narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Why are Covert Abusers so Dangerous ?

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image from Pexels

 

What is a covert abuser, and why can they be potentially more dangerous than an overt type?

Based on my personal experiences with abusive people, as well as hearing the stories of over 100 clients, I think that people can incur great levels of psychological damage from covert abusers.

Covert types of abusers are more difficult to identify and mentally label as abusers. When I say to “mentally label” them, I mean for the victim to believe in their own minds that this person is an abuser.

The partners and family members of these covert types have a much more difficult time accepting that the person is intentionally harmful and manipulative. The victims tend to rationalize this type of abuser’s behavior, even after they have recognized the behavior itself as abusive.

The victims of these covert types of abusers tend to go back to them, out of guilt, concern and worry over them. They tend to go in and out of their belief that this partner or family member has a personality disorder that is harmful to those around them.

Partners of these types of abusers will have clarity one day, about the behavior of the abuser being intentional. The next day, they will question whether or not the abusive partner is aware of how their behavior is affecting others, or if they are even aware that their behavior is abnormal at all.

Covert abusers are very good at getting their partner or family member to see them as a victim.  They are skilled con artists that are good at using people’s good nature against them.

These types of abusers are pathological liars, just like other abusive, personally disordered people are. They are just as good at lying as the other cluster B personality disorders, if not more so.

As a victim of a covert abuser, you will question your own perception of reality, in relation to the abuser. You will question your own perception and interpretation of events. This will eventually carry over into other areas of your life, and create confusion and brain fog, as you lose your sense of being grounded in reality.

You will lose your confidence in your good judgement and your intuition. The alarms can be going off in your head and in your body about something, but you wont feel as in – touch with those alarms. You won’t trust your own natural alarm system, that is designed to keep you safe.

This is by design of the covert narcissist or sociopath you are entangled with.

The covert abuser will get you to distrust your own brain, body and nervous system. Your body can be screaming at you that something is very wrong, while the abuser is telling you that you are prone to overreacting.

The covert abuser will label and describe your feelings, thoughts and reactions as crazy, unbalanced, selfish or “too sensitive.”

One of the red flags you can look for , that let’s you know that  you are in a dangerous relationship, is when you find yourself continually thinking more about how that person feels, as a priority over how you feel.

You find yourself ruminating and trying to figure out their behavior.  Your thoughts become caught up in what that person might be thinking and feeling. Your decisions become based more on how you think that person will feel and react, than on how you think and feel yourself.

You will feel obligated to cater to this person, but you won’t always recognize that the covert abuser is doing things to cause you to feel this way.

You will feel like something is mentally wrong with you, but you won’t always recognize that this person is doing and  things to make you believe that.

You won’t see how or why the abuser would try to psychologically harm you. In your mind you will rationalize that it would be like sabotaging themselves if they were to disable you.

Why would they harm you, if they need you to be functional, to help them?

At this point you have been pulled down into the sociopath rabbit hole. Your core beliefs about them, and what they may or may not need you for, are being controlled by them. You begin to make your decisions based on false beliefs, that the covert abuser has convinced you are true.

 

abuse, toxic people

Face in the Dirt

If you have experienced severe, ongoing abuse, at the hands of a cluster b personality, then you know what I mean when I say your face was shoved into the dirt over and over again. Everytime you tried to get up, and restart, they knocked you down and shoved your nose and mouth and eyes right back into the filth again. You were choking on it, and getting more and more exhausted each time you tried to get up again.

Eventually, after so many repetitions of the process, part of you has the thought of “why don’t I just keep myself down here? What is the point?”

Getting to that place of “What is the point?” is devastating  it leads to despair and feeling worthless. After all, what is the point of living, if we are just here to be crushed underneath a cruel punisher’s foot ?

Life has to have some meaning beyond mere survival, and making though the day physically alive but mentally broken. Humans need meaning, connection and a feeling of purpose in the world. You need to feel like something you are doing counts for something.

The narcissist or psychopath partner or family member wants to crush that out of you. The most severe of abusers, will try to destroy your will to live, or rewire your brain to become a slave to them.

These abusers are dark imdividuals who are sadistic, as well as controlling and entitled. They have malice toward you, and not just a machiavellian method of living. That is to say, they not only will hurt you if it happens to be a side effect of them barrelling through life to take what they want, but they will also hurt you just to hurt you, even when they have no other goal in mind. It is more than just disregarding other people. Narcissists and sociopaths think about ways to hurt you.

One of the worst parts of being a victim of this level of darkness, is the darkness itself . It is the very knowledge that this level of cruelty can be disguised within someone’s mask of being your friend. It is the knowledge that someone could get you to confide your inner most thiughts to them, while they are planning ways to use that infiormation to destroy you.

It is the fact that someone pushed your face into the dirt, over and over again, while they smirked out of the side of their curled lip. Even the thought that someone would have nothing they would rather be doing that posing as someone who cares deeply for you, so they can get to the most vulnerable parts of you.

They play the game of life and love, for maximum damage of you, the one that cared for them, and offered humanity to them.

After it is all said and done, you see them with their current supporters and admirers. They are in their place, as the king or queen of the circle. You are shoved out, discarded, and mocked.

Once you are out, it would seem to other people that you should be able to become unstuck and to move forward. However , there is often a lot of damage that was caused by that repeated crushing and grinding of your face in the dirt.

You had to survive and your brain had to adapt. Some of the adaptations it made, were designed to prevent you from triggering the narcissist into feeling the urge to knock you down, and shove you into the dirt again. These adaptations of your behavior, and your thoughts, carry with you, long after you have left the abuser, or the abuser has left  .

For those of you trying to manage ‘low contact’ with your abuser, well……that can be toxic and I’m not sure if it’s any safer than second hand smoke on a regular, ongoing basis . It has the appearance of being less harmful than actually smoking, and yet there is still a high illness and death toll.

We will begin to address these things, and ways to re-train the brain, to reswt it for making decisions in our favor. Too many years, decades in servatude of the narcissist will do some damage.

But the brain has plasticity. Our spirits have resilience. Our hearts have a spark of love and hope.

 

 

abuse, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, anti-social personality disorder, healing from narcissistic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, Uncategorized

Can you Warn the New Victim of Your Narcissist?

Just because we point out the hole someone is about to fall into, does not mean we are being cruel to the person who dug the hole.

We are just trying to keep the person from falling in, because we recognize the hunter who is patiently watching them….and waiting for that person to fall into their carefully crafted trap. 

When the prey sees the hunter through the rose colored glasses he gave them, they think we are demonizing the hunter. 

They are under the spell of the narcissist. The narcissist usually anticipates that their discarded victim will try to warn other about them. Always 5 steps ahead of you, the narcissist has already gotten to the people you might warn, before you ever think of telling them the truth. 

You have most likely already been discredited by your abuser, with lies about your anger disorder, your mental instability and your desire to be vindictive. It does not have to be the truth for the new victim to believe it. It simply has to come out of the mouth of the narcissist that they are now under the spell of. 

You have little to no chance to convince the new victim to believe you about the nature of the abuser. It is just the same as when you were first under the spell of the predator yourself.

You probably would not have believed an emotional ex girlfriend who they had already told you was abusive to them. They will think you are either trying to get the narcissist back for yourself, or that you want to break them up to prevent their happiness.

abuse, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, healing after narcissistic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic psychopath, overcoming narcissistic abuse, poetry, Uncategorized

Vampire

Things you drained from me…

My worth

My time

My love

My mind

My patience

My intellect

My passion

My common sense

My hope

My dreams

My tears

in streams

My fairness

My strength

My happiness

My pain

You sucked my soul

Like a vampire feeds

With no remorse

For your insidious deeds

abuse, depression, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, mental abuse, mental illness, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome, narcissistic psychopath, overcoming narcissistic abuse, psychopaths, PTSD from domestic abuse, Uncategorized

Vulnerability without Shame

You can be compassionate and have great empathy for others, and still have strong personal boundaries. You deserve to have dignity and for others to treat you with respect.

Setting boundaries with people is not selfish. Loving yourself is not selfish. 

We have been conditioned to say “yes” to people, when they are insistent with us. This is especially true for people who come from emotional abuse. But the person who is insistent about things that make you uncomfortable is not being loving to you. 

Love those that are loving. Care for those who are capable of caring. I love Brene Brown and her work on vulnerability, shame and empathy. Sharing your strengths and your struggles with people is being vulnerable, and it can have a healing effect on others. But you have the right to have personal boundaries and you have the right to say NO to people about things. 

You do not have to provide people with reasons that they agree are valid. If someone discounts your reality, then they are not being loving. You do not have to serve their agenda. Save your energy for those who are loving. 

Brene Brown talks about the culture we live in which promotes shame for not being perfect enough, or for being the person that the media says we should be. 

 

 

abuse, abusive men, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, anti-social personality disorder, dating a narcissist, dating an abusive guy, emotional abuse, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, healing from narcissistic abuse, malignant narcissistic personality disorder, mental abuse, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic psychopath, Narcissists, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Psychopath, PTSD from domestic abuse, red flags of a narcissist, Uncategorized, victim of narcissist, women abuse, women in history, women's history month, women's issues

Victim Blaming and Re-traumatizing Abuse Victims

Being in an intimate relationship with a psychpath awakens your reality to a darkness you never knew existed. You always knew that there were serial killers and rapists in the world, but you never knew they could be hidden behind a charming exterior.

You consented to being close to the person they presented themselves to be. But you never consented to being intimate with someone who carries darkness within them.

When you hear people say that you chose to be in a relationship with an abuser, it is confusing and re-traumatizing. They make their point by saying that you had free will and walked into the relationship with open eyes.

They do not understand the mind manipulatiin of a psychopath and how your reality was very different at the beginning of the relationship than it is now.

Not only do you have to come to terms with the cognitive dissonance of the two different realities…the person you thought you were sleeping with….and the person you were actually sleeping with……

You now have to listen to this other proposed reality that you went into the relationship with an abuser with open eyes and free choice.

Only two kinds of people would say this to you….Pathological narcissists….and very closed minded judgemental people who think they are better than you, because of course…it would never have happened to them!

The narcissists that post comments like this on the youtube blogs of survivors are sadistically gaslighting the victims. They are intentionally twisting your reality,  which they are fully aware has already been twisted by one of “their kind.”

Victim blaming is most often instigated by pathological narcissists. Other people may believe their lies because they are being manipulated by the narcissist. So the very people saying that no one can have their mind manipulated….are having their own minds manipulated….and their beliefs fed to them by a narcissist.

 

abuse, abuse red flags, abusive men, abusive relationships, aftermath of abuse, aftermath of narcissistic abuse, dating an abusive guy, devaluation, domestic abuse, domestic violence, gaslighting, healing after narcissistic abuse, healing from domestic abuse, narcissism, narcissist, Narcissist psychopath, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic psychopath, Narcissists, narcopath, overcoming narcissistic abuse, Psychopath, psychopathic abuse, Uncategorized, verbal abuse, women abuse, women in history, women's history month

Women’s History Month and Abuse Awareness

Just posted on Tumblr Narcissistic Abuse Blog

Abuse of Women and How it Has Influenced Women’s History

As part of women’s history month we have to realize the importance of domestic abuse, partner abuse and rape. The awareness of abuse of women needs to be highlighted. More awareness is needed.

Victim blaming and myths about abuse victims needs to be an important part of women’s history month. How many women have had their lives cut short due to a violent partner? 

How many women have been emotionally abused with gaslighting and intentional brainwashing tactics by a predator who targeted them? 

What great things might these women have accomplished, had they not been controlled and manipulated by an abusive partner?

How many potential contributions to human kind have been interfered with, by an abuser who crushed down the self esteem and undermined her ability to follow her dreams?

Awareness of mental, emotional and other kinds of abuse of women, needs to be addressed and light needs to be shed on how this has affected women’s history, and continues to do so.