abuse, abusive relationships, emotional abuse, leaving an abuser, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Why do Codependents and Narcissists Attract

hearts

.image from pinterest here 

.

This is a video interview style conversation between Teal Swan and Ross Rosenberg. 

.

They discuss the reasons why codependents and narcissists attract each other, and why they are attracted  to each other. The level of need …the level of the emotional wounds they carry…usually from childhood abuse and neglect…usually matches. 

.

The worse the toxic loneliness the codependent has, the farther on the scale of narcissism the partner they are attracted to will be. If someone is very needy to the point of a 7 on a scale of 1 to 10, then they are likely to end up with a narcissist who is a 7 on the scale of needing to dominate and control someone. 
.

Both partners have old emotional wounds. The severity of the wounds usually  match, with couples that end up attracting and staying together. Although the relationship is very painful to the codependent, they stay because the pathological loneliness that occurs when they are alone feels worse than when they are with the abusive partner. 

.

Teal and Rosenberg agree with each other on some points, including that most all narcissist and codependents come from a family with a narcissistic parent, or a psychopathic parent. The children in these families have to learn how to survive. 
.
Codependents learn that they have to make their narcissist parent happy by taking care of their needs and worrying about their feelings all the time. It is a “conditional” kind of love. They learn that love is based on how much you sacrifice, care for, and comply with the needs of the other person. 
.
It is an interesting chat between the two of them. There are some places where they present different views. I agree with a lot of things that are said here, with some exceptions. 
.
I disagree with Ross Rosenberg when he says that the narcissist was the child that was not favored by the parents and that their level of trauma was worse than that of the codependent. He might be seeing things from his personal experience and assuming that it is the same for everyone. 
.
From listening to my clients, I know that the narcissists were not all “more abused” than the codependents. I have heard stories of horrific abuse from the clients I have, and these clients came out to be very compassionate and kind people .
.
So everyone that experienced terrible abuse does not come out to be a narcissist. People develop based on their own soul and their own natural personality traits , and how that interacted with the atmosphere in the home growing up. 
.
Codependents tend to have trouble setting boundaries because they were conditioned to feel selfish when they would ask to be heard, or when they expressed their own needs. Even though the codependent can realize that the narcissist is demanding and overstepping their rights in the relationship…the codependent cannot always tell how to set boundaries for themselves in a way that feels like they deserve it. 

.

There is a heavy conditioning in the home with a narcissistic parent. The parent is the focus of the universe in the home. They demand that everything revolves around them and their wants and needs. Children are often punished or shamed for expressing their feelings about anything.

.

The narcissist needs to disassociate from the abuse while it is occurring. They create a false reality to endure the abuse. The codependent also may do this, but not in the same way the narcissist does. 
.
The narcissist creates a false self that is able to endure the abuse. This false self continues into adulthood and become the mask they live behind. They become demanding and manipulative like their narcissistic parent. 
.

The codependent is desensitized to the abuse, because they had to endure so much of it as a child. They often to not recognize abuse for what it is, when it begins in the relationship. By the time they do realize it, the time has passed for easily leaving the relationship, because the addiction is fully kicked in. 

.

.

.

abuse, abuse red flags, abusive relationships, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, narcissistic abuse, Narcissists, Uncategorized

Red Flags You are in an Abusive Relationship

.

There are  red flags that may help you to identify early on that you are with an abusive personality. If you are seeing a few of these characteristics then you need to assert some boundaries with them and see how they react.

If they fight you about having simple personal boundaries then you need to realize that you may be in an abusive relationship. 

Tell them you have to go sleep early one night because you have a lot to do the next day. If they do not accept this, then there is a problem.

No one should give you guilt or shame you that you are not good to them, when you are doing simple basic things to take care of yourself.

It is not normal for someone to threaten to leave you or call you a bad girlfriend if you want to do things for yourself like take a class, do an extra assignment for school or work, or spend time with family or friends.

.

You should never feel manipulated by guilt, shame or fear. People that love you do not inflict fear or threats in order to get you to comply.

.

.

Here is a list that I have come up with from research and also from personal experience. There may be things that need to be added. Feel free to leave any ideas in the comments.

.

Keep in mind that narcissists are on their best behavior at the very beginning of the relationship, called the idealization phase.

.

Many of these red flags will not come up until the “honeymoon phase” is over in a couple of months. The best ones to look for early on are the ones that I put near to the top of this list.

.

Love Bombing and Pushing to be in a Serious Relationship Right Away.

.

Constant texting, calling, stopping over (calls you the second you get out from work or during work/ calls you while you are trying to get ready for work/ calls you first thing on your day off and wants to be on the phone, texting, or see you all day on every day off you have / calls while you are out with friends and you told them you would be busy with friends/  texts you when you said you would be at the gym….never ending constant contact)

.

Angry or very upset when you do not respond to texts and voice mails right away.

.

Never taking responsibility for their action – things are always someone else’s fault.

.

Chameleon-like changeable personality – a different personality for different people and situations.

.

They are always right and never make a mistake.

.

They hate to be told they could have done something better or differently.

.

Jealousy and Ownership of You.

.

Isolating you from family and friends(discouraging you from spending time with them/  getting angry when you do/ saying that those people are interfering somehow in your relationship/ telling you that relatives that you have known for years are out to get you and you did not realize it).

.

Need to control your schedule.

.

Never apologizes or does so in a sarcastic,  fake way.

.

Need to know where you are at all times.

.

Telling you what to wear and how to look.

.

Control of the money ( you need to check with them before you spend your own money/  they question how you spend your money/ shame you or make you feel guilty over spending your money on yourself)

.

Criticism and disrespect  of women (this may not be directed at you at first  since they put on their mask and are on their best behavior during the idealization phase – observe how they treat other women who they have nothing to gain from)

.

Making you account for your whereabouts.

.

Making you ask permission or clear your activities with them.

.

Name calling and demeaning.

.

Complaining that the women at work do not treat him with respect.

.

Excessive monitoring and making you check in all the time.

.

Extreme sense of entitlement.

.

Unrealistic, and unreasonable  demands.

.

Lack of sympathy and empathy.

.

Not interested in anyone else’s side of things.

.

Accusing you of cheating when you are not.

.

Blaming you for things that do not go his way.

.

Excessive need for control in the house.

.

Manipulating your friends and family to take their side in arguments.

.

Getting angry if you have a different opinion than they do.

.

Making you feel stupid and less intelligent than they are.

.

Being disrespectful to you in front of your family and friends

.

Visit my gentlekindness facebook page for narcissistic abuse and find out more about healing and overcoming narcissistic abuse

abusive relationships, devaluation, domestic abuse, mental abuse, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Hoovering

The loneliness after leaving an abusive relationship can be overwhelming. This feeling, combined with the chemical addiction to the relationship often drives people back to the partner.

Narcissists know this all too well. They have played the game many times before. They know just how long to ignore all of your texts and your calls.

Even if you are the one that chose to leave, the abuser is a master at hoovering you back in. They know the pain you will suffer from the withdrawal from them.

The hoovering usually occurs between 3 and 6 months after you have stopped hearing anything from them. They may even have paraded their new prey on facebook for you to see, but this new partner will not stop them from wanting one more go at you.

If you think they hurt you the first time, you are in for a higher level this time. If you left them, they will be sure to punish you fully, and then discard you in the cruelest possible way.

If they discarded you the first time, make no mistake that they will escalate the devaluation phase, before discarding you like the garbage they think you are.

The narcissist’s skill of cold empathy (cold reading), will enable them to woo you for a time. They will give you their honeymoon phase ( idealization phase) one more time…and make you think that they now appreciate the real you, more than ever.

Buy when that first glimmer of darkness crosses their expression, and their eyes glare at you…like predators do…your gut will tell you that you have made a mistake…you are in danger.

That feeling of danger will frighten you, and you may try to tell yourself it is in your imagination. After all…your view of reality hasn’t been that good lately. Has it?

You haven’t been remembering things quite the right way recently. Have you?

Who are you to question this person who was so gracious in taking you back?

This person who…changed their ways just for you….gave up the other women because you are the only one who understands them.

Or do you?

There is something dark surrounding you….pressing down on you….

It must be that you are mentally unstable. After all….he mentioned his concern about your mental health just the other day…

abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, domestic abuse, gaslighting, mental abuse, Uncategorized

Narcissistic Victim Abuse Syndrome

The aftermath of an abusive relationship can seem more painful than the abuse we actually withstood during the relationship itself. The darkness of the predator looms over us, both in our conscious minds and in our dreams.

Weird nightmares awaken us in the darkness of the early morning hours. The shadow of the psychopath seems to be palpable and real. It is as if they have burrowed their wau deep into our subconscious brains.

In many ways that is true. The gaslighting has affected our subconscious. Cognitive dissonance has created confusion, as our brains struggle to sort out who we were actually in love with….the false image that never really existed?    or the person that actually inhabits that body that slept next to us at night?

You feel violated….raped…like your emotions and your soul have been violated in a crime.

It is an invisible crime. No one can prove it ever happened. The evidence is left in the form of PTSD, depression, nightmares, anxiety and often times  suicidal thoughts.

It would not surprise me if a good percentage of suicides could be attributed to some form of narcissistic abuse. That is… if anyone knew what they were looking for.

Even the victims often have no idea what has happened to them.. Why their brains are no longer functioning the way they used to. .. Why they have lost their motivation to live.. to work….to socialize. ..  to take care of themselves….

It is a “failure to thrive” syndrome. The narcissistic has stripped their victim of their dignity, their self esteem, their sense of self….and their confidence in their ability to perceive reality properly.

Narcissistic abuse Syndrome is….

PTSD

C-PTSD

Depression

Anxiety

Hopelessness

Confusion

Loss of ability to prioritize oneself

Suicidal thoughts

Nightmares

And difficulty finding anybody….including therapists…who can understand or help at all

Lack of validation of your trauma

Executive function problems

Fight or flight responses

Emotional flashbacks

Desperation.

This is why it is so important to spread awareness and to validate the victims. The tendency to want to self-isolate is strong.

Some level of solitude is needed for introspection, but too much isolation can be destructive.

The psychopath infects the victim with a virus-like program to self destruct. They want to leave you broken and crushed.

You are not alone. None of it was “all in your head.”

Share your experiences with people who will validate you. Having your story disbelieved by people willonly re-traumatize you.

#women's history month, abuse, abuse red flags, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, anti-social personality disorder, battered women, emotional abuse, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, malignant narcissistic personality disorder, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Domestic abuse and Partner Abuse

Being in a partner abuse situation, or living in domestic abuse is a lonely experience. You can lose your sense of self and your confidence in your perceptions.

Reality becomes confused due to gaslighting and emotional abuse of the partner.Your self confidence is crushed and you do not feel like there is any possibility for life outside of the abusive relationship you have become “trauma bonded” to.

You can develope Stockholme Syndrome and feel like you need to defend and cover for the abuser. Living in fear of angering the partner, you become careful of what you say and do.

Isolation is a typical tactic of abusive partners to control their partner and keep them from getting support. You may not even realize that your abuser has intentionally isolated you. You just don’t invite people over anymore, and you feel you have to ask permission to visit anyone.

You are not alone. The methods of abusers are nearly identical and equally terrifying. There is a darkness permeating your soul that you cannot explain.

You need to get support and information about types of abusive personalities and the tactics they use. You can find support that will give you strength and more clarity about what is happening.

Most areas have women’s shelters. They can offer you counseling about getting away and how to do so safely. It may take you time to build up a savings account in your name, but do not stay if you feel you are in danger.

Men have more trouble finding support. Most women’s shelters cannot help you if you are a man living in an abusive relationship. Human services in your area may have resources they can refer you to.

Primary care physicians and local psychiatric services may also be able to guide you toward resources for a place to provide counseling for safe escape.

Living in abuse requires lots of support for you self esteem and mental health. You need help while you are still living there. You will also need help for PTSD (post traumatic stress disorder) after you leave.

 

 

abuse, abuse red flags, abusive men, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, dating an abusive guy, devaluation, domestic abuse, domestic violence, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic psychopath, Narcissists, narcopath, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Psychopath, psychopathic abuse, Uncategorized, verbal abuse, women abuse, women in history, women's history month

Women’s History Month and Abuse Awareness

Just posted on Tumblr Narcissistic Abuse Blog

Abuse of Women and How it Has Influenced Women’s History

As part of women’s history month we have to realize the importance of domestic abuse, partner abuse and rape. The awareness of abuse of women needs to be highlighted. More awareness is needed.

Victim blaming and myths about abuse victims needs to be an important part of women’s history month. How many women have had their lives cut short due to a violent partner? 

How many women have been emotionally abused with gaslighting and intentional brainwashing tactics by a predator who targeted them? 

What great things might these women have accomplished, had they not been controlled and manipulated by an abusive partner?

How many potential contributions to human kind have been interfered with, by an abuser who crushed down the self esteem and undermined her ability to follow her dreams?

Awareness of mental, emotional and other kinds of abuse of women, needs to be addressed and light needs to be shed on how this has affected women’s history, and continues to do so. 

abuse, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, domestic abuse, domestic violence, emotional abuse, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, leaving an abuser, malignant narcissistic personality disorder, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome, Narcissists, no contact, no contact from narcissist, no contact with the narcissist, overcoming narcissistic abuse, PTSD from domestic abuse, revenge on a narcissist, Uncategorized, women abuse

No Contact Includes Un-friending Them

no contact stop checking facebook

image from lawsofmondern man tumblr blog

It is extremely tempting to keep checking on what your ex is up to. They count on this and will intentionally pose for pictures that will bother you, and then post them on their facebook page. They want you to see them havint a great time with the new target.

The narcissists gets fuel (narcissistic supply) from knowing that you are jealous of their new partner. They will intentionally take that partner to places and activities they told you they would  not do with you. This is to rub salt into your already painful wounds.

For all you know they dragged the person to those places and they did not really want to go. You know how powerful the narcissist is at manipulating. If course the partner is going to smile for the pictures, because they do not want to look bad on facebook.

You are being mind controlled by the narcissist. They want you to think that this time the relationship is real, and that you missed out because you were  not good enough for them. But it is all the same game.

The pathological narcissists works in cycles. They repeat them over and over again. The idealization and devaluing….the triangulation of the new target with the ex lover. They gain lots of narcissistic supply from triangulating you with the new partner,because they are causing jealousy in both of you.

They are mentioning you to the new partner. Your name will likely come up from time to time, just so the new target knows they have to stay in line, if they want to keep the relationship. The narcissist will tell lies about you in any number of ways. They may tell the new partner that you are still interested in them…or that you were better at something that they are.

This is all part of garnering fuel (narcissistic supply). You are playing into their hands, just the way they planned, by checking on their facebook page and other social media. In order to heal, you have to go No Contact for real.

Checking their pictures and activities is still a passive form of contact. You need to heal and regain your identity. Unfriend them and let them stew about that. It is the best way to get back at them.