abusive relationships, emotional abuse, gaslighting, narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Why You Can Never Please the Narcissist

Check out my new video on YouTube about why you can never please the narcissist. They have another agenda entirely. They would rather make rules that you can’t follow, and have expectations that you can’t possibly meet, that to have an actual happy, healthy relationship with you.

 

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abuse, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, domestic abuse, gaslighting, narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Moving Forward After Abuse and Gaslighting

Getting on with your life after existing in a day to day, ongoing altered reality, can be extremely challenging. Narcissists and other abusers influence the way you perceive yourself and the world around you .

Their goal is to control your perceptions, your feelings and your thinking process. This conditioning is a kind of brainwashing and uses similar techniques that cults use to control their flock.

Isolation from others that would support you, and give you a different frame of reality than the narcissiat wants you to have, is a go-to technique used by most abusers. It may not be obvious to you that they were doing it, or are doing this to you.

You may notice that you are unable to spend time with your friends or that you no longer have access to people that would spend time with you. The abuser finds ways to prevent you from inviting people to the house or interacting with them socially outside of the house .

Abusers are often jealous, envious, disruptive of your relationships. They create drama and chaos, in order to cause dissention, and discomfort to you and to others that would otherwise help you.

They may tell you they feel threatened by your friends or that you should not trust certain people.

Sleep deprivation is another go-to technique of abusers, to control you. When you are sleep deprived, you don’t think as clearly, and you don’t have the energy needed to combat the gaslighting and other mind control tactics that are being used on you.

You may not notice that they are intentionally sleep depriving you. There are a variety of ways they can do this and be unaccountable for it .

Gaslighting is often difficult to recognize and it is extremely dangerous psychologically to your mental clarity and mental well – being.

It can be out and out lying about things that have happened, or extremely subtle with no words at all. Conflicting realities can be presented with body language, and non – verbal expressions, or by lack of response when there should normally be a response.

You will start to feel like your ability to understand what is going on , has been altered. You might feel like your memory is not as good as you think it is.

The narcissist will mirror something back to you that does not seem like an accurate version of who you are, what your values are, or what your real personality is. You might feel like they seem to be perceiving you as a completely different person than who you believed you were.

This is because they want you to be confused. They want to break down your self esteem and your sense of who you are.

It is psychologically dangerous. Many of my clients experience depression, panic attacks, generalized anxiety disorder, and even  suicidal ideations, after long term, on-going gaslighting.

To not be able to hold onto a reality about your own identity is terrifying. The constant interferance with your perception of reality leaves long term effects after you are no longer in the relationship.

If you are still in a relationship with, or have contact with the abuser that was gaslighting you, please be aware that it takes resilience and constant re-orienting yourself back into reality as you know it is.

The longer you are in a gaslighting situation, the more difficult it can be to re-wire your brain and to reduce the panic attacks.

Anytime something is associated with the gaslighting that your abuser did to you, it will cause an emotional flashback to how it felt at the time. Your fight or flight mode will kick in, because your brain recognizes it as a threat to you.

You will run into narcissists sometimes in your day to day life. You don’t have to be in a relationship with them, for something they say to trigger you. It happens to many people  who have been in abusive relationships. Try to limit the length of the interaction and amount of contact you have with anyone who does things that reminds you of the gaslighting that you went through in the abusive relationship.

Abusive relationships can be marriages, romatic or sexual partners, family, friends you lived with, or anyone who targeted your mind with cruel or malicious intentions.

All abusers do not appear to be disordered to others. Many of them appear to be good – hearted people or pillars of the community. They are pastors, therapists, social workers,l doctors , and lots of other roles where they can gain the trust of others.

They do not want to be exposed for who they really are, and that they have no real empathy for others. Posing as a humanitarian, an intellectual, a church member, an honest business man or woman, etc. gives them the cover story that they need. It creates a narrative for who they want people to think they are.

Once you have this realization that this person you trusted, was actually scheming against you, it can be a shock.

Even more so, can be the shock of the realization that there are a percentage of people walking among us, that look and seem like everyone else, but they are manipulators that sadistically target people with the intention of destroying them.

The recovery from on-going abuse is a process. You can get your proper perception back about who you really are. You can gradually reduce the emotional flashbacks, and navigate your life in a positive direction.

It takes time to get back on the right path for you. For many people, it takes re-wiring beliefs in your subconscious that go back to your childhood .

You are an independent, soveriegn individual person, with a unique set of gifts, skills and possibilities.

No one has the right to try to mislead or diminish your life. You have the right to mental clarity and to see things for what they are.

Recovery from gaslighting, verbal abuse, and on-going abuse from a psychopath, a narcissist or a narcissistic borderline takes a while.

It is an on-going, day to day process. Your brain will fall back into the narcissists reality because you were conditioned to be in that reality. It is familiar and what is familiar can seem safer to your brain.

But new realities are out there. New ways of perceiving yourself and your place in the world are possible for you.

Never give up on yourself . If you were not special, and if you did not have significant value, then the narcissist would not have bothered targeting you.

They are looking to take something away from their targets. They want to crush out the light that you have, so you cannot share that light with the world.

Namaste,

Annie – gentlekindnesscoaching.com

abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Thriving Amongst Predators

Predators like narcissists, and sociopaths / psychopaths are a percentage of the population.

At least 10 percent of the population is toxic and psychologically dangerous to be close to, ad far as I can tell.

While there are beautiful, creative, kind people in every culture, there are also predators in every culture

It is not something new. They go back as far as history does.

You see them described in Greek mythology and mythology from other cultures. There are stories about them in the bible, going back to Genesis .

So yes, we have to survive, or hopefully thrive, amongst predators and personality disordered individuals .

For some reason, it is part of living in this reality on this earth.

Many speculate as to why there is suffering in the world.  While not all suffering is due to psychopaths and narcissists, a lot more of it is than people credit to them.

The question as to why is just that. It’s a question that is beyond us to really know.

The priority to me, as q life coach of abuse victims, is to support people to be able to live, create, find joy, and connect with humanity in a way that makes life worth living.

The will to live is often precarious, after years of being attacked by these kinds of dark workers.

I refer to them as dark workers, because they are the opposite of light workers who are people who care about the better side to humanity and try to bring that light to othets

So many victims of cruelty by these toxic individuals are nearly at their end of having the will to go on. The narcissists try to remove any beauty from your life.

They give the illusion of hope to the victim, only to crush it under their feet

They would have you believe that they can’t help their behavior because they were once abused themselves.

The evidence is clearly against this being true, since so many people go through horrors at the hands of these predators and have not turned evil.

Abuse does not turn people evil. Abusers just want you to think they can blame someone else for their lack of humanity.

But man’s inhumanity to man goes way back. It goes back as far as history goes. Man’s inhumanity to man does not describe most people.

It does not describe mos5 abused people. It only describes the dark ones who inflict cruelty on others for their own gain and personal sadistic enjoyment.

Your narrative may have been influenced by one or more cruel indivuduals.

You may have been mislead by someone with no capacity to love and show compassion, that you are solely responsible for the way your narrative turned out.

But every time you had to respond to attacks and danger from a predator, you made the best choice you were able to make at the time. Your choices and decisions were based on what was happening, and  who you needed to protect.

Do not attach your identity to the narrative of a life that was interfered witg by one or more cruel, abusive people. They chose to put you into situations, whete there was no good choive. There were just efforts to avoid the lesser of the eviks that a predator was about to dish out to you, or to someone you were trying to protect from more harm.

The less importance you give to that narrative that was your life up until this point, the better you can detach from the narcissist.

All the parts that were written by, or interfered with by a psychopath or a narcissist, are their writing. They wrote those sections of a play that you never consented to being in.

Your narrative is the one you would have created if you had not been spending your time putting fires out all over the place, that some sadistic person was setting.

The way you would like your life to be matters. It says much more about you than the narrative that you have lived up until this point .

Don’t see yourself with eyes of shame, based on things the narcissists fed to you.

Don’t believe the lies you have been told by the people who  wanted you to suffer, fail and blame yourself.

These predators have no accountability. They want to blame everyone but themselves for their ridiculous behavior.

Believe in the person within you that would have created an entirely different story. Drink that story in.

You are the one who believes what you know is beauty, and what you know is truth deep down inside.

Let your logic and critical thinking guide you, as you make decisions and take action to make things better for yourself and those who deserve a beautiful life

Listen to your intuitiom about the people you meet, and the things they say. Don’t be conned by the con artists that want to make you feel like there is something wrong with you for knowing to question their intentions.

If someone has alterior motives, questionable intentions or contempt for you, then they deserve to be distrusted by you.

No matter how they manipulate your thoughts around, you do not have to feel guilt or shame for wanting to survive, avoid pain, or to create a beautiful life.

You are not responsible for someone else’s behavior. You are not obligated or responsible to make allowances for another person’s character flaws to your own detriment, or to the detriment of your children.

The predators have no more of a right to survive and live well than you do. They may feel entitled to things that you have or things you do not have, but that is their problem. It does not have to be your problem.

You will be in a better position to offer your gifts to others, when not being destablized by cruel, abusive manipulators

Reserve your love, acceptance and generosity for those people that have compassion, kindness and creativity.

Narcissists and psychopaths / sociopaths are mimics. They imitate normal emotion and they are practiced con artists.

You do not have to disclose your thoughts, feelings or ideas to eveeyone who asks you questions, or pretends to care .

You can take your ability to create your life back. Your right to create your own path never went away.

Remember that abusers, con artists, covert narcissist, and  victim – playing predators are grandios in their thoughts about themselves.

They have contempt and envy of you. It is their problem and you cannot fix them.

They choose who they are each and every day.

They don’t have the right to choose who you are, or tell you that they know you better than you know yourself .

You can create your own narrative, both past and present . Your story is what you believed, in regards to beauty, love, creativity and humanity.

Doing the dance with a predator can feel like it contaminates you.

But your mind is highly more intelligent in regards to being a creator, rather than a destroyer.

Your story is not the one that your abusers told you. Even your memories are affected heavily by the gaslighting and the lies they told you.

It’s impossible to actually remember any events exactly the way they were. So if someone has made you feel shame about situations where you were trying to survive abuse, then the chances are the truth is lost in translation anyway.

Your story is you and your humanity. Your story is about the person who still offered kindness to others and struggled to believe in humanity in the midst of being in close personal proximity to a dark worker

Their dark work will go on most especially because they are always twisting the truth, changing the facts and even their own narrative.

Let it be. Protect yourself and your loved ones who have true compassion for others.

Be the light for your own path. The narrative that makes you feel like a failure, or inadequate is lies and gaslighting.

It is something imposed upon you by dark manipulators that had an alterior agenda than it seemed .

Live life creatively. Use your critical thinking. Listen to your intuition.

And most importantly, believe in yourself

Not the self of someone else’s narrarive of you.

The real person that you are. The one that had an entirely different narrative of their life in mind.

Hold onto that narrative as the one that represents you.

 

 

 

 

dark poetry, devaluation, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, gaslighting, mental abuse, narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

The Icy Stare of Your Abuser

The “blank stare” of the narcissist is agreeable disconcerting and creepy.  It is like you are being looked at but they are not really looking at you as a real person.

These eyes are looking in the direction of your face and yet those sinister eyes are not focusing on you. The narcissist is looking to find themselves in that river of water like Narcissus in the original Greek mythology.

They are thinking only of themselves as you stand before them, attempting to convey something that they vaguely recognize as human emotion.

If you are angry, they will hit every possible painful button you have, in order to elicit more anger from you.

They are aware that the anger hurts you and they drink it like a drug.

If it is sadness that you are laying before them in some last ditch effort to drag some semblance of humanity out of them, then they will push every possible button you have, in order to draw out every last drop of sadness in you.

They will continue doing whatever will work until your shaking body cannot tolerate another tear dripping uselessly from your eyes.

Then as you are crying or yelling or pleading with them, they will stare at you as if nothing that you are feeling has anything remotely to do with them.

It occurs to me, after some recent study of Paul Ericson’s research on micro-expressions, that they might be holding their face completely still in order to control those expressions that might give them away.

The monster that lies beneath that blank, emotionless stare is far more sinister than just a robot that functions like Spock from Star Trek, with all logic and none of those pesky emotions.

No. It’s not a complete lack of all emotion that narcissists feel. That would be much more harmless, and not nearly as dark.

But it’s a frightening lack of Spock style logic that is actually happening beneath those blank and ice cold eyes. Those eyes that you would swear shone black for just a micro-second a minute ago, but then … that must have been your imagination running away with you….right ?

The real monster peaks out through that blank stare. It watches you from behind those eyes almost in a trance as your display of pain feeds its hunger.

As the energy drains from you, the monster feeds.

The monster is constantly hungry. If It gets too hungry it rages, so it must continually feed.  And you…their favorite source of food…are their primary meal.

Those cold eyes drink your blood like a vampire feeding with its teeth sink deep into the victim’s neck, sucking the dripping blood as it runs greedily down their chin.

If you were to imagine a starving vampire’s feeding frenzy…that would be close to what is going on behind those eyes…that emotionless, responseless stare…that fleeting glint of black, covering all the white in their eyes…then subsiding into an icy cold hazy, glazed over look.

This is a look that you should run from when see it.

That blank stare when you are pouring out your emotion to them. That stare that happens when they deny any accountability for the hurt they have brought into your life.

That icy cold anger that is conveniently covered over by a blank expression from two glazed over eyes. A state that looks almost inhuman in its lack of perceivable emotion.

The cold state of the narcissist is concealing the fact that they are trying to keep the beast from coming unhinged. They don’t really care what you are saying. They are drinking in your pain.

Narcissists and psychopaths enjoy negative supply at least as much as positive supply.

As long as they are the one causimg you to feel the emotions, then they have food.

Sometimes you can create a narcissistic injury by disagreeing with them, or by expecting to be treated as an equal to them. The state that comes from their trying to conceal their contempt for you will create one of the icyest stares of all. You have questioned their authority to Lord over you. After all would be nothing without them… would you?

You owe them for your very existence…and more importantly…you owe them big time for allowing you access to their presence in your life.

Make no mistake…the narcissist considers you are getting a great blessing to be allowed within their presense, never mind allowed to be a part of their inner circle.

You have been extended a great gift from the narcissist’s point of view. You had better act right and give up any ideas of re-attaining your personal freedom.

The beast that lies behind those black eyes is not a tolerant one. It expects your complete obedience no matter how confusing their needs might seem to be for you to meet.

That icy state is to dehumanize you…to make you feel beneath them. If you continue to question them, then the narcissist or psychopath will have to teach you a lesson. It’s for your own good of course.

You have to learn. After all, the beast cannot be questioned. Those eyes warn you not to press the issue, less you take on a harsher lesson rather than just a warning.

 

abusive relationships, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, blame shifting, gaslighting, Uncategorized

Dealing with Narcissists Everywhere

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Once you begin to study narcissism and psychopathy, you begin to  realize how many narcissists you have crossed paths with over the years.

The behaviors of pathological people are often hard to understand. You are likely to leave interactions with them feeling confused and crushed down.

When you are interacting with a narcissist, your thoughts and feelings are discounted. Any reasoning you try to do with them is met with a brick wall.

It is often better not to even give them reasons for your thoughts and feelings. Giving them reasons, just causes them to laugh at, mimimize and disregard you as a person.

They like to train you not to try to reason with them. They do not want to hear any side of things other than their own.

They will train you with rewards and punishments…. but mostly punishments. You will get anxiety when you even think about trying to get them to hear your side of a situation.

The narcissist will systematically train you to associate negative feelings with discussing anything with them. After having to feel embarrassed, insignificant, dumb, and guilty from repeated interactions with them, your brain will activate the fight or flight mode when you are picturing a conversation with them.

In your mind, you can play out scenarios. You can run through scenes in your head, based on different ways you can approach them and different things you can say to get them to see your side. But these scenes will always play out with the narcissistic getting the upper hand.

They will twist your words around. They will intentionally misconstrue what you are saying. They will use selective hearing, to miss important details of what you say.

You will find your reasons minimized pr disregarded, even if they are based on research that you can show them. They will not look at any proof you have, to back uo your reasons.

Your feelings will always be discounted and you will be made to feel that you have no right to ask them to consider your feelings.

Narcissists have no respect for your boundaries. They do not care how situations will affect you. You simply do not matter to them.