life, mental abuse, mental health

Why Do People Think We Were Part of the Abuse or the Abuser ?

Why is it so common for a victim to leave an abuser and for their friends, coworkers, and loved ones to side with the narcissist?

The narcissist plans the break up way ahead of time. They already know that you are going to tell people that they were abusive to you. They value their “perfect false self” image. They cannot have people thinking they are abusive. How would they be able to get another victim?

So ahead of time they begin to destroy your reputation and tell lies about you. They  often tell people that you are mentally ill. If you do have mental illness, then they will make it worse than it is.

They will play the victim and tell people that they are trying so hard to deal with you, but it is hard for them. You are mentally and emotionally abusing them.

They will get to your co-workers, your mutual friends and anyone else that they can. Some of them are able to get the victim’s own family to see you as the abusive one in the relationship.

You have no idea this is going on and by the time you are done with the relationship, your reputation as a mentally abuser precedes you. People do not believe you. They were already told that you were going to blame your poor partner who has tried so hard to put up with your behaviors.

Another reason why people do not believe you is that narcissistic mental abuse is invisible. Unless you got broken bones and bruises that people saw, then no one sees any abuse. Most victims cover up any physical signs while they are still in the relationship for fear of losing the partner or fear of punishment for telling.

Narcissistic abuse is so horrible and disturbing that most people just cannot believe that anyone who seems as normal as your abuser would do that. I mean who would spend time and energy to make someone feel like they are mentally ill and to torment someone by confusing their reality to the point that they become mentally ill?

No one believes this. Even the police , the therapists and the courts have trouble telling who the abuser is. The narcissist is smart. They may even have parts of recorded conversations and emails that are out of context and make you look abusive.

They are going to be calm, cool and collected in any therapists office, while you are crying and making claims about this person that just seem unbelievable.

This is a sad thing and many many people have gone through this. They sometimes have their children taken away based on how they appear to a therapist in comparison to how normal the abuser appears.

The best thing to do is to keep as much documentation of their behaviors as you possibly can. Record conversations, keep emails, keep letters and notes that are abusive. Once you are out of the house, keep communication by email, if you have to communicate due to children you have in common.

If there are no children then go No Contact. You can look up information and support for going no contact. There are some very supportive videos on youtube that explain why to keep no contact and they you can watch to remind you when you feel like breaking it.

Blessings,

Annie

domestic abuse, life, mental abuse, narcissism, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, Psychopath, psychopathic abuse

Psychopathic Lover

There can occur in a life
Such a violation of the mind
Such a raping of the very soul
That it is felt
In every living cell
Turning heaven into hell

When a lover betrays you
not with another
but a much deeper betrayal
of predator to lover
The kind that violates
the core of one’s mind

When such a soul rape occurs
The world is turned black
Perception is honed in
to see mental traps
People become suspect
Intentions are distrusted

The violation of a lover
who was innocent in intent
Wholly trusting in nature
Caring and kind with empathy
Loving the predator
unconditionally

Such a violation,
a soul rape, a mind bend
Distortion of reality
Causes damage to the core
Scars from the inside
Blackens the mind

This abuse of a lover
is so torturous to comprehend
So difficult to consume
Impossible to convey
to anyone who might help
they cannot believe the truth

The victim is left for dead
Heartwretchedly broken
Suffocated for words
Lost trust in perception
of their very reality
Lost in the psychopath’s nightmare

emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, mental illness, narcissism, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic victim abuse syndrome

How Can You Tell if Someone is a Narcissist ?

It is estimated that 1 percent of the population has malignant narcissism.  In my opinion this percent is wrong. I think it is a higher number.

Narcissists usually do not seek treatment for themselves. They have been known to go into couples therapy, but only in order to make their partner appear like the crazy one. Narcissists can appear calm and normal in a therapy setting. They know how to fool the therapist.

Since the partner would be emotional and acting somewhat crazy, due to the mental torment of living with a narcissist, then the victim appears to be the unstable one to the therapist.

SInce very few narcissists have been in treatment in a way that is honest and communicative in any real way to the therapist, then how can they possibly estimate the percent of narcissists in our society?

Adding the fact of co-morbid personality disorders, there are also narcissists that are comorbid with borderline personality disorder and anti-social personality disorder.

Therefor a narcissist may be identified by the therapist as having borderline personality disorder. The narcissist may cover up the narcissistic traits to the therapist and only show the borderline traits.

The narcissist is a chameleon. They are great actors. They can play any role they want to, for a short period of time, like in a therapy session. Their true colors are usually shown to their partner, and in their own pathological space, like their home.

I would guess that the percent is closer to 3-5 percent , than it is 1 percent. But this is a personal opinion. based on my rational.

Narcissists do tend to cluster in certain work fields. There are narcissists in the psychiatric field. There are also narcissists in other health care fields. These are professions that many narcissists go into, because they are able to have power over other people.

Be careful, as you getting to know a new partner and even a new therapist. Watch for the red flags. A good question that you ask a narcissist is “If you were going to improve anything about yourself, what would it be?”

When presented with this question, a narcissist will have trouble identifying anything wrong with themselves. They may give an obviously made up, acting sort of a response.

They may focus their “need to improve” on other people. They will blame other people for their behavior and any shortcomings. Nothing about their behavior, their personality, their mistakes or need for improvement ever has anything to with them.

They will blame their parents, their employer, their employees, their ex girlfriend. their therapist if they had one, the government and YOU. Everything is always someone else’e fault, in their mind.

Keep these things in mind, in order to protect yourself from entering into any abusive relationships again.

abuse, domestic abuse, emotional abuse, life, mental abuse, mental health, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome

Are You in An Abusive Relationship? Has Your Self Esteem Gotten Worse?

If you are still living in an abusive situation, then you need to build your self esteem. Your abuser has been intentionally crushing down your self esteem, in order to keep you a prisoner of the relationship and in order to control you. It is a tactic used by abuser. If you realize this, it will help you.

Tactics used to crush your self esteem include but are not limited to…

1. calling you names

2. embarrassing you in front of others

3. causing you to fail in situations and then criticizing you for failing

4. placing unrealistic demands and expectations on you and then getting angry or seeming disappointed when you cannot fulfill them

5. causing you to feel inferior to them’

6. telling you that you are inferior to others

7. interfering in your relationships

8. criticizing the way you look , your make-up. the way you dress or your weight

9. accusing you of cheating or being slutty

10. telling you that other people do not like you, are against you, cannot be trusted

11. making you feel like you put less into the relationship than they do, even though the opposite is true

12. sleep depriving you

13. interfering with your desires to achieve things, get ahead, get education or work advancement

14. disbelieving things you say

15. accusing you of lying or not remembering things

16. telling you that you are mentally ill

17.  manufacturing evidence that you are mentally ill

18. denying that conversations took place

19. denying things they told you or did to you

20. silent treatment

There are many more tactics that the abusers use to make you feel like you should not feel good about yourself.  They want to be the only one in your life.

They want you at their beck and call. But they are not their when you need something.

They want you to believe that they are smarter and more educated than they are. They want you to believe that they have a better grip on reality than you do. They do things to make you question your grip on reality.

Anything you can do for yourself that will help you to have better self esteem, and counter all of this soul crushing and demeaning, will help you. It will help you to think your way out of the relationship.

You need self esteem in order to feel worthy of something and someone better. As long as you feel like the inferior one in the relationship, you will probably stay. But you are not the inferior person in your relationship. You are being abused and manipulated.

You will need to get help if some sort. In order to be able to ask for help. you will need to feel that you deserve help, and you do.

Your friends and family may side with the abuser, if he has gotten to them first. The abuser often realizes that if you try to leave, you will try to get help from your family. They will say thing to them, to make it look like you are the mentally ill one or the abuser in the relationship.

You may need to go outside of your circles to get help. You have to believe in yourself and your story. DO not let the abuser tell you whether or not you are being abused. They can say the words, but it does not make it truth. You know what the truth is, but you are being intentionally confused.  You have to believe inside of yourself that you are being abused.

If you are reading this then you are probably being abused or have gone through abuse in the past. If the relationship feels bad, gives you anxiety, makes you feel like a different person that you thought you were or makes you feel afraid, then something is not right.

Remember  love is caring and kind. Love is patient and understanding. It goes both ways, not just one direction.

If you are doing everything and they are sucking the life out of you, then you are being abused. Do not believe anything the abuser tells you. I am not saying to argue with them, but just know inside of yourself that their truth is tainted with lies.

Learn about abuse. Learn about malignant narcissistic personality disorder. Learn ways to feel worthy and valuable.

How did you feel before the relationship, about yourself?  Has your self esteem gone down? Has your self image changed? These are red flags.

My thoughts are with you as you begin to become stronger. Your self esteem, self confidence and knowing that you are worth more than this abuser is giving you, will help you to find a way out and to be able to survive and thrive.

Annie

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