abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, anti-social personality disorder, emotional abuse, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, leaving an abuser, malignant narcissistic personality disorder, mental abuse, mental illness, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, Narcissists, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse, red flags of a narcissist, scapegoat, scapegoating, self esteem, Uncategorized

Healing from C-PTSD and PTSD from Mental Abuse – Identifying Your Own Voice

It takes practice and patience to learn to hear your own intuition and inner voice, after you have been conditioned over time to ignore your own true perceptions. 

 You have a wisdom inside of you that is compassionate and intelligent. You can choose to perceive yourself and the world around you in a whole new way !

The narcissist tried to silence your voice, minimize it, confuse it and discredit it. But you still have an inner voice inside of you…. that can lead you in ways that will support your mental and emotional health. 

Feel your senses and what they are telling you.

Every sensation is part of your guidance system. If something feels wrong, it probably is.

You can Learn How to Over-ride the Untrue Perceptions 

Learn to trust your intuition and to hear your own guiding voice. There are other voices in your head, but you can learn to tell which one is your own. Programming put into your brain during childhood emotional and mental abuse will cause the negative “tapes” that play inside your head. 

Negative tapes playing in your head, are just left over voices with false information from other people.

Things you hear yourself thinking that are negative about yourself, are like computer viruses that were put into your brain, without your consent!

When you are very young, you depend on your parents and caretaker to interpret the world for you. You turn to them to explain the meaning of things that happen.

Children need to know they have innate value, that is detached from mistakes they make or things they do. You have innate value. The things you do or do not do, do not change your true worth as a person.

Once you know that you have worth, then you will be able to do and try things you could never have imagined you could do !

Self Soothing

Self soothing is an important skill that people who grew up in emotionally abusive households, never were taught. You were not taught to sooth yourself, but rather you were taught to berate yourself and shame yourself. 

Children and teenagers need guidance to learn how to sooth themselves, when something bad happens. If you have C-PTSD from mental abuse as a child, then your feelings about bad things that happened to you were minimized, criticized and called selfish.

Learning what selfish is Not

You need to learn that it is not selfish to set boundaries, and to protect your emotional and mental health. You have every right to take care of your own brain and your own heart.

If you grew up in an abusive environment, then you were told it was selfish when you tried to express your feelings about the things that were happening around you. The controlling parent wanted everything to revolve around them. They never considered your feelings about decisions they made, or their behaviors. 

You probably developed “emotophobia” from being shut down every time you expressed your feelings about ad things that happened. Even expressing good feelings like joy, and self esteem were crushed down, and called selfish. 

The Shaming Voice

Shaming is one of the worst of the “viruses” that was programmed into you. No one self shames naturally. Babies do not come into the world feeling shame. 

Parents that are manipulative, narcissistic, and mentally abusive, shame you for things that you should not have had to feel bad about. Now as an adult, you still hear those voices in your head anytime you make a mistake, or even do anything that elicits a negative reaction from other people.

What Thoughts are Your Own?

Thoughts that you are a bad person, that you are inadequate, and that you will fail when you try to do something….these were programmed into you over years of negative reactions to you by your caretakers and people you trusted to love you. 

Other people may have added to your negative perceptions about yourself. Teachers, bullies that were your peers, abusive babysitters and other people that you were exposed to as a child, may have added their own toxic spice to your view of yourself.

When you feel passionate about doing something that you feel called to do…

When you feel confident about something you want to give to the world…

When you know just for a second that you have something special to offer to the world, because only you have the unique gifts that you were born with….

When you feel called to help someone else, or other people in some way, by using your own ideas, knowledge, love, and other gifts…

These things are your own voice and you can tell because these thoughts support you.

But…..

When that thought comes in that tells you that …

you are not good enough

you are inadequate

there is something wrong with you 

you do not deserve to be happy

you have nothing special to offer

you will just screw it up so why bother trying…

These are the NOT your own thoughts and you can tell because they do not support you. 

You have my permission….to give yourself permission to….. Let Go of All Thoughts and Behaviors that No Longer Support You.
Just because someone told you that these negative perceptions about yourself were true, does not make them true!

Emotional Wounds

Living in an abusive, chaotic traumatic childhood left emotional wounds on your heart. These wounds are carried around by you.

They are fed by the negative thoughts that someone once told you were true. Thoughts that you are not good enough. Thoughts that the world around you cannot be trusted and that you should shut yourself down and never try to bloom into the beautiful flower that you really are. 

Abusive Partners Re-open Old Emotional Wounds

Old emotional wounds were reinforced by any abusive partners you ended up with as an adult.

Abusive partners are highly skilled at identifying and re-opening old emotional wounds. Narcissist and psychopaths target people who are carrying emotional wounds from childhood. They can identify you from other people.

Abusers know how to gain your trust , so that you will reveal all of your weaknesses and wounds to them. Then they will turn the table and throw salt in your wounds, in order to control you.

Your reptilian (primal) brain always tries to keep you away from danger. The abuser know how to activate that fight or flight mode in your brain, and make you feel in danger.

The reopening of emotional wounds is so painful, that it is one of the favorite tools of the narcissist to use against you. 

They will make it clear to you that they will injure you in the worst possible ways, if you do not comply with them. They will use your old wounds against you, by threatening to, and by throwing salt into them.

You will want to avoid this pain by any means possible, and then you will comply with them in order not to have to be re-traumatized by someone recreating your past trauma for you.

You Can Self Generate Feelings of Self Worth

Once you realize that the negative programs in your brain, are not true, then you can begin to re-write these programs in ways that best support you. You never learned to self generate feelings of self worth, but you can learn now.

If you want to find out more…please visit my web site gentlekindnesscoaching.com and add your name to the email list.  ……Also you can follow me on my gentlekindnesscoaching facebook page !

abuse, abusive relationships, domestic abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, mental abuse, mental health, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse syndrome, narcissistic psychopath, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, Psychopath abusive relationship, psychopathic abuse, PTSD from domestic abuse, PTSD from mental abuse, teen abusive relationships, Uncategorized, women abuse

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How to Get a Narcissist Back ? Search Term -Why You Should Not Take Them Back

I frequently check my statistics page and it tells me what search terms landed people on my blog. I was sad and concerned to see that one of the search terms was “How to get a Narcissist Back”

If you are considering getting your narcissist back or you know someone who is… please note the following truths. It is very hard to know the truth. In fact coming to terms with the truth is one of the hardest parts of overcoming narcissistic abuse.

Going No Contact is hard for all of us.  Many of us have been through it and others are still suffering with the chemical addiction and the nightmares from narcissistic abuse.

There are factors that contribute to the difficulty of a break up with a narcissist that are above and beyond normal break-up suffering. There are chemical reactions and reactive behavior to the sympathetic nervous system that make going NO Contact torturous.

You will feel lonely and you will go through tremendous emotional pain. This is all in addition to mental pain and confusion that comes from having your reality manipulated. There can be a brain fog and even feelings of depersonalization and derealization.

You may feel lost and that you can not find a way to go on without them. You will remember the “nice” things they did for you and your memories will trick you into thinking this was real.

Here is a list of reasons why you should hang on and hold your No Contact position. Have faith that the addiction will calm down with time. I know the feelings are like going through a drug withdrawal and it seems like it will go on forever. But it doesn’t.

Here is the list I came up with. If anyone has additions that I have not thought of, please leave them in the comments section here.

  1. Any “nice” things the narcissist did for you was to manipulate you.
  2. They did not love you.
  3. They lied……all the time.
  4. If they were showing any signs of violence, the violence will only get worse if you go back with them because they will respect you even less and feel all powerful over you because they were allowed to abuse you and you still took them back.
  5. If they never showed any signs of violence they  might this time. Abuse always escalates when you are on a second round with them.
  6. They do not deserve a second chance. You gave them many second chances while you were in the relationship with them.
  7. They were grooming their next target while you were with them and you did not know it.
  8. They had already decided when they were leaving you while they were still saying “I love you”
  9. If you have kids, they are in danger of psychological and possibly physical damage if you go back to the narcissist
  10. They will put you through the idealization phase all over again. You will fall for them harder and believe that they have changed. Then they will hit you harder than ever with the devaluation phase and the abuse.
  11. Narcissists tend to live a double life. It is likely that they will stay with their current victim and not tell you they are still with them.
  12. Your financial situation will be in danger. You could lose everything you own.
  13. Your reputation will be danger. They will launch a major smear campaign against you and you won’t know about it until it is too late.
  14. They will either deny you sex and make you feel cheep for wanting it or they will use you like a sex toy that is something they bought in the Adam and Eve catalogue
  15. You are not a person to the narcissist. You are just a prop, a tool and something for them to use and abuse
  16. You can have a better life without them and every time you take them back it will be more difficult to recover your life back
  17. There are people that are real and honest that would be good to you in a relationship
  18. You matter and your purpose in the world matters. Your skills and gifts are being wasted on the narcissist
  19. They are not helpless but they lie to get you to do everything for them any neglect your life.
  20. You will become less and less secure about who you are as a person . Your entire identity is at stake.
  21. They might be a psychopath and are far more dangerous than you know
  22. They are likely to have alternate identities that you know nothing about
  23. You could end up in court with them accusing you of abuse and you will be in such a bad mental state that the system is likely to prosecute you and side with the abuser
  24. You could become sick or disabled from abuse or other reasons and you would be at the mercy of the abuser to care for you
  25. You will be isolated from the people who love you and could help you
  26. You could become pregnant and your child would have an abusive father / You could get her pregnant and your child would have an abusive mother…and she would probably win the children in court
  27. You job , career and any future dreams will be in danger if being interfered with by the narcissist
  28. Your friends and family members will be in danger of abuse from the narcissist

Now we have 28…let’s see if you guys can add at least 2 more to the list. We need to warn people not to go back if they are searching this term. I intentionally used this search term in the title to this post so that it will come up when they search this.

Blessings,

Annie