD Caused by Neglect and Abuse by a Partner

All people have needs to survive. We need to have proper shelter, food and health care. People need to feel safe and that their needs will be met.

Maslow developed the hierarchy of needs theory in 1943. He stated that people have needs that must be met before other ones. The basic needs for shelter and safety must be met for all people.

There is no room for fun, learning, socializing or self-actualizing without the basic needs being met first.

The person fails to thrive. All the things other people do are just not the priority. The safety is the priority and dominates the person’s thoughts and emotions.

When someone is in a living situation where these needs are not met, they are left feeling vulnerable and afraid. The situation is unsafe and potentially life threatening.

There are different types of domestic abuse. All of them involve the person being stripped of their self-esteem and being denied basic needs that every human has.

There are men and women who experience violence against them in their own home. There are episodes of violence and there is a constant threat of violence.

This threat forces the brain to be on alert and suspicious all the time.

The brain is not designed to be in this state for a prolonged periods of time and damage can occur to the way the brain assesses the possibility and level of potential threats for years to come.

There are domestic abuse situations which involve financial abuse. People are controlled financially and cannot take care of their own needs.

I lived in an abuse situation years ago in which I had to go without heat for most of a very cold winter.

My money was controlled and I was not “allowed” to purchase heating oil. I still fear the cold and feel very unsafe and can go into a state of post traumatic stress when I fear that I will be forced to be cold. Even the oncoming winter is frightening to me.

When a person is not taken care of and not permitted to take care of themselves, it causes a trauma.

It is terrifying to feel that you are in danger of freezing, going hungry, going without medical care and any other basic needs. When someone denies you basic human needs it is frightening and creates a horrible feeling of vulnerability.

Living in these types of abusing situations also causes severe damage to a person’s self-esteem. They may doubt their own ability to provide for their own basic needs for years after the original trauma.

The feeling of being vulnerable and in danger is carried in the brain and in the nervous system.

Any situation which is a reminder of the original traumatic abusive situation can trigger a post traumatic stress attack. The person will collapse under the weight of the fear and not be able to function normally.

In addition to traumatic attacks (like severe panic attacks), the person can have a constant feeling of being unsafe. They feel that any minute something could happen to put them in a place of fear and danger.

Most people have never been in a dangerous situation of violence of of being in danger of starving or freezing to death. They have never been in a situation where someone threatened to cause them to lose their job unless they were compliant.

We have lived through an on-going situation of terror and physical and mental abuse. Being forced to go without basic needs is mentally abusive as well as physically abusive.

It is also emotionally abusive. We need to be loved.

How could the person we trusted and loved, allow us to suffer like that? They made us feel that we were at fault or that we did not deserve to be taken care of. We did not deserve to be able to take care of ourselves.

It is difficult for people to understand the post traumatic stress that can result from living in a domestic abuse situation. It can take years to feel safe again or the person may never feel truly safeIt is hard to trust people again.

A person who survived domestic abuse trusted someone who violated them in the worst possible way. They treated them like they were not human. It is very hard to truly trust anyone again after that happens to you.

It is hard to trust situations.

I trusted that I would have food and heat once. Now I never really feel confident that my current situation will be able to be sustained.

I am often anxious on my way home about  whether or not the house will still have heat in the winter. The fear does not subside until I enter the door and feel that the heat is working.

It is a terrible thing to live with post traumatic stress disorder. It is sad that so many people do not understand how we feel. 

We have lived through situations where there was a very real threat. In our minds, what is to keep it from happening again. Our good judgement?

Clearly our judgement let us down already. How can we trust ourselves?

My hope is for awareness that will generate some understanding. I also pray that all of the many people suffering PTSD from domestic abuse are able to one day find peace and a feeling of safety.

Namaste,
Annie

abuse, battered women, domestic abuse, domestic violence, life, marriage, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, PTSD from domestic abuse, relationships, women abuse

Domestic Abuse and Damage to Self Esteem

Domestic abuse results in mental breakdown. There is no physical abuse without mental abuse. There is no sexual abuse without mental abuse. There is no financial abuse without mental abuse. gaslighting is severe mental abuse and anything else that is targeted to destroying your self esteem, your individuality, your independence and your ability to think for yourself, is mental abuse.

The men that abuse women’s minds are doing it to gain control over your thinking process. They do not want you to have an original thought. They want you to agree with their ideas and their thoughts. They do not want you to have any independence. This would be threatening to their control over you.

They want to have someone to dump on and take their anger out on. They want you at their beck and call when they want sex, money or someone to rage at. They want a scapegoat for their mistakes and their faults.  Did I say “their” faults? Oh. I forgot…they don’t have any! Not according to them anyway.

If they are incapable of doing something, you must be to blame for it. You are not supportive enough. You are not picking up enough slack at home. You made them angry before they went to work, therefore, it is YOUR FAULT they lost their job! They would have been in a better mood at work and not “acted out” in front of the customer or their co-worker, if you had not caused them to do so.

If they have not had enough sleep, it is…Yep, You guessed it!…YOUR FAULT! again.  If they overslept, it was your fault too. If they are low on gas, it is your fault because they drove you to work yesterday.

The narcissist abuser is full of contradictions. You are lazy about taking care of their home, yet you are too ambitious about your job. You are slutty when you wear make-up out of the house, but you are a prude when you are not in the mood to have sex with them  (after they have been raging at you.) You are too demanding of their time when you need something but you are too unavailable when they want you.

The mental abuser wants you to feel inferior to them. You are not intelligent enough to understand things, even though you graduated from college and they dropped out of 2 trade schools. You are not as pretty as the other girls he dated but he is kind enough to let that go, because he is a wonderful man.

You do not keep the house clean enough or make dinner from scratch often enough. This is true, even if he is out of work and you are working double to cover his part of the bills. This is true even when he just got fired  and you are working extra hours while he sits home and sulks.

You can never ever, never ever be good enough. The house will never be clean enough. The meals will never be good enough. You will never be on time, even when you were ready early, because somehow you caused him to take too long to get out the door.

He is angry when you go to work and acts as if you are going to a party without him. His job is very hard men’s work but your job is just women’s work. You would never understand what REAL work is about. Women just think they work hard!

I was working as a nurse aide in a nursing home once. This is one of the most difficult jobs I have ever done in my life. It is extremely physically demanding because you have to lift people all the time. You are constantly pushed too hard and yelled at by the supervisors. You get attached to the patients and then you watch them die.

My boyfriend said… “Your job is easy. All you do is push wheelchairs around all day!”  This was after I had told him many stories about what I had done at work and had come home in extreme pain so many times from injuring myself while lifting someone.

There are constant snide and sarcastic comments at your expense. My ex once said to me “Are you sure you went to college? I don’t know what they taught you there. You can’t even pick out the “right” bread at the grocery store.”

So, yeah! That is life with a mental abuser. I have many stories from my own experience that I will share on this blog. I want to create awareness so that other women can identify the fact that they are being abused or that they were abused in the past.

We lose our self esteem and we feel like we have lost our minds because the abuser has a way of twisting reality around. They constantly change the facts, to suit their purposes.  Eventually you begin to question your own sanity, your intelligence and your ability to survive without them.

Let’s collaborate! Let’s put our heads together and figure out whether we are really stupid, crazy, lazy, slutty, and insensitive or if we are truly lovely ladies who have great gifts to offer the world!