Living with narcissistic abuse has an effect of making us feel unworthy. Many of us leave abuse, only to repeat the behaviors we learned from the abuser. The narcissist taught us that we had to give and give in order to be loved. We were not worthy of love simply based on who we are.
The narcissist taught us that we had to give unreasonable amounts to them. Unreasonable amounts of effort, unreasonable amounts of time and unreasonable sacrifices of our own lives. We were expected to give up the people and the things we loved, in order to prove that we loved them.
Constant sacrificing to the point of your own personal detriment is not love. Someone expecting you to sacrifice your dreams and the the things you love, is not love on their part.
We are worthy of love. It is not our actions and sacrifices that make us worthy. It is the person that we are. A partner should find value in just being with us, being close to us, being loved by us. There is no need for constant demands from someone. We should not have to give so much more to them, than they even come close to giving to us.
There should not be a balance scale or a meter that they hold up against us, to measure how many things we have done for them today. They should not compare us to ex girlfriends on how much we give. They should not compare us to other women in other relationships.
Narcissists are masters of deception. Make no mistake, they twisted the truth around in their favor. When they compared you to an ex girlfriend, they were not telling you the whole story. When they are telling you to be like “So and so’s ” wife, they are making that situation up too.
They demand not only for you to be perfect, but to be more than perfect. They do not want a perfect woman; they want a slave. The narcissist wants a slave that will be there at his beck and call.
They change the rules on us as we go. As soon as we think we have the perfect routine down that will please them, they change the rules. It is all about domination by lowering your self esteem. They do not want you to feel good about yourself, or ability to be a good wife or a good girlfriend to them. They want you to feel inadequate and worthless. That is how they control you.
Once you have self esteem, then you realize that you do not deserve to be treated in the ways that they treat you. They wold lose their power ti control and rule you, if you were to recover your self esteem. The narcissist game is to constantly crush your self esteem down.
So, what does this mean for us once we are out? We still carry those feelings of being inadequate and worthless. We still feel that in order for someone to love us, we must be at their beck and call 24 hours a day. We must give more to our partner than they give to us. We must constantly measure what we have done recently for them.
In a new healthy relationship, we need to feel that we are worthy to be loved. We can do living things for our partner, but that is what they are…loving acts. If we do a loving act for our partner, it does not need to go onto a list. It is simply something we did because we love them.
When our new healthy partner does something for us, we need to feel worthy to receive it. They should be doing it for us, out of love. If they show us care and love, by doing something for us, then it is because we are worthy of that love.
Little by little, we need our self esteem back. It will allow us to be truly loving to our partner. We will be able to show them our love, because we want to, and not because we are afraid not to.