It happens to most all of us, who have been discarded by a narcissist or a psychopath. We lose hope.. We lose energy. ..We lose our very drive to go on…
The narcissist sucks out our life force. They cause us to see a dark side of humanity that people rarely see up close.
The lengths to which the psychopath will go to twist our reality is staggering. The amount of intention that the narcissist puts into breaking down our identity and forcing us to bow down to their every whim….is unspeakable.
It is unspeakable…and even if we speak of it….no one believes us. It is too surreal. We end up looking we are “playing the victim” and he ends appearing up clean and shiny.
He is absolved of all wrongdoing because he got to everyone before you did. He planned his escape and how he was going to destroy your reputation.
He was 20 steps ahead of you at all times. He set you up.
He has been telling people that you are mentally ill since he met you. He has been whispering tales of your mentally abusing him for months.
He has set the stage for you to appear to be the abuser.
The brain of a compassionate person can hardly contain these realities without breaking down and feeling that all the world is darkness.
Just know. ..it will get better. You won’t forget but your brain can heal.
Your soul was raped and your world has gone dark.
It is a gradual process of slowly and carefully assimilating the new reality. This new reality has been there all along.
It was all around us…even as we looked evil itself in the eyes.
Yet we could not bear the truth. We felt it many times in flickering moments of fear and disgust.
There were moments of red flags. They urked our being. They insulted our soul.
I remember listening to bouts of his screaming that the ghosts of the past were in the hotel room. Dramatic and disturbed moaning about abuse from invisible ghosts that once occupied the room we were supposed to spend a romantic weekend in.
As he yelled and cursed the hotel management, society, and the people who once slept in the room. He yelled out loud…into the room…But not to me…to himself. ..ignoring me…I sat.
I sat on the floor alone. I sat alone in a room with the two of us. I did not know that this was how it would always be.
I missed the irony of the foreshadowing, as he complained of being alone in the world. I never realized that he wanted to leave me alone and broken one day.
I listener to him blaming everyone. Blaming each and every thing that did not go his way…on someone else. Some from his present and some people from his past.
I sat on the floor of that hotel room waiting for the inevitable instruction. The thing that he wanted me to do.
The thing that I would do…in order to avoid hearing more of this screaming which he knew was driving me to near madness.
For there is always something. Always something that they want you to do, to serve them.
The current torment will stop…only when you comply.
“Yes, I will talk to that person for you.”
“Yes, I will fix that problem for you.”
Yes,…I will tell you that you are right…and all the rest of them are wrong….”
Anything to make the punishment stop.
I listened to him blame his employees for the business declining. I listened to him blame his mother for his constant state of misery.
I witnessed him screaming into the night…blaming everyone. ..everyone was abusing him.
His business partners, his ex girlfriends, his best friend….even his brother tortured him in the night, entering his dreams simply to intentionally torment and taunt him….to remind him who the black sheep was….and who was the chosen. ..the Golden Child.
I witnessed him scolding and demeaning taxi drivers, waitresses, and hotel clerks. I witnessed him blaming every mistake or error in judgement upon the nearest person. …many who were bending over forwards and backwards to help him….to save him from himself. ..and his rash, illogical actions.
I heard the mental illness that tortured his mind and made him hateful. ..full of contempt…for..everyone. …even me, but I did not accept it.
No, this cannot be reality of the perfect, sweet person that had told me he loved me…cherished me…
They could not be a cruel and heartless abuser. It is not in your circle of reality.
I heard him threaten to stab scissors through his jugular vein, because I had suggested he try someone new.
I heard him threaten to slam his head into furniture because I suggested that… he might have had an error about something…..that he could improve something he was doing.
He said to me that he needed help with the business. ..guidance.
But did he?
No, it was not advice, nor support, nor empathy that he was seeking. ..even though he claimed that it was.
It was not empathy. Not compassion. Not kindness or love.
No, the narcissist does not want your love. It insults their intelligence.
Love is for normal, day to dsy, boring people, that are beneath the narcissist.
No. What the narcissist wants is simple.
It is so simple that we don’t see it. It is so insidious that we deny the reality of their actions that are right in front of us.
We try to manufacture all manner of excuses for why they are behaving in ways that hurt us. We make up false intentions and project those intentions upon our abuser.
They must be confused. They must be tired. Perhaps frightened or even mistaken in their own perception of our efforts to help them.
It is all an illusion. The vulnerable victim of circumstance that we see before us. The one who claims to be codependent and that he is constantly manipulated by others.
This poor victim that we perceive with our rose colored glasses over blinded eyes…is not a victim at all.
He is not seeking a partnership as he once claimed, when he was setting our trap.
He is only looking for one thing from you.
Unless this is the life for you….get help..get out…go “No Contact! ”
You were not born to give up your life, your comfort, your rights and your dreams in order to be someone’s slave who thinks they are entitled to abuse you.