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No Contact Includes Un-friending Them

no contact stop checking facebook

image from lawsofmondern man tumblr blog

It is extremely tempting to keep checking on what your ex is up to. They count on this and will intentionally pose for pictures that will bother you, and then post them on their facebook page. They want you to see them havint a great time with the new target.

The narcissists gets fuel (narcissistic supply) from knowing that you are jealous of their new partner. They will intentionally take that partner to places and activities they told you they would  not do with you. This is to rub salt into your already painful wounds.

For all you know they dragged the person to those places and they did not really want to go. You know how powerful the narcissist is at manipulating. If course the partner is going to smile for the pictures, because they do not want to look bad on facebook.

You are being mind controlled by the narcissist. They want you to think that this time the relationship is real, and that you missed out because you were  not good enough for them. But it is all the same game.

The pathological narcissists works in cycles. They repeat them over and over again. The idealization and devaluing….the triangulation of the new target with the ex lover. They gain lots of narcissistic supply from triangulating you with the new partner,because they are causing jealousy in both of you.

They are mentioning you to the new partner. Your name will likely come up from time to time, just so the new target knows they have to stay in line, if they want to keep the relationship. The narcissist will tell lies about you in any number of ways. They may tell the new partner that you are still interested in them…or that you were better at something that they are.

This is all part of garnering fuel (narcissistic supply). You are playing into their hands, just the way they planned, by checking on their facebook page and other social media. In order to heal, you have to go No Contact for real.

Checking their pictures and activities is still a passive form of contact. You need to heal and regain your identity. Unfriend them and let them stew about that. It is the best way to get back at them.

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Depression Invisible Illness

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Socialized Psychopaths

psychopath socialized

Image by Dr. David McDermott

Psychopaths are 1 in 25 people. That is a high number.

They are disguised as regular people….pillars of the community….coaches of your kid’s sports team….pastors of your church….your therapist….the local police officer….your surgeon…..your date from Match.com…

Learn the signs of psychopaths. Educate yourself about the red flags, their tactics, and the way they manipulate their prey. They think with their reptilian brain….you are the prey and they are the predator. 

Psychopaths only blend in because people do not know what they are looking at, and they dismiss the signs even when they are right in front of them. 

Stay safe and keep your kids safe. Psychopaths can be charming and they know how to press your emotional buttons. They get into your mind by eliciting emotional reactions from you. 

These are people that you do not want to allow into your life. Once they are in, it can be hard to get rid of them. They retaliate on people that reject them in ways that you cannot imagine, unless it has happened to you. 

More info – Follow my facebook page gentlekindnesscoaching facebook 

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If you Have Gotten Out, Stay Away from Your Abuser

image chef too good

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PTSD Triggers and Being Re-Traumatized

PTSD is a term most people have heard, but often they do not really know what it means.

If you tell someone you have PTSD, it may be hard for them to know what you mean by that, unless they have it themselves or maybe they have a close friend or family member with it.

People with PTSD have trouble with relationships, but not for the reasons people think.

Once you have been traumatized, and then re-traumatized by triggering situations, you feel generally unsafe and there is a natural tendency to want to retreat…back up your steps and run for cover.

People with PTSD can be re-traumatized by people who do not understand, and by people who are more concerned with their own agenda than really understanding.

When someone with PTSD has certain triggers, and explains those triggers to someone, it is important that they are validated and respected. If someone wants to care about a loved one with PTSD, they need to really listen to that person, when they talk about what triggers them. 

*A person that intentionally uses your triggers against you is dangerous to your mental well being. 

But then there are people who just don’t want to listen to or respect your boundaries. Your perceptions are not of an significance to them. 

Everyone has personal boundaries, but people with post traumatic stress disorder can suffer severe re-traumatization when a loved one does not honor their trigger boundaries.

Some triggers cannot be avoided, such as loud noises that may occur independently from either person. However, talking someone into going to a loud dance club, or guilting them into going to fireworks, when it has been made clear that loud noises are triggers, is abusive.

People who have PTSD from the military, and people who have PTSD from domestic abuse have different causes for their symptoms, but some things are the same.

The fight-or-flight mode is activated by the amygdala. If the brain perceives a threat, even if that threat is not real, the amygdala will send chemicals into the body like adrenaline and cortisol.

 The feeling in the body of a “perceived threat” and a real threat is exactly the same. The same physiological responses occur, including blood pressure elevation, and feeling of extreme fear and the feeling that you have to act right away.

Someone who had their jaw fractured by an abusive boyfriend, who suddenly stormed towards them in a fit of anger, may be triggered by someone coming quickly into their personal space, especially if that person is angry.

Once you have asked someone not to do certain things which trigger you, it is a terrible feeling when they still continue to do them. It feels very violating, and only serves to break the trust bond.

Relationships need to be based in trust. Intimate relationships, as well as friendships and family relationships have to feel safe. If one person does not feel safe, then there is a lack of understanding and a lack of trust.

Without both parties feeling safe, the relationship will break down. People with PTSD can find it difficult to trust again, after others have invalidated them about their symptoms.

Sometimes someone will disbelieve you, minimize your trauma, or accuse you of trying to manipulate them with your explanations about your trauma and your triggers. This is very painful and re-traumatizing.

People who have PTSD or C-PTSD from abuse were invalidated as part of the abuse process. Their emotions were minimized, disregarded and made fun of.

To have someone close to you minimize your PTSD, or disbelieve you is re-traumatizing. It gives  the victim into an emotional flashbacks or actual sensory flashbacks.

You can only tolerate being traumatized and re-traumatized so many times.

Soldiers that come back from war only to be disrespected by civilians, or invalidated and ignored by the Veterans Administration, are being re-traumatized.

It is a way of invalidating a person’s reality. This has negative effects on the person’s mental and emotional state.

People with PTSD can be perfectly good and caring partners and friends. They just need validation, respect and understanding.

But after repeated re-traumatization, a person feels isolated and too vulnerable to take a chance on trusting another person again. This leads to self isolation, depression, and often suicidal thoughts.

Evolutionary psychology tells us that our subconscious brain feels threatened by the potential that we would be completely isolated, shunned or thrown out of the social circle.

A Little Evolutionary Psychology

In the past, humans lived in social survival groups called tribes.  Being accepted and included by the tribe was critical for survival. Being shunned would have meant death !

Our primal brain  (called the reptilian brain) perceives rejection by the tribe to be potentially life threatening.  When we are feeling a similar kind of threat, it triggers the fight or flight response in our limbic system of the brain. The amygdala becomes active and send all kinds of alerts and chemicals into the body.

Technically, we could survive living alone and isolated these days, but we were not meant to live in isolation… especially isolation due to “mobbing” or “scapegoating” by the tribe.

This is one of the reasons that scapegoated family members, suffer such severe mental and emotional trauma.

People with PTSD need to feel that they will still be accepted by the Tribe (family, community…whatever applies to the situation…).

They need to know that their personal reality will be validated, even though it may be very different from that of other people. The experiences someone with PTSD has endured may seem strange to people that have not ever had that kind of trauma in their reality.

Isolation can cause death by suicide or “failure to thrive.”

Self isolation will almost always cause severe depression. But being re-traumatized is just as bad, and the brain will try to lead people away from that pain.

Our primal brains are designed to take us away from danger, or perceived danger….and towards pleasure. But the “away from danger” is the priority.

Re-exeriencing the feelings of danger, fight or flight chemicals and physiological responses, is not something that anyone could tolerate on a regular basis.

We were not built to feel in danger all the time. Being in a state of hyper-arousal all the time depleats the immune system and causes mental disorders.

People with PTSD need understanding and validation.

They need their loved ones to be sensitive to their triggers, and to pay attention to what the person asks and needs. 

Otherwise. the relationships cannot continue in a way that is safe for the PTSD sufferer. The person with PTSD will shut down and crawl inside of themselves. No healthy relationship can be sustained without safety for both people. 

 

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Narcissists Establish Trust with the Victim

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There is Light Beyond the Darkness of Mental Abuse

Narcissistic abuse is painful. You can experience such grief in the midst of being emotionally abused that you feel hopeless.

Depression and anxiety can overcome your heart, your mind and your soul. Healing from this extreme level of multi-layered pain takes time.

You are not alone. Living in sn abusive environment is like living in hell. Your reality can become twisted all around by the abuser, who does this intentionally. They get some sadistic pleasure from confusing you and stripping away your identity.

All kinds of symptoms can arise, even months after you are out of the abuse. The psychopath or narcissist wants you to still think about them after they are gone. It feeds their addiction to attention and grandiosity.

You feel small and insignificant…and like you are living under a heavy  weight that you can hardly move underneath of.

You can heal and regain your sense of self. Keep having faith in yourself and imagine the things you want out of life.

You were conditioned…probably from childhood…that what you want does not matter. But why do someone else’s dreams matter more than yours do?

Don’t give up. It gets darker before it gets lighter. There are moments of crushing darkness but the light is still out there waiting for you.

There are other victims who care and can help to lead you out. Talking to people who have not been through narcissistic abuse can retraumatize you. Try to find people who have been there and have gone through the darkness into the light.

Let tbe veil of illusion come down and let the light come in to heal your broken heart and wounded soul.

 

Blessings,

Annie👭🌺