abuse red flags, domestic abuse, domestic violence, life, narcissist, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome

Are Vampires Real? Do Abusive People Intentionally Destroy You?

Are vampires real?

Are creatures that live and thrive from sucking out the life force of other people actually living next to us in the world? 

Have any of us ever been physically intimate with a monster? Has anyone ever had their soul violated and their identity taken by a predator?

I believe that the monsters of the fairy tales are real. The creatures in the Brothers Grimm Fairy Tales are right out of real life. They are not supernatural. They are flesh and blood with insidious intent.

The reality that we want to live in is one where people are all basically concerned for each other. The reality that we want to live in is one where people want to be fair and no one will willingly take more from another person than they give. 

We once used to believe that if we were kind and compassionate to another person, that they would have some feeling of wanting to be fair with us. Some of us even believed that because we had the capability to be so forgiving and tolerant of others, that people would value us and think we were special.

We have had partners that were verbally cruel to us, and we forgave them when they said they were sorry. We believed them when they gave us excuses. Even worse…we let them convince us that we were actually abusive and hurtful to them.

How could a person knowingly and systematically lie and deceive us about ourselves?  Are there really people that would lie to us about how smart we are, how pretty we are, and how kind we are, in order to destroy our confidence?

If you are still reading this article then you have probably seen evil look you in the eyes. You have probably been  “emotionally raped”  by a partner that you loved, cared for, forgave, were patient with and kind with.

What is “emotional rape?” If that phrase is triggering emotions of horror in you, then you already know what I mean by emotional rape. 

What is physical rape?  Rape is when another person takes your body, without your consent and does what they want to do with it.  Even if you did not say “no” with your mouth,  you still could have been raped.

When a person is drunk or drugged and another person has sex with them, then this is rape. The reason that this is rape goes back to the definition of rape. Rape is when another person has sex with your body, when you did not consent to it.

What does consent mean and what constitutes consent?

Consenting to something involves you being clear minded, and that you understand what it is that you are agreeing to. If you are drugged by another person, then they can rape you because you are not in a clear thinking mind, to consent.

If someone lies to you about what they intend to do during sex, it can become rape when they overpower you during sex and force you to do things that you are refusing to do. When they overpower your body or your mind in order to force you yo do things that you do not want to do, they are raping you.

What is “emotional rape?”

Emotional rape is when someone takes your love, your good nature and your feelings for them and then proceeds to lie to you and destroy your identity. Emotional rape is brainwashing someone into falling in love, based on acting like they are a completely different person that they actually are.

The real life monsters pretend to be someone they are not.

They pretend that you are in a relationship with them, which really  does not exist. Emotional rapists suck out the inner most thoughts and feelings that you have and then use this information against you.

These real live monsters manipulate you into thinking that they are protecting you. They make you see enemies that are not really there. They make you believe you are weak and helpless without them. 

These real life monsters lure you in with deceit and malicious intention, planning to destroy you in the end.

They brainwash you into thinking that they are you soul mate and that if you trust them everything will be okay.

They brainwash you into believing that everything they say to you is true and that they are on your side.

Little by little they destroy your confidence and your self esteem.

They intentionally confuse your brain by changing your perception about yourself. The things that you once believed that you were good at are suddenly being questioned.

The strengths you once had are suddenly weaknesses. Your attempts at kindness and honesty are turned and twisted around, until you doubt your own intentions. You keep trying to do more and more for the monster to please him.

The monster convinces you that his needs are not being met.

The monster makes you feel that you are not trying hard enough to be good to him. This gives him the excuses he needs to act in any way that he sees fit. 

He can verbally assault you and physically hurt you, because you somehow deserve it. He can neglect you but make you wait by the phone for him. If you are not waiting for him 24 hours a day, then you do not really care about him and he might have to find someone else.

But if you need him…he can’t tolerate such demanding and needy behavior from you. You are selfish and consider yourself more that you consider him. Don’t you ever think about anyone but yourself?  

But while he in convincing you that you always think about yourself….he actually has trained you to NEVER think about yourself. 

You are so confused about the reality of what is happening that you do not realize that your entire life is now revolving around him.

For a minute or two you might think…oh, well I do give him a lot of my time but…

He really needs me…

He does not realize that I give him more time that he gives me…

He does not realize that I am neglecting my own needs for him…

He does not realize that I need things too…

He is just going through a hard time right now and I have to weather it out…

But the TRUTH is being kept from you !

The truth is that he does know. He knows that he is taking all of your time. He knows that this is hurting you. He knows that he is never there for you. He knows that you are lonely. 

He knows that you are confused about what he believes. He knows that you are getting weaker and that your self confidence and self esteem are being crushed down.

The vampires do this on purpose. They confuse you on purpose, by lying to you. They lie to you about how kind and good you are. They tell you that you are the monster that is taking advantage of them. The know and they lie.

It is in the lying that they keep their position of dominance. It is their lying that enables them to confuse your reality and manipulate you. They take things from you that you do not knowingly or willingly give over to a monster.

If you knew they were lying to you about your relationship, then you would not give them the things they are taking.

If you knew that they were already stalking out the next victim, while they were making future plans with you, then you would not keep doing everything they asked you to do. You would not keep bearing your intimate soul to them.

You bear your soul and your dreams to the monster. Then he takes all of it from you.

You share your intelligence., your wisdom, your kindness and compassion with the monster because you do not see that they are a monster. Then they lie and confuse you until you no longer think you are wise, intelligent or kind. You feel like the monster sees you as selfish and beneath them.

The monster always lies.

They know that you are intelligent and kind. They are fully aware that you are patient and tolerant of them. They do not appreciate it. They want to destroy you because of it.

They want to destroy you because you are good, well intentioned and caring. These are things that they will never be.

They tell you that they have all of these qualities that you have, but they know that they do not. They project their evil, selfish qualities onto you, but they know that it is them.

There are real vampires and they suck your soul,

Their actions are intentional and malicious. Stay away from them. Get away from them. Do not trust them and never think for a minute that they will ever change.

They have contempt for you because you are good.

Monsters want to destroy things that are good and suck the happiness out of people who are happy. They always win the game, unless you do not play.

abuse, life, mental health, narcissistic abuse, narcissistic abuse syndrome

Discarded by a Narcissist YouTube video by Annie

The discard phase of a narcissist may be very sudden and cruel, by any moral standards. If you were suddenly and cruelly abandoned / discarded by a narcissist, then you know the terrible pain and confusion that this causes.

You were discarded because you no longer served their purposes as supply. They have found a “better” source of supply. This better source is not “better than you” in the sense you are thinking.

They are probably better because they are less intelligent and will not see through the narcissists games as well.

You may have begun to see that the narcissists was acting in ways that are wrong, either to you or to others. In my case I saw that he was being abusive to his “friends” and taking advantage of people.

Narcissists do not like to be discovered and they do not like their inappropriate behaviors pointed out to them. If you point out things that they do, that are unethical, immoral or inappropriate, they will feel unsafe.

If they do not feel “safe” with you, then they will suddenly leave. They might try to get you to “get with the program” first by scolding you for your “misbehavior”. But once they know that you no longer see them as a victim or as “perfect” then they will abandon you.

This abandonment can be so inappropriate and cruel that is can cause you severe mental / emotional problems.

I am not a therapist and I do not claim to be. This video is not designed to be a substitute for mental health treatment. If you are depressed, suicidal, having severe anxiety it any other mentally disturbing symptoms. please seek the appropriate mental health help from a professional.

I am a fellow victim of narcissistic abuse and I care about other people that are going through the aftermath of narcissistic abuse.

I was discarded on March 14, my birthday. It is not April 23. I am still in the recovery process, but things do get better. The more you learn , the better you will be prepared to recover and to protect yourself in the future.

I have a wordpress blog called gentle mental annie, that focuses on mental health topics and some other Annie stuff.

I alsl have a wordpress blog that is for women who are / or have been in domestic abuse.

My blogs are about my own struggle and a place to communicate. They are not mental health treatment.

Blessings.
Annie

anxiety, domestic abuse, life, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, narcissist, narcissistic abuse

Trouble Sleeping After Domestic Abuse – Abuse Induced Insomnia

People that are in an abusive domestic household are very likely to develop insomnia.

Need to Feel Safe in Order to Sleep

There is a tremendous lack of feeling safe. In order to sleep, we have to feel comfortable and safe. From living in a long term situation of anxiety and fear, our brains are conditioned to stay on “alert mode” 24 hours a day. Once we get our of our abusive household, we still do not feel safe to sleep.

Vulnerability

We are aware that we are vulnerable when we are asleep. We are vulnerable to physical attack. We cannot see someone coming towards us. We also cannot protect our home, our possessions, our cash and credit cards, etc while we are sleeping.

Need to Protect Others

For those people with children in the house, there was also a fear of any harm coming to the children, when we might not be looking, When we lived in the abusive household,  we were afraid to not be vigilant  and always had to be watching to protect the children or others in the household.

Now we are in a safe house, but the feeling that the children are not safe still carries with us. We still have trouble sleeping in a deep sleep, because we feel that we have to be the look-out person.

How You Had to Adjust Your Sleep When You Were Living in Abuse

People in these situations are forced by real safety issues to adjust their sleep routine. They may sleep in the living room with the lights on. They may create some kind of makeshift blockade for the person to be slowed down by,  on the way to the bed.

I used to hide my purse in a different place each night before I went to sleep. I also used to pile things in front of the couch I was sleeping on to create a barrier. I always slept with the light on.

These behaviors become a routine that makes us feel safer. It is not surprising that the routine will be carried on, even when we have left the danger behind us.

Fear of Property Being Stolen

To this day, I sleep with my purse right next to the bed. I cannot sleep if it is in the kitchen, even if I am alone in the house. It causes me too much anxiety to sleep, even though I rationally know that no one is going to steel my money.

The feeling that my money could be stolen and my personal items thrown out all over the floor, is an extremely unsafe feeling.

I spent an entire winter in New Jersey with no heat once, because of financial abuse of a domestic partner. He thought his beer and cigarettes were more important than filling up the oil for the heat.

Moving Forward

These behaviors are not something you should feel ashamed of or stupid about. Of course you are an intelligent person who knows that the abuse is in the past.

You know that these behaviors are no longer needed. Or are they? If you still need these routines in order to feel safe to go to sleep, I would say go ahead and leave the lights on, sleep on the couch or whatever. It is more important that you sleep.

You went through an extreme trauma and your brain needs to heal. Your brain is trying to protect itself from more trauma. If forcing yourself to put the purse in the kitchen is going to traumatize you, don’t do it.

If you still have the feeling of being unsafe when you sleep, try to think of ways that you might feel safer. I don’t care how stupid someone else might think it is.

The therapist might tell you to force yourself not to keep the same rituals you had when you were being abused. It really depends. It is the lesser of the evils.

If the behavior is not hurting anyone or yourself then it is ok to continue it for as long as you need to. The need for sleep is far more important than forcing yourself out of safety rituals before your brain is ready to handle it.

You Need to Sleep

Sleep deprivation is dangerous to you. It is far more important that you can sleep than almost anything else, including what some therapist tells you.

Insomnia causes severe sleep deprivation. Your sleep cycle is disturbed. You will eventually not be safe to drive. Your job will be in harm’s way because you will be in danger of oversleeping and cannot focus at work.

Give yourself a break. First things first. Your brain needs to heal from the trauma. You need sleep to heal.

Sleep first, feel better, feel safe, then worry about having odd behaviors.

Coping Tools

Find ways you can feel safe. Keep someone on the phone with an open line while you are going to sleep, sleep with teddy bears, sleep on the couch or in your child’s room with them. Buy extra locks for the doors.

Talk to someone at bed time about how you feel about sleeping. Write your feelings down on paper or on wordpress. Sleep with your clothes on if you need to. God knows , I slept with all of my clothes on for months after I got out of my abuse house.

I slept in everything but my shoes.   Keep in mind, I was sleeping all alone in my room .

There was no one dangerous or abusive living with me anymore. But my need to feel covered was a strong need of my brain in order to feel safe enough to sleep.

These things can’t be rushed. Your brain has the job of protecting you by alerting you of danger. When the brain becomes traumatized by being on alert too long, it gets stuck.

It can’t just shut off. It still feels the need to protect you by letting you know you might be in danger. Let it slowly get used to the idea that you are ok now.

Trying to force yourself out of trauma will cause you more trauma. Be kind to yourself. Do the best you can to make yourself comfortable and safe, so you can sleep.

If you still can’t sleep at night then try to get some sleep during the day. Sleep deprivation will inhibit the brain’s ability to heal from the trauma.

Take naps during the day, if you cannot sleep enough at night. It is best to sleep the full 8 or 9 hours at once, but it is better to get enough sleep somewhere during the 24 hours.  If you do not sleep well one night, try to catch up the next day, even with naps. Any extra sleep will be welcome by your weary brain and body.

Do not feel guilty for taking naps or doing whatever it takes to heal your body and your brain.

Take care of yourself.

Namaste,
Annie

domestic abuse, gaslighting, life, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, narcissist, narcissistic abuse

Narcissists Systematically Strip Your Self Esteem and Sense of Self

These are some of the brainwashing tactics which were used on me, by a very intelligent narcissist. The more intelligent of a person you are dealing with, the more alluring they can be and also more dangerous to your brain.

You could be with someone that has studies brainwashing  techniques and not even know it. The very person that may be telling you that they want you to have high self esteem and to think for yourself, may be carefully undermining your ability to do those things.

He had me conditioned to call him prior to interactions that I could possibly compromise myself , particularly related to my job. He had convinced me over time that I had to check in with him, before asserting myself in situations at work, etc because I might make bad decisions.

He had me convinced that my mental illness was the cause of my saying things that were inappropriate at work. He had me convinced that people did not like me and that they were looking for an excuse to fire me.

He told me I could not trust anyone at work, not even the ones I consider my friends. He said I did not really know them as well as I thought ai did. I should check in with him, prior to speaking to people about things, even my friends.

Then he did the typical narcissist thing, which is to condition someone to having to have contact with them, and then blow them off when help is perceived to be really needed.

There was a double message of…

“Do not talk to anyone before checking with me about your mental state and what you should say” ….and…

”I am too busy to talk to you right now, I will call you back”

and then the calling back turning from 3 hours to 6 hours to 8 hours etc. The talking all about himself and not listening to me anyway.

It was a very calculated behavioral modification . As I slowly dig my way out of the mental pit that I was intentionally placed into, I realize that my capability to deal with situations is not nearly as bad as he made it out to be and that by relying on him, I had lost confidence and developed increased fear of people in general.

The whole time I was thinking he was protecting me from people I should fear, I actually should have been more concerned with my safety with him…not the others.

Sad. and Very sick. I could write a book about all the manipulation tactics he used. He was very intelligent and very insidious to systematically destroy me, the way he did.

domestic abuse, domestic violence, life, mental abuse, mental illness

Your Loved Ones Still Love You ….Isolation by a Narcissistic Abuser can Make You Feel Unloved

hands

Your friends and family still love you, even if you have broken contact with them, because of the narcissist in your life. There are times when you feel you have to break off contact with your loved ones, in order to protect yourself , and sometimes them, from narcissistic abuse.

If your family and friends loved you before you broke contact, then they still do. If you choose to communicate with them, while you are still in an abusive situation, please be careful. Your computer, emails, social media, etc may be being monitored by your abuser.

Sometimes there is a middle person that can get a message through for you. Just be sure that they are not on the side of the abuser.

You can set up an alternate email address that the abuser does not know about. This is possible to do from a local library, if you do not feel safe doing it from your home computer.

If your family or a friend becomes aware that you need help getting out, they may have access to resources that you do not.

There are always women’s abuse shelters and someone should take your call and be available to assist you. If you are not ready to leave, but just need to talk, the women’s shelters should have someone available to listen to you. You can even call the suicide hotline, for someone to talk to.

Just know that people still care about you, even if they may be annoyed and not understand why you broke contact with them. It is all part of the narcissistic plan, to isolate you from those who love you.

In order to interfere with your reality and your identity, the narcissist needs to have you isolated. No friends to boost your self esteem. No family to remind you of your identity.

This isolation serves to help the narcissist to brainwash you, into losing your sense of self. It is the same tactics that cult leaders use, to control their followers. No contact with family or loved ones…only with members of the cult.

It is really like the malignant narcissist has made their own cult, which you are a member of, There may be other people in the situation, who are also being brainwashed by the narcissist, into seeing reality differently that it actually is.

Be careful. Be safe. Know that you are loved. There are many of us that have been through this. It is terrifying and painful.  Your abuser does not love you, they just pretended to. But this is not a reflection of your value as a partner.

You matter. Get help. Get Out.  Do ot safely and with a proper plan. Have a women’s shelter alerted and run your plan by them, to make sure that it is safe. They have done this before and they know where the dangers are.

Much love and hopes for your peace and safety,

Annie

life, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, narcissist

Narcissists, Their Money and their Human “Supply

Whether you are recovering from narcissistic abuse or wondering if you are in a relationship with a narcissists, you need to have an understanding about how narcissists interact with other people. They interact differently, like a chameleon, depending on if they see any “supply” value in the other person.
 
Narcissists are only polite to people that are their current supply or people that they see as potential supply.
They are contemptuous of any other people and they look down on them. They restrict their interactions with people they consider socio economically weaker that them, to communication needed to get them to work.
Otto Kernberg, Severe Personality Disorders. Page 193: 
“People with narcissistic personalities tend to be inordinately envious of other people, to idealize some people, from whom they expect narcissistic supplies, and to depreciate and treat with contempt those from whom they do not expect anything (often their former idols).
Their relations with others are frequently exploitative and parasitic. Beneath a surface that is often charming and engaging, one senses coldness and ruthlessness. They typically feel restless and bored when no new source feeds their self-regard.
Because of their great need for tribute and adoration from others, they are often considered to be excessively dependent.
But they are, in fact, unable to depend on anyone because of a deep underlying distrust and devaluation of others and an unconscious ‘spoiling’ of what they receive related to conflicts about unconscious envy.”
Otto Kernberg, Severe Personality Disorders. Page 193: 
They  are often  racially discriminatory and socio economically discriminatory.
You will see them consider certain cultural groups to be useful for certain supply needs, but this is very condescending and demeaning.  They may refer to people by their race, such as “the Mexicans.”
They have their own cultural stereotypes and are very rigid in believing them.
I have heard a narcissist say, “the Chinese girls will work quickly, but the white people are slow and expect to be paid more.” When the narcissist has to hire someone they will choose the correct cultural group for the level of the job.
Lesser cultures and people with less money are viewed with particular contempt
Immigrants and people on food stamps are often considered ideal for hire for menial labor.  The narcissist feels safe that these people will not “turn on him” because they cannot take any legal recourse against him.
Blackmail, threats and co-ersion 
He makes it a point to find out any illegal activities his employees are doing, such as hiding income to qualify for food stamps. If he knows that he has something to threaten them with, then he does not feel as paranoid or  threatened by them.
 He can threaten them or blackmail them, because he has information about them. He will find ways to remind them of the fact that he is aware of their illegal activities, so that they will comply with any and all demands he places on them.
Disrespect of races and economic classes that the narcissist considers beneath his level
I have heard narcissists refer to their factory workers as “the Chinese girls.”
 One narcissistic person I had a lot of interaction with, would always refer to the factory  workers as “girls” or “the Chinese girls.”  To refer to women in their 50’s as girls,  was his way of demeaning them.
I never once heard him refer to them as ladies or women. Even when he spoke to consultants about them, he would refer to them as “the girls.” It was so commonly used to refer to the factory workers that he could say “the girls” and the consultant would know that he was referring to the factory workers and not the sales people.
Clear designation of class level and job hierarchy, but the narcissist always expects to be in charge and have his own opinions bowed down to
The women in the office were never referred to as girls. They were referred to by their first names, but always in the context of his telling me how they were inadequate and non-loyal. If there were no incoming calls for them to answer, and nothing for them to do at the time, he would still be furious that they were doing nothing.
Paying employees, Cheating employees
When I asked him what he wanted them to do, he would simply respond that he was resentful about paying them for nothing. If there was no work to do at the time, then they should be doing something for him anyway.
I have seen employees cheated out of income they earned, paid late or gaslighted about the actual terms of their employment and what was originally agreed upon. Narcissist will always change the rules as they go along,
 The concept of paying people by the hour for their time, is infuriating to the narcissist.
If had to go to the post office himself, he would complain that his sales people did not go to the post office for him, even if he did not ask them to. They should have thought of it themselves and offered.
I used to try to explain to him that people have to be paid for their time, because the time they are spending for him, could have been spent at another job, or doing something else that they could make money at.  I tried to explain to him that everyone needs to spend a certain amount of their time making money.
“So, if they are giving you all of their time, and not getting paid, then how can they pay their bills?” I would ask him.  This concept was foreign to him. He did not process that other people had needs at all. He only cared about his own needs and his own desires.
 
They want to be getting something for their money of greater value than they are paying. The idea that the people’s time itself  is worth anything, is simply not in the reality of the narcissist. People only have value for” what they do” or what they produce. People’s time is of no consequence to the narcissist.
The narcissist thinks of his “friends” in the same manner. If you tell the narcissist that their friends care about him,  he will only respond that the person should be doing something for them, not just feeling something for them.
The narcissist  does not consider someone “caring about them” to be real help or to have any real value.
The narcissist sees people as supply, potential supply or as contemptuous creatures or  lower life beings. They may see non-useful people as monsters or predators who are a threat to them. It depends what type of narcissist they are and what co-morbidity they may have.
I once was walking in the streets of New York with a narcissist who would talk to himself about the people as they walked by. He would refer to them as demons and monsters. Once he even began yelling at the people, as they walked past him, calling them demons.
 When a narcissist is losing money, or feels their money is threatened in any way, they will become severely traumatized , depressed and anxious. The thought of losing money, is the worst thing for the narcissist to tolerate.
The narcissist needs to have as much money as possible.
They feel that money makes them safe from being “found out.”  As long as they have money, they can manipulate people and torment them, in accordance with their narcissistic needs. Money is power and status.
The narcissist that I was with, would use money to bribe, threaten and otherwise manipulate people, all the time. He despised having to part with any money at all and resented all of his workers, consultants and even his “friends.”
If he “had to” pay someone to do work for him, he would hate the fact that they actually took the payment. He felt entitled to their services, without payment. People “should help me,” …”Don’t help me enough.”…and “have to help me,”….were things I heard all the time.
The narcissists contempt for giving their money away may come out in different ways.  I have a narcissist  crumple up bills and throw them  all over a table, as a payment to someone. The person had to pick up all of the bills one at a time and reorganize them, while the narcissist watched. It was the equivalent of making someone crawl on the floor.
The narcissist is so obsessed with his money that he thinks of all of his relationships in terms of money in some way. Workers, friends, family, lovers…they all want his money. He resents everyone in the end. because in some way he sees them as an expense. 
The narcissist that I was involved with constantly  spoke about money and how everyone was always trying to take his money from him. The lower on the economic ladder the narcissist gets, the more they become obsessed and crazy about getting more money. Their friendships are not as important as money.
There is no ethical, or moral law, that a narcissist will not break, in order to obtain more money for themselves. They will destroy their own relationships and the relationships of others, in order to get more money and to protect the money they already have.
Never accept money from a narcissist, if there is any way you can help it. They have extreme contempt for people that accept their money. They may act like they are happy to give you money for your services ot as a favor to you. But in the end, they will hate you for accepting it and possible seek revenge against you.
As soon as a narcissist gives you money, you are indebted to them. Even if they are paying you for a service which you already rendered, they will consider that you owe them more, because they paid you. Gifts from a narcissist are similar to money, especially if they purchased them for you.
If you see any of these signs of narcissism in someone you are dating or working for, I would try to get away from them. It can only injure you, in the end. You can end up financially injured, mentally tortured or abuse in some other unspeakable way.
The narcissist has no conscience. Your narcissist has no remorse for psychologically injuring you !  The narcissist has no feelings for you, other than contempt, no matter how much they may flatter you with their words.
Flattery is to manipulate you. Any financial interaction or personal interaction with a narcissist is likely to destroy you. They see you as the enemy and they will destroy you, before they allow you to destroy them. 
abuse, domestic abuse, domestic violence, gaslighting, life, mental abuse, narcissist

Did my Abuser Love me in the Beginning?

One of the most difficult things to come to terms with is that your abuser did not love you. There are a couple of reasons why this is so hard to process. 

It is hard for us to believe that they did not love us, because they told us they loved us. Why would someone tell you they loved you, if they didn’t ?  Most people are very careful with the words “I love You.”

We have been brought up in a world that tells us not to say those words until we are sure.

We have been brought up in a world where we know that people will hold those words back, until they are very sure that they feel that way. Not only do people hold onto “I love you,” until they are sure about their feelings, they will also hold out on saying it, until they feel the feelings will be reciprocated.

No one wants to be rejected and hurt, or embarrassed. Saying “I love you,” too soon can end in disaster. therefor  when someone tells us that they love us, we believe that they have made a brave move…out of true feelings of love for us. Why else would someone risk saying it?

The other thing we have been conditioned to believe about the words “I love you,” is that they have a commitment attached to them. People do not just go around saying “I love you,” to their girlfriends. Guys are generally very leary of saying those words, because they understand that there is a commitment attached to them. Until they are really ready to make a commitment to us, they will hold the words back…even if they feel them.

So, these are the perceptions that we have brought up with and we think that everyone understands the meaning and the usage of saying “I love you.” They are powerful words that evoke deep emotions when we say them…and when we hear them.

The problem comes in where we believe that most people think basically the same way. We are thinking in a ethical way. We are thinking is a compassionate way. We are thinking in a way that takes people’s dignity and our own integrity into account.

But….narcissists do not think and process emotion the way other people do. Narcissists do not put the same value on words and they certainly do not have any integrity about being respectful to other humans. They do not feel any obligation to themselves or to other people not to lie.

They lie.

They will lie to you and they will lie to the next person. They say words in order to evoke an emotional response from us. They say words that will make us feel safe. The say “I love you” to make us feel a commitment to them….not because they feel a commitment to us.

They will use that commitment we have to them, to their advantage. They will even use those very words “I love you”…to get us to do their bidding. “But if you loved me , you would….” or “But you’re supposed to be my girlfriend who loves me…”

This is manipulative and cruel. It is very hard to comprehend that any person would make someone think that they are in love with them, just to gain control over them. 

Believe it. 

Narcissists are masters of certain human behaviors. They watch and they understand just how to gain control over you. All of those deep conversations that you had at the beginning of the relationship…..Guess what? The narcissist was compiling a mental file on you.

They asked you about your likes, dislikes, your dreams, your fears and any emotional baggage. They seemed to be very concerned and caring, at the time. But they were just making mental notes on where your buttons were.

They were learning how to lure you, by learning what you wanted in a relationship. They were learning what your dreams are, so they could bait you with them. They were learning what your deepest injuries and fears are, so they could terrify you.

Yes, terrify you.

If they learned that you were abandoned as a child and you feared abandonment, then they will threaten to abandon you as a control tactic. If they found out that you are afraid of raised voices, then they will be sure to raise their voice at just the right time, to make you submit.

If they know that you are afraid of heights, they will ensure the hotel room they take you to gives you the 20th floor room. If you told them that you are afraid of being in large groups of people. you will find that they take you right into a large group of people.

When they want to frighten you, they will remember all the things that you told them, during the initial process of the relationship. They will threaten you with your fears. They will place you “accidentally” in the middle of something you fear. just to knock you off balance.

If they would do all of those things to hurt  you, then what makes it realistic that when they told you “I love you,” for the first time, they actually meant it.

If they used all those personal secrets that you told them about yourself, against you, then what makes you think that while they were in the process of gathering this “file” on you…that they meant “I love you” when they said it.

Once you begin to see the inconsistency, then you will have an easier time coming to terms with the fact that they lied, when they told you that they loved you. 

Someone who loves you at the beginning, would not be taking notes about your personal and inner most thoughts, just to use them against you later.

The mind of a narcissist is cold and calculating. Their only game was to use you for their “supply.” You were one of the people that they were grooming to use and to drain the energy out of…..even drain the soul out of….for their own narcissistic needs.

Once you can believe that they did not love you and that they never loved you, then you can begin the process of healing.

As long as you hold onto a glimmer of hope that they really loved you once, then you will stay in emotional and mental torment.

Not only that….your future relationships will be handicapped by this belief that someone who loves you can eventually do horrible things to you. If someone can love you and then later on do things to hurt and injure you on purpose, then how can you even trust anyone again?

The truth is that if they abused you, then they Never Loved You.

You can find someone that will love you, one day. When you find someone that really loves you, then they will not injure you in a deliberate manner. They will not do things that would ruin your life and suck your soul out.

The narcissist does not love you. This is why…

They do not have the capacity to feel love or to have meaningful, interconnected relationships with other people. This is part of their mental illness.

They never loved you. They do not love the one who is now your replacement. They did not love the previous girlfriend, no matter what they tell you. They do not love themselves and they do not love being human.

Can they ever be fixed?

I do not know, but what I do know is that You Can Not Fix Them, no matter how much you love them. You can never love someone enough to make up for their lack of being able to love you.

Don’t fool yourself.  The  only way to deal with a narcissist abuser is ….NO CONTACT.

domestic abuse, domestic violence, life, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness, narcissist

You are Only Supply to The Narcissist

narcissist meme supply

domestic abuse, domestic violence, life, mental abuse, mental health, mental illness

Narcissists Change the Rules of Your Relationship To Suit Themselves

If you are in a relationship with a narcissist, you can NEVER please them. They created the illusion for you at the beginning of your relationship that they were very pleased with you. They made you feel like you were a wonderful partner for them. This illusion was just that…an illusion.
The narcissist will set down the standards of your interactions with them, at the beginning of the relationship. You will attempt to comply with them, because they have convinced you that this will benefit you somehow.

They want you to believe that the rules were a mutual agreement between the two of you. They want you to think that the rules evolved, as a natural process of the growing relationship.

The rules about constant contact, personal interaction and how to solve (or ignore) disagreements were made by both of you…..or were they?

No matter how much effort you put into following the rules of the relationship, you cannot follow them. Why? Because the narcissist will change the rules when they feel like it. They will not always tell you that there are different behaviors required from you, or tasks that they want done.

The rules will suddenly change and you will break them, because you are still trying to be a good partner and follow the rules you think are correct. When you do not do what the narcissist want you to do, you will be punished for you misbehavior.

One example of how the rules can change is the clingy aspect of the new relationship. At the beginning of your relationship with the narcissist, they were clingy and needy. They told you that they wanted to be in constant communication with you.

They called and texted you all the time. They answered your emails. they answered when you called them or called you back right away.

They told you that they wanted to be supportive of you. They made you feel like they thought about you livingly all the time and really missed you when they had to be away from you.

This made you feel special and wanted. You felt that the narcissist had always had bad partners who had abused them in the past, but now they had you. You were the one partner that they needed all along.

You were made to feel safe in the relationship. You were made to feel admired and valued by the narcissist.  They told you often. “I am so glad to hear the sound of your voice. Seeing you is the best part of my day.”

Then one day, you were not able to pick up the phone,  right away. You were working, shopping or on the other line. Maybe you were in the shower. You were not aware the narcissist was calling you or there was no possible way for you to answer the call right away.

When you called them 2 hours later, they were furious. They questioned the very nature of the relationship itself. They thought they could trust you and now they felt betrayed.

They will overblow the situation of your not calling them back right away, into a major relationship issue.

Then their true colors begin to peek through the charming exterior.  They become cold to you and make you feel emotionally shut out.

This  “emotional shut out” is cruel punishment. It is a tool of manipulation to control you. They have already set you up to need them to be there for you. They have isolated you from your other emotional support, by demanding all of your time.

Once you have lost contact with your friends and family, the narcissist becomes your sole source of emotional comfort. This is done deliberately and it is calculated into their plan. Once they have you in a position of being emotionally dependent on them, they can use it against you.

The narcissist ensures that you will have to turn to them for emotional support. They allow you no other place to turn. Then when you do not follow “the rules” they can restrict you from their emotional support.  They manipulate you by making you feel like you have to “be good” in order to have emotional love and approval.

They may have hinted that they might have to break up with you, because they need to be with someone who is reliable. They made you feel selfish and inadequate.

So, you comply with the newly set down rules they make which are probably as follows.

  •  Check your phone frequently for calls in your call history.
  • Do not go anywhere without your cell phone glued to you.
  • Frequently check your text messages and your email. (the narcissist may communicate by a means that they do not usually use, just to check that you paying attention )
  • Let the narcissist know if you are going to unavailable for any period of time and  exactly (to the minute) how long that time period will last.  
  • Notify them immediately upon becoming available again. ( Don’t take a shower, stop for coffee. Do not  do anything in between that specific thing that you have to do, and notifying the narcissist of its completion)

You can follow these rules for a while and they will be the rules for however long the narcissist wants them to be.

But the rules you follow become different that the ones that they have to follow. You will begin to notice that they do not call you back for hours and hours, because they are talking to someone else on the phone. They expect you to be available at 8pm, each night so they can call you. But one night they do not call you until midnight.

 The rules become confusing to follow. You are made to wait for them, but they will not tolerate waiting for you. You have to revolve your schedule around them, even to the point of finding out from them when the best time is for you to take a shower. Your personal care should not interfere with their needs.

So, you sit there by the phone and they do not call. Hours go by and you call a few times. You worry that something may have happened to them.

But if you try to talk them about this, they will not communicate in any logical way with you.  They can be angry when you make them wait, but when it is you that has to wait, there is no discussion.

Your feelings of worry, loneliness and fear about what is happening in the relationship are simply “NOT OPEN FOR DISCUSSION.”

The narcissist rule of “Not Open for Discussion” is a whole post in itself. We will get to that one soon.

There is no two-way communication at all. They are allowed to insist on your being there for them, but they are not there for you. You long for the clingy narcissist that you had the relationship with in the beginning. They seem not to need you anymore, in the way they originally said they did.

There may even be short-term rule that they make and do not inform you about. They always have an agenda to be met.

By expecting you to comply with an agenda that is in their head, they set you up to fail. By expecting you to do things that you have no idea they want, they set up to fail. They love for you to fail, because they can use this in order to watch you suffer.

It must have been your fault that you were not aware that they needed help with something. They may even say to you “Next time check with me if I need anything, before you just start talking about your day.”

There is no way to keep track of what the rules are, or when they change. The narcissist may give you the schedule for the next 2 hours and then tell you they are disappointed in you because you did not remember that the other thing needed to be done also.

They will say “I count on you! I count on you to make sure my needs are met. I count on you to make me feel safe. What am I supposed to do, if you do not help me?”

There is always a need of theirs that is greater than the needs that you have. Their problems are more urgent. Their feelings are “more sensitive” than yours are. Thier past was more painful. Their struggles are greater.

There is always an emergency or something that is critical for you to do. Things have to done the “right way” and you are supposed to know what that is, even if they do not tell you.

YOU CANNOT WIN!  DO NOT PLAY THE NARCISSIST GAME WITH THEM !

They are far better at this game than you are. They have years of experience of learning about how to control and manipulate other people. They are better than the average  psychiatrists at predicting human behavior, modifying human behavior and studying people.

They will study your mind and then take it apart. Don’t play. Get away !