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Your Compassion Matters

Every act of compassion matters. Each time you offer a kindness to another living being it matters.

Whether or not you feel that they appreciated your intention afterwords or not, does not change what your intention was.

Sometimes we are not aware of the motives of others, or what is going on in their heads. You may have had a relationship with someone for a long time, and then realized that they never felt the way you thought they did.

They may not have accepted your loving intentions in the way you wanted them to. Some people feel entitled to your service, and therefore cannot truly appreciate the caring intention behind things you did for them. This does not change what your intention was.

Just because the reality of someone is different than your own does not change the power of your personal meaning for acts of compassion and kindness towards them.

Kindness can be shown to random strangers or even people who you never see. You may have held the door for a mom who was struggling with babies and bags at the store. Your small kindness may have affected her mood in a way that it was passed into her…and then she passed the kindness energy along to someone in her home.

You do not always see the domino effect of your good heart.

It is true that sometimes people will turn on you when you least expect it. You may feel that this negates every kindness you ever showed them. But this is not true.

Kindness and compassion are poweful energies. They exist in spite of people who cannot accept or appreciate their pure essence.

This is not to say that you should allow people to walk over you. It is not to encourage you to go out of your way for manipulative people. Not at all.

It is just let you know that your intentions always matter. They have a far more reaching effect than the particular person or situation.

Generating loving intentions towards others sends these intentions out into the energy fields all around you. You can send positive energies to someone sitting near you on the bus, and never speak a word to them.

The energy of intention takes on a life of its own. If you are empathic at all, then you can feel when someone near you is projecting bad energy like anger or evil intention. It is felt in your gut or other places in the body.

The people around you feel and receive the intentions you create. You can self generate compassion and kindness. It can be sent tosomeone else with a gentle touch on the shoulder, or just by making eye contact.

Studies have been able to prove that there are magnetic fields of energy that are projected out from each individual person.

In fact this is true for all living things. That is why you can feel certain kinds of grounding energies when you are in nature.

Trees and plants give off magnetic energy fields. Human magnetic energy fields extend at least 3 to 6 feet in all directions, based on scientific research and studies.

Paying attention to your gut feelings can protect you from people sending malicious energies. It can also guide you toward people that create positive intention and project that compassion outward for others to feel and access.

Some people are energy vampires. You feel drained of energy after spending time with them.

Others are generous with their beautiful strengthening energies. Humans can transmit feelings of  empathy, excitement, acceptance and many other loving energy fields.

Any act of kindness or positive intention you have done or will do, matters. Anytime you project compassion, it has an effect on the collective consciousness of living things.

Even if it turns out that you could not connect with someone in the way you wanted to or expected to, your positive intentions were still sent out to other living beings around you.

Try to surround yourself with loving, supportive people that accept your beautiful pure energies.

Even if someone has let you down in the past, you can still connect with caring people.

Your intentions matter, although you cannot change people who do not want to change. Everyone will not see you for who you are.

Everyone will not be receptive to healing energies, empathy or kindness. Some people just want to see how much they can manipulate you. Try to learn how to identify these kinds of people, so you can minimize contact with them.

The higher your consciousness level, the more truth you will see about the energy fields being projected by others.

Low consciousness levels will attract other people in similar consciousness levels.

Abuse and trauma can sometimes bring your consciousness level down, and affect what kinds of energy you are projecting.

Be careful to assess your psychological and spiritual state, before interacting with others.

Strengthen your ability to self generate states you want to be in.

Awareness of your intuition, gut feelings and energy sensations in your body will help you to self generate specific states.

All of your compassionate intentions have mattered and will continue to matter.

Even intentions that you sent out to people undeserving of those intentions, are not lost. The effect on the energetic dimension was still there, even if the person you were trying to care for had ulterior  motives.

People may try to drain your energies because they can control a drained person easier than someone filled with excitement and purpose.

You can build energy projection skills. You can practice self generating moods and states of being. The better you become at these skills, the more powerful you will be.

Namaste,

Annie 

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You Have Innate Value and Incredible Worth

worth

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No Contact Includes Un-friending Them

no contact stop checking facebook

image from lawsofmondern man tumblr blog

It is extremely tempting to keep checking on what your ex is up to. They count on this and will intentionally pose for pictures that will bother you, and then post them on their facebook page. They want you to see them havint a great time with the new target.

The narcissists gets fuel (narcissistic supply) from knowing that you are jealous of their new partner. They will intentionally take that partner to places and activities they told you they would  not do with you. This is to rub salt into your already painful wounds.

For all you know they dragged the person to those places and they did not really want to go. You know how powerful the narcissist is at manipulating. If course the partner is going to smile for the pictures, because they do not want to look bad on facebook.

You are being mind controlled by the narcissist. They want you to think that this time the relationship is real, and that you missed out because you were  not good enough for them. But it is all the same game.

The pathological narcissists works in cycles. They repeat them over and over again. The idealization and devaluing….the triangulation of the new target with the ex lover. They gain lots of narcissistic supply from triangulating you with the new partner,because they are causing jealousy in both of you.

They are mentioning you to the new partner. Your name will likely come up from time to time, just so the new target knows they have to stay in line, if they want to keep the relationship. The narcissist will tell lies about you in any number of ways. They may tell the new partner that you are still interested in them…or that you were better at something that they are.

This is all part of garnering fuel (narcissistic supply). You are playing into their hands, just the way they planned, by checking on their facebook page and other social media. In order to heal, you have to go No Contact for real.

Checking their pictures and activities is still a passive form of contact. You need to heal and regain your identity. Unfriend them and let them stew about that. It is the best way to get back at them.

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Facebook Page for Narcissistic Abuse

Visit my Facebook page for Healing from Narcissistic Abusegentlekindnesscoaching

anti-social personality disorder, dating a narcissist, domestic abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse, gaslighting, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, malignant narcissistic personality disorder, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic psychopath, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, Narcissists, Psychopath, psychopathic abuse, PTSD from domestic abuse, Uncategorized

Lying Narcissists and Psychopaths

Narcissists and psychopaths lie. They lie as easily and fluidly as other people pour their coffee. They lie as often as other people say hello.

Lying is part of their day. Lying to confuse. Lying to manipulate. Lying to make you look crazy.

Lying is there number one tool. …like the serpent in the Garden of Eden. The more they lie, the better they get at it. And they lie hundreds of times in a week.

They lie when it would be easier to tell the truth and more risky to lie. They lie to cover up their lies. They lie looking you right in the eyes.

They lie when they say “I would never lie to you.”

abuse, abuse red flags, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, domestic abuse blog, domestic violence, emotional abuse, gaslighting, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Psychopath, Psychopath abusive relationship, psychopathic abuse, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse, Uncategorized

Domestic Abuse Re-traumatization and Isolation

Domestic abuse shatters your self esteem because you are treated in such an inhumam way. No…worse than that…you are treated worse than an animal.

Domestic violence and mental / emotional abuse take away your dignity and leave you feeling heavily weighted with shame. It is hard for people who have not been through abuse to understand the shame, and it is hard to explain to them.

The events which occur behind closed doors, in an abusive house, are dofficult to tell people about. If you try to tell them and they do not believe you, this can be very painful and re-traumatizing.

Because you cannot tolerate any more pain, you will likely give up after being re-traumatized a few times by people you thought would believe you.

Some of the events are harr for people to believe, particularly if they knew your abuser, and the abuser treated them completely differently than they treated you. Not only that, the abuser also treated you differently in front of other people, than they did when you were alone with them.

You will be accused of lying, mis-contruing events, having a bad memory, misunderstanding the abuser’s intentions and of being mentally unbalanced. People do not believe that you interpret, perceive or remember events and situations accurately.

The reason this is particularly painful, is that the abuser also accused you of the very same things, many times. They said they did not really “bump” into you that hard, you bruise easily, and that they have been very patient with your over-sensitivity.

They told you that you have a tendency to forget things, to mis-interpret things and even to be abusive to them and not think you were being abusive.

Your reality was has been so twisted around that it took a great effort to regain your faith in your own perception of reality. Even now, you may have the habit of questioning what you see and heat. But your gut tells you when something is wrong about how someone is treating you.

Sometimes the pain of being re-traumatized, minimized, disbelieved, and humiliated all over again can make you self-isolate. You may have cut off contact with people, or you just do not talk to people about anything personal.

There is a natural human need to connect with others. Feeling alone and isolated can extend the abuse. If you are still living with abuse, then you may be very isolated from other people.

Sometimes hearing your very own story, from someone else who is telling their story, can be surprising, because you feel like you are the only one. The abuser quite intentionally caused you to feel that you were very different from other people.

They intentionally isolated you, for a few reasons. They did not want you to have outside support or objective opinions. They wanted to be able to have full access to your brain, allowing keys to no one.

As you are beginning to read about the patterns, methods, and intentional techniques of the abuser, you will be surprised how they are all the same. That being said….these methods are extremely effective and soul raping.

The feeling of isolation, both during and after abuse can cause extreme depression and it can cause anxiety disorders. You can feel mentally and emotionally isolated in a room full of people.

As you continue on your journey towards healing, you will find your authentic self. You will slowly grow more balanced over time and be able to re-build your self confidence.

You are special and unique. The abuser targeted you because you were compassionate and understanding. These qualities are still a part of you and they make you an important and special person.

 

 

abusive relationships, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, narcissism, narcissistic abuse, psychopathic abuse

After Narcissistic Abuse Article

Here is an excellent article about Narcissistic Abuse.

 Check out this blog by  After Narcissistic Abuse.

Learning is healing and learning is protecting yourself from predators. The more you understand how the narcissist operates, the easier you can recognize them. 

You were not at fault when the relationship ended or about the abuse during the relationship. 

Blessings, 

Annie

abuse red flags, abusive men, abusive relationships, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, life, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcopath, Psychopath, psychopathic abuse, red flags you are dating an abuser, safe dating

Narcissists, Psychopaths and the LAW OF ENTROPY

The Law of Entropy is defined by google as follows:

lack of order or predictability; gradual decline into disorder.
“a marketplace where entropy reigns supreme”
synonyms:
deterioration, degeneration, crumbling,decline, degradation, decomposition,breaking down, collapse

The  concept of the Law of Entropy is that everything decays, deteriorates, gets weaker, or falls apart over time. 

Narcissists believe that relationships follow this Law Of Entropy. They know in their minds that a y relationship is doomed to end after a period of slow torturous crumbling. The only question to them is who is in control of the deterioration as opposed to who will be surprised by it. 

Narcissists choose to be  the one who ends relationships before the other person can leave first. If the other person ended the relationship this would invalidate the narcissist’s need to be all powerful, all knowing and all desirable and sought after.

If anyone is going to end a relationship, it is going to be them.

Particularly narcissists that are co-morbid with borderline personality disorder fear abandonment. Being abandoned could inflict pain and the narcissist wants to be the one who is in charge of any pain that is to be inflicted. 

They take this Law of Entropy a step further and twist it into something that is sadistic. As long as the relationship is doomed and the victim is going to “turn on them” eventually anyway, the narcissistic psychopath will make the “devaluation stage” which is leading up to the discard, as painful and slow as humanly possible. 

The devaluation phase will not only prove the Law of Entropy…it will take it to a whole new level. This is the design of the narcissist and the psychopath. 

The relationship not only decays slowly and painfully, but the victim is broken down bit by bit psychologically so that when the “Zombie Witch Doctor” leaves the victim, they are a broken shell of who they once were.

The term “Zombie Witchdoctor” was coined by Richard Grannon and you can click on the term to watch the video where he describes this in detail. This is a great video that I would recommend you watch. It is not too long and you will see a new perspective on this issue of how narcissists break the victim down psychologically, as well as emotionally.

The Law of Entropy is learned by the victim. They are broken down emotionally, psychologically, financially, cognitively, and physically.

They are left with PTSD and a compromised immune system that causes them to develop sicknesses and sometimes disease. 

*Personally, I was hospitalized for infection of internal organs three times after my relationship with a psychopathic narcissist. In addition I was in the emergency room with life threatening infections at least 6 times within a 6 month period. 

The body does not escape the abuse, even if there is no physical striking, punching, kicking or bruising that can be seen by the naked eye.

When there are severe levels of trauma, and ongoing periods of forced fear, the body is flooded with too much cortisol and other stress hormones.

Check out this article about Cortisol and Adrenal Function. 

The victim’s cognitive function is been broken down along with their ability to work and function the way they used to be able to. 

Their Executive Function part of the brain is compromised. You can see my video about this topic HERE. 

The skills needed to get up, dust yourself off and recover from financial devastation are lacking. The narcissist will leave the victim in the worst financial state that they are able to. This adds to the suffering and the continued mental interference of the victim by the abuser. 

The Law of Entropy states that things will continue to break down over time,  until there is nothing useful left of them or they die. ‘

The narcissist wants to leave the victim is an ongoing state of deterioration, so that they will continue to get worse after the narcissist is long gone from the scene. 

They may even check in with you just to see how you are doing, in the hopes to hear how broken you are and how much of a affect they had on you.  This makes them feel all powerful and enforces their grandiose sense of self. 

Not only does the narcissist see relationships in relation to the Law of Entropy, they also see their  pathological space this way too. The term pathological space was coined by Sam Vaknin. I recommend that you watch his video about this topic HERE.

The narcissist tends to move more frequently than other people. Over time their narcissistic environment is likely to break down because of all the wreckage in the lives of people that have interacted with the narcissist.

Once the people in the area have become wise to the tactics of the narcissist, he can no longer play his game and has to move on. People may be actively trying to undermine him or otherwise seeking to out a stop to his evil games. 

The narcissistic psychopath will move on to a new location… probably a new state.

They will line up narcissistic supply ahead of time by visiting the new place and setting up their reputation there.

They will begin their love bombing and otherwise setting up the illusion about their false self that they want to be perceived. 

They leave the broken down previous pathological space behind and simply move on to a new life.

In this new life they might re-invent their false self or tweak their mask. Whatever will work to gain narcissistic supply in the new pathological space is what they will portray. 

And so it is with the narcissist and the psychopath. The Law on Entropy is one of things that drives their decisions.

They protect themselves and plan for the deterioration of their sources of narcissistic supply because they are like a vampire…and sooner or later.they will suck the blood from too many of the people in their narcissistic space, hence ruining the entire town, state, or area, for themselves.

Once it is used up, the narcissist will abandon the pathological space and never look back. The people they leave behind are “out of sight, out of mind” as far as the narcissist is concerned. 

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After Narcissistic Abuse…When Are you Ready to Date Again

It is natural to be afraid to date again or be in a relationship again after you were abused.

I have interacted with hundreds of people on my blogs and on YouTube. Everyone has questions about if, when, how and who to trust again. 

Most everyone wonders how long to wait before making themselves vulnerable to pain again. 

Wherever you are on your path, you know things now that you did not know before. No matter how long it has been or how much you have learned about narcissists and cluster B personalites, it is still okay to feel the need to protect yourself.

You trusted your judgement before and you feel like it let you down.

You trusted in humanity differently before and now your reality has been forever altered. It was a crushing realization that there was no going back.

From time to time you even intentionally zoned out and pretended that the abuser was not that bad…maybe they really loved you and just were too broken to know how to care for you.

But truth is truth. The truth is brutal and we take it in small doses at a time….that is …after that first crushing blow.

You might wonder what you might still be missing. What piece is still left out of your puzzle that you might need.

It is not really so much about them as we think sometimes. The narcissists get so much press all over the internet.

Everyone talks about them, how they are broken, how they just cannot help their behaviors. You have probably heard people say that the narcissist was so abused that all they know is how to look out for themselves.

As a child they had to survive and they developed coping skills which included not feeling empathy or compassion for others. The pain of feeling the emotions of others was too great.

Then they grew up and had to keep these same coping skills they developed as children. They only injure others as a consequence of living and surviving the only way they know how.

Well if you were abused in a relationship with a narcicissist or a psychopath you know they did hurt you on purpose. They intentionally controlled you, lied to you, crushed your self esteem and made you appear to others in an unrealistic way.

You had trouble…and still do…getting anyone to believe your story. You feel alone much of the time with the PTSD that the narcissist has left you with.

Not only did you suffer during the relationship but you suffered long after the relationship ended…and are still suffering.

How could you expose yourself to this potential danger again?

Your judgement failed you once…perhaps more than once. You may have taken them back when they told you they could change.

You may have been taken in by a narcissist that seemed to be such a different person than the last one that you did not recognize anything wrong or unsafe about them.

You have spent countless nights ruminizing about the relationship…wondering what you did wrong and what is wrong with you.

Too much attention is going to the narciccists. They even like it even though they would say otherwise.

They are proud of their skills at manipulation. They are proud they outsmarted you.

But they were not smarter than you. You were just a person with a good nature and they took advantage of that good nature.

You did not deserve to be abused. You did not stay willingly in a relationship that you knew would get worse unless you were caught in their traps.

History will not repeat itself exactly. You will not be the same exact person this time that you were before.

This is more about you and less about them. Screw them. They get enough press and attention.

You have learned about yourself from this and you will continue to learn about yourself.

If you are not confident that you can walk away if you see red flags then you should take more time. If you have not learned about the red flags and the typical narcissistic tactics then take time to learn those things first.

The most important thing is that you have the confidence to be able to back off when you suspect something…or walk away when you feel disrespected or uncomfortable.

Relationships are not about forcing yourselves to tolerate another person’s behavior. If they do things that make you feel unsafe or disrespected then you need to be able to walk away.

If they do things that make you confused and you end up spending time justifying their behavior to yourself then walk away.

If they have to give you stories to justify their behaviors then walk away.

Relationships are not supposedly to be about how much you can take. It is not about how embarrassed you can be made to feel and still stand by them .

Relationships are not about how much you can keep your true feelings to yourselves. They are not about having to justify your partner’s behavior to your friends or having to apogize for their behavior to the waitress.

You need to feel comfortable in your own skin that your feelings, ideas and thoughts deserve respect.

You are the prize that another person should desire. You are the person that someone should make sure that they are making comfortable and happy.

You do not have to tolerate behaviors you do not want to put up with. As soon as it feels that way to you then walk.

Do not allow someone to tell you whether or not their behavior should or should not bother you. Your intution is good. Your brain is good.

You have right to feel how you feel. If the things they are saying do not match with how you are feeling then walk away.

If you can walk away when you do not enjoy their company….if you can move on when you feel that the reality they are trying to sell you does not match the reality right in front of you…then you are ready to dip your feet in the water.

If you need practice looking for red flags and walking away when you see them then maybe dip your toe in the water and comsider it practice or self training.

No matter what you must remember that you are complete and entire person all by yourself. You do not need a “second half” or a “better half” …or a “shitty half.”

Another person is to enrich your life and to share and grow with. They are a partner and a friend ….but not the rest of your puzzle.

Your puzzle may be a work in progress but you have all the pieces within you. It is during your own spiritual path that you will connect your puzzle together.

You do not need someone to complete you and it is arrogant for someone to think you are nothing without them.

Find people that think you are Really Something Special and that they are blessed to be able to spend time with you.

Blessings,

Annie

abusive relationships, anti-social personality disorder, domestic abuse, healing after narcissistic abuse, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcopath, psychopathic abuse, victim of narcissist

One more day to my 6 Month Anniversary of No Contact from the Narcissist

It has been 4 months since I wrote my 3 month No Contact Anniversary Post. On March 14 will be my 6 month anniversary of being narcissist free. What’s more ..I have not entered into any other relationship.

I used to always grab the next guy I saw and go into a serious relationship right away. I could not stand the toxic loneliness that came with being alone, especially right after a break-up. I have gone from one relationship right into another since I was a teenager.

This is the first time I held out and endured the loneliness. It can be done! Not only that, it gives you time to get to know yourself better and to heal from the trauma of an abusive relationship before you get involved with someone else.

When you give yourself this time, you can rebuild your self esteem and become stronger in your own identity. You can now wait for the right person rather than jumping into a relationship with someone you do not know that well…who usually turns out to be another narcissist.

You do not recognize them as a narcissist, especially if you have not studied about the red flags and also learned to establish healthy boundaries for yourself. You need time to yourself to find out what boundaries you need to have and how to define and maintain them.

In order to avoid ending up with another abuser, you need to be okay by yourself first. If you are suffering from toxic loneliness and just want to jump into something as a distraction from your pain, then a narcissist or a psychopath is going to recognize you as an easy target.

They know how to spot you in a room full of people, on the internet from what you write, over the phone from the things you say or anywhere they see you. In one conversation they can tell if you will be compliant with them when you feel the threat of abandonment.

Narcissists are well trained at spotting codependent people and people that have People Pleaser Syndrome. They know that you are afraid to be alone and that you need to be validated by another person for your self esteem and self worth.

Before you go into another relationship you have to learn to self-generate your own feelings of self worth. You need to be secure in the fact that you are worthy because of who you are and not because of what you do.

People that grew up with a narcissistic or otherwise abusive parent learn that they are only loved based on what they do. They learn to cater and comply with the narcissistic parent to avoid punishment and retaliation. They learn that love is based on how well you please the narcissist.

But this is not what real love is. When someone really loves and cares about you, it is because they appreciate you for who you are inside. They should not play games making you jump through hoops just to get their attention and affection.

Six months is probably the minimum amount of time that it takes to get all these things together. I am still not ready for a serious relationship. I am not going to date until I feel more healed than this, but I am much better than I was before.

The pathological loneliness has to be endured.  You have to go through the withdrawal symptoms and get over the Stockholme syndrome. The chemicals take time to re-regulate themselves and your brain actually needs to re-wire itself after narcissistic abuse.